Today is a transition day for the kids--I would drop them off at school and day-care and WW would pick them up at night. DD3 is still sick, though, and DS7 presented some symptoms, so my parents kept both of them at home today. I emailed this info to WW, who had to coordinate with my mom on pickup. Mom says she had a very sweet conversation with Nice WW (not crazy WW). Mom offered to keep DD again tomorrow if necessary (WW said "Are you sure?"). I wouldn't have made the offer, but it was already out there.

WS's are nuts.

sdg...I agree with Marsh...plan B is killing her

the fact is...you don't know HOW things are going with OM...if she is being so vile...that might mean she is not living the fantasy life anymore...reality is setting in. my bet is things are less than perfect. and thats a definate downward swing. she may still spew venom because she may not understand WHY plan B hurts her so much...but give her time..she will figure it out

is your WW stubborn?? unable to admit fault?? that may play a part in her tough exterior (ie: "I don't want you back" "we will never have a chance")

when someone like a WW makes a life altering decision that has a longlasting effect on the ones she loves, it HAS to be for a substantial reason, right? so her feelings for OM HAVE to be substantial. extreme enough to wreck her family. ok, so what if a WW gets a glimmer(plan B) that what they have given up their life for is less than perfect, not everything they had hoped for(OM)??? what do they do??

well, they can admit they were wrong, which for some is like cutting of an appendage. or they can stay in denial...steeped in denial...where there is no evidence of wrongdoing...."no, OM is the one for me, otherwise why would I have risked my whole family's happiness?" she doesn't want to believe that she has wantonly thrown her morals out the window for an A...it HAS to have more substance than that, you know in the name of love, happiness. she has to come out of denial before she can see reality...plan B is shoving reality down her throat...ripping her kicking and screaming from the denial she is spinning in...denial is safe...its warm there...no responsibility....no painful reality...thats why she is spewing venom...she doesn't want reality...she would rather chose lofty fantasyland....see how your plan B is working...

am I making sense??
get what I am saying???
is that clear as mud???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

another quick thought

"me thinks thow protestest too much"

the more she says she doesn't want you, there is no chance for reconciliation...the more I believe the opposite is true.
if she really didn't want you..she would be ignoring you, and happy in plan B...off living life with OM...thats NOT happening

keep your chin up...it IS working <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I second what these folks are saying.

You dont complain about that which you dont care about!

Okay. Thanks, guys. I need to stop worrying about it and calm down, anyway. What she is or isn't doing or feeling isn't relevant to what I need to do, at least not yet.

When she tries to break the Plan B, I get triggered, and then I get anxious and depressed. Okay. I see it now. I think I know what to do. But I feel like I've said this before, too.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to grasp how we should be feeling/thinking and hold onto it?

It seems like you and I both (probably most in plan B actually) get things figured out, only to have them ripped away from us, be reminded of them, grasp them, have them ripped away...and it's the gift that just keeps on giving!!!LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
IHC

It's hard to stay focused with such a slippery target. Each time, I feel a little more prepared, though. "Ah...okay...hadn't thought of THAT yet. Next time I'll be ready."

You will not always be ready for every little incident that occurs, and even the 'little' ones can be very painful. That is why the best advice that anyone can give about Plan B is to attempt darkness as best you can.

Eventually, you will be able to recognize who you are dealing with AND understand it. You won't be as reactionary. In your case, sdguy, you will have to deal with her showing up at your son's games, so you have more to contend with. I think you are doing very well, and all of this 'thinking' is totally normal, we ALL do it. We all wonder how to keep from the emotional ups and downs. If you weren't in Plan B (think back a bit to Plan A) you would be nowhere near as together as you are right now. YOu have learned much about yourself. You are getting stronger. You'll see...

sdg

you sound a bit more focused.....you are doing great...keep up the good work.

SD,

A sentence I try to live by: "Though I stumble, I never loose my way."

I admire you too. Men like you and some of the others give me hope that there are good men still.

You are very early in Plan B. Expect NOTHING for now. Nothing usually happens for several months. So don't worry about WW, just continue staying the course.

Triggered myself again. Now I'm worried about divorce proceedings. I haven't talked to my lawyer enough to know what happens now. She filed in November--does the case proceed with a life of its own now, or does she have to do something else to keep it going? If it's a six-month clock, something will happen in the June timeframe, and I don't think that WW will wake up by then. I believe that D will be the point of no return for me, and a lot of the anger I'm storing up will come out in a Plan-FU-Let-Me-Tell-You-What-I-REALLY-Think statement.

Lots of worries. I'm anxious about it because I want to control it but can't. I know that I will be fine (and maybe better off) if D happens, but it's not what I want, so that prospect scares me. Sometimes. I think I'm torturing myself trying to figure out whether I should hope for recovery (as if there were something I could do to control that), or whether I should go ahead and make myself okay with divorce, but if I do that will the door for recovery close (i.e., will I be Done)? It's too much thinking (but that's what I do). I want to calm down and remind myself that whatever happens, I and my kids will be okay.

I know that continuing my Plan B is the best path forward, so that is what I will do. Dark and Darker. Pitch black. Impenetrable.

Obviously, I need to talk with my lawyer to get greater understanding.

And I really wish that WW knew that OMW and OM's divorce case has been dismissed, but I know it's best if I'm not the one to tell her and can't figure out another way to get that information to her.

sdg...feeling the same way...every little let down is like a mild push for me...I feel like every element of time, day or week that'nothing' happens (ie: what I want to happen)...I take a baby step away from it all....I am concerned, like you that one day that baby step will take me just too far to ever come back...I feel like I am losing that love..

I guess the good thing about it is
#1 no regrets...we will know...without a doubt that we did everything reasonably possible, and even superhuman, to give our M that chance.
#2 Dr Harley says that if we follow plan B, then eventually what happens is WE fall out of love with THEM. yes, I forgot it but I have been re-reading SAA, and thats what he actually says. so I guess when that happens...no more pain...no more agonizing...we end up...hmm...you know "over it" and actually ready to move on

I guess this is the subtle shift we are feeling...and I guess thats why we need to stay far away from WS's as their actions will only intensify this desire to "move on"

whew...this is trying....



and you got this info from OMW?? no one SHE knows can leak it to WW?? wait a minute...on second thought...aren't we supposed to STOP worrying about what WW and OM are doing?? talking about this is prob not good for your heart!!! I know...I am getting weak too. but lets toughen up huh????
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I'm right there with both of you as well. It is a scary place to be..a balancing act...not wanting to give up "too soon" but being ready to heal and move on, and losing some of the love that I have desperately been trying to hold on to.

Just thought I'd pop in and echo your sentiments!!!


IHC

I got the info from the court. I'm trying not to communicate with OMW much, but I did send her an email asking when she dismissed the case (and, thus, when did OM know that the case had been dismissed, and is it possible OM is lying to WW about it, and, um, wouldn't that be great), but she hasn't responded. I said in my email that WW thinks the case is still active, so maybe she will take the hint.

But you're right--I'm trying not to get involved in OM/OMW stuff. I think it's just me trying to regain control of a situation I can't control. Probably a significant part of what the desire to date was, too.

yup...sdg...ask yourself..."how is this helping me?" is it making you feel better? you are trying to control that which is out of your control... you would do best to stop thinking about it..my guess is that they have enough to fight about, and the fact that they are keeping secrets from one another is a good thing...no R can last without honesty...don't worry...it WILL come out to your WW...you don't need to push it to happen. believe it will and take it as a sign that all is not well in fantasy land..then put it to rest..

IHC...you have twin boys?? then you had three more??? wow you must be busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sdguy,
I thought a lot about letting go. I started to teeter towards acceptance that I would be divorcing in the summer. I was ready, sort of still am. Guess that's what a good Plan B does, it allows you to open up to the notion that YOU deserve respect, that you are strong, and that, if asked to, if forced to, you can go it alone.

This is your WW's ball, let her run with it. By all means, talk to your lawyer about tentative time lines, but leave it at that. Darkness is AGAINST the situation also. It allows you to continue with your daily life, unaware of the awful things that a WS does, in any capacity.

If she chooses to D, then that is her choice. You have chosen M, she knows this. D is not always the end, but I'm unsure of the effect on men vs. women (BS's) and their choice to move on.

fb,

no not twins...one is foster, from family. But yeah, the insanity is still the same!!!LOL

My Plan B started on January 30th. WW filed for D last week. I have no one to worry about now but DD19 and myself and I am not looking back. I will say that every day I am stronger than the last. There is the occasional mental and emotional hiccup but they don’t hurt as bad or last as long as before. It is a new mindset to stop thinking “us” and only about “me” regarding the future but it is less intimidating each day. I have no control over her actions or her possible destruction in the future. And now I know I never really did.

I am sure my original greatest fear was that of being alone. Fear is debilitating and non productive. As dumb as it sounds every load of laundry, every load of dishes, every time I vacuum the house, care for the houseplants, dust, clean, organize or make a small meal for myself is another small step to being a self sufficient independent man. It’s not that I don’t desire a companion in my life, because eventually I really do. It’s my understanding that I don’t need a companion in order to define who I am.

In the end, the best revenge will be to live well.


"Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defense." – Abraham Lincoln