When my H was in the midst of A or even contact w/ OW...he wanted nothing from me. He didn't want to be seen in public w/ me. He barely talked to me...his eyes were dead and he treated me like a piece of furniture. He noticed the changes I made in plan A he just didn't believe they were sincere.

My best advice for plan A is don't jump at his every whim. Don't push affection (which was very hard for me)I was use to the daily kiss and hug. When I asked for a hug it was a halfhearted one armed hug...which felt like more rejection then no hug at all.

He is a least talking to you. Keep the conversation light, but flirty at times.Compliment him in small doses."That shirt looks nice on you." Ask him out if he doesn't go you should still go. If he is late for dinner eat without him. Put music on, play w/ your son, take care of yourself. If you do not value yourself he won't value you either. (lesson I learned)


I'll try to keep up and chime in now and then. Hang in there this will get better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This A/talking with OW won't last - it can't you destroyed their fantasy world.

InPain - my wife told me yestday that because the OM has never called to tell me (M2L) sorry that she feels like he is still living in a (GET THIS) FANTASY WORLD. Her words have echoed so many peoples here it's scary!!!

My wife told me "we are over, done, never to be and M2L you don't get it we are done for good." Now she doesn't want to hear those words.

M2L: Thank you so much for posting to me. I sure hope you are right. I hope this A will end. It scares me because they were friends before all this happened and it just seems like they are getting closer and closer.

What made your W so angry at the OM? I noticed those statements on your thread too. What made her have change of heart about him? Did she ever tell you?

**** TIME & NO CONTACT. When I found out about the EA I called OMW and we meet for lunch. Said we would call each other IF we found contact. After time went by my wife started to look back at him and the things he did (he is a DR. BTW so i felt like I was up against a lot) and she saw he was in a way nuts. The things he said and did. This is coming from my wife who told me "M2L, I fell in love with another man and I'm sorry, but we are done." OK we will see about that. Plan A- Plan A- Plan A*******


I really hope my H will realize what he is walking out on. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my M work. I love him so much.


**** Good you are in the right mind set to start with *****


I also read in your thread that you were ready to go on living without your wife. I am nowhere near that point. I
am still feeling like I can't live without him. I just don't know what I'll do if he leaves. I really think that will be it for us. I'm so terrified. I'm trying to stay strong, but I don't feel strong at all.

**** I felt like you do for the first 5-6 months, but while I was feeling like that I was bettering me in Plan A. At a point I think all BS come to feel like they can live without the WS, but they have to come to that point on their own and on their own time line.*******

I really want to reach out to him some how.

IP,

I have a couple of points for you.

First, don't send him that email. That comes across as begging. That is not part of plan A. He knows you are trying to save the marriage. He knows all of what you put on the email. You will just push him away more.

Secondly, I think this affair is in death throws right now. Your exposure to OW's parents seems to have struck a chord. Otherwise, you WH wouldn't complain about it so much. The OW might move now because of the pressure you put on the affair. He feels like he is losing her, and he is taking it out on you. I'm sure he is moving out to show her, "see, it's over between me and IP, we can still be "friends," please don't leave." He wants to keep both. Right now you are a "sure thing" and he is losing the OW. Don't be such a "sure thing" (like sending the email) and he might be afraid to lose you as well. Just act like you are moving on with your life with or without him.

THE MORE THE WS THROWS A FIT AND MAKES THREATS, THE MORE EFFECTIVE EXPOSURE WAS AT ENDING THE AFFAIR. THE LOUDER THE WS GETS, THE CLOSER TO THE END OF THE AFFAIR!

You are winning the war, IP. Keep the faith.

If we do manage to save our marriage, all of you are invited to a great big party when we renew our wedding vows.

Based on you saying you got physical with a male friend 7 years ago, I am confused by this statement. You also have waited a long time before exposing this here and seem to downplay its significance. What did you do with this "friend?" Do you EVER have any communication with this "friend?" Have you been 100% honest with your husband about your actions?

There are a lot of questions to be answered about your past acts that will make giving you advice as to how to proceed that much easier.

She has the opportunity to learn a lot about marriage, forgiveness, and trust if she thinks about her own past in the context of her husband's present affair.

First, another NO WAY!! on that note. For crying out loud that's not going to do anything but convince him he's in the right, while you bend over.

Begging is not attractive ever.

Second, if this was due to what you did back then, he sure waited too long to act on it. I'm not buying. He's justifying and you're allowing it.

He loved you enough to continue in the marriage for YEARS and even have a child with you, after that episode. All tells me it may have contributed to the poor state of your marriage but did not give him a valid reason to enter into the Affair.

Turn the tables like this: I know that you forgave me and stayed with me and we continued our marriage after that horrible mistake I made, and I'm willing to do the same for you now.

IP STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM! It's not necessary and it will hurt your cause. You have years of good behavior after what you did. Count on that, because it Does Count!

PLAN A! PLAN A! PLAN A!

That means quit begging, adopt a cheerful demeanor, be a beautiful good wife, be a Lighthouse! Somewhere around here is a list of good concrete examples of behaviors that will help, like "Don't wallow in your pain, Exercise, Pamper yourself, Get out and have fun..." something like that. Does anyone have that list?


I cannot agree more!

What I did 7 years ago still did not give him the right to sleep with a friend of ours and continue his relationship with her

I just wanted to point out that whatever you did before with this OM 7 years ago doesn't justify what he is (and has been) doing to you for quite awhile. I know finding this out for your H was very painful......we all know that. But the cruel way your H has been treating you, on TOP of his relationship with OW is beyond justification. Don't keep pointing out how much pain you caused him and taking blame for how he is treating you now.

I am generally a big blame taker (working on that!) and I think I know how you feel, but it doesn't mean anything to your H! It didn't to mine either. He wasn't really even thinking about me. He was thinking about himself and OW's feelings, even when he had decided to stay with me.....her feelings came first for a long time. He is NOT hearing you, so don't degrade yourself and take responsibility for things that are not yours to take. I still cringe and some of the things I said/did to try and please my unpleasable H when he was still fence sitting.

*******You are right, he does seem to think about her feelings all the time. He definitely cares about her feelings more than mine. He is SO worried about her getting hurt and other people not being her friend and her being alone. He actually said to me "well, everyone is on your side, OW has no one and I refuse to abandon her". That was so hurtful. It's like he doesn't even acknowledge the pain I am feeling. He doesn't care how much it hurts me when he leaves his family early over Thanksgiving so he could go "hang out" with the OW. He just doesn't care how much he hurts me, but God forbid anyone say or do anything negative to her!! What made your husband feel differently? What made him care about your feelings again. Just Plan A? ***************************

If he was thinking about your son and his well-being, at all, he would be home WORKING on his marriage........not just taking up space and hurting you with his cruel words. He is only thinking about himself.

**************That's what I'm confused about. He says he has only stayed here because of our son, but he has stayed here and has done nothing to help the marriage. He still blatantly "hangs out" with her and communicates with her. I don't understand.***********************

Keep doing plan A for a little while longer, but not crawling and giving away your dignity. I know you want to save your marriage and it is possible.

*********I hope it's possible. **************

But you can't make him want the marriage. He has to be wanting it too, or recovery (false) will be so painful and damaging for you. I don't think you will really want a man that you have to make be in the marriage. You will never be able to trust him and it is so bad for your self-esteem to have a "pity husband". You deserve someone who WANTS to be there. We all do.

You have done so well to stand up to him so far. I know that is hard because it seems like it will push him away. But you must continue and stand up for yourself and your son. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

***********It is so hard. When he tells me that all of this has brought him and the OW closer, it just makes me sick. I feel like I've done so many things wrong; I feel like I am pushing him away. It's so scary. It's hard for me to trust in what I am doing is right.************

Hang in there! This is a very hard phase.

Do you live somewhere where it is nice and sunny, and is the trip on you?

He has tried to blame everything on me. Nothing is his fault in his eyes. And the OW certainly did no wrong. I'm always the bad person. This did come up in counseling a little bit. The counselor said that we just never dealt with what happened 7 years ago. She said it was like a big elephant in the living room and we just danced around it and tried to avoid it.

I live in Pennsylvania. Nothing tropical at all.

Of course not!! I'm glad you realize this. He has complete ownership over his affair- it is absolutely 100% his fault and it is his responsibility to end it and come back to your marriage. Like you did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The point I was trying to make is that you and he have a unique perspective on infidelity, because you have both felt the guilt of being wayward and the hurt of being betrayed. It can actually be an advantage to you if you are able to see the larger picture.

The key is empathy. You have been in your husband's shoes, and he has been in yours. It is a window into his mind that few betrayed spouses get to see. So rather than ignoring what happened 7 years ago, I'd encourage you to examine it and perhaps apply what you learned to the current situation.

I know we are all on your side!! You're a lot stronger than you realize. I can see it, and so can everyone else. That's why you're getting so much support. You can do this!