silent, you're right, no more outrage actions again. Stealth and dark Plan B for me for a while.

Jim, mom is too soft not to answer the door but I think WW knows my boundary from my latest action.

Thanks all,

Be calm. Showing your anger makes you look like the crazy one. Normal people (those who don't understand how infidelity works) get a little weirded out by the whole exposure thing to begin with.

Plus, expect that she will pick fights with you and be ready for it. The more things she has that she can hold against you, as crazy as they are, the easier it is for her to justify what she's doing.

Don't give her any more ammo.

sd,

She'll not getting any more ammo from me. You are right about the exposure thing, it was something that needs to be done and I'll lay low for a while.

Stay strong,

Tx,

Update:

The exposure at the gym a couple of weeks ago must have done some good because WW is no longer going there. She and her workout GF are going to another location because it was humiliating for the OP and WW to appear together there. The 50+ people there just can’t get the night of exposure out of their mind; oops I didn’t mean to hurt them, it just happen, it was the heat of the moment, etc... The fantasyland has been shook and shattered.

Although I didn’t want my kids to be there because I couldn’t get someone to sit for me, it added additional dimensions to the mix because it was the first time OP sees me and the kids together. I was told that our appearance devastated both WW and OM because it was the first time they see the destructions they caused because of their A.

This past weekend, WW tried to reach out to me via our intimidator because I’m in Dark Plan B. WW told our intimidator that she misses her family life, vacations etc… She also asked intimidator to ask me if I’m willing to wait for her to get over the OP so she could come back and fully committed to the marriage. Now, why would she need my confirmation if I would wait for her? Either she wants to come back or she doesn’t; whatever I said should not matter on her decision. To me this is the same lip service that I heard a couple of weeks ago and I’m assuming the affair continues. She just wants me to be her backup plan in case her relationship doesn’t work out, very much a cake eater talking.

Since she didn’t give specific time for this wait or her status with OP, I told our intimidator that I’m going to continue to work on myself and heal to the point that I’m ready for a divorce. I’ll not wait forever. As I told her before, I’m looking for actions not words from WW. The only way I would even talk to her about us is when she could show me that her relationship with the OP is over forever.

As far as I know, the OP continues to teach at the old gym; oh well you win some, you lose some.

These are VERY good developments. Continue to stay completely dark, and give her more time to stew it over. It sounds like plan B is working. If she attempts to make contact, just resend your Plan B letter with your conditions and if she agrees to it, I would have her call SH.

Excellent!

Your Plan B is working and she is missing the EN's you were providing which OM will never be able to meet.

Stay dark, let her crash and then you might be ready to rebuild your M.

You are doing well!

Do not suggest that you will not be waiting forever. Just say that you are not waiting.

Even though we know otherwise...for now.

Jim,

My call in these matters is...dont respond! Dont say either way. Have you intermediaries just forward her another copy of the PBL.

Dont respond! dont say you are gone...dont say you will wait. Dont say ANYTHING!!!

I did that...and got a surprise phonecall one day asking if I was dating. I told my wife that I wasnt having that conversation and I got off the phone.

Let her think whatever might be going on with you. You see, since she is in adultery...your silence will make her assume you have found someone also.

WSs always assume we are like them...and are surprised later on that we didnt run out and hook up also.

She has the PBL. She knows what it will take. THAT IS HER ANSWER! She neither deserves nor gets any other!

Jim, HTW, UVA and Mortarman,

Thanks for the support.

I’m in DARK, DARK Plan B so no responds from me. I told my intimidator from now on when WW wants to discuss our R/M is to tell her to read/re-read the PBL. It’s all there.

I truly agreed that silence is my friend and it’s going to help kill her A. This is the second time within three weeks she reaches out and asked me to wait for her. Yep, I’m not waiting.

Update:

It's been quiet here since the night of the gym class encounter; I have been in a DARK, DARK Plan B ever since and it appears WW is giving me my space to heal. V-Day sucks and uneventful; I wished I have the kids this week. Today is my B-day so I thought I drop by here to say hello and let you know that I’m doing OK. Happy Birthday to me; I know It's pathetic but hey, it’s my day.

Have a good day all.

Glad to hear that Plan B is helping you heal and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!

Some hope BUT…

It didn’t stay quiet for long after three weeks of peace, DD9 has a fever Sunday morning, the day of our regular exchange; since I’m in Dark Plan B, I told DD to tell WW that she’s sick and make sure she has medication for her at the apartment. Unfortunately DD was feeling better during the day and never told her mother. When WW come to pick up the kids, that’s when DD told her she’s not feeling well. WW asked my DD to call me for money to get the medication since she didn’t have her wallet with her. I told DD that I can’t help and mommy needs to figure and solve her own problems.

The next morning, WW called me that DD still has a fever and I was a jerk for not given her the money. She also wants me to take off from work to watch DD because she needs to be at work. I told WW that she needs to take off or find ways to resolve her problems. I would do it if we were a real family and can’t help with our present situation. She took DD to my FIL’s business since he’s self employ and has a back office where DD could rest.

The following morning, DD called and told me that she’s not going to school again. I know she wants me take her but I just ignore even bringing it up. Don’t think that I’m heartless; all the refusals above break my heart but I know I need to stay Dark Plan B and not support WW.

Finally, late last night WW called and she wants to talk about getting back together (I broke Plan B). She told me that she found that she still loves me and knows it’s the right thing to do for all involved. It’s also the OP’s wishes that she works her way back to the marriage since both of them are having problem with the guilt of breaking our M and family apart. She said although they still love one another, they both feel that they would not have a future together with this hanging over them. WW told me that they fight constantly on this as well as OP’s problems and issues; she wouldn’t tell me what his problems were. She found that the longer she’s with him the more she misses me and misses being in a family. She said she still has not had sexual contact (penetrations) with OP; not that she doesn’t wants to but mostly the OP feels if they do it, he could not live with himself. Hard to believe but I do believe this is true.

I asked her is the OP still in the picture and WW said “No, he’s not in the picture” and she told me that she quit the gym as well. This all sounds great and is something I long to hear. What’s troubling me is that after further conversation, she told me since she has to give the gym 60 days notice, her membership doesn’t end until middle of April and she’s going to be train by the OP until then. OP offers to train her for free until then and they will go to N/C with one another. At that point we’ll slowly work our way back with one another. She said the more she sees him the more she wants to be back with me so I shouldn’t worry about the situation. WTF, RED FLAG!!! I told her that I have trouble with that and will not engage with any R talk or help her until N/C is establish; I also told her that I’ll continue my on going healing process (Dark Plan B). Some lifting of fog but still troubling thoughts. Please comment.

Mike,

I was wondering. What kind of icing would she like on her cake? I can believe she is missing your support. I can believe she might even be seeing what she is doing to her children. But, I can't believe that he working out with OM is a good idea, or that although she LOVES OM, she wants you more. Finally, forgive me for being a sexist old male.

But, why would you have an affair with a physical trainer, if it wasn't physical? Sorry does not compute. My BS detector is going off.

Frankly, I think you stick with plan B, and when you are ready you seriously consider divorce. Frankly, I don't know the state you live in, and certainly not its laws, but I would be considering legal separation such that you can keep her out of the house if necessary, and to protect you financially so that you can take care of the kids when she falls flat on her face.

This is just testing the waters to see if she can have it both ways.

Here is something interesting for you to consider. IF and I mean IF she has not been intimate with him, then the sole reason for her destroying the family was to be near him right? Well, wouldn't her training with him give her ALL that she has been getting so far? Yup, you bet it would.

I don't see a win in this for you, under the conditions stated. Please consult a lawyer and protect yourself and have the legal means to keep her out of the house. This can and very well might turn nasty again, when she does NOT get her way.

I just find it amazing that she thinks so highly of herself, that she feels that you will just wait for her to continue her affair, and then everything will be just great. I wonder if that will be her approach on the next affair?

Sorry for sounding so negative, but I have a hard time with "cake eaters" especially with those that have no problem rubbing their spouses AND their children's noses in it. And by it, I mean **IT.

I don't know if this helps, I hope at least it gives you something to think about.

God Bless,

JL

Yea, What JL said!!!!

Seriously, I would send her another copy of your plan B letter and stay darker than ever. You will know if she is serious. It should look like her beating your door down to get back in, not some trumped up means of cake eating.

I can agree with resending plan B letter...you might add a little more 'meat' to it so that she clearly understands that you ARE willing to reconcile (if you still are)...BUT, you're only willint to reconcile IF SHE MEETS YOUR PLAN B LETTER REQUIREMENTS.

If you do want her back...tell her in your 'updated' plan B letter that you do want her back, but you're NOT going to take her back if she cannot completely, 100% meet your requirements for this. That means no OM...EVER, in ANY fashion. And that has to start BEFORE you begin trying to reconcile.

Personally, it sounds like your plan B is working...you can consider giving things a shot... as long as she meets those requirements. Do NOT negotiate on this...be loving and honest with her...and be FIRM about what you expect before you'll consider letting her back in your life.

Above all...take your time with this. Do NOT rush it.

JL and hope,

I totally agree with both of you and your posts confirm my assumption of her cake eating habits. Thank you. I do believe her when she said they didn’t do the ultimate sin, I’m not saying they didn’t get intimate or physical but just not intercourse.

Lawyer consulted and finances protected as well as changing all the locks to the house. As to the LSA or legal means to keep her out of the house; in my state (NJ), they piss on men in court and it serve me no justice to get LSA or anything thru the court since she’s not asking or receiving CS or alimony from me at this time.

I’m staying in my Dark Plan B and look for actions and not lip service. I will not spend one ounce of my energy on supporting her EN until PBL requirements are met.

Owl, All were said already and I told her to re-read the PBL so I’m not going to send it again. She knows what I need and she needs to make that decision. I still love her and want to make it work but only PBL are met.

I have a bridge full of gold I would like to sell you.

Mike, I can’t believe you believe this. I am not worried about your WW, her actions are very predictable. I am worried about you. If your WW can pull something like this and have you believe her, you still have a long way to go. You are deep in your own fog even though you are in Plan B. Mike, you need to wake up and accept reality. Your WW and OM have been engaging in SF for awhile now. It just makes no sense to believe otherwise. I am afraid she is playing you for a fool, and regrettably you seem ready to go along with it.

Your WW is not yet ready to be a W. She just wants to eat some more cake. But she is not really my concern here. Mike, I just hope you wake up from your own fog soon.

UVA, this is the only thing that she swears the kids on; she would not swear on the kids on anything else. They did everything under the rainbow and I’m not going into the gory details so committing the ultimate sin or not would not make one bit of different to me. Whether penetration happens or not it’s still SEX. I appreciate your concerns about me but my actions will be the same regardless what actually happen. Dark Plan B continues and when I’m ready and if I don’t see any actions from her on recommitting to our M, I’ll Plan Dv.

Actually, I was kind of disappointed that she has not committee the ultimate sin because even if we do get back together, this may be something that will have her wonder, what if. I do want her to experience that grass is not greener on the other side. Maybe I’m just a sick puppy, but that’s how I wired.

After thinking it over last night, I’ll send her an updated PBL as suggested.

Thanks all.

Mike, stop kidding yourself. You have separated twice...you're in plan B....and you don't believe she has committed the act of having sex? That is because you do NOT WANT TO BELIEVEthat she is capable...of doing that yet "swearing on her children"? What rational parent "swears on the life of their children" regarding anything?? However, this is part of you accepting reality. There have been 100's of BS's on here whose spouses have done many things unimaginable, unlike them, and that's why we call them ALIEN!!!

However, you do require a 2x4 to keep you dark. You fell into the typical trap...she threw you a meal and it really wasn't a crumb...... stick to your boundaries reminding her there is nothing to talk about...NOTHING.....

Best of luck....

Mike

She did sleep with him, she didn't sleep with him! At this point and knowing they have been intimate (just now sure "how" intimate, but intimate enough that it's sickening to you), all that matters is keeping it simple.

Simple looks like this....Plan B UNTIL such time as Plan B boundaries are met. This isn't complicated and I know that you know this. Now do it!