InPain,

Somehow you have to look him in the eye and say "IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGH-WAY". (He will NOT do this on his own.)

It must come down to forcing him to choose.

There can be three options.

He chooses his family, you, and his son.

He chooses her.

He chooses to do nothing and continues down his cake eating/fence sitting path.

Two of these choices result in Plan B or Plan D (divorce)

""The big problem is that I want him back more than anything. ""

So will you accept 1/2 of him back, while the other 1/2 is with OW?? Can you live with his continued fence sitting and his lies, whining, and confusion?? All this DRAMA??

What is worse?, living without him and living a normal life with your son or living with him and the continued emotional rollercoaster and heartbreak that will result.

Plus the longer you live with this the less you will feel for him, and that love you feel now will turn to hate or at least a fair amount of loathing at the sight of him.

How long has it been since you discovered this?

krk

Thanks MarriedForever:

I know I can't hurt her physically. I know that only because I can't do anything that would hurt me with custody of my son, if it should come to that.

How do I let them know that everyone at work knows? Neither one of them seem to think they have done anything wrong. They act totally cool around the people that do know. I swear, she does not have a heart or a soul. I wish you knew her too. She always seemed so perfect and moral. That's the impression she gives people. She acts so perfect. She's disgusting. Just thinking about her makes my skin crawl.

One of my bigger problems is my husband's unwillingness to work with me. He refuses the no contact. He won't commit to working on the marriage. He is so distant from me. We have no physical contact anymore. We basically live like friends. I hate it. It's crushing me and I don't know what to do.

We are going to counseling. I've had a few sessions by myself. He went to a men's group and then we went one time together. We have another appointment next week together. But, we really don't fit the bill for marriage counseling because 1) he's not willing to commit and 2) he's not willing to have no contact. Those are the criteria the counselor needs to have. So, I just don't know what to do. I want my husband back. I have thought about suicide many times. My son is the ONLY reason I am still here. I can't imagine living life without my husband. I thought our relationship was strong. I NEVER thought he could do this to me. This isn't like him. Although, he changed a lot after his dad passed away suddenly and he became a different person. I'm at a loss.

Ok, counseling for you is great, however, until your husband has ended the affair, MC will do no good...You've received good advice so far...What you want to do is Plan A your husband...Which means, meeting all of his emotional needs that he allows you to-become the best wife you can be AND Expose this affair immediately...This will make your husband very angry, but that is okay, because his anger your marriage can survive, but it can not and will not survive an ongoing affair...You can rest assured that once you expose them at work, they will know it...Get cracking on that letter and finding the OW's parents...

Also, your saying "this isn't like him" is a good sign, as this behavior is likely an abberation of character for him, rather than a lack of character...Once this affair has ended, and he gets out of the "fog" and goes through withdrawal, your marriage will be VERY salvagable...

Suicide is NOT an option...That is a very selfish act and your DS needs you...keep that line of thinking going...You are the only sane parent he has right now...You can do this, and you will be okay...Keep reading and posting and allow this board to be your lifeline...And I want to reiterate not telling your husband about this site right now...You can't educate a WS, so don't try...Hang in there, we are here!

Mrs. W

You're giving the OW and your WH far too much power over your life and emotions. I've been in your shoes and know its not easy, esp since the OW was a friend. And I'm very sorry you've been betrayed so terribly.

I assume you're in Plan A, no? If so, for how long?

Jo

"You can be friends with your affair partner or married to me but not both."

If you aren't willing to actually walk away from the marriage there is no compelling reason for the affairees to change their steps..you are a given so they can do just as they wish.

My suspicion based on your first post is that the affair isn't past tense. I think it's active. I haven't encountered any truly former waywards who did not recognize the affair as the ugly brutal rape that it is and obviously after acknowledging this asking that you remain "friends" seems kinda well...stupid.

krusht:

I wish I felt that strong. I don't have the confidence to do that because I really don't think he would choose me. He would leave and that's not what I want. I was going to take my son and leave. I wrote him a letter and then we talked. I told him I can't live like this anymore. I told him that I can't stand the distance and I cannot tolerate him spending time with her. We talked and he said that if any one of us is going to leave, he should. He said that he would look for an apartment. So, he would be okay with that. I asked him that if he did move out if it would be over between us and he said yes. Then, I asked him if he stayed at home and we continued to live like we are, if it would be over and he said he didn't know. So, I came to the conclusion that if living like we are can still give me some hope, then I would tough it out. If I have to choose between him leaving and our marriage being over to him staying and living like we are with a chance of it working, then I'll chose living like we are.

My counselor said I could also take an "I can, I can't, I will, I won't" approach. She said I can say, "I can live like this for X amount of time, but I can't live like this forever" or "I will live like this for an X amount of time, but I won't live like this forever". So, I talked to my husband about that and I guess we didn't make a definite decision. He didn't say he was definitely moving out and we didn't come up with a time frame for the "I can, I can't, I will, I won't" approach. So, I guess we need to come up with a time frame for that. I'm not sure what an appropriate amount of time is to wait.

I just feel like I have no control. I feel that if I do take a stand, he'll just leave and she will win.

I know it sounds crazy, but having him home with me at night is better than him leaving. I don't want to live without him, so having him at home with me as friends is better than not having him at all.

I found out about the affair the first friday in October. I forget the actual date. Friends of ours came to me and told me that an affair was definitely going on. These friends are also co-workers of my husbands and hers and also friends of hers. Well, they were friends of hers; they're not now. She has no friends. Anyway, one of these friends found a letter in my husbands desk from her. It basically left no question as to what was going on. The friend who found the letter made a copy of it and has it, but didn't show it to me yet. I'm not ready to see it. She said she would show it to me when I was ready. My friends and I had somewhat of an "intervention" on October 10th with him and exposed him. This was our anniversary. Not a great day. It was then that he said he would work on our marriage. That was a Tuesday night. On Friday of that week, he sobbed on my shoulder and told me that he wanted to be a better person, that he would be a better person, he said he was sorry, he was sorry for giving up on us and for not communicating with me, he said he didn't want to lose our son and our life together, he said he would make it up to me. He said that we would have a new beginning and start all over. The following Friday he told me to forget about what he said the Friday before. He said he doesn't feel that way anymore. So, I was crushed all over again.

When we had that "intervention", all I wanted to hear was that he wanted to work on our marriage. That's all I hoped and prayed for. I got to hear that, but then he took it all away from me by telling me he didn't feel that way anymore and he doesn't know what he wants.

I'll backtrack a little bit, when I found out about the affair, I really wasn't that surprised. It just confirmed what I was fearing for months. From May to September, he was never home. He went out all the time. He would come home from work, eat supper and then get changed and be gone by 8:30 or 9:00 and then not come home most times until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. I spent many nights crying and pacing the floors. He never saw our son. In those months, he never changed his diaper, gave him a bath, put him to bed, fed him, nothing! My son didn't know his Dad and he didn't know him. It was very sad. I couldn't leave them alone together - ever. My son would cry. Many times, I knew he was with the OW. Sometimes, he would tell me he was going to her apartment to "hang out" so I knew that's where he was. Or I would drive over to her apartment and see his car there and then sit in the parking lot and cry. He was "honest" with me that he was "hanging out" with her because he insisted that they were just friends. I heard him say that for months. "We're just friends, we just hang out and talk." Right....I knew something was going on, I just wanted to believe him so badly.

So, since October, he has been home a lot. He comes home after work and he stays home. He plays with our son, he helps give him a bath, etc... I see a big difference in our son now. He actually cries when my husband leaves now. Before, he used to just wave and not care. He was so used to seeing the back of his Dad's head. Now, he's home. So, I told my husband that I was so glad he came back home; I just wish he would come back to me.

So, that's some more information!! I'd appreciate any feedback from anyone!!!!!!

Thank you!

in_pain...

Are you ready and willing to expose this affair further? That IS what this is going to take...

Mrs. W

Listen to MRS W on this. Expose the Affair to the light of day NOW. Set boundaries for you and your son and show quiet confidence even if you don't feel that way. Don't be needy.

As far as her winning goes would she really be winning in getting the man that your WH has turned into?

Mrs. W:

I was actually just going to write a new post on exposure. Like I've said before, everyone at his work knows, but he and the OW does not know this. I would like to write a letter or e-mail to his boss regarding the affair, but I just don't know how to go about doing this. Can anyone help with this? Also, the OW is not from the town we live in. Her parents live about 4 hours away. The company they work for has an office relatively close to where her parents live. I wanted to address this in the letter to her boss. Why can't they strongly suggest or recommend that she transfer? One of our friends that works with them said that they have to be careful of getting sued??? I want her out of our town!!

Also, I think I found her parents phone number online. All I know is her Dad's first and last name and the town they live in. I think I have the right person. An address is there too. Do you think I should call him and talk to him? She is there all this week for Thanksgiving. I'm not even sure what to say to him. I don't think I want him to know it's me. I'd rather act like a friend. I want to see if he could convince her to move back home as well. There is nothing in our town for her anymore. She has no friends. All she has is her job, which she can get another job somewhere else.

Any thoughts????

Another thing I wanted to say about exposure. Whenever someone does talk to her about the affair and their friendship, my husband gets so mad. If she is upset in any way he gets mad. He tells me that it doesn't help when people "bug" her about it because it only brings them closer. He said that neither one of them have any friends anymore, so it just brings them closer. That hurts me to the core!!!!!! He said that people that were his friends are treating him differently too. So, he said he doesn't have friends anymore either. He said they only have each other. That makes me furious!!!!!!!!

So, this affair ruined so much for so many people. We had a large group of friends that always hung out together - for football games, parties, etc...Ever since this happened, no one gets together anymore. So, in a sense, my social life has been affected too.

It just makes me so mad when he said they are getting closer because they don't have any friends.

When we first confronted him about the affair, he said he wanted to work on our marriage. He was also worried about her being left alone. He didn't want her to not have anyone. He asked two of our friends to "look out" for her adn to "be there" for her. They said they would, even though they were upset with her. Well, she never backed off of my husband, so that really made them mad, so they really didn't try with her. Although, she didn't try with them either. So, my husband said no one is there for her. So, I guess he feels like he needs to be. So, my relationship has to suffer because she doesn't have any friends. That's not my fault. I can't make people be her friend. She wouldn't have any friends at all if it wasn't for me and my husband in the first place. She only made friends because we invited her into the group when she first started working there. That's another reason it made it so easy for my husband to start hanging out with her. She never had any plans; she was always available. She doesn't have a life.

Shouldn't that tell my husband something.......

Be sure to call her father. Tell him what is going on, and that his daughter is breaking up your family, and that you want to save your marriage, and would appreciate any help.

Have you been doing a good Plan A?

I really have to do more reading about Plan A and Plan B. I think I've been doing Plan A for quite some time. I have been making a lot of personal changes. I am really trying to be a better person to be around.

What do you do if your spouse doesn't have any interest in showing any affection? This is something that I'm not used to. My husband always showed a lot of interest in me and now he doesn't even want to touch me. It breaks my heart!

The no affection thing will continue until there is no contact with the OW. Most WS's refuse to give affection, although some continue with both the OW and wife.

That's what I was thinking. I need to get rid of her somehow. As long as he "hangs out" with her, he is going to remain confused. He says hes confused and he doesn't know what he, but he's not really doing anything to find out. I don't think so anyway. I think he's just waiting to wake up one day and have something snap to let him know what he wants.

I'd like to snap something - the OW's neck!!!

I have one more thing to say about the Plan A thing. Like I said, I've been making personal changes. I've been much more pleasant. I've been trying to not let little things upset me; I've been much more relaxed, not as uptight. I think I'm doing really well. My husband even said that he has noticed the changes that I have made. He said that things are better at home than they used to be. He feels that we lived like friends before (which he's probably right - I should have showed more affection than I did) and now they're better because I am nicer, etc...However, he said he thought that would make a difference and matter more, but it hasn't. I guess he was hoping that would help him make a decision, but it hasn't. So, I guess my Plan A isn't helping him make a decision. He is still seeing and talking to the OW way too much. I'm not ready for Plan B. I would lose him. So what do I do. Continue with Plan A?

I would really love to share some of these responses with my husband. I know I can't show him the site, but would it be safe to show him some of the things that some of you are saying? I'm just looking for any way at all to open his eyes. I am so desparate!!!

How long have you been in Plan A? It takes several months, and even then often doesn't work. That's why there is Plan B.

Well, that's hard to say. I knew for sure about the affair the first Friday in October. He knew I knew about the affair on October 10th.

However, I knew my marriage was in trouble since May, so I tried to make changes in May.

I know I'm not ready for Plan B yet. I would lose him.

If you want to share with him, purchase the book surving and affair and read it together.


Please try to keep all of your threads on one thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> For those of us who are following your sitch and trying to help, it just makes it easier. It also helps you not to have to keep repeating your story.,

Good idea! Sorry! I just thought if I had a new topic I should post again. I thought I'd get more traffic or responses that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />