Lexxxy, No way would I give her access to the money or financial info. Like you're saying, I'm in limbo and I just don't know how to treat her or act around her right now. I'm trying Plan A as best as I can but it's not working right now. Maybe until after our vacation in Orlando at the end of this month then I would demand more from her. I don't think LB is the way to go right now, what do you think?

MikeTC,

Lexxxy is correct. H & W's don't owe each other $$.

You are already making it hard on her. She wants control over the $$? Nope.... bad move.

Start putting on the screws a bit more. With each babble or whine.....put on more restrictions.

1. Financial cutoff - including canceling credit cards in both names.
2. computer tracking
3. Phone tracking (i.e. cell listing, etc.)
4. Background search on OM.
5. Exposure (this s/b #1) and continue with updates as needed.

Expect her to complain that all the above actions are hostile. Let her know you are aware they are quite hostile to the WS but NOT to your real W. Emphasize the difference between your real W and the WS. Then expect her to turn on some charm to get on your good side (once she determines you are her $$ bag). You can test this by NOT giving in, then see if she turns hostile. If so, it was a facade or false show of affection. If she agrees her actions were bad and she needs help to change....still be cautious but have a recovery plan which includes a very good IC/MC. I recommend Jennifer C @ MB. Jennifer does phone counseling and can guide you well.

L.

These plans are not designed for jumping back and forth.
You lose credibility when you state a boundry and then don't enforce it.
I think you harmed yourself HUGELY by letting her back into the house.
At this point I STRONGLY suggest you get guideance from Steve or Jennifer at Marriage Builders. Schedule an appointment ASAP (before vacation).
Get together a summary -- use your posts to get a timeline together.

Lexxxy, I know I harmed myself when I let her back prematurely but I have not jumping back and forth. My Plan is Plan A since she’s back and boundary is N/C. I have thrown all her cloths into our foyer/hallway when I last found broken N/C. I have told her the next time it’ll end up in the driveway even though I’m not sure I’ll put her belonging in the driveway but it’s a strong possibility. I have no hard evidence that she have broken N/C since then even though it is suspected by most of you that contacts maybe continuing.

I can’t afford Steve at this time and I don’t think she’ll participate anyway. I think our MC is doing a good job but WW just wouldn’t participate or work on our M. It’s just a waste of money to counsel with Steve at this time.

don't tell me you can't afford it:



I am not suggesting both of you talk to Steve. Just you.
To get a plan together. You need professional help with this.

I assumed when she left home, you went to Plan B. Then she wanted to come home. So you jumped back to Plan A.
Is that not the case?

Lexxxy, You know what, just to have all bases covered, I will seek help from Steve/Jennifer but I think I know what they're going to said.

How do I go about getting an appointment? How do I present my summary to them once I got it together?

Go to the counseling center link above and follow the instructions.

Btw, you may think you know what they will say and you may know some of it but even it is totally reiterating what you already know, it w/b helpful.

Steve & Jennifer are both excellent at helping the BS and family. As for the WS, that varies based on the WS' attitude at the time. Still it is worth for every BS to consult with them. Most don't but should. I'm glad I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Worth every penny I scraped to meet with him.

L.

Orchid and Lexxxy,

I went to the counseling center and requested a session. Do I just have a summary of my stitch ready for my session? How precise do I have to get with the details?
I'm going at it alone since WW will not join me.

I think its BETTER that she not join you.
This is for you.
To get a marriage builders endorsed plan for YOU.

I sincerely don't know whether to advise you to Plan A some more or expose more. I think you need to regroup and call in the pros!

I think most people call their 800# to schedule the appointment. So glad you are doing this!
You will not regret it!

I suggested pulling your notes together simply to be prepared. That hour flys by, and you want to make the most of it. Having those answers at your fingertips will help you feel ready.

Please let us know when you have your appointment!

Update:

Now I have a confirmation why WW been talking about finances lately. Last night she told me that she's going to dip into her 401K (~$85K) to finance a DV. She has it all planned out, she's going to lose about $30K to tax and penalty but still have about $50K to fight me in court. She's OK with losing that kind of money. She sound like she’s really serious about it so things are definitely is looking grim.

It may be too late for Steve to help if she follows through.

Tell her that she should plan to take out an additional loan to because that will not be enough if she thinks she is going to replace you with OM, have you send a CS check and take 1/2 of your things just because she decided to become a lying, immoral, cheating, selfish, deceitful, WW.

Update (OP doesn't want to play anymore):

I confronted WW last Friday (8/10) after I found out she took half day from work to drop in to see the OP a day earlier (8/9). I told her I was hurt by her actions and was going to let it go (Plan A) without LB. When I asked her to tell me the truth about her meeting as well as what was said during this meeting, she basically told me that I don’t deserve the truth and don’t need to respond to my questions. I lose it and physically threw her A$$ out of the house. Before it got out of hands (like her calling the cops), I asked one of our friend to come over and tell her she needs to respect me in our home and needs to tell me the truth.

While waiting for our friend to come over the house and her staying in the garage, I called the OP and told him not to contact or meeting with my wife. He responded that he didn’t want contact with her and it is WW that shows up at the store where he works during the day to talk to him. He said that he told her to go back and work on our marriage back in May and have not change his stand. He told her that they will not have a future; he is feeling terrible and guilty about their A especially the affects (DV if it happen) on my children. He wants his own children (not mine) and WW may not be able to have children because of her age and she is in menopause. He also told me to let WW know that he does not want to be contacted; if she does, he will let me know by email or to call me.

I eventually let her back into the house after an hour or so. After she's back in, she told me she makes contact because she has a weak moment (No sh*t, tell me something I don't know). From OP, apparently one of their mutual friend told WW she needs to move on because the OP told her that he’s moving on. She also told me that she’s sorry that she makes contact but she just cannot be married to me any more. With me watching her every move (Deep WW Fog); she have seen a lawyer and told me to be expected to be served. I told her that I’m not going to talk about DV and need to go thru my lawyer for that type of discussion. She says that she will seek a DV even if I drag it on and spent all our children’s education money. When I told her OP doesn't want to be contacted, she freaks out and told me that I screw everything up; it is the worst thing that I could do and I will pay for it. She also said why do I have to get him involved (hello, is anyone home??)

Today, OP email me this morning to let me know that WW makes contact. He told her to make that their last contact and not to be involved or contacted again. He also told her that there will not be any future with him even if we end up in a DV. He also said that he’s sorry, but that’s all he could do is not to make contacts with her and wish my family luck and happiness. I responded by thanking him for letting me know and I will not explored and get nasty, and foremost not in front of the kids.

I also have my first session with Steve Harley, he told me basically to Plan A and not LB. To let her knows that I care and the ideal situation for our family; where WW is whole heartily in love with the father of her children. If she does file for DV, I need to drag it out as long as possible. He also wants me to convince WW to talk with him, even if only for one session.

Consult with a lawyer and document everything you can that would put you in a favorable custody situation. If she does file for D, you need to file for full custody. Don't have SF with her (if she would even let you) if adultery plays any part in support payments or property. Basically, get your gunners lined up in case she files, and hopefully if she does, you can make her retreat quickly once you blast her with the consequences of her actions. I would also protect your portion of your assests. If you have two children, withdraw 75% of it and open up a new account that she doesn't have access to.

If the OP follows through on what he tells you, then that's a great development. Infidels are, of course, liars.

Jim & sdguy,

I told WW last night that I received an email from OP about her trying to contact him. She gave me a sorry As$ excuse that she has a weak moment and just want to ring his cell once and then hang up (I didn’t buy it). She said that she doesn’t expect him to pickup and didn’t think it will show up on his cell phone (another lie because as soon as it ring, it will show up on his cell as a missed call). She did say that he text messaged her back and told her to stop further contact; I confirmed it with the OP today and that’s the extent of their contact yesterday. WW told me that’s it is really mess up where OP and I are working together against her; she thinks that we’re most likely going to continue communicate and talk about her. I told her I don’t see it that way, as long as she stops contact, there would not be a need for OP and I contacting one and other. Of course she doesn’t like it since we are taking the excitement and secretive out of her actions.

OP appears to be honest with me; at least for now. I of course will cross check his information to make sure he is on the level. I will not let up until they could be trustworthily. Thank God OP appears to see thru the thick fog.

Our MC called WW last night to ask her to remind me of today’s appointment; MC did that to get WW to go for IC since couple counseling is not in the picture right now. I told WW that she should go for me and she told my offer. After her meeting with the counselor today, she asked me if I could let her go to counsel alone and not talk to our MC because she needs to talk to someone about her inner feelings and feel that it is conflict of interest if I go see and talk to our MC too. I of course said it will be Okay.

From what I could gather last night and this afternoon, WW is putting the serving paper on hold, at least for now. I do have an attorney ready and will go for full custody if need be. Our finances are totally separated since Plan B started in January so that’s not a worry.

Comments? Think this is progress?

Mike:

She's DOING NOTHING with the Lawyer.

Count on it.

She is spouting.

OP may be being truthful with you. "Trust, but verify"

When busted, some OP just want to get away as well.

Something about light and cockroaches.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Your doing the right thing.

If OP sends you a text that WW has contacted agian, say thank you to OM, and let your WW know that you know.

If the excitement is all gone, then theres no reason to play in that sandbox.

And if OP doesn't respond to her, but contacts YOU, then you just have to work on WW.

And you are way far ahead at that point.

LG

I think its AWESOME that OM is letting you know about her attempts! Lets hope he continues and is honest.

Hopefully she will start to feel some embaressment about it. But more likely she will start to get ANGRY about it, and take it out on you. And she will likely get mad about him not answering her calls and get more persistant about it feeling like she is OWED an explanation.

She's not going to be receptive to you at the moment. So expect anger and resentment and more alien-speak.
She needs to get withdrawn from OM.

I agree with LG -- she's not pursuing anything with attorneys. But are you prepared if she does?

Do you know what happens based on who files first? Would she have a way to make you move out?

Mike,

Just think of your situation as survivor.

Outwit, outplay, outlast.

You'll get off the island eventually, so suck it up for that million dollars.

LG, Lex & Jim,

You guys are dead on with assessment of WW. The excitement is definitely gone and the air is out of WW’s A balloon and it is really toxic. At this time she’s pissed about not being able to play in her sandbox. She is resentful and very angry with me; trying to convince me that I’m holding on and not given her the DV that eventually in her words “that will happen”. I just tell her that I’m not interested in any DV talk. All weekend, I’m trying to stay away from becoming one of the causality of her crash & burn.

I’m ready if she does go thru with filing but it appears to be on hold. In my state, there is no advantage to be the first one to file other than put up with the filing fee.

LMAO on light and cockroaches, I’ll trust but verify as well. I’m glad OP is doing this for me and my family; hopefully he’s man of his words.

I promise that I’ll out last her; one way or another.

Thanks all.