I changed this thread's subject line to reflect my latest sega and my questions. Please read on and thanks so much.


A week after my WW moving out to an apartment, I found out about the year long A. She finally agreed to move back home, NC and MC. Here are some of my problems:

1. Since my wife only works 3 days a week, she have a lot of time to continue the A if she wants to.
2. She could use her office email and phone as her communication center if she wants to. I can’t get to them for verification.
3. We have gone to MC before when the A was ongoing and with me not knowing about it; of course it didn’t work since she lied thru the whole thing. She could do the same here to distract me.

I know this is all about trust which I don’t have a lot of right now. Please comment.

You shouldn't have a lot of trust right now.

I don't see a good way for you to check up on her, but her attitude can tell you a lot.

If she acts sorry, checks in with you often, tries as hard as she can, then you can go forward.

If she thinks it's time to "move on." If she doesn't seem sorry, if she tells you to "get over it," then I see big problems, and you really don't have anything.

Was this A with someone where she works?

Did she write a NC letter, then let you read it and mail it?

What is she doing to help you with your fears?

How are you treating her from day to day? Are you angry, or do you get along well at home?

SS

A WS has to EARN that F title.

It is not your job to trust her blindly and it is not your job to police her.

It is her job to come up with satisfactory answers/solutions to trust issues.

For example...what are some things she could do to PROVE to you that she is where she says she is..doing what she alleges?

What do you NEED to feel safe?

Thanks SS and noodle,

I believe she is still in withdrawn (only two weeks since D-Day) and still in the fog right now. So far, I think she is still doing N/C so it’s a good thing.

She told me this morning that she’s going to sleep in the guest’s room since she is not getting enough sleep; me waking her up and her waking me up because we both can’t sleep through the night.

Some of the things she said:
“I don’t want to work on the marriage; I’m only moved back home for the kids.”
“I don’t think this marriage will work because you’ll never trust me again.”
“Just because I’m not with the OP, doesn’t mean that I’ll be with you.”
“You should just let me go (DV) which would make it a lot easier.”
“You are suffocating me by watching over me (getting her email accounts, cell phone bills…), send me flowers, send me email with jokes, etc…”

What do you think? We’ll have our first couple MC tonight, I be interested in what she have to say.

SS,

No act of sorry, no check in period, not trying hard at all. No, it's not someone at work. It's someone from an leisure activity.
She didn't write NC letter, just agreement between the two of them. Actually, they agreed to split up but remain friends the day before D-Day.
No help with my fears at all since she thinks that I'm over bearing already.
I'm in Plan A, as little LB as possible, no anger, get along ok under the circumstand.

miketc,

Her comments that you listed sound a lot like my WS except the first; my WS has shown no sign of even considering moving back in so you're ahead there: being at home you will probably have some good opportunities for Plan A.

Could still be in withdrawal - it will take time.

The "remain friends" part is scary though - I think it is fog-speak for not ending the A. My WS continues to believe that she and OM can continue to be friends. And they have continued to have contact "as friends" after OM agreed to NC and told my WS NC since he was trying (not very hard) to reconcile with his wife.

love_left

love-left,

On going with Plan A. Remain friends my A_s; fog-speaking big time. She's having problem with NC now with me knowing about the A. The OM is not married, I wished he was for more exposure purpose but no luck there.

I still love her very much and want the marriage to work.

Thanks for the comments.

Sorry I don't have more to offer. I know how you feel.

love_left

Well, during MC she said that she have N/C with the OP but I found out otherwise that night. She said that she'll stay in the guest's room because we are keeping each other awake at night. Guess what, she carried our DD's cell phone into the guest bedroom and into a dresser. When I confronted her, she said she did this to piss me off becasue she know I was snooping. Why my DD's cell and not hers? Do I looking that stupid?

She finally confessed that she did contact OM last week. When I called the OP(first time), he actually told me that he didn't want and asked my wife never to contact him; He said what they did was wrong and he is sorry about the whole thing. My WW is the one who is doing all the pushing and approching him for contact. He doesn't want any part of it what so ever, he even told me that he is moving out of the state because of it and wish me and my family the best. My WW confirmed his story.

Now my WW is asking for a DV becasue I just notify more friends and family about her A and additional lies. She is pissed.

More comments please.

miketc,

Why would you believe anything coming out of either your WW or OM' mouths???????????????????????????????????????????????

However if your WW is pissed because you are exposing...CONGRATULATIONS you are doing at least one thing correctly!!!!

Please do more reading on this site and less time listening to her ramblings.

Best of luck

Does OM have a Wife?

Thanks Cymanca and BK,

No, the OM is single. This morning WW again asking for a DV and I told her she could file if she wants. I told her I'm not filing.

I have read a lot on this site already, could you guys suggest some that I should be concentrated on?

I exposed the A and lies to some of her closest friends when I first found out. At that time she didn't have much remorse and thinking that is her god given right for such an act.

After the latest lies and broken NC, I included some of my kid’s parents (soccer moms) in my email disclosure. This appears to really upset her, she told me I embarrass her and I screw my kid’s life up because how others would look at them. She told me what she did was wrong, but what I did is vicious and cruel. She said all I want to do is being revengeful and to punish her. Of course I told her this is not the case and I’m following the MB principles but all she wants now is to get a DV and move on.

Do you think I went over board with contacting some of the soccer moms? What should I do now other than read more on this site?

Mike:

If she is in NC then no further exposure is required. It can be revengeful to tell others, when the practical reason to do so is taken away. If she is still in contact then you have to do what you have to do. Explain to WS you are doing what needs to be done to save your marriage. Explain to the people you expose to what you are trying to do, and do not be judgemental or otherwise vengeful in your exposure to your friends, etc. Your W has made a mistake, a serious one, and vengeful exposure is humiliating to your spouse.

Now, I am the WS in my M. I stopped on D-day, and my BS did not need to expose to stop my A. But, two weeks later, she went to lunch with a GF of hers and explained everything, in a small restaurant, in our very small town, and she feels that she was indiscreet and others may have overheard. (Another diner was by themselves and close by and my W thinks she listened to everthing) I do not know where this "gossip" not "exposure" activity went, but I cheated, and I have to pay the price for that to my reputation, etc. I am defenseless to that. Your WS will realize this later.

You have alot of work to do. So does your WS. Read His needs, Her Needs and find out why your M went wrong several years ago.

I agreed with no expose if NC but what if she still keeps contact? I'm not sure there are more people I could tell.

bump, I'm changing this thread's subject line to best reflect my latest sega and questions. tx,

If she stays in contact then you should REexpose to key targets and then plan on moving to Plan B. Don't let her threats of divorce and "revenge" bother you; it is all meaningless blather designed to shut you up. No WS likes interference in the affair, so just expect an onslaught of threats.

You asked for an opinion with this question, so as one who endured 4 years of broken No Contact commitments before finally reaching "Recovered," my opinion is YES, you went not just "overboard," but way overboard.




It has been asked many times before by others, but let me ask you it again as something you need to think about. Do you want to be married or do you want to be right?

If the affair has ended, there is NO justification, imho, for further "exposure." It would be different if the affair was ongoing and your wife was refusing to end the affair and refusing to attempt to recover your marriage.




You are not following MB principles, imho. You are using them to justify your actions, actions that ARE an attempt to manipulate your wife. Her reaction is not at all unexpected. I suspect that she is also thinking it is more indication that her original decision to seek someone else in her life was correct.

If you don't change direction in a hurry, you WILL most likely end up divorced.

I am not discounting the pain you feel from lies and contact. I know those feelings very well and they are NOT easy to deal with. But you cannot allow yourself the "luxury" of feeling good by painting your wife as a very bad person to others, especially when those people have no burning "need to know." What you have done, in the "Best Case," has further complicated already difficult Recovery efforts.

Loving someone ALWAYS means having to say "I'm Sorry" when you have done something wrong or something that injures them. Your wife is responsible to God and to you for her actions that harm, or harmed, your marriage. You are likewise responsible for actions that harm your marriage. There is NO "easy road" to recovery from infidelity and, even though it's not "right" and isn't "fair," YOU are 'in control' of the Recovery process. Giving into your Taker and attempting to manipulate your wife into recovery through others who are directly involved in your lives (i.e., parents, kids, etc.) who might have a legitimate need to know, is wrong and harmful to recovery.

So do you love your wife, or do you just want a woman that you can call your "wife," but who you will dangle a sword over for the rest of your life?

If the answer is the former(which appears to be the case since you are trying to remain married), then you need to decide what you will do and what you will not do that can enhance the long term prospects of Full Recovery. If the answer is the later, then you don't need to change anything and you'll possibly have one (a wife), but not necessarily your current one.

Think about it.

God bless.

Mike, when we speak of exposure, we don't mean exposing to strangers, but to KEY PEOPLE in your lives, such as parents, close siblings, and possibly employers. Also included would be the OP's spouse, if any, and often his parents. It is a fairly tight circle of people.

Secondly, exposure should only take place if there is contact between the affairees. [except in the case of the OP's spouse, they should be notified NO MATTER WHAT even after the affair has ended]

And like I said earlier, don't worry about threats of divorce over exposure. That is a STANDARD reaction for affair interference.

Forever and Melody,

I’m sorry, I though Dr. Harley’s principle is that if the affair continue or if NC is broken, then additional disclosure is required to break the affair. Isn’t that what she done when she contacted the OP? Actually, I only added two of her closer friends whom happen to be soccer moms to the list; the rest is her closer friends and family members.

When I confronted her about the breaking the NC and dishonesty boundaries within a few days of D-Day, she said that she can’t and may not stop herself from contacting him nor could she promise that she’ll not lie to me in the future. She also told me that I have two months to change her mind or she wants to file for divorce. What would you have done differently if you were in my shoes?

I don’t mean to use the disclosure as a way to control and manipulate her to remain married. I have told her, if the marriage is so bad, she should file for a divorce and carry through with it; then she can do whatever she wants to do with her life. Until then, she is married and need to do the right thing.

I do love her and want to be married to her; I want to do the right thing so please help, I really need this.