My boyfriend (45) and I (41) have been dating for 8 months now. We have a difference of opinion and we'd like to see what others would think.

I work in an office environment, aka cubicle world. I've been at this job for almost 6 years now so I know all the people, almost like another family. Its a very casual environment, we can wear what we want, and some have flex hours. We have a very diverse office as well. Straight and Gay. The employers try to make it a fun place to spend our 40 hours.

A lot of joking goes on in the work place. Sometimes it has sexual "undertones". Sometimes, its just plain old joking around like friends. No one that works here has ever said anything that would offend someone else so much as to have to report it as sexual harrasment. So, here's my story....

One day a (gay) man came over into my area all laughing and smiling. He had a lei around his neck. I looked at him and told him I wasn't gonna ask what he was wearing around his neck. He chuckled and said it was his birthday and that he got lei'd. One of the ladies in the office gave it to him. Everyone within ear shot just chuckled because, well, its Joe!

I told my boyfriend about this and he was upset that we even talk about that. Since its a work place its unprofessional and he asked if that's the way we talk all the time. Since he asked me that, I listened and since we are in cubicle world, I guess yes, it happens at least 3 or 4 times a week. No one here sees anything wrong with it.

He told me he lost some respect for me because I talk that way at work. That I shouldn't even talk that way to anyone but him. He asked me if it would bother me if he did that at his work. He is a driver so goes around to different locations and sees different people all day. My response was that if I was comfortable enough in a relationship that No, it doesn't bother me. I know he loves ME and only ME. I'm not threatened by it. Maybe I'm a fool, but I trust others until they do something to take that away from me.

So, am I being disrespectful to him and should stand up at work and tell people its not appropriate? Is he blowing things out of proportion? Comments please... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color]

My opinion, based on what you've written: no, you're not being disrespectful, and yes, he's blowing things out of proportion.

It does sound like he's a bit insecure about your relationship though.

Tell me something - when you're both out together with your friends, does that type of suggestive joking happen between your friends and yourselves? If so, is he comfortable with this?

I guess we haven't really been out with my friends enough to happen.

He says that Marriage builders talks about things like this in the office and that's how affairs start. In my opinion, affairs start when there is TWO willing parties to start one. If I am happy and satisfied (which I am) I would never DREAM of starting one.

I was married myself for 14 years and 10 of those my ex was so bi-polar that we weren't man and wife really, and I never strayed. Its Morally wrong in my book and I wouldn't do it!

I do however have a sense of humor, people tell me and yes, things are said, whether I say them or someone else in the office does.

It truly would not bother me if he did the same at work, as long as I know how much he loves me and cares about me.

Like I said, it takes Two. That's just my opinion.

What does Marriage Builders tell me?

Everyone at one time or another thinks As are morally wrong, but under the right circumstances they happen. Sexual inuendo in jokes at work are a good starting point for an A.

A good rule of thumb: "If you wouldn't do it in front of your Spouse, child, mother or father, you shouldn't do it at all."

Now if your mother was standing there would you talk like that to other people or men (gay or not)? Dad? Child? Husband or Boyfriend? This could be exactly why he feels unsafe and unsure about your relationship and acted the way he did.

And by the way no caveats like if I knew or I know..... Straight question requiring a straight answer.

Have you been a BS, Happy?

Has your BF?

How do you feel about the sexual harassment in the workplace laws in your state?

Do you believe they have some basis in reality?

You determine your boundaries...and note that you believe someone until they take that trust away through their actions...your choice. You can agree to disagree with BF if he believes you guard your boundaries to PREVENT that trust being lost...and if you're putting co-workers' feelings ahead of his...meaning, you would rather ruffle his feathers than feel embarrassed or speak at work...just know it, own it and be okay with it.

It's your life. To have an A, it takes two people giving themselves permission to cross their boundaries and others' boundaries...so knowing those permissions and where they can lead is important...and sexualizing a work environment benefits people how, exactly?

LA

The office climate is threatening to your boyfriend. It makes him feel unsafe. This has nothing to do with you. And it has little to do with the people in your office or whether their behavior is appropriate or not.

Trust is a feeling in the body. If you trust, you are feeling safe. If you don't trust, you are feeling unsafe.

If you say to him, "You don't trust me" or "You should trust me because I don't have affairs" is silly. Trust is about the trusting or lack-of-trusting person. You could work at the Vatican with Mother Teresa or as a porn star. If he does not trust then that is about him.

Now you could choose to keep future office behavior secret. That would mean that you do not trust him to be able to handle your truth. (He punished you by saying he has "lost some respect"). This causes you to fear a loss of his love.

So now you do not feel safe with him and have a trust situation also.

This is what you two should be discussing. That other stuff is nonsense.

Thank you for that reply Pieta. You make a lot of sense in what you say. Trust is a big issue to me. Like I said, I trust until proven otherwise, maybe I'm a fool for that, maybe not. Its me I guess.

My best friend told me that I shouldn't have to live "censored" either and at this point, yes I feel censored. I know in my heart I am doing nothing wrong, I have nothing to feel guilty about or anything. Nor do I believe my boyfriend is doing anything wrong. I can't change him or the way he feels and he shouldn't expect me to either. This is where compromise comes into play. What can we live with, what can't we live with?

Yes, he did punish me by outright saying that he lost some respect for me and I feel like, I'm just waiting for that line to come up again.

Thanks! Yes, I think its time to discuss. I appreciate peoples input.

Life really is too short to sweat the small stuff and live stifled. I was that way in a 14 year marriage, I'll be damned if I'm doing that again!