Good evening every one....

To get right to the point, I called xW today and asked her to join me for dinner tomorrow night. It was a very short phone conversation...I just told her that I felt like we left the conversation hanging when we talked in November and we needed to finish it.

She had a really snotty attitude from the time she answered the phone...like she was mad before I called.

We are going to meet at a little Japanese place that we used to like. We ate their so much that the lady who owned the place would have our drinks waiting on us by the time we got in the door when she saw us drive up.

I haven't been there since we separated.

In other news.....

I have been traveling A LOT for work since the new year. I spent last week in Virginia, came back home for 2 days and was off to SW Florida. I just got home about an hour ago (I called xW on the way home).

Thank you all for continuing to care and pray for me. I have been going through a really hard time lately and I miss Ann tremendously.

Georgia

Georgia,

I've been thinking about you and wondering about you.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.

I'm sorry about your xw's attitude. Perhaps she expected you to call sooner - so she's been building up a resentment account just for you.

I can only guess.

Wishing you the best,

-AD

Will be praying for you today!
Take care.

Well...we had dinner together tonight. It was pleasant, we were both careful not to step into any land mines. I didn't ask her any important questions (like..."how's #2OM doing these days?") and we just had a casual dinner.

I can't say that I left there with any strong convictions that I need to pursue her any further.

And, I think I somewhat surprised myself at the lack of genuine emotions that I felt sitting across the table from her.

Has just so much time gone by that I just don't care for her anymore? Or is it those horrible memories that come back to my mind whenever I even allow myself to think of us getting back together?

I don't know..but I'm glad we are at least able to sit down and talk without getting into a fight.

Georgia

This has happened t me too, although I haven't sat down with WH yet. It's probably a defence mechanism. Let's see what Mimi says.

Anyway, it was a good rather than bad experience, and that's good.

FGG,

I think you will find, absent any efforts on her part, that you will find being with her like being with an old school friend. Lots of shared memories, but not much in common these days. Your life is your job, your dog, your home, your children and your future. The order will change.

Her life is her friends, her OM's, her children, and her future. Notice there is only ONE common touch point now...the children. And the children are leading their own lives with the need for either in their lives much less than it was. It is the way of things.

So how is your future looking? The job going good? Your hobbies looking interesting? Church starting to engage you again? The potential of new friends, new acquaintances, and possibly a new someone, interesting you again?

Take your time FGG, I am sure your future holds many surprises.

God Bless,

JL

I'm not sure what to think about it.

It's SCARES me to think that could happen...that I could ever sit across the table from my H and not feel any emotions...throughout all of this I can't say that I've ever felt that way...so I can't relate to that...maybe it means that my love bank was never emptied...

Then again, I think my H felt that way about me....for years not having any emotions.. when he was "in love" with the OW..but he fell "in love" with me again because he OPENED HIMSELF up to receiving love from me again...when I began addressing his needs...

I'm thinking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ....and I certainly may be wrong... that the Harleys might say that since.... LOVE IS A VERB... if BOTH Georgia and his wife made the decision to work on their relationship again..then there's a high likelikhood of RECOVERY...since they have such a long HISTORY together. However, they both would need to make that decision.

JL -

You make some very valid points and I appreciate that. Yes, I suppose it is true that maybe we're entering a phase now when our lives have started to diverge to the point that maybe we are losing those areas of common ground.

And, yes, my future looks very good if you're on the outside looking in. My job is doing very well...and keeping me very intellectually engaged (to the point that I don't know what I'm doing most of the time!). I love teaching my H.S. students, and my CASA case goes back to court on Thursday for the final ruling on disposition with the kids. Then, I'll be onto a new case. I'm enjoying the work on my house (which is getting nicer and nicer I might point out). Jeb still loves me.

But...the aloneness is haunting. I keep thinking of the words of someone here who posted about their sister who always has to see their worth through the eyes of a man. I question if I'm that way...why can't I be content and happy alone? I hate it...

Anyway...enough of that.

Mimi...

Here is my paradox. When xW and I talked in November, my heart raced, I had thoughts of the thrill of being back together, and even my beloved Ann seemed eclipsed by that one conversation with her.

Now...here I am 2 months later...and I can sit face to face with her and feel nothing. I wasn't excited (or scared or nervous or anything) on the way to the restaurant. My heart didn't "pitter patter" when she walked in the way it did right up until the day I decided to leave her. When I was standing at the counter ordering, I consciously looked over to where she was sitting and was thinking to myself that there was my wife of 29 years...and I felt nothing.

That really almost scared me...how have I become so emotionally dead that I can even say that? It makes me feel ...well... almost inhuman.

I'm not sure what to do from here. You are likely right...if we could come to a POJA and start all over again, then maybe there could be hope.

It would be so nice if she would VOLUNTARILY tell me that she has finally taken the NC with OM(#x)thing seriously without me having to ONCE MORE ask her. As you will recall, the answer to each previous query has been less than overwhelming.

Georgia

FGG,

A few comments. Being alone is just that. It cannot be replaced by something else. However, being alone romantically can be replaced by friends, and family (your kids). If you don't learn the difference it will be hard to truly appreciate a good woman in your life. Here is what I mean. If you have good friends, friends you enjoy dine with, do things with, often referred to "the guys" for a male, then you have no way to judge a romantic relationship.

You see if you are alone, ANYONE can seem good to you. But, if you have good friends and a life that revolves around your work, your friends, your church, your hobbies, then it will take someone very special to make you want to foresake those things for this person. Do you see what I am driving at? I hope so.

You cannot be happy alone, until you see the worth of it. Once you do that, you will be able to compare and more adequately see the value of a romantic relationship, which should lead to a very grounded and rewarding relationship.

The woman in your life to date have been there because YOU were trying to fill a void. Perhaps they were as well. But, someone that just fills a void is NOT necessarily a good choice. You need someone that not just fills a void but actually ADDS to your life, brings to it many things that just a friend could not do.

That is why people often counsel others to wait a year before becoming involved or even trying to become involved with another person. You never gave yourself that year. You were looking to fill the void. That is unfair to you and the other person. Learn to enjoy your aloneness. Learn to relish it. And learn to make friends, good friends. In short make a life that someone would like to join. Not just to fill a void.

Does this make sense? I hope so.

You comment on your response to Mimi. You don't feel anything for your W because she has not made any deposits in your love bank. In fact, all she has done for the last 6 years of marriage and the time after the marriage is make withdrawals. Sooooo, why are you surprised that you feel so little. Had she followed up the Nov. contact with any indications that she cared, or had changed, or simply saw a few things differently then perhaps you might. But, she did not and this was/is a major withdrawal from the LB.

Not a surprise, it is just things working normally. You know that 29 years of marriage meant little to her, and now you are beginning to accept it.

Hang in there FGG, your day and time is coming. Just be prepared for it and you will do well.

God Bless,

JL

When I see my Ex from across a room, or sitting in his car, I feel like I barely recognize him.

My Love Bank was drained even before the D was final. So when he made that feeble attempt at reconciliation about 6 months after the D, my first thought was "oh great. NOW he wants to reconcile, and I have nothing left" but I wanted to try -for the kids. After a couple of weeks of phone calls, couple of dates, I did start to feel an ever so slight return of my feelings. So I know, for me, it would have been possible to restore those feelings. But as it turned out, for him, his A was a reflection of a new life style he had completely embraced, and was not going to give up. So we stopped the feeble attempt to reconcile, and just moved on from there.

In my opinion - if you did decide to reconcile, you certianly could restore those feelings. 15 hours spent together each week - sharing care and concern for each other, that sort of thing would build "that loving feeling". But without the effort - you will continue to feel like she is simply someone you once knew.

As far as the lonliness - it is ok to feel "bad" about being alone. I don't think anyone really likes it. But you are doing a lot of the right stuff - traveling, taking classes, volunteer work. While you are doing these things, your healing is happening. You heal, you grow, you figure out what sort of things you like to do, and what you don't like to do. Try to look for those opportunites to take advantge of your single-ness. example - going on a 2 week mission trip to Biloxi. That is something a single guy can do - you don't have to worry about leaving a wife at home alone for 2 weeks. But someday you will be married again, and you will have to consider your wifes feelings before you could do something like that.

It is good to be married, and have someone to come home to at night. And that will happen for you again.
But it is also good to have the freedom to just pick up and go wherever you want, whenver you want. So try to enjoy that while you can. And while you are enjoying it, you will also be building a stronger, healthier GG.

JL: I can agree with Georgia's love bank being depleted..but I don't believe that 29 years of marriage MEANT LITTLE to her...I don't see how Georgia could ever ACCEPT THAT..my opinion....

Mimi,

Well, I don't know. It meant so little that she had 2 affairs. the second of which she would not give up the OM to save her marriage. I am certain there were some very good times in their marriage, and FGG remembers them. What I have doubts about is that she recalls them at all given the 6 years of her affairs and justification, and very likely the continued justification of her affairs in her head.

She has never once said she was sorry, and she never once told FGG that she wanted him over her contact with OM.

I think FGG has little else to do but think that 29 years of marriage meant little to her, especially at the end. His view of it is entirely different, of course.

I am not trying to vilify her. I just think that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. She was indifferent to him and continues to be. Those are my thoughts on the matter.

Hard thing to do, but in reality the data seems to indicate her indifference.

How are you doing Mimi?

God Bless,

JL

Hello all -

Okay, to settle the JL / Mimi dispute.

First, to clarify a point of fact, in the phone conversation in Nov. she did in fact as me to forgive her for what she has done. No mention of OM.

She TOLD me that the 29 years of marriage meant nothing to her, but I have chosen (and continue to choose to do so) not to believe that. As you may recall, when she told #2S the samething, he came to me and said "Dad...you know that mom was very happy. Even I know that.".

Yes, I think the 29 years meant a lot to her. And, actually, I think that she now is coming to realize that more and more. But...she still (IMO) is too stubborn to do anything about it beyond throwing me a bread crumb from time to time hoping that I'll start nibbling again.

She still doesn't get that the NC letter I told her about on Dec. 6, 2004 is still the key...IF (and that is a HUGE if) there is even a key to be had any more.

Georgia

In addition to all that JL et al said as to the reasons for being rather indifferent to your XW, I think that your feelings for Ann are still a factor.

No matter....the crux is still, as you said, FGG, that your XW still hasn't fulfilled the requirements set forth in your plan B letter.

Good Morning all -

Last night @ 11:00 PM my phone rang and it was xW. It was this very, very distant sounding (kind of detached) voice. She started asking me how I was doing, how are my parents, have I been traveling much, etc. etc. Almost like an interrogation. I tried to be pleasant and just chat with her.

Then she asked about my social life. I asked her what she meant and she asked if I was dating anyone. I told her that I didn't think it was wise if we discussed with each other such matters.

She told me that there were 2 men who were pursuing her and she wasn't sure what to do. I asked her if OM#2 is still in the picture and she said he is just a friend and that I made a big issue out of nothing. I suggested to her that if she starts to see another man she should let him know about OM#2 immediately or she is going to find herself right back in the same mess again.

She hung up....

After the "I'm sorry" discussion in November, I really thought she was beginning to recognize that her actions may have been inappropriate. But last night I heard the exact same tired message....there is nothing wrong with me and OM having this relationship and you're just making a big deal out of nothing....

Go back into that sort of relationship? I don't think so...

Georgia

Nor should you...I don't think anyone thinks you should be back in a relationship with your XW as long as she keeps her entitled WS state of mind. She seems to think she can do no wrong. I am sorry.

Be well.

Even I agree that she's sounds NUTS...

Hope you are out there ENJOYING LIFE...

We are on the other side of it now...

After my car accident on Sunday, I've really been thinking that life is MUCH, MUCH TOO SHORT TO WASTE ANYTIME OF IT...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WHAT!!!???

I haven't been reading along...you were in an accident?

I hope you are okay...sounds like you are...

FGG:

Cripes!

I feel very sorry for her.

-ol' 2long

Hi 2Long....

I did one of those LONG posts before lunch only to have it disappear on me. Don't you hate that??

I'll try again...

Mimi...I've read your "accident" thread. It is very touching...your "big strong man" (words you have used in the past) crying over you like that. Very tender indeed! (Glad you and H and both okay).

Okay....my update (for all)....

I am staying really busy with CASA stuff. I took a 2nd case thinking that case #1 was going to be over last trip to court. Surprise! It's been rescheduled and disputed and all this other stuff...so now I've got 2 very active CASA cases going on!

And...my Sunday School class is very enjoyable. These kids (High School) are a real joy to me and I get alot out of teaching their class.

Work is going well and I have been doing a lot of traveling. I was in Dallas the first 1/2 of this week, I will be home for a week, then off to Phoenix. I will be home for 3 days then off to Illinois for a week.

And..yes..I am dating someone ("June" we shall call her). A mutual friend told me 3X that she had a friend that I should meet. I wasn't real anxious, but after her third prompting I called her. We were on the phone a long time and she seemed really nice, so we had dinner and got along quite well.

The theme of our relationship is "sloooowwww...." (I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree but even I can learn from my mistakes!). I have just finished reading "Dating with Boundaries" by Drs. Townsend / Cloud and she is reading it now.

June is a very mature and well-grounded Christian lady (54 y.o.). She was married 20 years, has been divorced 8. Her husband ran off with a Russian mail order bride (how's that for strange?). She has 3 grown and married kids, 4 grandkids. I've met the 2 oldest kids and all 4 gk's.

She lives about 20 miles from me and attends a church of my same denomination. She has used her abilities (nurse) for some mission work and would like to consider early retirement to go into some sort of full time mission activities, be it here locally or elsewhere.

She came to our home Bible study last night (first time) and it was really nice to have her there.

My relationship with #1S/DIL is quite good now. They know I am seeing June but I've not invited them to meet her...we're not to that point yet. I am having dinner with #2S/DIL tonight and will tell them, but I don't expect them to be too thrilled about it.

All in all...life is good and I am happy.

I have finished remodeling my hall as well as hanging my LCD TV that Santa brought me. This includes building a cabinet around it to disguise it when not in use. I only have one bedroom left to remodel then I am totally done with my house.

Jeb says HI to everyone...

Georgia