I disagree about the 50/50 thing if it can be helped. The courts often take the path of least resistance in custody battles and if a precedent is set and the children "appear" to be doing okay traveling to and from every other week then the judge may say that this is what needs to continue and issue his order as such.

As far as providing alimony or child support goes, this to is a bad idea. She is the cheating, lying, wayward. Why are you going to give her anything without a court order to do so? If you have "at least" 50/50 and she has committed adultery and continues to do so in your face and to the detriment of your children why is she entitled to alimony. At this point she is the OM's problem to keep up. Let him do "everything" for her. You should do nothing for her. Nothing!

Someone said "never shelter someone from the consequences of their decisions". This applies to your WW.

Lexxxy and others,

I agreed to the 50/50 late last night and she is moving to her dad’s apartment tonight with the kids until she find a place to live. I’ll get the kids this weekend and full week next week. Then she will get the kids the next week and so on… I never see someone run out so quick. This is an informal separation and we agree to not introduce the kids to other people. No CS or alimony. Under the circumstances, this is the best I could do with custody under the law of my state which bias against the husband. I need to let her go and stop the pain and heal; this is the worst thing that I have to go through.

I’ll start Plan B once she find a place and move out all of her things. I’m going to 180 for now because we have to get our business in order until she moved.

BTW, my kids are young, D9 & S7.

Does your father in law understand what the situation is? That she is moving there to further her affair?
Do you have a good relationship with him?

Tell us more about this apartment -- does he dad live there also, or is this a rental property? Does she have room for the kids?

So for now, you don't have to support her -- that is good!
Start stockpiling some money if you can. Pay the household bills and save what you can.

Don't let her take anything except her personal belongings. No furniture, pictures, etc -- until you have a settlement agreement.

What about school for your kids? How far away is this apartment from their friends and activities? If she is removing them from everything they love and are comfortable with, they will start complaining! Make sure they know the truth. That daddy wants the family together, and mommy doesn't. Make sure they know mommy isn't allowed to bring her BF around them, and if she does to tell you right away (because you are protecting them!)

and Mike? I know you're taking this hard and missing her and the kids.

But PLEASE look at this as the beginning of the END of her affair! OM is not going to want her baggage. Really, while she might be the perfect wife for you -- from the OM's perspective -- she has a lot of baggage.

From his point of view -- do you really think he wants to take on a married woman with 2 children (who will hate him) that has no money and works only part-time? Not really a very attractive package when you stop to think about it....

Mike

Under the circumstances you may have done the best you can do with the custody matter. Way to go in not providing alimony or CS, that's her responsibility and comes as part of her new found freedom. I would make it clear that if she violates your agreement to not introduce the OM to the children that you will be forced to look at other options.

When you go dark you need to really go dark and if possible have an intermediary to transfer the children. You should not even see her then if possible. Work on becoming a better man, father, friend, etc and leave her to God.

Wishing you the best in this matter.

Another point to consider:

OM has always seemed to be apologetic and feels like the affair is wrong. One last contact to him explaining that your wife's obsession with him is destroying your family might be in order.

As well as informing his parents! That way if he plans to introduce her -- they will know she's a married woman conducting an affair with their son. And that his involvement with a married woman has destroyed 2 little kids' family. I know you said he is from out of state -- but this would be worthwhile to do. Investigate!

Do you have a Plan B letter ready?
Do you have an intermediary?

Plan your custody days carefully so that YOU have them on Christmas (huge family oriented holiday) -- and SHE has them on New Years (no going out to play with OM)

If you can structure it, cut her out completely at Christmas! Simply tell her its too painful for you to be around her. And that its time for both you and her to adjust to the new reality.

Lexxxy and Hope,

She wants to talk to him first then I’ll call him tomorrow. I do have a good relationship with him but he’s her father and I don’t think he’ll abandon her. He’s in a two bedroom apartment with his second wife (my WW’s mom passed away 5 yrs ago), it’s about 7 miles from our house. The spare bedroom is a small office; it will be cram to fit one small bed, they most likely will use that as well as sofa in the living room. We don’t have any problem with finances so money is not an issue, we have enough savings. I have already told her she needs to buy everything new because she’s not allowed to take anything out of the house. I also told my children about my WW’s plan to live with Grandpa and told them that are not my decision; I don’t want anyone to leave.

I don’t know how the OP thinks about WW with 2 children, I think they probably will not rush back into the A, instead they’ll try to show people that they falls back in love for one another and are meant to be. I don’t have his parent’s info, I have tried but have not found it yet.

I have Plan B letter ready but after last night, it needs to be edited. I have intermediary ready but it may be hard to execute during exchange every week, but I will work on it.

Lexxxy and Others,

It was a big blow (LB) between us last night; I was in deep depression all day yesterday about letting WW go and giving up 50% of the kids. WW was having problem with child care as well as not be able to see the kids and do homework with them everyday because of our arrangement to have the kids each week. She wants to negotiate a more flexible deal where I take the kids to school in the morning when she have to go to her part time job so she could pick them up at the bus stop and do homework with them. I told her that I’m not going to support her schedule, this is a separation and she needs to get her child care arrangement herself. She started to get mad and I finally have enough that I told her our deal is off and she needs to talk to my lawyer in order to get custody, she could leave but not with the kids. Lot of LB between us all night, it was horrible.

I don't think thats a bad thing Mike -- its a consequence of her choices.

She (amazingly) thinks this shouldn't be painful for her, she doesn't think she should have to give up anything!
And she also thinks she can use anger to manipulate you into getting what she wants.

Good for you in holding your ground! And good for you in not accomdating her!

I agree!!!

Update:

I agreed to the 50/50 custody because WW is determine to move out of the house to find what makes her happy (fog talk: pursuit her A). At this time she doesn’t want any financial support, no CS or alimony from me. WW started the move to her apartment yesterday and will be completely moved out of our house after Christmas day. I have asked her if she wants a DV and she says she doesn’t want one. However, she will give me a DV if this would help me cope with the situation. She would rather see us go through a mediator than lawyers to save money. She also says that she would give me the house because what she has put me through and she knows how much the house means to me. I doubt she will give me the house without any compensation, so I don’t know what it means when she says that she’ll give me the house. I’m debating if I should just go for DV instead of Plan B.

This is the worst Christmas ever, some thoughts on how to proceed?

As I said before, let her experience the consequences of her decisions. Yes, she will try and make you out to be a bad guy for HOLDING HER ACCOUNTABLE, don't let her. DO NOT LB, DJ, Etc. Simply, calmly state your conditions and boundaries and if she starts rationalizing, justifying, screaming, etc then simply walk away until she can talk to you without doint so. Never say anything you don't mean. If you tell her she cannot do something then mean it.

I for one would tell her that if she can't make the proposal you drafted work then you are perfectly willing and condident in allowing the court to determine what is in the best interests of the children and leave it at that.

Every WS on earth would prefer to use mediator's and settle thing nice and easy -- rather than get drug through the mud and courts.

I guess if you are going to negotiate with her and agree to things -- you may as well do it now, she most likely to give you anything you want if she can get out easily and without a lot of fuss from you.

No, she probably doesn't want a divorce -- if she can put you on ice until she's done playing around in her affair.
I see you getting railroaded just like Papaof3 did.
She wants out, she's manipulating you to get what she wants. She won't budge on working on the marriage.

There's very little you can do in Plan A. Its Plan B and the consequences that will turn her around.

Get the best financial settlement out of her. Push her to give you the house free and clear. Then go to Plan B.

I just want to secure my finance for me and the children. By forcing her to stay in the M is not a solution either. I have been doing it for the last 2 months but it just getting nasty and phsical everyday.

I’m thinking about asking her for a DV after our son’s B-day which is end of Jan. Am I making a big mistake in this approach, DV then Plan B?

That isn't what this program is about Mike.
Do you want to save your marriage?

Have you been doing a good Plan A?
If you can't do that any longer then Plan B.
Stop throwing around the "D" word.

Get your finances secured, but don't go filing for divorce unless you want one. And in that case -- its a sure sign that you've Plan A's too long and lost your love for her.

Plan B is about avoiding divorce while protecting your feelings from her actions.

Mike - Get a plan and stick to it. Don't make up your own. Talk to an attorney and see if you and your wife can make a binding agreement to settle things financially now. In California, you can, and the court will look it over to see if it is fair, and go with it.

Mine cost $300. WH wrote it out. When our attorney wrote it up, and it was time to sign, WH refused. But to me it was worth trying, because it would have saved $10,000. in attorneys fees.

I do want to save my M so you guys are 100 percent correct, I'll go dark Plan B shortly after she move out on Christmas day. Most likely the start of the New Year.

So, do you have the house all clean and fixed up for the holidays? Presents for the kids?

My WW is still home and she is a clean freak, the house is always clean. Presents are ready for the kids, she's the one that does all the shopping. I got her a nice set of ear rings as gift from the kids, she wouldn't want anything from me directly.

And are you doing anything with the kids for the holidays? Going out seeing the lights, making things, etc?