Hey Married,
I meant In_Pain. We have been emailing back and forth. Sorry about that. I just hit reply.

I just got off the phone with In_Pain. She really appreciates everyone's concern.

Fiatflux, you are right. I just told her the same thing.


Thanks everyone.

in_pain ~

I highly recommend that you drop one of these threads and JUST POST ON ONE...it's getting hard for us to keep up on you sitch...

Don't worry, I did the same thing when I first started here too:)

Maybe pick which one you wanna focus on and just recap your sitch there....ok?

~MF

moveforward~

Kind of a bummer that we have the same nickname...can't call ya MF, or it will feel like I'm talking to myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No prob about the confusion ~ I had a feeling that's what it was, but wanted to make sure.

Thanks for updating us on in_pain's progress. We're all praying for her~~

~MF

Do what I do MF and call moveforward...MoFo...*snicker* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ah, Mrs. W,

you know that is my favorite nickname <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MoFo *snicker*

Ok, you two...this will bum me out even more, because I always love it when people call me MF...because I ALWAYS equate it to MoFo!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Not that I am the MoFo , mind you...!!! But that this whole suck sitch is one...

But, I guess I do have to concede to it really being more fitting for MOveFOrward.

Darn it!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


~MF

lol, oh please, Feel free to be MoFo. I have considered changing names, but I hate to rob Mrs. W of the joy of calling me that.

In_pain, we don't really mean to thread jack here- sometimes we just need somthing to smile about.

No Worries MarriedForever and MoveForward...Know that I will always consider you both MO FOs!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W<~~~snickering wildly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

P.S. IP, you are still in my thoughts and prayers...

OK, here's the deal. I called the OW's parents tonight. They were really mad!! They didn't even let me talk long. I'm hoping they were very mad at what I was saying and not at me. I think that was the case. It was first her mom and then she put her dad on the phone. All I got to tell her dad was that she was sleeping with a married man. He asked me what his daughter's name was and I told him her name and where she lived. He said Thank You and hung up. Maybe I should follow it up with a letter since I didn't get to say all that I wanted?

Also, my husband knows about it. He's at our house and I'm staying at my Dad's house (still for Thanksgiving break, I'm going home tomorrow). He called me tonight and asked me what time I called her parents. I didn't want to get into it with him over the phone, so I said we would talk when I got home. He is going to be LIVID with me!!!! I'm scared to go home. What do I say to him. Help me! I really wanted to do this anonymously, but didn't. Help!

ip~

I'm sure some of the big guns are gonna jump in here, but since they haven't yet and I'm sure you're dying for some support, I'm gonna....

Ok, first off: GOOD JOB ON CALLING HER PARENTS!! They needed to be informed. Have you exposed to anyone else? You should, and SOON, before WH and OW get to it before you do, or they're gonna tell their own (messed up) version of the story. If you haven't already done it, do it TOMORROW...even if you have to make phone calls versus notes/emails/whatever. Just do it, and do it early.

As far as what you say to your WH: {{{THIS IS CRUCIAL!!! }}}} CALMLY, tell him that YES, you told her parents. You did it because you are working to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, and anyone in their right mind knows that AFFAIRS ARE WRONG. PERIOD. AND that you all are working together to 1.) save your marriage and 2.) to give her a better life (gag, I know ~ she should have a sh*** life after what she's done...BUT! He MAY be concerned about her, and so "should" you (gag, gag, gag, I KNOW)...but, he's still in The Fog and might still think she's pretty cool ( I know, I know ~ she's not, she's slimy and yucky ~ but we're working on saving your marriage here, so ignore all this Fog crap for now, 'k? Oh, AND ~ sorry to all you FWS's out there....really, I am....but right now, to the BS, this is how we feel. Most of you FWS's, if you're here on this message board, are pretty da** awesome...but when you were a FORMER , you may not have been....just had to add that disclaimer).

Most importantly, BE CALM. Just express to him over and over that you are doing everything you can to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. DO NOT LOVEBUST!! No screaming, yelling, name calling...you know the drill, right? He may say some really lame stuff: like, that's it, you've ruined it now, we're done....blah blah blah. It's the FOG talking....just agree with him and stick to your guns: you are trying to save your marriage; there's room for TWO in a marriage, not three, etc.

We're praying for you and rooting for you!!!

~MF

GOOD!! I was worried I wasn't gonna sleep well tonight thinking I may no longer be a true MoFo!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HAHAHAHA!!! Ok, I'm a little sick...that's ok, isn't it?!?!?

~MF

Thank you MF; I really appreciate you responding. I was worried I wasn't going to hear from anyone since it is so late.

I think I'm going to print out your reply. I need to be prepared when I go home. I'll probably need some sort of script. I'm going to be in nervous wreck.

When I tell him I did it to save our marriage, I know what he's going to say. He's going to say, "that's not the way to go about doing it" He's said that to me before when he said that "I messed up". He's probably going to say that "I blew it and he's done". I've heard that too. I have this horrible feeling he's going to walk out and not come home. I'll be devastated and I know I'll feel like I did the wrong thing. I'm really good at beating myself up about things. He'll probably tell me that things like this will only bring them closer, etc...

****"He may say some really lame stuff: like, that's it, you've ruined it now, we're done....blah blah blah"****

This is probably so true.

Thanks again for your reply and I appreciate any other feedback from you or anyone else.

Thanks and wish me luck and prayers. I'm going to need it. I'm dreading tomorrow.

U r playing that what if game and it is draining your energies.

Learn to stop and concentrate your energies on what you do have control over. Learn to reverse babble so he doesn't hurt you as much.

L.

Re ANGER toward OW I had the same problem I had very violent feelings toward her I desperately wanted to obliterate her-----lucky for her we live in different continents.I have a very vivid imagination at the best of times each time she came uninvited into my head I disposed of her like a video game and I am telling you I never used the same means of disposal twice!! It got me through the worst of times.

The thing that hurt most was the secret. By exposing you are taking away the cheap thrill of the romantic secret and bringing reality to the party. Remember its not your secret. You are certainly not obliged to keep it.

Deal with events as they happen you cant anticipate what is about to happen play your card and wait for the reaction .

good luck & keep in touch

Bumping for in_pain...you out there??? How did the confrontation go last night? Are you working on further exposure? Update us when you can.

~MF

MF:

I'm here. The confrontation will actually happen tonight. I am still at my Dad's house and I'll be heading back tonight. I am very scared. I'm not good at confrontation. He always seems to turn it around on me and I get so tongue tied and upset. I'm going to read that link on Reverse Babble. Maybe that will help. Thanks for checking up on me. I appreciate it so much.

Good to hear from you...read up on reverse babble and be prepared for him to say some wacky/mean things....and whatever you do, DON'T stoop to his level. If all else fails, just keep repeating that you're doing everything you can to save your marriage, but that there's room for two, not three...that you KNOW once she's out of the picture, the two of you can work on having a better marriage than ever.

Keep us posted!

~MF

hey IP just sat down for a sec ad thought I would check on you.

Did you talk to your friend about her passing out the memos for you?

Did you email BIL and SIL?

Have you tried talking to his mother again?

hang in there

I really need help from all out there! I just got a disturbing message from a friend (and co-worker of my husbands and OW).

He said the OW came up to him and asked him if anyone else in the office knew about the affair. She said people were avoiding her. He told her that one person in particular did know and that almost everyone in the office knew as well, including partners (they are CPA's - accounting firm). I asked him what her reaction was (this conversation took place through text messaging) and he said "upset".

I told him "Good, you should have told her to back off". Here's where the upsetting part comes in:

He texted me back and said "I think she has thought about it but my husband doesn't want to stop"

What do I do?!?!!?!? I'm devastated!!!!!!!!!!

Please help!!!!

Hey IP,

As many others have said, what you are going through is very “normal” for a BS. Many WS’s cake-eat, or go back and forth like yours is. I don’t know if this helps you or not, but the fact that you are not alone, and can rely on others to help guide you who have been where you are and have learned from it. You are in a great spot, more or less at the beginning of the end of the A and you found MB.

I can share where I was in your shoes about two years ago. I, like you, suspected something was up, I got the usual “I love you and care about you but I am not in love with you” speech, this happened at the beginning of the EA turning PA. The WS says this to justify/rationalize their behavior. I, like you, did a plan A without knowing what one was. I never knew what would trigger him leaving. He threaten to many, many times. He refused to work on the M or even discuss it, just list all my faults. I too made positive changes, he didn’t trust them, thought they were an act. Or he would say, too little too late, you are only doing this bc you don’t want me to leave. I was depressed, frustrated, angry, sad. I owned my part and bought into his side of me being the cause of most of the problems of the M and our children. I too felt so bad about myself, I believed his lies, that I didn’t think I deserved to live. I allowed my opinion about myself to match his, the fogged out WS. I didn’t know of any live as an adult outside our relationship, so I too felt I was nothing w/o him. In fact, I was nothing with him at the time. If it weren’t for a strong faith in God and my sons, I wouldn’t be writing this to you.

You recount how your WS didn’t have a relationship with your son, spent very little time with him. But you did and do, you prioritized your son’s needs as very important to you, which is what a good parent does. You need to stand up tall and be proud of what all you are doing, while the person you love is tearing you apart. You are a strong person, one that is loving towards your son. I plan A’d my WH to extreme, again not knowing the “rules” that it is a temp. state and then you flip to plan B. I was also like you, afraid if I insisted on what I needed, WH would be gone. Here is what that behavior did for me, caused an additional year of the A to continue. An additional year of grief, blow to my self esteem and an additional year of guilt. If I had only stood up for myself sooner, I would at least have that self-respect. We teach others how to treat us and I’m afraid you are teaching your WH it is ok to treat you poorly. It will continue until you draw a line and don’t allow it any longer. Your wh will not stop this on his own w/o you enforcing some ground rules. I am reading a book call “The Road Less Traveled”. In it the author states that when someone is as distraught at the idea of a relationship ending, this relationship may be more of dependency than love. I am trying to figure this out for my own situation.

IP, you can see how you have touched many people here, you are tapping into our past. Please listen to the others, expose, Plan A followed by Plan B. No one can make another person love them and you need to consider why you would settle for a husband that treats you so badly and is not there for your soon, (except more recently after the intervention).

Your WH is a classic cake-eater. You need to force his hand to choose. The fact that the OW has second thoughts means the exposure is working, keep up the heat! I know it is hard to hear that it is your WH that wants to keep the A going, please try not to dwell on that, it is fog.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

IP...You've Got Mail!

Mrs. W