There are people who've done great Plan B's. Lunamare, Mimi, are two that come to mind, who have communicated with me and helped me. You can look up their posts with the 'SEARCH' function...probably many of their posts were in GQII.

I don't know how many informational posts there are for Plan B; mainly things for Plan B letter. You could set up a seperate post asking this question of the forum...

sdg,
I am a woman, lesbian relationship. most of the info is in an my earlier thread. sorry if I misled you, I have "come out" so to speak on a few threads, its hard to keep track of who knows what about my sitch. me, my WS and OP are all women.

sdg, my original thread is titled what a difference a week makes, and a good plan A.
its a few pages back, if you are interested. in GQ2

Thanks for the clarification, FB. Now I'm not confused. About that, anyway.

No contact with WW for days. We talked on the phone on Friday just long enough to confirm when the kids would be dropped off at her place. She left open an opportunity to ask her about her follow-up job interview, which I ignored. My mom took the kids to her door while I stayed in the car.

We got the kids back again Sunday, and WW came by to get them for swim lessons. I was gone when she got them and didn't come to the door when she brought them back. My mom said she kept looking in the house to see what I was doing. She talked again about the job (is expecting an offer) briefly with my mom. My mom said WW looks bad--pale and worn out.

It's still a roller coaster. At times I want to reach out to her, to let her know she can come back, to show her I still care, to ask about the job situation, but [put the 2x4s down] I know not to. She's heard enough that this isn't what I want, so I'm keeping very dark. Today it's easier.

sdg, great job/ strong plan B, you give me hope...it can be done.
I bet you must feel like crap, but at least you know she does too. you will get through this. stay strong!!!!!
remember arks post to "be still"!!!!

Hard again today. She asked via email questions about financial accounts, which makes me think she is continuing with the divorce. She also mentioned that she had lunch with a friend last week who told her about how I exposed the affair to one of her former colleagues. I know that the exposure was the right thing to do, that it's okay (and good) if she's angry. But I want my family back, and these kinds of things make me more anxious, at least when I am at the low end of the roller coaster.

My answers to her question was very short, and I ignored the exposure comment. I'm determined to show her nothing but strength and as much silence as possible.

sdg, again, great job, I cannot imagine how tough that was, I have a hard time staying silent.

I had a bad weekend as far as feeling down. gosh, the moments when I feel strong...I think...OK, I can do this....and I think it will continue to get better...but then I crash again...not interested in antidepressants...right now...but I have thought about it...I guess I never feel bad enough to crash my car into a tree...so I figure I can handle it.

stay strong, you are doing great. are you doing anything for yourself to take care of you??? going out with friends???

sd,

You are doing fine. The less time spent in contact with WW the better; YOU need the silence of Plan B. Have you done anything strictly for you, for relaxation or fun, lately? You still need to detach a bit, and any contact with your WW will set you back. Part of the reason for this is you have EXPECTATIONS. You WANT your WW to respond to every inquiry or every contact with "I've been a total fool, and I want to recover my M; I miss you, ....(insert your own thoughts)" I know...

Every contact I had with WH up until this month has left me knocked down, due to my expectations. As long as you are readily available for WW, she will hold status quo. Part of Plan B is to quiet your life, and give he over to the things she has chosen, the consequences of those choices. If she gets to contact you with piddly requests here and there, and also throw in comments about your exposure, or whatever other things she can to throw you off balance. Hold still...

It takes time to get calm...

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate the input.

WW got the job. She told my parents when she was at my house today and then told me in an email. It was an invitation to congratulate her, but I'm not going to respond.

I saw my IC this afternoon. She tells me I am doing great. There's nothing more I can do (rather, I tell her that, and she agrees with me). But I want there to be more! I want there to be something that will make a difference. . . but I know there isn't. WW is going to do what she's going to do.

I'm trying to be good to myself whenever I get the chance, although I'm due, I think. I'll get a massage in the next couple of days. Plus, I get the kids back tomorrow.

all of this venom means you are in her head...take that as a baby step...she is trying to deny it...but you hold a space in her heart...the only thing she can do is spew venom...she does not have the capacity right now to do more.

sdg...what you are doing is good. don't forget to refocus on yourself....get that massage...do something you have always wanted to but didn't because...take care of you...stay away from the fire

It turns out the questions were not about continuing the divorce, or at least I don't think so. The signs are mostly positive--she's still interested in me and what I'm doing but is also trying to respect my boundaries. This whole situation has a temporary feel to it (she just extended our family cell phone plan, she's not doing much of anything in the way of decorating her apartment).

I talked with OMW last night, and she is discouraged. Back and forth on whether she wants OM back, not much energy to continue. I suggested again that she post here and tried to give her as big a pep talk as I could. It's hard.

Slept in this morning.

SDGuy - I read your posts everyday, but don't comment much (saw your post on other thread). You are doing fine, and I didn't feel a need.

I will say that Plan B is very quiet, and kind of boring. The WS may go several months without reacting. Be prepared for that. My WH didn't do anything until 4 months into Plan B, and then he called me at work and announced he was moving back home. Only problem was, he was still in contact with OW.

So hang in there, and keep very, very dark. I think you are doing just fine.

Thanks, Believer. It's kind of what I thought--that I know what I need to do and am doing it, and there are people who need help more than I do. I certainly Wish there were something else someone could help me with, though.

Thank you for telling me that you read my posts. I find it reassuring.

I stopped by WW's apartment on the way home tonight to confirm that she was not there (at OM's apt). It felt like a bit of an indulgence to check on her, since I think that part of what I need to do is let it go. I stopped using the GPS on her car. It does seem useful to know that they are still together (OM is still lying to OMW and telling her that the affair is over and they are not seeing each other) rather than be uncertain, but it doesn't really make a difference in terms of what I need to do.

I think that on some level I'm afraid that if I stop caring about her and the marriage, I may not want her back. Still haven't quite figured out how to think about hope and caring and fear while in Plan B yet, I guess.

The point of Plan B is to protect your heart. I can tell you the affair will end. But the problem is that you may not want her back if you are not careful.

Don't check on her, assume the affair is continuing. Stay dark, and make her get all of her EN's from the OM.

Plan B takes a long time, and is very silent. But it is the one Plan that usually brings the WS back to the marriage.

Things are quiet. I guess that's good.

It is good, sdguy, because it will give you time to heal. Continue to keep dark, and you will slowly find peace.

I know how you are thinking right now, because you have your own addiction to deal with, your own fog. The withdrawal from the drama you have been in can be rough. Give yourself a month to settle in; keep posting your thoughts, and post if you feel desperate to contact WW. We'll be here...

I was calm yesterday and today, but now I am angry. Angry at the stupidity of this. Her life living in an apartment, spending only half her time with her kids--it can't be happy. The kids aren't happy. I'm not happy. I want my wife back. I want my family to be whole again. This situation has a definite temporary feel to it, but the whole thing makes me angry.

I think of things to say to WW all the time, but I'm doing a good job of staying dark. It's been about ten days since any eye contact, and I haven't talked to her in over a week.

Any thoughts on family going Plan B as well? My parents are visiting for another month and a half. So far, they (at least my mom) have stayed pleasant with WW for the sake of the kids. It has always been a positive, friendly relationship, and my mom doesn't want to poison it and have that affect her relationship with her grandchildren. I have supported this so far, but a couple of different times my WW has come to the house and chatted with them for 30 mins or so. Getting ENs met. I'm not sure how to handle this. I meant to ask Jennifer in my last session but forgot. Any ideas?

Hard today. It was the kid swap day. Our schedule is such that the rest of the swaps happen at day care, which is good. So today I was anxious and angry ahead of time. WW came to pick the kids up, but I didn't know exactly when she would get here, which made it difficult to be absent. I was getting ready to go for a walk when I saw her car pull up, so I hugged the kids and told them goodbye. I was in the process of leaving the room when she came into the house (she knocked and entered).

WW said "Run Away!" as I left. I thought it was in response to the kids saying "Mommy's here!" and running about, but my mom thinks it was directed at me. The kids weren't ready to walk out the door, and while they got ready, I stewed upstairs, outraged at the absurdity of giving over my children because of this separation. Angry enough to want to smash things but vented through tears.

Later I calmed down and thought about the Run Away comment. It made me angry at first, and I thought of all sorts of retorts, then more constructive comments like "If there's something about my behavior that you don't understand, read the last card I gave you again." But then I thought about it more and think that it's a sign that she is thinking about me and noticing that I am not there, and that the most effective thing is for me to say nothing at all. It was her basically picking a fight, and I refused to bite.

The kid exchanges are where I've been most vulnerable and wound up getting the most upset, so next time I'll drop them off rather than let WW linger around the house.

WW starts new job tomorrow. Hopefully the pressure of single parenthood will make it more difficult for the A to continue and some more reality will set in.

I am strong. But sometimes angry. And I miss my wife and family.

You are doing very well. I know how hard it is. And it is good that you didn't mention the Plan B letter. When I told my husband to refer to it, he played dumb and asked "What letter?".

As for your mom, it is better that she continue a relationship with your wife. I'm happy that she is able to be pleasant to her.

Hang in there. Plan B usually takes several months before you see results.

She doesn't like Plan B...that's what that snarky comment was about. It is having the desired effect on her.

Good idea about dropping them off next time.

I just want you to know that I keep up w/ your thread and am praying for you.

~ Marsh