BTW, I don't like the title of your thread. You need to change it.

On the other hand, look at my thread. I recently updated it. My W is still wayward, but look at the difference in my reaction from the first time that I caught her buying a calling card to me suspecting that she has bought a calling card this week (pages 11 and 12). My current attitude is the attitude you need to take with your situation. Your WHs affair is on its last legs and he is lashing out and getting desparate to save it. Just keep plan Aing and get ready for plan B if necessary.

ChaCha:

At least I'm not alone in wanting to reach out to him. I just don't even know what I'm going to say to him tonight. Do you have any suggestions? I honestly don't even know how to act after last night. ????? It's going to be really hard to be upbeat, that I can say, but I don't even know what type of conversation to have with him.

We're actually not in MC. I am going to IC counseling and I really like the counselor. We went to MC back in June when he was still denying everything. I forced him to go and it turned out that we got a really bad counselor, so that just made his idea of counselors worse. After one of our conversations after I found out about the A, he agreed he needed counseling. He really became a different person when his Dad died suddenly and I think that had a lot to do with this happening. He never dealt with his Dad's death. He needs counseling for that for sure. He wanted to go to the counselor for that and to also try and figure out what he wants. We went to one session together and our counselor said that we don't qualify for her program of MC because 1)he doesn't know if he even wants to be in the M adn 2 - the big one) he won't stop having contact with the OW. My counselor said that is absolutely necessary as well. I mean, it's only common sense really.

I like the idea of the journal. I think maybe I'll do that. I just feel at such a loss sometimes. I want to reach out to him. Wow, so your husband said some very hurtful things too. I hope my husband comes around. That's all I'm hoping and praying for.

I did call the OW's parents and I did expose to everyone I can think of. I called the OW's parents the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I also have a letter written to them along with e-mails her and I exchanged and also the nasty text messages she wrote (they're in my thread). Do you think I should still send that after last night? I had every intention of sending it, but now I'm scared again. Do you think it's silly to send it after so much time has passed and after he already blew up with me about it? It just feels wrong after what happened last night. I know I need to ignore what he says, but it's so hard. He looks at me with such hurt and anger. I hate the way he looks at me. It kills me.

I live about 2 1/2 to 3 hours away from Philadelphia.

I can't believe I forgot to mention this:

He started the conversation last night by telling me what he was planning this weekend. He said he was going to go "hang out" with the OW on Saturday and then possibly go back to his Mom's house (about an hour and 10 minutes from our house). That's when he said he wasn't going to help me decorate, etc...What am I supposed to say to that!?!?!?!? He knows how much it hurts me, but he tells me like it's no big deal at all.

He also said another reason why he was staying here is because he was afraid of everyone finding out. He said since everyone knows now, he doesn't have to worry about that and he could leave. Part of that was to protect the OW's reputation I'm sure. He didn't want to hurt her by people finding out because she had such a good reputation before all of this. She was little miss goody two shoes!!! The funny part is, I wasn't even the one that told everyone in his office. They knew for a long time, he just didn't know it. I don't know how they all found out honestly, but I'm glad they did.

How am I supposed to handle tonight?

Write a Plan B letter and change the locks...IMHO...but I don't think YOU are ready for that yet...

Classic cake eater...I'm SOOO sorry that you are hurting...

Does OW belong to a church?

~ Marsh

This is Passive/Aggressive emotional abuse. That's all. He says and does stuff like this to keep you angry, helpless, raging, and on your knees. And it works, too, doesn't it?


Please don't fall for this. It's just another lie to try to make YOU take responsibility for his cruelty and emotional abuse.


Well, I personally would borrow the horse castration tools from my veterinarian and -- no, scratch that. It's not officially recognized by MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think I'd spend it getting everything ready for Plan B and having as little contact with this bullying abuser as possible.
Mulan

I agree.

IP, we know you love your H, but the man who told you he was gonna hang out w/ his OW, is not your H...he is a cruel WH.

You don't want him do you?

Going to PLan B would rock his world.

He expects to keep you paralyzed w/ fear.

Then he can do as he pleases KNOWING you are sitting at home waiting for him.

Throw a monkey wrench into his world by going dark and it'll clear away most of that fog.

Pio posted this to someone in a smilar sitch as you...



~ Marsh

I agree with Rinder,

A dark plan B. Do you know what cake eating is? Your H is getting some of his needs filled by you and some by the OW. If you no longer talk to your H then the OW would have to be all things all the time for him. SHE CAN'T DO IT, she is not his wife - you are.

M2L

The fact that you never had intercourse with anyone else is most likely one of the things that hurt your H so badly. And really, there are a lot of different types of sex... and some of them are a heck of a lot more "intimate" than intercourse.
I was very supportive of you earlier int his thread... but I think you are doing your H a HUGE disservice by dismissing his feelings concerning your affair 7 years ago. Your self hatred is all about you... but it really means nothing to him. Perhaps your actions did not cause him to immediately lose a closeness to you... but if the feelings were never dealt with, this cancer would just continue to spread. Everyone here is so quick to dismiss that he may in fact be telling the truth and really doesn't want to be with you or feel close to you because of your affair. I am not surprised that you were shocked that he wasn't over that... because it happened to him. There are many FWS here that are shocked to learn their spouses still have terrible feelings about an affair. IP, you are a FWW...you have a perspective here that can help your H... but you better wake up to the reality of the situation pretty quickly. I am known here for slamming WS... and your husband is a WS.... but I can tell you that unless you two addressed your actions in a healthy way years ago, I would bet they are playing a big part in what is happening now. Your H may feel entitled to have had his A... he is wrong and I do not condone it. He may also feel entitled to leave you because of his feelings surrounding that... that is his choice to make. But unless you know that you both dealt with your A in a healthy matter, rather than just having time give a dullness to the feelings, I would suggest that you and your H need a heart to heart discussion before implementing any plan B.
Also, someone here suggested that you change the locks on your house. If you two own it jointly, that would be a big mistake as he has a legal right to come and go as he pleases until the courts say otherwise.



Perhaps you are right and perhaps you are wrong. Maybe he never found the strength to heal... maybe he didn't have a wife that was helping him heal (due to not knowing how) and maybe it just took this long for it to finally hit him that he no longer wants to be married to someone that could do those things. Some people... and hopefully your H is not one of them... do not recover from an A. You would like it if the decision was made in your time frame.. but your H has his own feelings and I suspect that if he came here it would be a lot easier to get to the bottom of what he is feeling right now.

First of all You need to Learn about Reverse BABBLE TALK. Orchid is the pro.

You need to stop talking RELATIONSHIP talk with him now. He can't hear you? He's Mentally Ill - You'll learn much more about this later but affairs actually have a physiological affect that makes the brain manufacture natural narcotics - he's under the influence of drugs.

Believe me you cannot REASON with someone on drugs or mentally ill. You're wasting your time and effort and just hurting yourself by trying.

When he says "I'm going to hang out with OW and then to his mom's.

Smile and say, Thanks for letting me know. Then change the subject to something small-talkish and pleasant.


You need to react like it's no big deal at all. He's running to her telling her what a wetblanket bring-down his wife is, (or if not he's comparing it in his mind) and she is going to be all happy to see him.

Not only that but he's BABBLING. This is simply nonsense. He can't even think straight right now. My husband says he can't even understand what the heck he was thinking!

My husband told me the biggest attraction to the ugly MOW was how her eyes lit up when she saw him. You need to fight fire with fire. You be fun and pleasant to be around and talk about the funny things the kids did.

[color:"red"]Orchid has said: "U R trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. That is what the WS is a turnip. NO heart and not feelings. Notice how it is all about him and his feelings instead of u and your family. That is why you need to NOT discuss these things with him."[/color]


Why is it even good for you and the children for a WS to be in the home? While he's carrying on the affair he doesn't deserve to live in the home with your children. I would ignore that if I didn't say the obvious: "Yes the Truth is now out."

For tonight I strongly suggest you brush up on Reverse Babble!
Orchid's guide to Reverse Babble

Edited Dec 15 at around 5am:
I stronly suggest you read all the way to the end of your thread before replying anymore. Orchid has posted to you herself.

MEDC,

Is there a different strategy for dealing w/ a WS who was once a BS, than there is for one who wasn't?

~ Marsh

Yes, I would say there is. It's called understanding your spouse.... but then again, I think that fits into the main MB strategy.

A spouse in an active affair is not to be understood.

During Recovery it will matter.

Really... take a look at your own signature line...

RESENTMENT KILLS MARRIAGES.

If she plan B's him and he is resenting her for what she did... she may lose him forever.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You just answered my question w/ a yes AND a no.

Would it be fair to restate your position THIS way?..

There isn't a different strategy, just different elements that need to be considered in recovering the M.

..just as there are different elements that need to be considered in EVERY M recovery.


~ Marsh

that would be fair... but I answered that way on purpose.... I think we should always try and understand our partner... wayward or not... and because IP is a FWS, she is in the unique position of saying if their recovery was handled in a way that allowed for some true healing (which is doubtful).

Almost every WS has resentments built up against a BS.

What makes the resentment from an A any different from any other type of resentment?

Are you suggesting Plan B should only be recommended for those who have cheating spouses who aren't resentful?

~ Marsh

no.

What makes the resentment from an A any different from any other type of resentment?


A lot. It is the greatest betrayal possible. IMHO.