If OM is the target -- seems like a better plan!
Definitely would make him squirm!

I'd get some legal advice to make sure you can't get sued.
Then go for it!

Why would I get sued? What possible ground?

I would contact the owners, board members, and the franchise owners and expose the affair. You should be able to find out all this information on the internet. If not, you can probably call and get the information. Another good exposure target would be the OM's parents.

I would probably just check with attorney before I put fliers out, though. If I worked out at a gym, I would very much want to know if one of their PT's was a sleazebag who fooled around with married women. I BETCHA many husbands would like to know this information TOO! So, when you expose to the gym, just casually ask them what they think the HUSBANDS of their female gym members would think about this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You have so much power over this guy and I can't believe you aren't using it!

Mel, Not much on the internet of contacting the owners but I think I'll put out the fliers before contacting the gym's management. I scheduled a face to face with my attorney tomorrow and this is one of my questions. The OM's parents are in another state but I have no way of knowing how to contact them.

I assume you support exposure during Plan B then?

Mike-

Don't do the flyers. That's not the kind of exposure this site advocates. The purpose of exposure is to get the people who have some influence on your spouse (and the OP) to assist you in convincing the affair partners to end the affair. The best way to go about that is to contact those people directly, explain to them clearly what's going on, and to point blank ask their assistance in saving your marriage. And the message they should get from you is that you're doing this because you love your wife and want to save your marriage.

That is NOT the message that will come across in flyers. Bluntly, that's just a way of 'striking back' at OM and WW...and will do nothing but harm your situation. Think about it. It's one thing to have his boss come up to him and say "hey, I've been informed that you may have been conducting some unprofessional behavior here at the gym"...and another for him to find that flyer on his car. Your WW would CORRECTLY interperet this as an attack on her and OM...it couldn't possibly be seen as a loving attempt to save your marriage.

Not to mention you won't get the business owners to work with you...they'll be angry at the attack on their business, and work AGAINST you.

Think about it.

Do this the right way...or give up now. Up to you.

Mike, I have to say I agree with Owl. And here is why. Those owners might not know he is an adulterer and it wouldn't be fair to ruin their business without giving them a chance to fix the problem. If it were me, I would expose to the franchise owners and everyone else I mentioned.

Have you tried to find his parents on www.peoplefinder.com?

And yes, I do agree you should expose.

I contacted the manager of the gym but he refused to identify the owner. He told me the OP bring in (his clients) sign members to the gym and he provide two classes for free while he gets free use of the gym for his freelance personal training. He told me that he was not aware of the A and they don’t have any standard in place in regards to instructors hitting on married female guests. He will have a sit down with OP and talk about it. I asked if I could call back and find out the outcome of that conversation, but the manager said that is between him and OP and he would not go further with me. I asked if the ramification would be OP loss his privilege for the use of the gym but the manager said he can’t do that because the gym will lose members because of it. He said that he will make sure nothing happen while they are at the gym but will not be able to control them outside of it. Like I said earlier, they are discreet while they are at the gym. I told him that I’m meeting up with my lawyer tomorrow and will discuss this with him. As I suspecting, lip service from the management.

I’m also concern about how others see the fliers as a husband not ready to let his separated wife go. I think its best not to do any more exposure since I’m in dark Plan B anyway. I need to detach myself from the A and heal.

If they are independently owned franchises, you could go to the corporate president/owner to get the name of the individual gym's owner. You could go to another gym owned by a different owner to get that info. Trust me, if you look hard enough, you can find whatever you want. Let the franchise president and the individual owner know as well in case the manager is just covering his friend.

Jim,

I'm meeting with my attorney today and will discuss whether any legal action could be brought against the gym or the OP. I know I could get to the owner if I tried hard enough, unless legal action could be brought against the gym I'm leaning toward not pursuit it because I need to detach myself from her and her A. I don't believe the owner would do anything other than 'a talk' with OP; I most likely will get the same lip service that I got from the manager. He's watching out for his own pocket$$.

Jim, I follow some of your stitch and I know you file for DV before your WW's fog clears up, when did you deceided to file and what was your logic in filing?

I never actually filed, but I had a appointment set up to file. I am only 26, I've only been married for 3 years, and I overhead a conversation where my WW told the OM that she was going to be with him once her D was done and she got a job in Boston. I made the decision that it wasn't worth saving the M to me if she continued the A, so I decided on plan B/D. I also figured that since it was long distance and I made a lot more money than my WW, the A would end if I stopped enabling her. I figured if I continued doing what I was doing, she would just keep looking for jobs in Boston (and it would take at least six months) until she finally got one. Well, I thought I would make her make it own her own in St. Louis before that would happen. I secretly wished that cutting her off and kicking her out would get her to agree to NC, and it did. If it didn't however, I was prepared for a D.

Jim,

After 3 weeks of separation, I come to realized that I don’t need WW in my life. Not that I don’t want her in my life but I don’t need her and I know I could do better. I’m feeling stronger and emotionally better everyday when N/C bet me and WW. Even after our Sunday conversation where WW told me she misses me; asked me to give her time and wait for her to get over the OP, I could truly said that I really didn’t care whether she could get over him or not, I’m going to heal myself to the point where I could file for DV without regret. I’m not so certain that I could wait the 18 months as suggested by SH because I think I would like to move on because I deserve someone that truly love me. Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely work on my M if she comes back fully committed but I would not settle for anything less.

I think by not enabling her when we’re separated have a real affect on her. I know money is a big issue for her because of her limited income and she’s been used to a life style I provided during our M. There was no time in our nearly 12 yrs of M where she has to worry about money and watch her spending. Not that she spent money recklessly during our M but she didn’t have to worry if she has enough money to last for the month. I think living on her own is really giving her a reality check but we have to wait and see.

I'm confused on " secretly wished that cutting her off and kicking her out would get her to agree to NC, and it did."

I decided that I had enough and I was going to divorce her, but I was hoping that she would agree to NC if I didn't divorce her, and that's what happened. So, I didn't divorce her.

Attorney update:

1. Fliers would get me into a lot of legal troubles; so that's out.
2. In my state, there is nothing legally that can be done to OP or the gym that enable the A. Another one down and out.

Back to Dark Plan B.

Firestorm update:

I’m in dark Plan B for about two weeks now and WW is furious about me hanging up on her, not responding to her emails & voice mails. She tried to get me to respond to trivial questions about the kids and finances but I ignored her. She is very controlling and wants to know or resolve everything instantly even when the requests/questions are not emergency in nature.

Yesterday, I guess she had enough and decided to barge into my house when I’m not there. My mother unintentionally let her in thinking it was the kids coming home from school; my mother is helping me out by staying with me when I have the kids. WW carries on in front of the kids and my mother by saying that I’m a bad parent and ignoring her even when it’s about the kids. She wants to take the kids from me, blat, blat, blat…

When I came home, we got in a heated argument about the lack of communications, me contacting the OP’s manager at the gym… She finally said that she had enough and wanted a divorce; she just wants to get me out of her life because I’m trying to control her by calling the gym and tried to get the OP fired.

She does not want a nasty divorce which would only enriched the lawyers while hurting the kids’ education fund because that is where the lawyer’s fees would be coming from. She told me if I give her a peaceful divorce, she would give me the house free and clear without compensation; she only wants to split the rest of our finances and child custody 50/50. She also wants child support and alimony but dropped the alimony request when I told her I hang myself before I give her any alimony for what she done to me and our kids. I told her although her offer was generous; I need time to think this over. She blew-up saying what’s there to think when she basically giving me $200K+ from this divorce; she wants my answer right now and there which I refuse to give her. She said that she is running out of money because of her limited income and me not supporting her and her bills. She’s finding it hard to make ends meet. I told her that this is a huge decision and need time to digest (I want to buy more time and let her drown in her own venom); I also told her I really don’t care about the money but rather have my family intact. I just left it at that and told her to go home to really thing about what she just offered and she did leave hastily.

Before I got home, she takes some stuff from the home and loaded into her car; dishes, sewing kit, old bills and documents … During all the craziness, I managed to remove all the stuff from her car without her knowing. When she got back to her apartment, she finally realized that I removed all the stuff from her car. She call back and start BIT_Hing but I just hang up on her again. It’s funny that she wasted all night at my house arguing and bit_hing without accomplishing anything. I just want her to leave me and the kids along.

I would resend your plan B letter stating two things:

1) You still want to save your M (so any D would be drawn out and contested).

2) You will not talk to her again as long as long as she does not agree to the conditions of your plan B letter.

Put your mother on the lookout for your WW every time she answers the door. She's furious right now that your plan B is getting to her. Let her continue to stew. She still thinks she can manipulate you. Continue a dark plan B, and she will realize that her days of manipulating you are over.

Sounds like your exposure WORKED, to the extent that the gym manager OBVIOUSLY at least relayed your call to the trainer, and then the trainer called your WW, etc. and so on.

Let her 'drown in her venom', as you so poetically put it...

I'm with Jim, resend the PBL...

I'm going to stay in my Dark Plan B without sending PBL. The next time she try to communicate, that's when I resend the PBL.

Latest, ugly scene at the gym where the OP works as personal trainer:

Yesterday afternoon my wife comes over the house again, telling my mother that she wants to bring snow boots over for the kids (no snow around here). My mother let her in because my DD asked her to and my mother didn’t want to offend WW. She then convince my mother to give her the items I took back a few days ago which my mother did so hoping for appeasement. When I got home, nobody in the house would tell me what has happen. After dinner, I took my mother home since I have the rest of the week off. As I was leaving my mother’s house, I found out from my mother that she comes over and again remove items that I took back a few days ago.

I was furious to say the least; I took the kids with me and headed toward the gym where I know WW is attending OP’s gym class. I went to the room where the class was in session and ask the OP out loud why he is messing with my wife and does he know that we have two young children. To say I make a scene is an understatement. My WW and the OP were totally embarrassed; there must be 25 people in his class and another 30 in the gym. WW pushed me toward the door but all the people at the gym heard us. I took the kids and left.

About 30 minutes after I got home, a police officer called my home and gave me a warning that I should never set foot in the gym again. He also warned me not to contact the OP or my WW again because the whole thing is in an incident report. I told him that’s not a problem and I left it alone. Not the smartest thing for me but this need to be done since I have not exposed to people that affects the OP.

I resend the PBL again asking WW to leave me, my mother and the kids alone. Back to Dark Plan B.

Whoa!!! OK, now mike, pleeeease stay dark. Even in a time of rage over your WW doing something, take the time to cool waaaaay down (unless she's trying to 'kidnap' your children). You don't want to look like you are harrassing these two, as it will not bode well in terms of separation and divorce, and CUSTODY. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but NO MORE, k!

She got the response she was looking for, and now she will think that she will be able to get you into further trouble by inciting your rage. DO NOT let this happen.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this latest incident. KNOW that you have the power to change things. Don't show this anger to your WW again. She wins this one...

A quiet offensive is part of war strategy. Stealth. Give yourself a month to settle in...Be still...

Tell your dear mother never to answer the door again when your WW comes over.