Mike,

Right now I would just take solace in the fact that your plan B IS working (as long as you stick with it), and that your marriage will be saved as long as you are still interested when she finally agrees to the conditions of your plan B letter. I don't care what stage of the process you are in, it always takes longer than we think or would like it to. Although I do not believe that she'll be back on May 1st, I do believe that at some point during the summer she will finally cave in. She is showing all the signs. Keep up the good work of plan B. You will be paid back tenfold in a few years when you are all a happy family again. You are doing God's work fighting for your family through all of this. Just remember the story of Job. God let the devil take Job's entire family, his wealth, and his health, but Job still refused to curse God. God eventually paid back Job tenfold, and he started a new family and was even richer. This is your test. So far you have passed with flying colors.

Jim,

Thanks for the encouragement and I agreed totally about WS; she may or may not be back on May 1st but I do want to be prepared and have a plan ready whenever she comes back. So back to my question, what do I said and do when she comes and said that her A with the OP is over? I don’t want to be in the same boat as last weekend where she’s tested the water and went back to her old way but I don’t want to push her away without given her a chance either. Should there be boundaries or conditions for her to fulfill before I should even engage in conversation with her? What should they be?

Like I said earlier, my PBL only states that we could discuss our futures together once she permanently separate from the OP.

Thanks,

Move back in

NC with OP for life

NC letter

O&H and accounting for time

MC

That would be the minimum. You should have put more in your NC letter. I would have her call JC or SH first before you agree to break your plan B, so you don't run into this situation again.

Latest:

Well, WW called me last night on May 1st as promised from 2 months ago to let me know that she say her ‘Last good bye’ to the OP an the last day of April; she is now ready to make it right for the kids (and for herself) and work on our marriage. She told me she took initiative and cancelled her apartment lease; she needs to move out of her apartment by the end of May. She wants to come home during May to make our marriage work.

Even though she’s going to work on our marriage, she said she cannot forgive me for cancelling her Dad’s vacation plan and showing up at the gym with the kids and makes a big scene. She said that her Dad is really upset with me for what I did and will never accept anything from me even if we’re together again. I told her that if my family could forgive her for what she put them through than her Dad should be big enough of a person to forgive me; I told her I’ll make it up to him in the future.

She said that she does not want to be at any of my family and friend’s functions and does not want me to be at hers. She said it is awkward for all parties involved. I told her I have no ill will against any of her friends or family members; I told her I understand why she would feel awkward around my side of the friends or family but why would her sides feel uncomfortable around me if they did nothing wrong or done anything against me. For whatever reason, she hates my family and would make any excuse to disassociate from them. This is very troubling for me because I want both of us to love or get along with both side of our family and friends.

Please help, I need to interpret this round of talks and my next course of actions.

She may not be in her affair anymore but by golly she is still wayward in mind and thought. Demands, demands, demands, piss on her demands. She should be crawling back on bended and bloodied knees not making demands.

You need to call the Harley's and get a plan together including what the expectations are for her return including no contact ever with OP, a no contact letter, complete transparency (cell phone passwords, email passwords, etc). If she will not do these things then I think she is still wayward and I would be seriously concerned about her motives for returning (money, custody, legal, etc).

In my opinion, a WS needs to be willing to do whatever YOU require to recover the marriage -- not the other way around.

She doesn't get to dictate the terms of her return, you do.

She meets YOUR requirements -- or she doesn't come home.
By now you should realize you may be better off without her. Probably your home life is more stable and calm with her gone.

I think it will take a lot longer than one month for her to prove herself - and I personally would not let my spouse come back with the attitude she has.....

Amen Lexxy!!

I need help. The following is a list of commitments I sent to WW when she first wanted to move back to our home:

1. No Contact with the other person for life. You need to tell me immediately if any contact were made even if you bump into each other in the street.

2. Agree to do whatever it takes to save our marriage but not hurting each other or those that love and care about us.

3. Read and discuss both books; How to survive an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.

4. Going to Marriage Counseling.

5. Communications - Spend 15 hours a week with one another without kids.

6. Open and Honest relationship with transparency – Give each other all email user Id & passwords (home & office), cell phone bills and voice mail password. Let each other know what they are doing while away from each other (accounting for time). No secret or lies from each other.

7. Recreations – We must do recreational activities together. We can’t tell each others we need our own space anymore.

8. Friends & Family – I understand that we may need to isolate from them while we work and fix our issues, but I need to repair these relationships in the future.


Here is my latest since May 1st:

a. She still living in her apartment and stay at our house 1-2 nights a week on the weekend. She sleeps in the kid’s room while she’s here and go to bed when the kids go to bed so we haven’t really talked or communicated. I have asked her to stay in our room so we could spent some times together (of course I told her I don’t’ expect anything else other than talk from her by staying in our room) but she refused and said she can’t do it right now as she put it.

b. WW said that she’s trying to work back into our marriage because of the kids.

c. She said that even if the OP’s not in the picture, she just doesn’t think she could ever love me again. She is willing to be here at home and be my wife by name but live separate lives; just for the kids.

d. No contact is in place (as far as I know) between WW and OP. I need to snoop some more to confirm. WW and I are going to MC once every two weeks.

e. Other than some works toward commitments items 1 & 4 from above, I don’t see any other efforts towards the commitments from her.

f. She has no regret of her A; if not for the kids she wouldn’t be here.

g. She’s making up to me by coming back into this marriage. When we have a heated discussion, she says that I’m lucky she even be back into this marriage.

h. I know she needs my help in child care once the school year ends. One of the main reasons why I think she’s back right now, the other may be financial supports. Right now, I'm not in Plan B and are helping her with child care and provide her some finanical supports.

She’s obvious still in her fog but I need recommendations of what to do next. Since she’s in NC and willing to go to MC, should I be in Plan A or Plan B. I like to have her living back in our home full time while I work Plan A on her; she needs to keep the apartment on the side until she could demonstrated that she’s clearly out of her foggy world. Please help.

I'm a bit confused - if you're not in Plan B (and it certainly sounds like you're not), why include it in your signature?



Plan B will insulate you from comments like that. It will insulate you from the nastiness that makes up a WS's character.

Sorry, I just updated my signature that my status is ??? and I'm confused in what to do next. I believe my best course of actions right now to save our marriage is to Plan A but like to hear from some of the experts whether this is the right move or not.

Mike -

It all depends on whether or not there is contact. I would triple my efforts toward determining the answer to that. If there is no contact, she is in withdrawal, and things will get better. If there is contact, not even MC will help.

Stand up to her.

Why are you so willing to take crumbs?

I would have to agree with Lexxxy...she's got this all wrong of course and still sounds wayward to me.

My WW said the same thing when she was in the midst of her A.

I'm just not sure if these are symptoms of withdrawal or contact with OM. Keep snoopoing and watch her actions as they rarely lie.

You sabotaged your plan B by allowing her back into your life without her agreeing to your PBL conditions. That being said, you are kind of stuck in plan A now until she screws something up again and gives you a reason to go back to plan B. You've obviously read through my thread. You need to snoop, snoop, and snoop some more to make sure there is NC with OM or a new OM. Right now I would shy away from all R/M talk and just focus on creating quality memories between the two of you. Rack your brain to think of things to do that she would enjoy. Come up with an idea, and invite her. If she won't go, fine you go without her. Eventually she'll start taking you up on your offers. My W told me all the same crap when her A ended, but you know it took me a LONG time before anything good happened. Just be persistant and protect your M from all OM.

Oh, and the next time she tells you she tells you she's only here for the kids, tell her calmly to get out because you are not going to be blatantly disrespected like that again. Trust me, the look on her face will be one of bewilderment, and I bet she won't say it again.

c. She said that even if the OP’s not in the picture, she just doesn’t think she could ever love me again. She is willing to be here at home and be my wife by name but live separate lives; just for the kids.

Boy have I heard that one, many times in the past.

You ask what to do to help. If there is NC then here is what you can do to help. Fill up her time with you and the kids. My FWW told me the same as your is. I planned trips. Sometimes they were large camping trips sometimes small day things like to the nearest lake, park, waterpark, zoo, movie and a pizza. Do something the kids would like to do or see. A concert with your wife, jazz, summer festival. You don't always have to spend lots of $$$, but just fill up time. One thing the OM doesn't have on you and that is....you two have kids together. Leverage that to the hilt. I became the "Master Planner" with my family. I would check the newspaper local and regional ones to see what was going on nearby.

- plan time with her as a family
- plan time with her alone.

IF - IF she won't go with you are the family then you go ahead with your plans. She will wonder what she is missing.

BECOME THE MAN SHE WANTS!!!!


This was what I did when my wife told me that she didn't want her OM or me. She didn't want anyone. She was lost and I had to help her back to our M. Today my wife is in love with me and HATES the things she said while in the fog and the way she acted.

I agree with Lexxy. You gave up your Plan B for this?

jmwc95,



I pray every night that more BS's reacted that way. BRAVO!!!!

Guys,

Ok no more 2X4’s, my PBL condition was for her to have no contact with the other person for life then we could discuss our future together. Once she established N/C, then I sent her the list of commitments above which she needs to demonstrate that they’re in compliance before she could move back home Permanently. She’s allows to be home for visits or stay overnight but she will keep her apartment. I help her with child care and some finances for the kids but the apartment and her own expenses are all hers. I know this is not the best situation but that’s what transpired.

Believe me, I don’t take crumbs from her but I like to support her through her withdrawal if that is where she’s at right now but I will not be hesitate to kick her out and go back to Plan B otherwise. This weekend, I’ll step up my snooping efforts.

After four months without WW, I could truly say that I don’t need her in my life hence I told her she needs to keep her apartment because I’ll kick her a$$ out if she disrespect me.

Plan A and upping snooping are what I think is best for me right now.

Well alright that's the attitude.....I hope it doesn't come to this and your marriage is reconciled but you need that attitude right now as she appears she may still be wayward.

Update:

WW has been back in the house full time since June 1st but her contact with the OP never stopped. Most the contacts are phone contact from work about lingering feelings as the OP is giving her supports to work out our marriage. I know even this type of contacts would not help our marriage as long as he’s in the picture. I finally confronted her this weekend, I told her that one of the conditions is to N/C for life and I will not tolerate it if she wants to live in our house. If she can’t do it then she would needs to leave the house. I also told her that I’m not interested in having her as my roommate. She then says she can’t do ‘for life’ and she would not leave the house because it’s in her name too. I went to her walk-in closet and start throwing her cloths out; it was really ugly. I told her the next time I found out she makes contact; the cloths will be out in the drive way with the doors locked.

I guess I’m in Plan A with boundary but should I throw her cloths out in the driveway if contact continues? What else should I be doing other than a good Plan A.

We have an appointment with MC tomorrow and she said that she will not go; I could force her to go by threaten to throw her out of the house, but I have reservation with this as well. BTW, one of the conditions for her to come back is to go to MC together.

Please comment.