Okay, the confrontation with my husband never happened last night. I got home very late because I was dealing with an unexpected situation back at my Dad's house. My Dad and my Stepmom were fighting (their marriage has been a little rocky) and I was watching my neice (who lives with them) and my son while they fought. Anyway, when I got home, my husband was already sleeping. I wasn't about to wake him up to talk. This morning before work he acted pretty normal. He talked to me, but not a whole lot. He left for work with a "C-ya" and that's about it.

When he comes home from work tonight, I'm sure we'll talk. I'm going to let him bring it up though. I was surprised by how I felt last night though. I was not nearly as nervous as I thought I was going to be. I found a little bit of confidence in myself. I have all of you to thank for that. You are the ones that are building up confidence in me - for now anyway. My feelings seem to change constantly. I hit rock bottom over the weekend and now I'm feeling okay. Not nearly great, but okay. Because of this situation, I have lost all self-respect for myself. My husband drained it out of me. I feel so weak. Today is an okay day though. Maybe it's because I saw my counselor too, I don't know.

Anyway, I'm rambling...I have some questions for all of you and I basically would really like to know if anyone else experienced the same thing, if it's typical behavior, if I should do anything about it, etc.....

My husband is so distant and cold to me. We show no affection to each other at all. We barely even touch each other. I feel like that is causing us to drift further and further apart. Should I be trying to give him hugs and kisses? I realize the timing is pretty bad right now because I'm exposing and he's angry, so maybe this isn't a good time to ask that question. The reason why I haven't been hugging and kissing him is because he is so cold and I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of rejection, I guess. I told him before that I wanted to do all of those things, but I told him I was afraid. I guess he understood. He just nodded.

His actions just seem like he's out of the marriage already. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal? He left Thanksgiving vacation early (Saturday @ 2:00) to go "hang out" with the OW. I think I posted that on this thread. If not, I did on my other one. Sorry! What I pain. He just won't stop being "friends" with her and I'm hoping my exposure is working.

I think he's unable to make a decision on what he wants because he still has 2 women in his life, kind of. He sees my personal changes as a good thing, but they're not making him want to be with me because he still has her in his life.

I can't remember if I posted this already or not, but right now we are living like friends or room mates. He said it's not too hard for him to live like this because he said we've lived like this before. He's probably right. We had some issues with sex, etc..in the past. He said things are actually better now because of the personal changes I have made. Anyway, he said that that is another thing that worries him though. He said he was hoping that would make a difference for him, but it didn't. I think it didn't is because he is still having contact with her.

Also, because we are not being physical, he has no idea how I would change my ways in fulfilling those needs. He really has no idea what it would be like to live with my with all of my changes because he's not allowing me to really be a wife to him. I don't think that can really happen until he gets that OW out of the picture.

By the way, my counselor loved the saying "your marriage can survive anger, but it can't survive an affair" Sorry to whoever I stole that from, but I used it today. I just told her that I was trying exposure and I was so worried about him being mad. She loved that saying. She said it was going to be the saying of the day! It's so true though.

Everyone on this site got me through the weekend, I just want you to all know that. If it weren't for all of you, I reall don't know what I would have done.

I look forward to getting some advice, suggestions, similar stories, etc...

THANK YOU TO ALL!

in_pain,

most definately. I am still having problems with it. Even though my wife left her job and works nowhere near him, he still will not leave her alone. Of course I do not blame him alone. My wife says he is just a friend. She says maybe they will talk a bit every few months or so. He texts her all the time. Many times there is nothing even written in the text message. I guess it is their little 'sign' to each other. i don't know about you, but I see this getting real old, real quick for a BS.

You are correct in that you and your WH will never be able to move on if contact is ongoing. So you must do what I did and really look at your marriage and decide if it is best for YOU. I don't know you, but what I do know is EVERYONE deserves someone who will love and repect them for who they are. Granted, we could probably all make changes in ourselves for the better, but an OM/OW shouldn't be held over our heads to force us to into those changes.

Good luck to you.

No contact means NO CONTACT! There is a reason Harley puts such emphasis on this. He mentions that he has seen couples reconcile, have a better M than before and the ex A partner re-enter the picture, say a few words and the A is back on. I personally don't know how anyone can be this weak minded but apparently it can happen and does happen so therefore his words of warning.

The WS's need NOTHING to do with the A partner or THEY need to go and have everything to do with the A partner and leave you the heck alone and allow you to move on to someone you deserve.

I'm so sorry for your situation, In Pain.

You must get rid of OW.

Have you exposed to everyone about their A yet?

Is she married?

~ Marsh

Friends can become lovers but lovers can never become friends

NO CONTACT

Until NO CONTACT the affair is not yet over. You continue in your Plan A until you are ready and able to Plan B.

Go to Just Found Out Board and read through "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" Thread by Longhorn. Longhorn's signature line also contains 3 links to other important threads like Spying 101 and Exposure 101. Go to the Main Website and fully read the materials and get the books. Become a marriage building expert and APPLY the principles to your life and marriage.

If you do this I guarantee YOU will make it. Whether you marriage survives or not...YOU will become a wholely capable person yourself.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - a wayward spouse uses the "friends" ploy to just maintain the addiction...you must snoop to, once again, prove that it's not just a "friendship". Of course, you really don't need proof....they KNOW it's wrong but he is merely trying to manipulate you into accepting it. It's like the alcoholic that says he'll only drink socially once a month until you find that bottle of vodka in his trunk. I say, don't buy what he's selling.

Hey In Pain,
I am sorry you have to be here, but it is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I read your other posts and see that the OW is a co-worker. I have some questions for you.

Are they still co-workers?

Is she married?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Have your read up about plan A here on the site?

Also, DO NOT tell your wayward spouse about this site and the forums. You will be getting advice on how to break up the affair and win him back -- you don't want him on to your game plan.

Hang in there.

InPain,

"" have trouble getting rid of the other woman or the other man?""

Your "trouble" is your WH who still wants to be "FRIENDS" with the beeotch!

""He says he's confused and he doesn't know what he wants""

OH, HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS, ALL RIGHT!!! He wants to sit on the fence and eat his cake as long as YOU will let him. He probably is confused because he doesn't recognize himself, just like a crack-head or an alchoholic doesn't recognize what they are.., or rather what they have become!!

He is confused because his selfish, self-centered, quest for self-gratification has become the most important thing in his life!! Bigger than you, your precious 21 month old son, his whole family!

His confusion stems from his FOG...his addiction to OW. This confusion will remain as long as there is contact with her.

It looks like it is up to you to MAKE HIM SEE THE LIGHT!! Whatever these steps are, they must be taken. He must choose between you, his son, and his way of life OR the selfish, clingy OW and lead the life of a low-life.

It shows you how wacked the boy is because it is such a hard decision for him.

YOU BE STRONG and don't settle for less than full NC.

krk

Marshmallow,

""You must get rid of OW.""

Maybe you can re-phrase this so it doesn't show up as a episode of "CSI". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know I have to get rid of her. I hate her!! I'm thinking about confronting her face to face. I sent her an e-mail, but she didn't reply. I want her away from my husband!! Any suggestions on how to do that? Most people do know about the affair. My parents know. His Mom knows (but, he doesn't know I told her). His father is deceased and; he passed away just 14 days before our son was born. It was since then that my husband's personality changed for the worse. Even his friends have said that he's a different person. They are co-workers. I forgot to mention that. Everyone in their office knows, including bosses. They don't know that though. They think only a handful of people know. I know this information because we have mutual friends in the office, which is what she used to be. No, she is not married. I don't even think she has ever had a boyfriend. I have never heard of one. I want her to go away. I just don't know how to do it!! I've even considered physical harm!

Hi moveforward:

Yes, they are still co-workers, unfortunately. No, she's not married. I don't even think she's ever had a boyfriend. None that I have ever heard about. I have not read any of the books yet and I still have a lot of reading to do on this site. I'm just looking for help because right now my husband isn't even ready to work on our marriage. I was going to tell him about the site only because I wanted him to read some of this, but you advise against it?

Ok, don't confront her, talk to her, or e-mail her.

What I meant to say, was you've got to end the A.



Why not? The idea is for his mom to put pressure on him to end the A.

Their office should be doing something about their A. You should write his bosses a letter, asking them to.

There are others here who can help you w/ the letter.

~ Marsh

Don't tell your husband about this site yet.

~ Marsh

krusht:

You could not have said things better. I know everything that you said is true. The big problem is that I want him back more than anything.

How do I make him see the light? How do I get him back? How do I get this poor excuse for a woman out of our lives?

Marsh:

You don't think I should confront her? Why not?

How do I end this affair?

You would have to know his mom to understand why I don't want him to know I told her. She is so weird. She would never do anything to put pressur on him. He is her son and she loves him. That's what I had to hear. She would never take sides even though she doesn't agree with him. She would never get involved. I know she wouldn't. I agree, their office should do something about the affair. I arranged it that they don't work on the same jobs together anymore. They are both CPA's and audit companies. So, they no longer work on the same jobs, I hope. My understanding is that if my husband was one position higher, she could lose her job. But apparently, because he is not in a high enough position, they can't do anything. It's very stupid.

Ok, in_pain ~

First of all, NO phsysical pain, ok? I'm sure you already KNOW this, but you're so out of your mind with hurt and pain and shock that you are thinking crazy thoughts. I know, I remember. Squelch those NOW so you can start doing what you NEED to do...things that are going to help you M. Hurting the OW isn't gonna help. Don't worry, though, she's gonna feel some emotional pain, and humiliation real fast here. Oh, and she'll lose friends over it as well, people will see how slimy she is and want nothing to do with her. Happened to the OW in our case, and that feels GOOD. I almost wanna jump up and down and clap my hands for joy when I think about it...but my heart just gets a sick little smile on it instead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

First, you need to expose MORE. Especially at their work. Don't try to hide it from them that a lot of people know!!! That is a mistake. You will need the back up from the DISGUST that other people will feel for the two of them.

One of them is going to have to leave their place of work...if you don't think OW will, then your H needs to. Period. Sounds really extreme and lame, I know, but it's necessary.

In the meantime, can he at least take a leave of absence? Ask him if he would be willing to do that, in order to give your marriage and YOUR BABY a fair chance at recovery. As long as there is contact, you will not be in recovery.

Keep posting here, read, read, read, and ask for help and support. You'll get it here, if you want it.

Good luck to you!

~MF

No, She's not worth your effort. Plus she won't care what you say or do. And since you'd like to physically harm her, I'd definitely stay away from her. We don't want you ending up in jail. Remember, you have a little one to think of.

Your best tool to break this thing up is exposure.

Does she belong to a church? Does your husband?

Expose to whoever you think might put pressure on them to end it.

Have you read up about Plan A?

~ Marsh

ok, take a deep breath and let's get a plan going.

ready?


I bummped up the thread The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A for you.

We are going to start with exposure:
Ok,you said that the people in the office know. Their bosses know? Have you spoken to them directly? I would suggest writing a letter to their supervisors. Tell them you are aware your husband and this woman are having an afair but you are determined to fight for your marriage. Remind them this leaves them wide open for sexual harrassment charges. Ask them what they plan to do about it. If you get no response, go higher.

Next,
You mmust call his mother, his sibilings, good friends, cousins, etc. You must tell them you want to save your marriage and ask they they support you and not him in this.

This should be done all at one time- do not tell him you are exposing.

Next, you need to track down her family. Call her mothe/father. Tell them she is having an affair with a married man and a father. Maybe they will put pressure on her as well.


Try to do all exposure on the same day. Do not give them a chance to tell possible exposure targets that you are a cray person and they are 'just friends'

Read the Carrot and the Stick and come back and post your questions.

hang in there

Here's a list of Do's and Don'ts from Mr. W...


DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Definitely don't tell him (or anyone in your circle of friends) about this site yet!! You need to be able to talk freely here, and if he reads the advice you are getting it is going to make it harder for you to be effective in breaking up this affair and healing your marriage.