In Pain,

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. My WW SWORE that my exposure killed any chance of us every getting back together again. She was FURIOUS! She yelled at me for hours! She still compains to me every time she sees me posting on MB. But you know what? FIVE DAYS LATER, she agreed to NC. He is pissed as ****** at you FOR RUINING HIS AFFAIR! It will never be the same now. I had the same fears as you in the days immediately following exposure. Don't get sucked into an argument with him. Just be calm and strong. If you say anything, just say, "I did what I had to do because I want to save our marriage and our family," and drop it. Just sit back and watch exposure do its magic. Keep us posted.

- Jim

Thank you to all who replied. I REALLY need all of you today. I am so crushed and so scared. I hear what you are all telling me, but I can't help but feel that I ruined everything.

The day has gotten worse. I got a very rude e-mail from my Mother-In-Law today. I thought I had a very good relationship with her. I thought my relationship with her was better than most mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. I copied and pasted it below:

_____________(in_pain) I want you to know first off, that ____________ (my son) is always welcomed in my home. He is the love of my life, and I still expect to see him and watch him on weekends. That will be up to you or, and I repeat OR _________________(H).
__________________(in_pain), you didn't quite lie to me, but you didn't disclose everything to me.As I understand, ___________________(H) gave you plenty of time and chances in the last two years, way before his "affair" started. I personally think the affair is the least of your worries.
Yes, _____________(H) is the son me and dad raised. We didn't raise him to be a doormat.I just want him to be happy.
I cannot help either one of you in this marriage. I don't think your mom or dad or all the other people you told. They don't know both sides of the true story.And who in their right mind would want to interfere in something so private.
______________________(in_pain), I personally don't get involved in other peoples lives. I learned that in al-anon.
My children are grown adults now. I can't teach or interfere in their lives anymore, but I can tell you this. When they hurt, I hurt.That never goes away. All I can do is hope they make the right decisions.That's called unconditional love.

I can't believe how rude she was. I can't believe she put the word affair in quotes. What the #$%$# is that supposed to mean?

I did write back to her:

I don't quite understand what you mean when you say, "as I understand, ______________(H) gave you plenty of time and chances in the last two years". In the last two years, I didn't know that my marriage was in trouble. Just last Christmas, he wanted to start trying for another baby in the summer. If someone said that to you, would you think your marriage was in trouble? That's just one example. He talked about us building a house, going on vacations, etc...He never gave me a clue in the last two years that our relationship could be in trouble. You obviously know more than I do. I would really like to know what you mean by that.

I also don't understand why you chose to put the word affair in quotes. Do you think it's not an affair? He admittedly has been sleeping with _________(OW) since June. I think that qualifies as an affair. If you think that's the LEAST of my worries, then, again, I would like you to explain that. An ongoing affair is a pretty big deal and I don't understand why you would say it was the least of my worries.

I'm sorry you feel that I treated ___________(H) like a doormat. Again, I would like you to elaborate. If you are going to point fingers and make accusations, I hope you have something to back that up. I never treated _____________(H) like a doormat.

________________(H) is not the person you raised. You hardly see him to know how much he has changed. Again, he admitted he changed. He admitted that he hasn't been the same person; he admitted that long ago - before the affair. That is what I meant by that. All of our friends have told me (even before this all came out) that they miss the old __________________(H). No one misses the old ______________(H) more than me.

You can support people without interfering in their lives. I love _______________(H) and I have no question about that. I think it's pretty sad that you could so easily turn your back on someone.

I would really like you to explain yourself further.

I haven't heard back from her yet.

I'm devastated. This is the last thing that I needed. Did anyone else experience their WS's family "ganging" up on them? Is is just me or she acting like I'm the bad person here?

in_pain you got to stop focusing on him and her and the affair you are going to drive yourself nuts. Part of this process is to make you stronger. You need to remember your not doing this for him, your doing this for you. Because you respect yourself because you have value. You don't want him back you want a marrigage that is stronger with both of you being stronger. When he throws out that babble which he sounds so much like others that it isn't funny that we call it a script because it is... You need to tell him you except the consequences of your actions and he needs to accept his. If that him gettin fired then its hist fault not yours.... you need to become strong from this. You don't want him back you want some better back.. I am not going to say it doesn't hurt, it does, but it part of the process

please stay calm and brush what he says to you off.

This is TYPICAL WS's parent bullcrap. This has happened to most if not all BS's. Don't sweat it. It is likely that you will not get any support (at least not any you know about) from WS's family. Part of the reason your WH is like he is is due to parent's coddling ("I just want him to be happy", my azz...), enabling, co-dependent treatment by parents. Why expect anything different now.

They are acting just like my EX WW's parents acted (these same people, particularly her dad said I was more of a son to him than his own son until WW had her affair and I was forced to take her to court for custody). After this I was the enemy (not her, but me). On the other hand my parents would have kicked me to the curb and allowed my EX WW to come into the family home, helped with babysitting, financially and more if it had been me having an affair. This is just how different people are.

Nothing earth shattering here

Don't argue with his family. Just let them know you are doing what you are doing because you love your husband and are trying to keep your family together. Any help or support from them is welcomed. A lot of parents act in this way. That is why the WS feels entitled to their affair. They never got a strong moral upbringing. Don't worry about it. It obviously won't be your WH's parents that are putting the pressure on him to end the affair. I think your best bet is your WH's boss and the OW's family (if they are better parents then you WH's). Are you on AD's. They really helped me in this situation. Lexapro is what I would recommend. Just calm down, sit back, and watch the affair implode on itself. You did your job, now let the exposure do its job. You'll be alright. Give it a week to see the affair starting to crumble.

- Jim

In laws can be real a-holes in these situations. Blood is thicker than water and shame on them for not stepping up and doing the right thing.
As far as her threats about your son... what the f was that all about. That kid will see them when you want them to... not when she feels she should see her grand child. Was she responding to something you said about her not seeing the child. I can tell you that my son no longer sees his moms parents because of their response to what went on. What is she talking about there.... " I still expect to see him and watch him on weekends. That will be up to you or, and I repeat OR _________________(H)."

Also,

Don't count them out...yet.

SOME inlaws have to process things too...they come around to full and/or meaningful support in time.

SOME inlaws stand by their kids publicly (to you) but still behind the scenes apply pressure...privately.

You can't control them...just hope and pray decency shows up at some point in time.

Mr. Wondering

(((((i_p))))....

So sorry sorry you are hurting and scared right now...it's a terrible feeling.

BUT!!! Like everyone else here has said, you did a GREAT job at exposing ~ they are both miserable at work now that they know EVERYONE knows. Good job. Part of the "fun" of affairs is the secrecy, the little "secrets" between them, etc...now those are gone. Affairs thrive in darkness, and bust apart when exposed to the light of day (my H's affair ended the DAY I found out ~ the minute it was "exposed" ~ he suddenly saw how ugly and disgusting and WRONG it was. Just takes some longer to see that than others).

I know you are really worried about how to act when/if you see him tomorrow. I'm gonna give you some practical advice, ok?

ACT LIKE YOU ARE JUST FINE ~ STRONG AND TALL AND PROUD. YOU are working on saving your marriage ~ DO NOT BE A DOORMAT!!! Absolutely no begging, crying or groveling ~ NONE. That would be a huge LBer; you want him to RESPECT you ~ to see a quiet resolve to do the right thing. Clean your house, fix yourself up, decorate for Christmas, do some baking...anything to just show him that your not just sitting around crying and fretting and waiting for him to grace you with his presence). Show him that you are going on with your life, whether he is there or not ~ see, what you wanna show him is that YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. This is very appealing to WSs...in the back of his mind, he is going to start thinking "Oh, cr**. What have I done? My relationship with OW is on it's way out, and now my wife may be too...". Even if the A relationship isn't over YET, when he sees you moving on, or "announcing" through your actions that you're gonna be fine either way, he's going to feel "stuck" with OW ~ someone who he probably doesn't REALLY want to be stuck with. (Most people choose affair partners who they never would have chosen in the "real" world ~ the fantasy is what attracts them to OP ~ and now they're nice little fantasy has been shot to he**. He's going to start seeing her for who she really is real quickly here).

Try to be at least kind of cheerful when you see him...if he says anything, like everyone has said, just keep repeating "H, I am doing everything I can to save this marriage. And in a marriage, there is room for 2, not 3. I'm fighting for our family, and I will continue to do so." If he says well, too bad, you've ruined everything, like someone else said, just repeat "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just trying to keep our family together."

It might be hard....just stay strong. Come back here for guidance. NO LBing, NO groveling, NO begging. Besides Harley's books, I also highly suggest you read "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson. It will give you a ton of hope, and explain WHY begging, crying and groveling will RUIN your chances of repairing this.

Keep us posted!

~MF

OW: (crying) Oh my god -- i can't believe what your WIFE did...she got someone to destroy my office and leave flyers all over the office! What a ()@#*%&)(*. How can you live with her? She is a )@#($*)@#(*%.

WH: hey, we don't know for sure who did it. She's upset you can't really blame her.

OW: oh yeah? what about her calling my parents? Can't you stop her? )@#(*$)#($* Don't you have any control?

WH: no, how can I control her?

OW: well you better! What if one of us gets fired for this? OMG! If I lose my job, what am I gonna do?

WH: (getting stressed) don't worry. that won't happen. (secretly worried about losing job but not being honest with OW.)

OW: ()#*$)#(*$ MAKE HER STOP!

WH: what am I supposed to do?

OW: well if one of us is getting fired, it better not be me.

WH: Oh, so it would be better for me to lose my job? I have a family to support.

OW: OH -- so your family is more important? What about me? I thought I was the most important to you?

WH: thats not what I meant....

And the fighting continues......

GOOD JOB IP!!!!!! I have been reading your thread and I am very very very proud of you....I just wish I could do that but my WH is 7000 miles away and it would be really hard to get into Iraq...but good for you...you did the right thing...focus on you and your son now...his anger will die down....don't you give into him and allow him to browbeat you!!!! Stand and stay strong....keep that head up and be proud.....

You did the right thing!

You were brave and honorable!

Don't let anyone try to take that away from you.

And I want to echo what Mr. W said...don't count your MIL out yet.

The louder the protests against you, the more effective the exposure was.

Try to look at it like that.

~ Marsh

Again, your in-laws are following the script. It is very, very common for the WS's family to turn against the BS. We have seen it countless times here. My husband's parents are long deceased but his older sister, now the matriach of the family, angrily told me over the phone that she did not want to hear ANYTHING from me and insisted she wanted "her brother" to Move On And Be Happy. I told her I thought she would want to help (my son's) family to stay together but I saw that I was wrong. I thanked her for her honesty, asked her rhetorically if she knew the extent of her brother's lies and girlfriends, and hung up.

It stinks, but it's very very common. Parents and family members will support their own little darlings no matter how rotten their behaviour. Sometimes it seems that the worse the family member has behaved, the more they have to blame the BS, because otherwise they'd have to acknowledge that one of their own is a lying cheating homewrecker. You think they want to go there? It's MUCH easier for them to blame you.

Don't ever forget that.

Hang in there. You are being called on to show your true colors right now. Your H and his family are sure showing theirs, aren't they?
Mulan

P.S. Loved Lexxxy's last post. Don't ever think all is great in AffairLand just because there's trouble at home. She hit it right on the head.

Yeah, that's called unconditional love.

Now, TEACHING them what the right decision IS... that's called "being a good parent".

In laws can be total creeps! I am glad you wrote back and told her to explain herself and back up her allegations!

My in-laws developed a relationship with OW (who was pregnant with H baby) and the three of them put tremendous pressure on my H to leave me and our children............even before I knew about the affair! His parents threatened to disown him and never see him again if he didn't divorce me.

He didn't leave me and they did disown him. They told OW they would give her any inheritance they would have given H. They wrote him a cruel, horrible good-bye for ever letter that started out "LBelle has destroyed our family"! It had become MY fault that they couldn't make him do what they wanted.

They never spoke to me or my children during the duration of the affair after d-day and totally turned their backs on me after 20 years and I had cancer, too at that time. What kind of people are these? I count myself lucky that I never have to see them again. They came back, by the way, and are now speaking to H and act like nothing ever happened and they did nothing to anyone.

You are doing SO well with your exposure! I wish I could be there and give your H an earful of what he is doing. Don't fall for his manipulation of you and him trying to make you the bad guy/trouble maker. Sounds like he learned this from his parents.

Stay strong. Keep your boundaries. As hard as it is, you have to keep going and try to get the affair to stop. If he won't stop, you don't want to stay married and living with a wayward spouse! The damage he has been doing to you is awful. Don't be scared of losing a cheating spouse. You deserve to be treated with respect, love and caring. Not contempt, disrespect and verbal abuse.

Stand up! You are 100% in the right and he is 100% wrong!! No matter what he says about your marriage in the prior years. Do not take blame for his affair. He did that, not you. Nothing you could have possible done could compare with the cruelty of an affair and the lying that goes with. Nothing!

Hang in there. You are going to be okay. Three (or more) in a marriage doesn't work! There is only room for two.

I'm so PROUD of you. You went through the first battle in the war with flying colors!

Remember that this is a war.

I will add "you disgust me" to my list of things WS's say after exposure. But follow Ark's advice. She is an expert. What you want to do as much as humanly possible is stay COMPLETELY out of things between OW and WH.

I went crazy and did some wild stuff - it just prolonged the affair. Just be yourself, the faithful wife, fighting for your family. The two of them will turn on each other. It is just a matter of time.

As far as the MIL - TYPICAL, TYPICAL, TYPICAL ..... (YAWN)

Hey Just checking on you.

Thank you all so much for your replies!! They helped me calm down a little bit.

Here's an update...Friday morning he left and I assumed he went back to his brothers house to hang out that night like he said he was going to do. He ended up coming home at 1:40 in the morning!!!!!!! I'm sure he was with the OW. I just pretended to sleep. I was so upset. I laid there and wondered what they were doing. I did go by her apartment at some point that night, around 8:30 or 9:00, I guess. I went by there because I had a gut feeling. The good news - his car was not there. The bad news - neither was hers. But, overall that was good news. At least they weren't in her apartment. So, I was hoping he was with his brother. Well, he wasn't.

Saturday, he got up (around 10:30 or 11:00, not unusual) and he talked to me like nothing happened Friday morning. He went to Dunkin Donuts and asked if I wanted anything. He came back and he asked if we were still going to take our son to the mall to see Santa. So, we got ready and went to see Santa. We stayed at the mall for a little bit and then went home.

While we were at the mall, he seemed sad and quiet. He was probably still mad, I guess. I don't know. I can't read him anymore. He certainly wasn't talkative. We sat and ate soft pretzels and he just stared.

I'm hoping that meant that things are not good in affairland! That's all I hope and pray for.

Anyway, he asked me if I had any plans for Saturday night and I said "no". I asked why and he said that he was probably going to go back home that night (to his moms or brothers).

So, when we got home from the mall he stayed for a little while and then he left. He left around 8:30, I guess.

I know he was at his mom's house because my Dad told me he saw his car there this morning. My H also told me yesterday that he was going to go into work today too, so he could be there for all I know. He's still not home yet. He's also leaving tonight until Thursday; he's going out of town for work.

I'm hoping he's not with the OW, obviously. But, I'm hoping he's not still with his Mom. I am so scared that she is going to talk him into leaving me. I can't believe I am saying that because I always thought I had a really good relationship with her. I'm so worried about what she would be telling him. I just feel like I made such a mistake in telling my Mother-In-Law, Brother-In-Law and Sister-In-Law. I'm just hurt. I can't believe she said those things to me. The last thing I need right now is to be hurt by her.

I don't know where the comment came from about our son either. I never said anything to her about not seeing our son or anything. I don't know what she's thinking. Another thing my husband said yesterday is that his mom wanted to watch our son next weekend. She has NEVER asked for him. She always came to our house to see him on Sundays or we asked her to watch him. She has never asked to have him, so I don't know what she's doing. I told him she could have him for one night, but not two. I asked him if he was going to stay there too or come back home and he said he didn't know. I hope I can talk him into staying here and we could have a night together - alone. I won't see him all week. I'm not getting my hopes up on that though.

I do have an important question to ask all of you. I started reading "Surviving an Affair" I read up to the chapter on reconciling the marriage so far. Do you think I should give it to my husband to read? As I was reading it, I thought, this would be good for him to know, but then I would change my mind and go back and forth. Should he know about Plan A and Plan B, etc...? For the most part, I think it would be good for him to read. I was thinking about giving it to him tonight to take out of town with him. Maybe he would have time to read in the night. Do you think that's a good idea? He doesn't like to read, so I don't know if he would read it or not. He's not open to many things these days, especially since exposure happened. I think he's still pretty angry. What do you all think? Should I suggest it to him? Should he read it?

Thank you all for your help. I just hope this works.

Glad to see that you are doing okay. Don't give him the book to read. Wait until there is no contact with the OW. You are very early after exposure. Give it some time, and hang in there.

I'm not sure you should trust your MIL with your son, especially since this is such an aberration from her normal routine. It just makes me nervous. Could your husband be planning to leave you and take his son with him? I know it's farfetched, and I hope I'm totally off base.

Thanks believer. I wondered if it was too early. I was just wondering if it would help sort out his feelings. I'll take your advice and wait. Hopefully, I'll be able to share it with him soon.

Fiatflux: I hope you're off base with that too. I don't think I have to worry about it. He just came I have to go.