I think MEDC is right, but OW needs to be out of the picture to work on these issues.

Check with your counselor to make sure your husband went to the "Healing Weekend". Make certain it wasn't a "Rutting Weekend" with OW.

You are not alone. And IP... this is about your strength now. It's time to start worrying about making your life better... not fixing your H. You can survive anything... all of us here have. Tomorrow can be such a better day if you just take control of what you can. Be strong right now.... it is in you to make it through this.



This may be true... it may be false. But there is hope for you no matter the outcome of his decisions. You value is not tied to his being your H. You are a valuable person.


No... this is not the case. First of all... you can handle this. We all have here. There are experinces on these boards that would curl your toes... but people made it through. This is not the fault of what you did... it is his inability to process this and to be the man he should be today. You are taking everything on yourself as though you are the center of the universe. What can you NOW change about what happened years ago? Nothing. What can he change now? Everything. You are not the one driving this bus off the cliff.

If you are in as bad a place as you say... please seek out professional help today... on an emergency basis. YOU have tied up too much of your self worth in your husband. And frankly... he is not mature enough or capable enough to carry his own self worth right now... let alone yours too.

This is about you now IP. You need to make a decision as to what type of person you want to be. Moving forward... you can be strong and KNOW your value. It is a choice. Seek out Pep and Mimi. They both get on my nerves at times... but they KNOW who they are and will steer you straight. Listen to all the voices here... we have been through this and there is much to learn from our words.

DO NOT GIVE UP AND LET HIM OR THE HO WIN THIS.

CALL 911 IF YOU ARE IN A REALLY BAD SPOT.

Be well... find peace.

IP,
please do what I have been begging you to do offline. Go into plan B. I Know you were ready and when he said he was going to work on it, I told you to wait. But, the day he said he was uncertain, I told you to go on and do it. I seriously do not think you can wait any longer to do it.

I think you need to call Steve Harley. Tell him exactly how frantic you are. I know he often recommends holding off on Plan B til you can not do Plan A anymore- tell him you can not do Plan A any longer.

If money is an issue, call the Radio show. I know they were not taking new calls for a while, but they are now.

You have to focus on you and your son.

His pain...is HIS pain. You can do only one thing and you are doing it! Be there for him. See... he is responsible for how he is handling himslef right now. It doesn't matter that he THINKS he has a reason to act the way he has. He doesn't.... not now... not ever!

Just because he is in pain does not mean that he needs to act this way. No marriage could ever recover if everyone acted as your H has. HE HAS NO JUSTIFICATION for his actions. Let him know that you are willing to work on things... that youunderstand his hurt from years ago and offer to start coaching with the Harley's immediately. All you can do is be genuine and loving.... YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM ACCEPT IT!

IP... I worry about you... not because of suicide (only you control that and I truly hope you make some decisions to protect yourself)... but because you have wrapped up your entire sense of self worth in your H and your M. That is not okay.

I would be willing to speak to your H if he will call me or email me. But the best thing I would suggets is for you to call SH today... and if you are not in IC... please make that call today as well.

I will pray for you.

If money is an issue, please email me.

In Pain,

This may sound harsh, but I'm saying it to try to reach you. You simply must not take responsibility for his A and his moving out, those are his choices. From what I've read here, begging and reasoning don't work with WH's, so it is better for you not to have more conversations like you had last night. (I didn't find MB for quite awhile, I begged and reasoned, it had no affect, FWH and OW actually laughed at my efforts. :-( ) You do have to take responsibility for yourself. You have been in a panic for quite sometime. Please make an appt. for a IC, call the Harleys, get on AD's/anti-anxiety medicine, do things for yourself to reduce the stress in your life. You are a mom, you have to hold yourself together and walk out the other side of this with your head held high. You need to be calm for your little one's sake.

I think you need to take the focus off of WH and the A and the M and put it on yourself, after all that is all you can control. Please take a deep breath, call a professional first, make those appointments, then call a friend or relative. You can make it through, we are here for you, but you also have to help yourself. I am saying this bc I've been where you are, I've been in a panic. I was on AD's and went to IC, I also calmed down, not perfect by any stretch, have more calming down to do! It can be done, I've done it, you can too, you are strong!

<<in pain>>

My H knows he did a lot of stupid things over the past 9 months. He knows the A was wrong and stupid. He said that last night.

He has said all along that the OW was not the issue. "She is not the problem". I have heard that so many times. He said our problems have nothing to do with her. He told me the reason he had the A was because he needed to see if he would feel quilty about doing that to me. He wanted to see if he would feel sad about it and sorry, but he didn't. He said he did it to see how he felt about me and our M. What I can't get him to understand is that he was already in an EA with this OW, so no he wouldn't feel sorry.

He said he started losing love for me around March 2006, which is when their EA started.

He doesn't see his A or the OW as an issue with our marriage because he said he should have ended our marriage 7 years ago.

The reason my M is ending is because of what I did. He never got over it. IT IS MY FAULT THAT MY MARRIAGE IS ENDING. I DID IT. I DESTROYED OUR LIVES.

If I hadn't done that, I never would have had to feel the pain of an affair. My husband and I would be happy.

I am on AD and I do go to counseling.

The reason I haven't called SH is because of money.

MEDC, I would love for you to talk to my H. I just don't know if he would be willing to. You have been right all along. What I did 7 years ago has really hurt him and it ate at him for so long.

Is there anything I can say to my H now?

If he leaves, it will be over. I just know it.

I did tell him that if he does move out that I won't have any contact with him and that all contact will have to go through someone else. He was okay with that.

I'm trying not to beg, plead and cry, but it's so hard. I can't help it. I feel so desparate and it hurts so much.

He will be moving into that apt right across the parking lot from that ho. He said his apt has 2 bedrooms. The OW's apt just has one, so it wouldn't surprise me if she was going to move in with him. He had all intentions on leaving last night. I don't know where he was going to sleep. I don't think his apt is furnished. Although, I could be wrong. Maybe he was going to stay at her apt. I don't know.

I just feel like I need to talk to him. What can I say?

IP... you are as others here have... only hearing 1/2 of my message. Your H has no right to do what he is doing. Yes, you hurt him 7 years ago... well... it happened... and NOW you are being a person willing to work on her M. Your H really has no right to treat you this way and hsi justifications for his affair are childish at best.

I need you to hear this... YOU are not responsible for the current state of your M. You both have ownership of that. But only one of you... YOU... are stepping up to the plate to make things right. Only one of you... YOU... are being mature and caring about your marriage vows TODAY!

Your H may very well want out of the M...that will be his decision.... but let me tell you... TODAY I would happliy call you friend because of the person you are right now.... he would NOT be welcome in my life until he changed his behavior.

IP... step back for a minute. You do not need to crucify yourself for what happened years ago. All you needed to do was recognize that it MAY play a role in his thinking... or justifications... AND AGAIN HIS THINKING IS OFF....You have done your part. It is up to him to be mature and a man and to realize that while he SAYS that the HO has nothing to do with this... his affections are diverted elsewhere and he cannot clearly see what he is doing to the marriage right now.
Please KNOW that you are not responsible for his behavior... no more than he was for yours in the past. You have grown up... he needs to do so now.

if money is the issue with SH... please email me at
baydog@zoominternet.net

No, you FEEL it. It is time to start separating the two things... that which you know and that which you feel.

Many here have been in your shoes and are now in recovery.

I would direct you to Amioks thread.

Moveforward seems to be giving oyu great advice. Plan B should start when you cannot Plan A any longer. I think it is safe to say that is where you are at right now.

i_P ~

I haven't been following your sitch much lately, but....I am so sorry. I know this sucks. Everyone here is telling you that you are going to be ok, but you don't believe it. You are hurting so badly, you CAN'T believe it. When you read that, you think "No I'm not going to be ok! And how does anyone KNOW I'm going to be ok. Because I sure as he** don't feel like I'm going to be."

I know, I've been there. When my FWH and I were dating, after 3 years and starting to talk seriously about getting married, one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me (ok, I know that dating someone and being married to them is not the same ~ but we were obviously so much in love that we later got married!) ~ anyways, we were broken up for a year ~ a whole stinking year! It was really bad at first ~ I lost about 15 pounds, dropped out of school, quit my job. I really felt like I couldn't go on. I GET IT!

That's when I read "Love Must Be Tough", by Dobson (I may have recommended it to you before, I can't remember). Anyways, that book changed EVERYTHING. Somehow I started to "get it"; in a much longer fashion, I finally told him "Look, I'm going to be fine with or without you; I'm a good person and people like to be around me. It's not going to be hard for me to find someone else. I am MOVING ON. I'm tired of waiting for you while you di** around with all this "I don't know what I want to do with my life" bullsh**. I KNOW what I want, and I'm going to find it. I hope it's with you, but if not, oh well, I'm going to be fine anyways".

I opened the trap door; he was free to go!! No strings attached, nothing. Well, a little less than a year later we were engaged.

Then this A happened. I plan A'd him for a long time while he was all fogged out. That was hard. Then one day, it hit me again. I was going to be OK whether we make it or not!! I have a lot of friends, and have made new ones. Other men have asked me out a number of times (lost my wedding ring on dday, they must've thought I was single!! I didn't go of course, but it sure is flattering!).

Read my post from Sept. titled "Wow, this feels GOOD!". That's when the "Love Must Be Tough" epiphany hit me again. I emailed my H and told him the same things I said above to him 14 or so years ago.

Because THIS IS HOW I REALLY FEEL!!! I was fine without him before, and I'd be fine without him now. Sure, I'd miss him, but I would find someone else and be ok.

i_P ~ "fake it till you make it", if you have to. OK? Because....

THIS IS VERY APPEALING TO WS'S!!!! Suddenly, when they think they might be stuck with OP, their spouse starts to look pretty good.

However, a GROVELING, PLEADING, BEGGING spouse does NOT look good; it's unflattering and THEY LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU.

DON'T DO IT!!!!

I think you need to go to Plan B.

Say "H, I can't take this anymore. I'm not a yo yo or a puppet. You can't keep jerking me around like this. I've had enough. You're right, you need to leave, the sooner the better. I need to move on. I would love to make our M work, but while you are still in contact with OW, and/or not sure what you want, it isn't going to work. I'm going to be fine either way, but right now I am not fine, this limboland is not working for me. You are my H and my first real love; I will always love you. I'm sorry it's not working out, but please don't worry about me. I'm going to be fine."

Release the cage door, in_pain!! It's your only chance!!!

Go get the book if you don't already have it. If you do, read it again, now, today.

Email me at marriedforever2006@yahoo.com if you need to talk, ok? Everyone else can help you with Plan B, all that stuff, but I can help you on the emotional level, this kind of stuff, if you want it.

Be strong, in_pain, it's your only chance!!! Fake it till you make it if you have to.

~MF

Great advice from MF... great.

Why thank you, medc! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

~MF

First of all, if you're in crisis and thinking of harming yourself please call 911.

Second of all, you're buying right into his logic for having the affair.

NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE JUSTIFIES WHAT HE HAS DONE.

The man stayed with you for all this time- it never became an issue to leave- until OW got in the picture??? That is what I take from your posts.

You both have to take ownership of the demise of the marriage but IMO he's using the only excuse he has- what you did seven years ago (and I don't know what it was) to do what he's doing now.

If that were really the justification for doing what he's doing he would have done it a long time ago!

((IP))))
You are getting some wonderful advice here...read it and read it again.

I know you feel like there is no hope right now. There is. I think MF said fake it until you make it. I know its hard to believe what we are telling you....its the opposite of what you want. I KNOW THIS MB STUFF WORKS!

Some of us have recovered our M, some have not, but we all found something very precious along the way...our own identity. You have lost yours as many of us did... you will find yourself. That is key. You are worth loving, and worth loving well. You need to start w/ yourself.>>>then your son.>>>then WH. Right now he is at the top of your priority list....he is not worthy of it. If at first you can't do what we ask for yourself do it for your son. The best gift you can ever give him is a confident/happy Mom.

I was so sure my M wouldn't recover. My WH had a very difficult time breaking contact w/ OW. He moved out last May, I had the divorce papers filled out, child support arrangements made, visitation schedule, lawyer on retainer. It wasn't until he actually moved out that we started to make progress on our M. He missed the family and eventually he realized he missed ME.

Let us help you come up w/ a plan. You have to stop spinning your wheels and reacting to the whims of WH and OW. If your CHEATING HUSBAND moves out that is actually a good thing.....we want your LOVING HUSBAND to live w/ your family.

Please re-read the posts you have gotten it seems like you are not really listening....which is pretty normal for someone you is a panic. Take a deep breath...repeat often...we WILL make it through this.

If you have time to check other threads check out Lilsis she is doing plan A w/ WH living out of the home....and doing it very well....drawing him closer.

This may seem crazy but...I dreaded the day my WH would leave. I thought once he was gone that would be it, care free, party all the time. I was relieved when he left its VERY difficult living on egg shells let alone walking on them. I could put on my plan A happy face when he was around and I could comfort myself and lick my wounds.

YOU NEED A PLAN FOR YOURSELF>>>>>>Let us help!

No No No!!!

in_pain, I also advised you to address this issue weeks ago but, like MEDC, I was silenced by other posters with a different opinion. I want to reiterate what I said earlier. The fact that you had an affair is actually a window into your husband's mind now. Use what you learned from your mistake. And take heart, because you know that you changed- therefore he can also change! See that, please. It will take a long time. THIS IS NOT OVER. Your marriage is NOT RUINED. Read the threads here. There are many instances where things turn around in situations like yours. Please don't give up. You are stronger than you realize. Get help and get calm- you can do this!

Praying for you-
~Saturn

It just seems so hopeless. He seems really sure that he wants to move out and he seems really sure that we are done - for good.

MB just doesn't seem to be working on him.

He said that the changes I made are good. He said living here has been pleasant. He said we make good friends, but we can't put love and affection into it. That's because he hasn't let me. He hasn't given love and affection a try since I've made changes.

Cha Cha: you said I need a plan. What should it be? Many have said to go into Plan B.

So, I go to Plan B when he moves out. I don't see him or talk to him, right? I just feel like doing that will make me lose all control. If I don't see him or talk to him, he is just going to go off and be with that HO and that will be it. He doesn't want to be with me.

He is hurting over what I did 7 years ago. It destroyed him and he can't get past it. He hasn't felt the same about me since then. He said the big mistake he made was staying with me. He said he should have left back then. He said he only stayed with me because he was scared to live alone. He said he's not scared anymore.

I just don't understand how he could say that the OW isn't a problem. I know she isn't the root of the problem with our M - what I did 7 years ago is the root of the problem. The only reason he gave up on me was because of the OW. He told me he wanted a divorce in May, which is when his EA was well underway with the OW and the PA was just about to begin. The PA started in June. He only came to me with wanting a divorce because he was having an affair.

So, was everything good in our relationship a lie the past 7 years? Were all the beautiful cards and the beautiful things he said to me a lie? The flowers, the thoughtful gifts, were they all lies? Just last year, he wanted to have another baby with me!!!!!!!!!!

I need answers. I really feel like I need to reach out to him. I really feel like sending him an e-mail.

The OW has sent him many e-mails telling him how she feels and it had an impact on him. What right does she have? He's my husband. He's a married man. She had no right to have him. He wasn't hers to have.

I can't stop crying. I can bearly see what I'm typing through my tears. I hurt so much.

So, Mimi:

How did you do it? How did you get your H to come back home to you? How did you handle your Plan B?