JKG, coachW & Mulan,

I agreed with NO agreement whatsoever. According to my MC, she went to the OP but found that the grass was not greener and she did missed her BH. That's why she thinks N/C bet me and my WW may bring back the loving feeling my WW desired. Don’t think her BH was doing any plan at the time. My WW’s working part time, three days a week that pays pretty well. She could afford an apartment and a modest life style, may not be the same standard as ours but not bad. If she filed for DV, she could get me to pay temporary CS and alimony then she really doesn’t have to worry about her finance.

On the topic of Plan B, I need help in writing the PB letter so I have it ready as well as how to create a plan and execute on it. I don’t want to do Plan B until end of March but who knows what would happen bet now and then. We’re presently living together but she most likely will walk after the New Year or end of March (but who knows), how should I proceed with Plan B plan? I know by telling her I want an S and give her 50/50 custody, I could get her to move out of our house but of course I wouldn’t do that for her. Should I get her out of our house to do Plan B?

I'm also doing 180 and going to the gym 2-3 hrs. after work (3-4 nights/week) whenever there is no kid's obligation. I usually don't get home until 8pm, is this the right thing to do in 180. Our M problem started because I was working late (around 8pm nightly) and not provide her with emotional supports. I think I'm doing just that again with this. Need advise.

IMO -- plan A and 180's don't work well together.

She is detached from you -- and the 180 behavior will only enhance that feeling. She will conclude that you don't care and you've never cared. Plan A is intended to draw her back to you, and to demonstrate that you've changed.

It sounds like your plan is reinforcing her belief that you don't care.

You're 180's will go better with Plan B -- not Plan A.

Yes - the 180 is something you can do if it's time to go to Plan B but the WS will not leave.
Mulan

Thanks Mulan and Lexxxy,
I think I need to stay in Plan A until Plan B/180 which may be as early as the New Year and end of March the latest.

Could anyone help me in the Plan B letter and execution of Plan B Plan?

Help, I got some sample letters so I ok there but how should Plan B be executed.

If and when I want to go into Plan B and WW have not decided to move out, my assumption is not to force her to leave. Is this correct? At that time, I may choose to go into 180 but not negotiate S or custody issues.

Someone has to leave. You can't do Plan B living under the same roof.

Of course you should force her to leave!
If she won't end the affair, won't commit to working on the marriage -- then she has to go.
She will respect you for making a stand.

I would encourage her to leave without any legal separation agreement or custody arrangement (because these apparently in your state don't work to your advantage). Tell her to leave to go figure out what she wants. The family (you and kids) remain at home just where you belong. She's the one who wants out, so she'll have to face the consequences.

Hi Lexxxy,

Right now there is N/C with the OP and I strongly believe he doesn't want us to DV or have anything to do with her. She said "I want to be alone to figure out what I want to be happy", what she's saying is that she wants us to separate so she could pursuit him to come back to her again.

She will not leave without 50/50 custody; since I'm not going to give her that quit easily, she'll need to file for DV to get it. It's going to be ugly.

She hasn't given up on the fantasy that if she can convince the OM that you and her are over -- he will give her another chance.

That is why she is ****** bent on separating. It is NOT because she wants to be alone figuring anything out.

Basically -- she gave him a picture on a marriage on the rocks. Now she has to fulfill that. To show she wasn't lying.

So she's been trying to manipulate you into amicably separating -- to make this all as easy as possible. She's trying to convince you that she just needs some time to think. That way she gets out, quickly.

You are bending over backwards to be accomodating to her -- thinking that by working with her you're keeping hope alive for your marriage. You've been afraid to get confrontational, because you think you're gonna lose lovebank points. Thats just not true.

By standing up for yourself and your marriage -- and FIGHTING HER -- you will gain respect from her.
Stand up for what is right! She knows how wrong she is!
She KNOWS!

So -- do Plan A to perfection! Identify what went wrong and fix it. And show her that its fixed.
Set your date for Plan B. When that time comes, don't be afraid to confront her!

At that time, tell her that you acknowledge where you let her down. You've done X, Y, and Z to fix it. You are committed to her and the family. You want to recover.
But open the cage door -- you cannot force her to stay. And you won't accept her without her 100% committment to the family. Its time for her to leave. Tell her its time for her to find a place to live by (date). (I'd give her a couple weeks to get out)

Don't be afraid of ugly! You have integrity on YOUR side.

During the limbo time -- after you've made your announcement, and while you are waiting for her to go -- detach from her. Here is where your 180 behavior will be impactful.

Have your Plan B letter ready -- give it to her on the day she moves out. Will you have an intermediary? Who will that be?

Don't cooperate with anything she proposes. If she wants an agreement -- do it all through attorneys. Fight for every inch -- alimony, (do you still have to pay child support if you have them 50% of the time?) Reduce what you would have to give her by every dime you can -- make things financially uncomfortable for her.

Lexxxy,

I agreed with your assessment with WW’s thinking about being alone and her fog talking/thinking. She wants to convince the OP that her M is over and slowly she wants to pull him back into the A. She will go as far as DV to convince him of that, I’m sure. She already knows that the OP would not jump right back into it with her; she said she just want to continue to be friends with him (more Foggy talk again). I could talk to him and let him know what she is doing; that may convince him to N/C even if we separated. What do you think?

She has already said she’ll give me till the end of March to get her love back for me, if not she wants a separation. Should I use that date as my Plan B date or should I do it earlier to catch her off guard? I think I could use a friend of ours as intermediary and occasional her Dad, between the two of them it should be fine. But do I need an intermediary because exchanging of the children will be a pain.

Yes, I would have to pay her alimony and CS even with 50/50 custody so I’m not sure I want to get attorneys involved. I’ll try to do it informally so I don’t have those obligations until DV but of course it would make it easier for her. Don’t know until we get there.

bump, need advise from last post.

Think about this -- if you were dating someone, would you say "hmmm I will give this 3 months and if I haven't fallen in love with you, its over". What a ridiculous way to look at a relationship!

She is not receptive to being in love with you -- she will fight it every inch! Its twice as hard for you to make LB deposits as OM. She is open and willing to receive deposits from him.

Her deadline is absolutely USELESS -- because she is completely closed to you. She is not going to allow herself to be in love with you.

Right now, what she is trying to do is allow enough time to pass -- with the affair being "over" so that people won't connect the separation with the affair. She thinks she will be able to tell people that for the last 6 months you have been going to marriage counseling and working on the marriage -- but it just won't work. She's tried so hard () to make it work....

Then she will leave, have 50% of her time to pursue OM. And you'll be supporting her. Sweet deal for her!

I think strategically your best bet is that when she leaves make things as financially difficult as you can. Minimal CS / No alimony until divorce finalized -- and drag your feet on the divorce as long as possible.

Hopefully in that timeframe, she will experience enough consequences to come out of the fog.

Lexxxy,

Sad but I think you're correct that we'll end up S or worst, DV next year. I'll make sure it'll be financially and custody wise very difficult for her. She wants the 50/50 to be switching the kids every few days with her being able to see the kids every day when she picks them up at the bus stop. She doesn't miss them or me at all since she sees us everyday. I'm need to go dark with Plan B, hence I'm going to ask for switching the kids every week.

Should I let the OP know what she's up to and give him a heads up? At least this will let him know how deceptive her plans are.

Lexxxy and others,

I really need you guys support today, it was one of the hardest weekend.

Last Friday afternoon, one of her trusted friend confirms WW plan to fake working on our M these next couple of months so I would give her a peaceful separation. She has already made up her mind to leave me and pursue the OP. There is N/C between WW and OP right now, but the OP is waiting for her when she finished her business between us. Without reveal my sources, I confronted her with a lot of LB and she confirmed her intention. Initially I told her I love her and I would give her the S with 50% custody. That same day, I come to my senses and I told her I made a mistake and I’ll not support the S. She could leave if she wants but I will not give her the 50% custody.

Help me, I’m going back to the same point I know, but should I keep her home temporarily by using the children as a pawn? A lot of my friends as well as the MC are suggesting that I need to let her go and let her make up her own mind. She would only resent me that much more because I’m forcing her to stay because of the children.

I know I’m pathetic but I’m so lost right now.

Mike --
I hope others will join in here -- because I think my opinion will be harsh.

There is NOTHING you can do to prevent her from following this course of action. You can Plan A standing on your head and spinning circles -- it will do no good.

Unfortunatly for all of you -- I think she will have to go through the whole process of leaving, finding out the OM isn't all she thinks he is -- before her eyes will open to your changes.

I think you have a very long road ahead of you. Your best bet is to make this as uncomfortable (financially and exposure-wise) as possible.

At the same time -- you need to be the lighthouse. You have to be the attractive alternative to the mess of a life she would have with OM.

No, keeping her home is only prolonging the whole process.
You can't force her to stay, nor should you want to force her. Open the cage -- let her go. But not the nice easy way she wants it.

Keep the kids. Be truthful to everyone about whats happening (including kids). And don't support her financially until forced to.

In NJ -- if you have had a consultation with an attorney, can that attorney still take your wifes case? If not, I'd suggest talking to every top notch attorney around. Leave her with few options!

Mr. Wondering???

Lexxxy, you are not harsh just reality that I need to come to realized.

Sadly to said I just found out that she’s in contact again. The only way she’ll go is to have the kids at least half time so keeping the kids full time will not be possible. I have run out of people to expose to and I really don’t think it’s going to help at this point. She’ll only resent me that much more, so I think I need to ask for a separation with 50% custody and go dark Plan B. It’s about the only thing left to do until Plan D.

I wish I have more opinions from others on my on going saga.

I also thinking about giving her full custody with only weekend visit every other weeks and let her and the OP feel the full family obligation. I know this is crazy but just a though.

DO NOT do that Mike. Remember Papa of 3????

Mike,

Not no but ****** no!! You stand up and man up for your children. Your WW has a choice in this but the kids are being dragged along because of her entitlement, selfishness and irratic and unstable behavior. Do not give this woman custody of any sort if it can be helped in a court of law. She and OM are all that matters and the children will be left out in the cold during the times they are with them. She can't take her eyes off herself and OM long enough to be a good mother otherwise she would be working on your M.

This is a terrible idea and will have no effect except seeing that you get a divorce, see your children 4 times per month and allow you to write a child support check while your WW and OM make happy in fantasy land and you are left wondering what happened to your family. She and OM will learn soon enough that there are reasons that 95% Plus of affairs and affair marriages implode. Let them do it on their own. But, you protect those kids with all that you have!

Mike -- I don't completely disagree with you.
That plan leaves her little time to be the sexy single woman she is imagining.

(speaking as a FWW who wanted 50/50 custody -- but had NO PLAN to bring OM into family life! I wanted 50% of my time free for him, and the other 50% as devoted mommy. My kids would have HATED OM. And I suspect yours would too. I forget how old your kids are.)

However -- I wouldn't *legally* give up your 50/50 rights.
Plus I would make her be the one to move.
Plus I would insist that no other people are introduced to the children for a year (or longer if you can get it!)
Plus I would get minimal child support -- and no alimony until divorce is final (and DRAG THAT OUT!)

My advice would be so different if you lived elsewhere, but it seems like she's not ever going to have less than 50/50.

If you are going to propose her moving out, I would start introducing some of the Plan B elements -- make her understand that its not going to be friendly or amicable. Let her know she's not going to be able to speak or see you again.

Change your post title and see if you can get Mr. Wondering in here!