Hey SDguy,
how is your plan B going??? thinking of you, hope your doing ok!!! be strong!!!!

Third day without the kids. I was feeling pretty anxious last night, and I hadn't heard anything from ILs since they were here six weeks ago. Not hearing from them made me wonder where they stood (do they think I'm some kind of whack job with this romantic affair stuff?), so I called and talked to MIL. MIL is still supportive, knows what WW is going through, knows WW won't listen to reason, still wants to talk to her and try to get through (because MIL has also been WW). MIL is pulling for me. Reassuring. Gave me strength.

Was up early today and functional at work. Exchanged a couple of emails with WW (responding to something she asked and asking her about some house stuff). The emails were cordial, and I tried to be brief. Among other things, she asked if I could bring the old tv over (I committed to this previously, because it's heavy, and I certainly don't want her getting the OM to come into my house to move it. I have a new tv--retail therapy!), and at the end she mentioned that she has a job interview (she was fired in Sept). I didn't respond.

I left work early and did something for myself in the afternoon, so I was feeling really good and strong, and I thought about her interview. I really wanted to tell her that I was excited for her, to try to boost her confidence, to wish her good luck, but I know that's not Plan B. It was surprising to feel such loving feelings for WW--maybe they are the result of being confident that the A will fall apart.

In the evening, I went and took the tv over. I was open and engaging with the kids and reserved with her. Didn't look at her much, didn't say much. I hooked up the tv for them, during which time she said her job interview is tomorrow morning. I said 'Hmm.' Said goodnight to the kids and left.

Then, when I got home, I responded to her last email (asking her to let me know when she plans to come to the house), ending with Good luck on your interview.

I wasn't ready for the desire to be nice to her. I'm not sure how I did--I was shooting for politely reserved without coming across as a heartless jerk. Any thoughts? Or advice? I don't foresee any more helping-her-move-stuff-type interactions.

sdguy,

Did you ever get that link I posted for you of Dr. Pittman's articles from Psychology Today?

I did. Thanks. I bookmarked it and only glanced at one article, because at the time it depressed me. Maybe I'll hit them again now. Were there any in particular you like?

I feel good again today and am observing an urge to reach out to WW. To ask how her interview went. I'm not going to, but is this a specific Plan B challenge?

SDG,
I am comming up on the big move, tonight and tomorrow. I am having the same kind of questions. My desire to interact is great, the last few nights I came home she has been sleeping in our bed again and without PJ"s no less. there was some cuddling and spooning, I am going to miss that so much. I know if I wanted to I could "date" her so to speak. but that's not plan B and I need plan B. my heart is so broken.

I am hoping you get some more plan B advice, or I may post a new thread to get feedback. You sound like you are doing very well under the circumstances. I will have to continue with email/telephone contact with my WS as well. I have already told her that I am not interested in what goes on in her life from this point and we should be separate socially, ie; no family days together.

I will want to know, how she is doing, what she is doing. it will be so hard to cut the cord. I invision an open door that I have kept for her, now I have to close it, bit by bit, and leave it only slightly ajar.

stay strong!!!

sdguy,

Yes, there is one in particular that's about 9 pages long that I found very interesting. But all of them are worth a look, and he does have a sense of humor that helps take the edge off of things.

We can always use a laugh or two, right?

This is hard. I'm going through withdrawal, right? It's not like I was getting any needs met by WW, but today I am very anxious and conscious of the fact that she would rather be with OP. At the same time, she has been considerate of and nice to me lately. This is not unexpected--she (like all WS's) thinks we will be friends. I am a nice guy, so it's hard to not respond in kind.

The whole idiotic situation makes me frustrated and angry all over again. When does this get easier?

Keep it up SD, don't break your plan

maybe the fact that she is being more considerate of your feelings is because you are not right under her thumb anymore. she is putting a little bit of effort into maintaining that R(friendship) with you, because it is not secure. ?? I am the eternal optimist, I am bound to see good in any sitch

interesting that you comment on withdrawal, I never considered that we need to withdraw from WS's as well. uggghhh
Gosh it seems like the deck is so stacked against us.
lets see....hmmmm...

our heart's have been broken, trust shattered, home dismantled, distorted self worth, children devastated, abandoned, alone, we purposely cut out WS from our lives as they are determined to keep us on the hook. how can anyone stay sane after all that? I ask you?? OH, and don't forget being strong and grounded for the kids. that's a great deal of pressure. sorry but this does bite(not the word I wanted to use)

can't comment on plan B, haven't done it yet. but it sounds excruciating. so sorry for what you are going through
(((((((sdg))))))))

I spoke to a distant friend today, who is about 2 yrs out of all this, she just kept telling me "it will get better" over and over
so I am going to say the same for you, I believe it. I have to.
it will get better
it will get better
it will get better

be strong you can do this!!!

I'm just angry about all of it. All the insanity of the affair and trying to keep the fantasy going. And even though I know it will fall apart at some point, I want to feel like something is happening, but the only thing happening is her and the OM. I only see my kids half of the time, and I find that intolerable. I also know there's nothing I can do about these frustrations.

I know it's a marathon and that things will get better.

Any vets have advice on how I should be thinking about things? People are always telling me that I should "move on," but to me that means being done with it and Plan D. I can kind of envision 3 scenarios:

1) Know that the affair is going to break down and live with hope until that happens.

2) Know that the affair is likely to break down, live my life the way I want to, have some hope.

3) Divorce.

I guess what I don't know is how much hope I allow myself.

WW got good news on her job search today. I know that she wants me to know about it, but I am deliberatley refraining from asking. I desperately want to celebrate the good news with her but won't. I also want to tell her "I would love to celebrate this good news with you, but you have chosen to celebrate with someone else, so now you should go do that," but that's a major LB. I will try hard to say nothing.

The darker the Plan B, the better. The idea is to let the OP meet all her EN's.

It seems like you are having a lot of contact with her.

It's tough. Today she called my cell phone to tell me that our daughter was sick, that she had picked her up from day care, and that she would bring her over later. I didn't pick up and only listened to the voice mail, so that's how I know about the job thing. But my parents are visiting, and WW was chatty with them when she dropped my daughter off. My parents (my mother, at least) are not shutting WW out because they want to keep the relationship open for the grandchildren. I'm not sure what the best approach is for them. WW acts like everything is completely normal when she's around them. It's freaky.

My son called WW and asked her to bring something over, which she did. When she stepped into the house (didn't knock), I made brief eye contact but walked past her without saying anything.

I think I probably need to reinforce the fact that she has chosen not to live here by getting her keys back or changing the locks. [Okay, it's probably 2x4 time, but] I'm not sure how to do this without making her angry, making her want more stuff from the house, and pushing her toward completing the divorce.

This morning my daughter (not sick) announced that she had slept well and that she had a dream. "A good dream! It was about Mommy. She came here." Indicating our house. I am considering whether to tell WW this (in an email) along with the fact that she has said a couple of different times that she is sad Mommy lives in an apartment. And include a brief update on my daughter's health. This, or say nothing.

Any opinions?

Your plan B is not nearly DARK enough. Don't have ANY contact with her at all. Don't listen to her messages. If she wants something she can arrage it with a third person. NC means NC. You are only hurting your plan B by allowing contact. Don't contact her. Change your locks. Don't bring her TV over, and don't let OM in your house to get it. She will have to negotiate with someone else to get it. I know it is hard, but you are not executing a good plan B up to this point. You are still almost in plan A, but separated. NO MORE CONTACT!!!

Thanks for the advice, but kids make things more difficult. I have two small children. For example, my daughter is sick today, and I feel like that ought to be communicated, since my WW gets her back tomorrow (but I haven't contacted WW yet). It's just not realistic to have no communication when small children are involved. I have discussed this with Jennifer C, who tells me to minimize contact (for my sake) but to avoid being disrespectful when I have to talk with her.

I am very anxious again today. I very much want something to happen, but realistically I know that nothing is going to any time soon, if ever. Is this normal?

sdg,

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I don't know how you are doing it. but the pro's say plan B needs to be dark. and I have to believe they know what they are talking about. grit your teeth, find something you enjoy doing, distract yourself with work, overschedule your free time, read every post here and post some more, anything but emailing her, email us what you want to say to her.

stay strong, they say you only have one chance for a strong plan B. keep going. you can do this.

sdg, I know you want to communicate for the sake of the kids, and for the sake of their mother knowing about their health. I have felt this need as well. but really, unless it is an emergencey, you can handle it. tell yourself you don't need her input.

??? are you feeling vulnerable handling your D illness alone?? is it a cold or more serious. do you have contact with her doctor?? if she does take her yourself.

I have had to decide for myself, that WS is capable of handling minor disasters with the kids, don't get me wrong, I would rather be involved and usually handled all of the colds/flu stuff(I am a nurse). but that would be a DJ to her. like I didn't think she could handle it.

ask your self what you are feeling. you are strong, believe in yourself. withdrawal must really BITE.

I had to buy a car this weekend and felt very vulnerable. WS always handled finances, I couldn't find the title, had to call insurance co. was in pure panic as I sat at that desk all alone. but I did it, and feel empowered. push yourself to function when you feel vulnerable, its hard being on your own, but its the only way we will grow from this.

Okay, so I didn't communicate anything yesterday. Today, I texted her that the kids were home sick and when did she want us to bring them by? She called my cell, which I didn't pick up. My mom and I took the kids over. I kissed them good-bye from outside her apartment, and then my mom took them in so I wouldn't have to see WW.

I'm so angry about having to drop my kids off. I'm angry that my house is now quiet. I'm angry that my kids are not getting the best parenting they could. I'm angry that my son is being traumatized, and I'm angry that some people would tell me to put on a happy face about it for the kids' sake (lie to them). I hate my WW for doing this to our children.

I'm venting. I'm going to do some deep breathing and work on my house.

This sucks.

you did well, not easy I can imagine, but you did not break your plan B, good job. great job. don't beat yourself up for not feeling great. allow yourself that anger. it is an appropriate emotion. and the worst thing you could do is pretend things are fine. they are NOT!!! do you have a punching bag???

I also have to agree with being honest with the kids. Life is not always easy and they need to know that. they are learning by watching you how to cope with anger, frustration, disappointment.

another point is that people seem to forget how smart children really are. even at a young age they can comprehend when something is not right. they are also very self centered, espec the younger they are. if you tell them thing are"just fine", guess what?? they wont believe you, and they will assume that they have done something wrong. they will blame themselves. that is something that can affect them their whole life...guilt for your parents div.

tell them that things are wrong, explain as much as is appropriate for their age and readiness. they will know its not their fault. kids are resilient, they can cope and understand much better than we give them credit for.
this is JMHO, of course.

sdguy,

I want you to know that fightingback directed me to your thread, so blame her for my advice....NOT REALLY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hear your pain, and KNOW it all too well.

One 1x2, you are having far too much communication with your WW. I understand the logistics of having children together (my DS is 4) and the handoffs can be very stressful. I think you did well by having someone help you there, and I think you need to make more concrete plans about dropoff's and pickup's, to allow very little, if any wiggle room. DO NOT TALK TO HER!!! If she contacts you, resend Plan B letter, which state conditions for contact.

Look, we all try to work our own Plan B...it's easy to make excuses for contacting your WW, EEEEEASY. Unless there is major emergency, not including the common cold or stomach virus, you need not contact wife. If you have the children and they become ill while staying with you, a short TM stating children are ill will suffice.

Take Plan B like it is a command from a superior officer. You MUST follow through, or your entire squad will pay the consequences. Everyone needs to follow YOUR lead. Do this for your children and YOU. Do this to be firm that you choose to love your W, but the WW has no place in your life or family...STAND FIRM.

I have recently had to contact WH regarding removing his belongings from the house (by email), and he is pushing back with whatever he can grasp at. Now, I could speculate from now till Friday why, but why waste my precious time....only HE knows why. So, when you start to ASSUME anything, about WW or her actions, just stop, and remind yourself--I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S THINKING...relieve yourself of the notion that you are supposed to be KRESKIN, mind reader extraordinaire!!!

Plan B can be a long haul, and it's main purpose is to separate you from the pain that a WS can inflict upon you, and to maintain your love for your W. That is when you hear people telling you to move on....this will take some considerable time to sink in. Carry on your life without considering your WW. DO IT. Go out with friends, play with the kids, change the house a bit--to your liking. Try to think of something that you told yourself you would like to do, if only WW would agree, and DO IT...

Confidence, REAL confidence will draw people to you, as well as catch the eye of a wayward...take care of yourself, eat right, sleep, get help for YOU YOU YOU. Don't become a TAKER, but pamper yourself, do something you enjoy

Last thing, NO MORE ENABLING YOUR WW. If she wants the TV, tell her to do it herself (I know, bad example, what's done is done)...She's grown, RESPECT THAT...

RESPECT isn't just about treating people a certain way, it's about allowing them to make their choices and live with the consequences, good and bad...Freeing yourself from the notion that you have ANY CONTROL of them...Let go. I have learned from many here, but especially Mimi, that it is disrespectful to think for anyone; to ASSUME ANYTHING, so let it GO!

I've gone on long enough here, and I'm sure I could add more, but I think I may derail if I don't post what I've listed so far.

Thanks very much, guys. I appreciate the support. Can someone point me at some good posts about how Plan B is supposed to work? I think I have a pretty good handle on it, really, but if there are some posts like The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A for Plan B, I would like to read them. The more information, the better.

FB, this is confusing me. Are you a BW or a BH? If you feel like revealing it.

I'm feeling more balanced.