Owl,

I’m going to treat her as though she’s in the early stage of withdrawn so I will hold out on demanding MC and further working on our M until school starts. We have a vacation planned at the last week of August so after that should be the right time. During the mean time, Plan A and keep my eyes on N/C. I know you’re concern about our M being stalled and going nowhere; so am I. As long as N/C is in place, I could wait it out.

H&P, no she’s not the type that sleeps around and looking for love in all places. She has only five relationships with me being the sixth. She’s the type that gets emotional attached when she’s in love and that’s where she’s at right now.

Mike,

I did not mean to imply that she was the type to sleep around, but is she the type to like the hunt but get bored when she catches the prey and begin looking for the excitement, newness, in love feeling, romance, discovery that comes with immature and new relationships. In other words is she bored by marriage and its responsibilities and some of the mundane associated with knowing someone 5, 10, 20 years?

Thanks.

H&P, I'm the longest relationship that she had being 12 years now. Her other two serious relationships 2 & 3 years respectively ended when her ex's cheated on her. Her other relationships are short live of less than an year. With that being said, her other relationships are not love addiction but with me I do believe it is. She was addicted to me because she was crazy about me or at least being able to have me falls for her was her ultimate high. I was her catch but our problem didn't start until our second kid so she wasn't looking right away. So you tell me if she fit the pattern.

Does this sound like WW is in withdrawn?
Latest email from WW:

MTC,
i already know you've changed...helping me around the house and wanting to do everything w/ me is NOT what i want from you. it actually turns me off. i don't enjoy my time w/ you. sorry that it hurts but u don't seem to want to admit to the truth. if you want to convince me that u have feelings and emotions, then u should know how i feel.

i already know what the outcome is and so do you...why do we have to keep torturing ourselves? like i said, i know you've changed but there's that dark side of you that i will NEVER FORGET OR FORGIVE. it will stay w/ me forever...it's not only that...i just don't want to be your wife anymore. i can tell you what we've being doing the last few days is not good for the kids and 2,3,4 mths from now, it will be the EXACTLY the same. i've told u time and time again...i cannot go backwards on my feelings no matter how hard i try.

WW

It sounds like continued contact.

Her: I already know you've changed...helping me around the house and wanting to do everything w/ me is NOT what i want from you. it actually turns me off. i don't enjoy my time w/ you. sorry that it hurts but u don't seem to want to admit to the truth. if you want to convince me that u have feelings and emotions, then u should know how i feel.

You: Then why did you come back? I'm not keeping you here.

Her: i already know what the outcome is and so do you...why do we have to keep torturing ourselves?

You: The outcome that I'm sure of is that I will keep fighting and working on this marriage until it is fixed.

Her: like i said, i know you've changed but there's that dark side of you that i will NEVER FORGET OR FORGIVE.

You: If I can forgive you for cheating on me, then I'm sure you'll be able to forgive me for my past transgressions in time.

Her: i just don't want to be your wife anymore.

You: Then why did you come back?

Her: i can tell you what we've being doing the last few days is not good for the kids and 2,3,4 mths from now, it will be the EXACTLY the same.

You: What's not good for the kids is growing up in a broken home and having their mother cheating on their father.

Her: i've told u time and time again...i cannot go backwards on my feelings no matter how hard i try.

You: Well, you obviously haven't tried hard enough. I've been at this for a year, and haven't given up.

Also, she is sabotaging it so she can be with OM after YOU AGREE to divorce. Don't agree and she won't D you.

There IS contact going on. It is up to you to find it and expose it.

WW [/quote]

release her.

Jim,

You don’t think that’s her resentment during withdrawn? Thanks for your analysis and responds to her comments; it’ll be most helpful at home this weekend. I’m just not good with words and responds. I don’t think there are contacts but I have been wrong before especially about her WW ways. I’ll keep at finding out how she makes contact. So far, she has given me access to all her email and voice mail. BTW, she removed the OP’s name from her password today so that’s one bright moment. The only place she could make contact is from work; with him calling her there or using a calling card. Either way, I’m just fishing since I don’t know for sure and I can’t get access to the records.

According to WW, the reason why she comes home is for the kids. Acting the way she is certainly does not help the kids’ development. I know she’s trying to break me down but if she thinks that I’ll go along with a friendly divorce, she has another thing coming. I will not bend on that, it’s too important to me.

Thanks again for being here for me when others have gave up on me.

Hi Lexxy, you mean to give her a DV?

nope -- don't do any of the work regarding a divorce. Make her do it all. (protect yourself financially...file a legal separation if needed)

Just tell her she is free to go. Be calm and assertive.
Stop the struggle.

She has told you that she sees all of your changes. She's just going to battle with you over semantics. She is NOT in withdrawal. She is NOT in recovery. She is still in limbo and will drive you crazy with it.

Take yourself OUT of the equation. First get her out of the house, and then go back to Plan B.
She only responds to you when you stop chasing her. So STOP CHASING HER. You cannot force her into recovery. Wait until she WANTS to be there!

When she wants to come back -- make sure you are in control of that whole process. Boundries!!!

She's clearly trying to sandbag your recovery efforts. I would just continue to put on a happy face, not respond to her emails trying to bate you on and get you to give up, and work at being a super-sleuth to try and detect contact.

She is trying to sabotage your efforts for some reason. One could be that she is still in contact with OM. Another may be to get you to agree to and amicable D, so she can go back to pursuing OM. Either way, don't your WW sandbag your efforts. You are just going to have to be teflon until she gets through withdrawal from OM, but I would definitely be verifying using every means possible.

You can also use this as a way to enforce your boundaries. Don't take her abuse. If she sends emails like this again, email her back telling her you are blocking her email address until she learns to respect you. If she wants to berate you over the phone, tell her politely that you are hanging up and she can talk to you only in a respectful tone. If she wants to through a fit at home on the weekend, just go out and have fun with your kids without her. Don't tolerate her abuse.

file a separation and get her out of the house.

she is not back in the house to work on the marriage -- she's only there to restore her financial and asset position.

Thanks Lexxxy, I'm financially protected so legal separation is not needed. Actually LS will hurt me more because I would need to pay her CS and Alimony. I have told her many times that she is free to go but she won't on the advice of her attorney.


I can't get her out of the house. She just wants an easy DV and I’m not giving her that without a fight.

Lexxxy, filing a separation order will not get her out of the house without cause. My attorney has told me that. He also said that if anyone is to leave it's most likely me because in my state, the man usually leave if problem existed between the couples.

I agreed fully with you Jim on her actions and comments.

It might be the common thing for the man to leave but you don't have to if you are the innocent spouse. That's not a federal law.

Why reward the A by forcing the BS to leave? What good is that?

Btw, I'd check into getting another lawyer. That one seems to only want to go with the norm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

WW and I have the right to stay in the house even if a legal separation is filed. Two lawyers have told me the same thing that the likelyhood for me to leave is greater if the court is to decide on one of us to leave due to physical abuse or for the best interest of the children. Another reason is that I would have to pay her CS and temp alimony. With both of these in mind and my finances in check, why should I file for legal separation?

The lawyers are stating the norm. Present your case as NOT the norm. Check out more options. It is becoming more prevalent that mothers can also abandon their families (including their mates). Affairs have twisted what the norm s/b.

Where are you located? Don't need specific city but state info may help some here experienced with that area to know HOW you can get help. I would NOT move out. You are the stable one and you s/b documenting this. You may have to prove your case in court....at least plan for it.

take care,
L.

I'm in NJ. Since WW has not abandon her children, just me, I don't have legal ground to get her out of the house. Legal separation is not the way to go; at least for me.

So what are the benefits for filing?

Thanks,

You don't have to make it comfortable for her to be a WS and live in your home. What are the requirements for your valued family members in your home? You don't have to tell us, just think about it.

Remember to present all as a family. Care and concern are better words than ILY.

Getting the WS in my case wasn't legal either. I just didn't make it comfortable for him to stay there.

Check out your rights with your local area. Do some research. Don't assume you can't.

L.

Orchid, could you give me some examples of not making it comfortable for WW? I have not been able to find her broken N/C so if I make it uncomfortable, wouldn't that be LB on my part. I need a lot of help from people like you.

As of last night, she's complaining about not having control of our larger ($100K+) family finances (401K, IRA and stock accounts). She says that I owe her money from 2006's Tax refund that I deposited into my account which amount to about $10K. I think she's pissed that she doesn't have money for her use whichever that is.

Thanks,

Mike --

In Plan A you worry about lovebusts.
In recovery also, but you mutually agree on other marriage-building principals.
You aren't in either place.

You are still dealing with an active WW. She was in contact with OM as little as 3 weeks ago. You are living in a danger zone where she knows your plans and is able to work around them. She is simply going to take her affair further underground where your spying won't find it.

Absolutely do NOT give her access to your financial information. She is not your wife. She is an enemy to the family.

Husband and Wives do not "owe" each other money. Very obvioiusly she is trying to get her hands on cash. What do you suppose that is for? To further her affair, or fund a divorce. Do not allow it because she is "complaining."