AM,

I agree with Melody....this lady is NOT your friend. Now that she is in pain and grief (like you were)....she needs you....I understand....you understand. That changes nothing. If you want to keep moving and end this relationship forever....then silence is your best bet. If you still feel something for this person, want to leave the door open to reconciliation, or don't want to just disappear....here's <a> suggestion:

Dear Janet,

I am so sorry for your great loss. I miss Fred....and you must feel so lost and hurt. I know more than I want to about process the of grief and loss....and how important friends are at that time. It's terrible to lose your life partner....in death.....but also to infidelity. Loss is so very painful. And both losses are surprisingly similar, in fact, I can't be sure, but I believe there is a special h*ll for those who know their husband still walks this earth...but is gone just the same. It's extremely hard to grieve a loss that was of "choosing" and yes, I've struggled with that loss.

I wish that our friendship had remained intact through my grief and pain, and the trust between us was still there....so I might comfort you now. There are people who might label me as "negative" because I'm not "over" the betrayal I felt when my friends attended my husband's "mock" wedding....but I feel stronger now and very much at peace with where I am. Fortunately, I DID "move on", and moving on....meant moving on without people who I had trusted, but who had no compassion for me.

I still care about you, but I know that making my life happy and peaceful now, means letting go of one-sided friendships. I am only open to rebuilding friendships that are authentic and compassinate. I grieve for you, and I forgive you, because holding on to pain is toxic for me....but that is very different from wanting reconciliation, or lunch. Reconciliation would involve a sincere attempt on your part to recognize and show remorse for how deeply you have hurt me so that we could begin anew. Maybe then we could cry together and hold eachother up. Without that, I deeply regret that any thought of getting together seems dangerous for me. I don't want to add to your pain....or mine....so until we can have a mutually nurturing relationship, I will just softly grieve for you in my own way as I follow my own path.

"When you're going through h*ll....keep on going!"

Blessings,
AM


Maybe someone else has a better letter....

everyone thinks I should have "moved on."


Well M***** **** "everyone" !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

YOU are what is important.

Can you envisage a single likely positive outcome of your readmitting this unprincipled creature back into your life ?

I would end the relationship dead : " I have moved on from the desperate hurts of a while ago. Part of that has been to leave behind me relationships with anyone who knowingly contributed to that hurt. That includes you. That you supported the freakshow mock-wedding humiliation ended any chance of our friendship for ever as far as I am concerned.

I wish you no ill, I don't wish you anything but out of my life."

Well, I like both letters!

But I do have to consider that anything I write will be shown to XH and the wistress. We're talking about sycophants here, after all. And I'd rather not give XH & OW fuel to extend their so-called happiness. It's looking bad, but only if you know how to read the signs.

I suspect that my friends were largely dropped after they had been subborned -- neither XH or OW have a gift for friendship. That's probably why the erstwhile friends are creeping back. They sold out, but got rhinestones when they thought they were getting diamonds.

But I can't guarantee that they aren't still suckerfishing off XH, and still trying to curry favor. Anything written -- and believe me, I would prefer to write -- can be used as evidence and twisted to fit an agenda.

That said, I will run into Janet at the post office, store, etc. So silence may not work either.

I wouldn't give a flying fart what XH & wistress thought. Not slightly. They rewrite history DAILY so whatever you said would be twisted.

Just tell this woman. "I've moved on, our friendship is in the past."

I am with Bob. Why do you give a flying crap what anyone thinks? Why would you value the opinion of someone for whom you have no respect? That is their problem. The reason that such evil goes unacknowledged is because no one says anything. Its like being in a sick, dysfunctional family where everyone tiptoes around the elephant in the living room and pretends like they don't see it. The elephant continues to sit there because everyone is pretending like it is "mature" to ignore reality. If I were you, I would go kick the ****** out of the elephant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't mind the kicking, Melody, but I do insist on winning. I've found in these situations that silence really does speak louder. I'd be willing to say anything if I thought I could make a dent in people's denial.

Oh, by the way, I forgot the best parts! Fred also had several affairs within this community, although his behavior was discreet. I wonder how Janet would have felt if I had had the affairees to dinner...

In his last days, Fred had a birthday dinner, and invited me. Unbeknownst to me, he invited XH and OW as well. XH and OW proceeded to act as host and hostess, with me an unwilling victim to the event. And Fred and Janet were so honored to have them take over. Someone at the table commented on how unconventional the dinner was, congratulating us all on how civilized we were.

I sat through it all. Fred was, after all, dying. I could have stood up and walked away -- but only by taking the spotlight away from Fred, and onto myself.

But then, the spotlight was already stolen. Then-WH and OW were stealing the show from a dying man. Oh well, this is a couple that made their social debut at a prominent man's funeral, a day after he moved out of my house.

But now I'm done. Never again.

A.M.M.

I suggest...

"Dear xxxx,

I rather enjoyed Fred's funeral. I'll be sure to attend yours as well, and on that day, I'll stop by "Lord of the Lobster" and pick up a wonderful takeout lunch to enjoy while listening to your children cry."

:evilgrin:

OK, but in reality, the rule is "be big". Just use the usual excuses and forget about it. "Oh, I'm so busy these days I'm sure I can't sqeeze it in. I'
m sure you can find *somebody* to lunch with you."

-AD

A.M. - when are you leaving this rather Stepford-like village?

As soon as I get a job, Kayla, as soon as I get a job...

Well I had a great post but I see Pepperband beat me to it.

I can't see anything you respond with will not be viewed negatively in some way by those choosing to do so. The fact that you have spent so much time pondering this might mean that you are dwelling on the past. Forget about Janet. Don't worry about what she might think about you. She is no value to you. Nancy Reagan: "Just say no".

Ageed, piojitos. That's why I dislike these "incidents." They pull me right back into the past, to the room where all the blood is.

It's important that I respond in ways that, in the long term, will minimize my energy loss. Sometimes that means putting in more energy up front rather than responding quickly and dealing with fallout later (f'rinstance: we have so many mutual friends; any letter could create warfare that draws in many more players and create more trouble.)

I'd rather worry about the dog's bad breath. But here I am.

But let me correct that previous statement -- about "holding on to the past," or whatever. Because so many Betrayed Spouses get hit with that one.

The past is part of who I am. I am not "clinging" to it -- but I refuse to betray it. I refuse to dump the dog that belonged to XH, because it trusts me now that he is gone. I refuse to forget my stepkids who trust my loyalty and view this as their home. I refuse to shed the past like a snakeskin.

What happened to me changed my life forever. I am still digesting the lessons to be gleaned from it; I am still paying for it.

XH has not "clung to the past." He has dumped his own kids. He has forgotten the dog he promised to raise and train. He turned his back on my daughter, although she had come to view him as a father. He has abandoned every responsibility he has ever had.

I don't want to be like that. So yes, I will "cling to the past." But I don't want to be mired in the politics of his stupid R. And I very very much want to turn the page and start a new chapter!

This weekend I was working a lot in the garage. Since I had to cut a lot of wood, I had hauled the saws and things out onto the street to mess it up instead of the house but I was doing a lot inside but with the garage door opened.

As it turned out, WW's friend who I believe was a significant enabler of the A was walking by in front of the house. I think she walks by just to try to talk to WW. I have told her H that we are not to have contact with her (them). Anyway she was walking by and I was given the urge to try to smile, be friendly, wave, think of something pleasant to say. In the end I decided to turn my back and go about what I was doing.

Different story. Last week we had a major crisis with a vendor who is supplying us with some electrical switching equipment we are in urgent need of. The company sent a rep and a contractor from our Houston office to inspect it. It had "exceptions". A co-worker wrote an email to the vendor stating that he wanted a meeting immediately and that this was totally inexcusable this late in the game. We had the meeting. Turns out the exceptions are not deal-breakers and the inspectors were going to release the order for shipment anyway. He got an email this morning from a buyr in Houston telling the world how an engineer in Saudi had said this was a totally unacceptable situation. He read me the email and asked where she had ever gotten that idea. I told him she got the idea from him after reading his email and I found his email. He had forgotten he had written it. The point to this story is this: if you feel compelled to respond to Janet in some way, don't do it in writing. Never leave a paper trail.

Agreed. I don't feel "compelled" to do anything ... which leads me to the default option of silence ... which may just postpone the whole sitch till later.

I'm thinking about what Melody said ... which is true. People on the whole are too silent about these things -- but I don't feel like I'm the person who should be piping up. I'm the person with the least credibility -- the person who will be seen as "bitter," "negative," not "moving on" or whatever. And anything I do could potentially create a firestorm involving others -- while I don't care, from one perspective ... if I'm this indecisive about one phone message, what would I do if there were ten?

I don't see any "give" in this situation. There's nothing moving enough for change. Nobody wants to let go of their position -- and I don't have anything I want from these people anymore, so there's no reason to make statements, try to persuade anyone, etc.

I feel, perhaps wrongly, that the ball is in God's court. And that it's my job to do the best I can to get out of Stepford, and patiently wait to see if there's an opening anywhere for me to do something differently.

But I'm still unsure I should do nothing vis-a=vis Janet. I'm terribly indecisive, and it takes up way to much space in my head when I go into a dither.

he person who will be seen as "bitter," "negative," not "moving on" or whatever.

You are FAR too concerned about other people's opinions of you, especially bearing in mind that your XH and OW actively corrupt their interpretation of your personality every day in order to rationalise their behaviour.

Other people's opinions of you are none of your business.

And what firestorm can ensue from you telling a one-time friend who betrayed you that you do not want to resume that friendship ?

Find some sand, A.M. Look your corrupt detractors proudly in the eye and DO NOT fear them.

I was watching Seinfeld last night and Jerry was dating a girl who had a mentor. Well it is a bit complicated but the mentor and the protege had a fight and broke up the relationship. So GF decides to stop seeing Jerry because she has nobody to give her direction in her life. Jerry offers to be her mentor. She says she needs someone with experience. Jerry says he has that. She says she needs someone to tell her what to do. Jerry says he can do that. She says she needs someone she can trust. Jerry says "drat! Two out of three!".

She needs a mentor because, without it, she spends way too much time and energy being indecisive. She needs someone to set a direction for her. [Through a strange set of circumstances, George ends up being her mentor]

Maybe you need a mentor - just not someone like George.

Seriously AMM, seek advice, based on that advice develop a plan. Stay with the plan. It does occur to me that you are spending way too much energy on this phone message. I think it might be a good idea to get rid of the answer phone. This message seems like the tip of a very large iceberg.

Go ahead and sell your place in Stepford. I am guessing property values must be very high there based on its popularity.

Whuh? Who is more qualified to decide how you feel than you? You are the person with the MOST credibility. The rest can get stuffed.

I like StarFish's letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I understand about NOT leaving a papertrail but even if the entire town reads that letter, so what? I believe it was written very well.

JMHO,
L.

I liked Starfishs letter too.
It has class and dignity.

Maybe read it as a message into her voicemail, if you don't want a paper trail....?

Lost my original post, dangit!

Do you remember the thread on here regarding the book by Peck called "People of the Lie"?

Peck says that evil people are those who leave confusion and chaos in their wake. Although I may not agree with the verbiage or the drama associated with calling people evil, I do agree that these kinds of people are incredibly harmful and destructive to all in their paths.

My last sitch was like that AMM. I know the feelings you must have had, the confusion, the indicision, the inability to quite put your finger on it or know how to deal with it.

The self-doubt.

I believe that any communication you have with them will hurt you and bring back the same old confusion and chaos. We need to keep, as Mell calls them, unprincipled people out of our lives. In fact we have a responsibilty to do just that.

Pep was able to make me see that putting up fences to protect ourselves in not only necessary, to not do so is foolish. Good boundaries they are called.

The people who should not have remained silent were them. They know that that unholy production was just plain wrong. You are not responsible to educate them, or to help them become better people and I don't believe you even can.

You can only make sure that communication is closed with them so that you become strong mentally and emotionally, and restore your own value and self-worth.

After that it becomes pretty easy to walk away from bad or shady or unprinciple people. After that you guard your heart and mind so that you can love the people in your life that need you, that depend on you to do just that.

I have no trouble throwing out Christmas cards unanswered and deleting messages. I never give them another thought actually. And when I run into these people I have no trouble excusing and removing myself politely and quickly.

But it wasn't always this way, and I lost much because of it.

We pay a price for not being strong and decisive. But when we become self-assured and honor our own boundaries, keeping the rifraf out, life gets really good.

I would not share my feelings, any of them, with this person.