Thanks for the thoughts, All. I talked with my lawyer, who told me that the six month thing is the minimum amount of time that the divorce could be finalized, but that since nothing has happened to progress the divorce, it probably won't be that soon. But that the court will push things along. My lawyer knows that I don't want to do anything to propel the case.

I know that divorce is not necessarily an endpoint, but it feels like a point at which I would say "Okay, I'm done now. I've done everything I can."

The bit about control is self-realization. Why does this bother me so much when I know that I and my kids will be okay whatever happens and that a divorce could actually be a relief? Because it's not what I want, and I'm not used to things that I want being out of my control. I keep coming back at the problem, trying to figure out some other angle with which to approach it. I know that I should be letting it go, and I'm doing a better job of that than I would have even a couple of months ago.

Divorce feels like failure. And in this case, it would be, but I know that it won't be MY failure. But you can know something in your head and feel something different deep in your bones, and that would/will be something I will struggle with if it goes to divorce--that I have failed my children somehow. Intellectually, I know that I am doing a superhuman thing, but still.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I know that I'm a good man, a good father, a good husband, a good catch. And I'm pretty self-sufficient, too. It's just not what I want, and right now I'm trying to keep it that way.

WW showed up at DS7's baseball game today. DS pointed her out to me (and later said it was what he liked best about the game--sweet kid). She stood over on the other side of the field away from our team bench. I studiously ignored her. She was nice to my father as he walked by her, though, and then called my mom for a status report on DD3 and was downright chatty and pleasant. My mom objects to me calling her an insane addict and tends to think WW knows what she's doing (trying to protect me).

sdg...sorry you are down..I see why you would feel like D as being an endpoint, it IS and endpoint! maybe if you think of it as something different...as a step on a path...the closing of one door can open another...yada yada yada.

YOU have not failed...YOU have shown your children determination, perseverance, love, boundaries, admitting mistakes, devotion, forgiveness, and I am sure many, many more wonderful traits. you have shown them despite life being full of hardship, that YOU will be there...always...from diversity comes growth. do not lose sight of your strength..
WW has failed....you and her children, BUT she may still have an opportunity to repent and right her wrongs. yes, the clock IS ticking...but all is not lost, yet!!!!
YOU will be a loving devoted partner to some wonderful deserving wife in the future, WW can chose to be that W or not...it will be her loss.

I'm feeling better than I was. It takes me a couple of days after getting triggered to really get centered again, so I'm trying to avoid getting triggered. I've been busy at work and okay at home, although the Discovery paperwork getting ready for the divorce conference makes me want to vomit.

Speaking of vomit, my son started throwing up at about 4am and appears to have the stomach bug that's going around. The kicker is that my parents and I are planning to take the kids to Arizona this weekend to take in a couple of spring training baseball games. We think we're going to try to go anyway. Wish us luck!

sd,

I find that my recovery from triggers is shorter and shorter each time. Sometimes they knock me down but most of the time they just make me lose my bearing now.

Kind of like when you are in the ocean...just standing still you can lose your balance as the wave goes back out...sonetimes the wave is strong enough to knock you over, other times...not so much. But then there are those ones that catch you off guard...they're the ones that really make you go down! Anyone, can you tell I'm missing the sunny beaches of San Diego?!

IHC

sdg...is this a realistic goal??? I am right with you on the triggers...got a cell phone bill way OVER on TM's on WS's phone........wretching. but how do you actually prevent this...maybe finding a better way to deal with the nauseating reaction, but how to??? I am struggling with this as well...yikes

I am glad your feeling better....and that stomach bug is a doozy..make sure you wash your hands before you touch your eyes,nose or mouth...only way to prevent the spread so you don't get it too....my son had it for about 3-4days...but my youngest kids only had a mild case for 1-2days...hope its a short one for your little guy.

did somebody say beaches??? I am salivating...I still have snow on the ground...but its been 50 for 2 days..at least its starting to melt:)

Hey sdguy,

Seems you and I are pretty neck and neck in this ugly divorce horse race. I just got going on the property and financial paperwork this weekend. Very non-motivational stuff.

I had a strange trigger set off last night that really bummed me out for several hours. DD19 and I went to see 300 last night. I really enjoyed it and the dedication kept to Frank Miller's original style. Pretty bloody stuff (warning) but well done.

At the end as Leonidas waits for his end under a cloud of Persian arrows his last line is a lament about not ever to see his wife again. I was gut punched. It was very strange. DD19 was perceptive enough to notice on the walk home and even correctly guessed the source of the trigger and gave me a big hug. I got a good kid.

Some of those triggers can be pretty sneaky.

Just found out the Family Court Services hearing is scheduled for ten days from now, with a court hearing about a month after.

Plus, I think I have the stomach bug now.

So the whole divorce is all a great big trigger for me and really makes me tired. I know that I will get back on my Plan B horse and keep going with it, but in the midst of the trigger Plan FU is really beckoning.

She wants me to be a civil co-parent and doesn't understand what I'm protecting her from. Okay. I can explain it to her. Starting with what a crappy mother she is. I can tell her what I really think, and then I can be as civil as she wants, but once I'm Done, she's going to hear it.

I don't know. I felt strong yesterday, today I'm tired. She's so stubborn and determined--I just can't see that she will wake up in time for me to still care.

sdg...I don't blame you....you sound really down...what do these hearing mean?? is the D going to be the END for you...or do you think you will keep some hope in your heart???

I know its not MB approved, but what about a little plan F-U, if I was going to break my plan B, can't think of a better thing to do than to unload a truck load of foul smelling dung onto WS!!!! they soooo deserve it. grrrrrr!!!!

sorry you are hurting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey sdguy,

I thought about Plan FU all last week too. It was bad enough I would practice in the car while driving. I probably scared some people on US36; “Mommy, look at the wild-eyed crazy man with the frothing mouth next to us!”

Then I was thinking just like you that when this is over she will get the full understanding of my appreciation of the Dante’s Inferno she has sent DD19 and me through.

“She's so stubborn and determined--I just can't see that she will wake up in time for me to still care.” - What are they sisters?

But then feelings change again.

Somehow I feel I have entered a new stage of recovery after the last trigger on Sunday night. The last trigger episode was very intense but also relatively brief. During these past couple of days I suddenly realize I just don’t care that much what she is doing or what she plans on doing or with whom. She can start snake charming entire rugby teams if she wants.

I don’t seem to have any real yearning for her and a little part of me started to feel sorry for her for the messy train wreck I believe her life will become. But I have no desire to muddy myself stopping it. I am sure this is just another hill on the rollercoaster, but it is feelings of apathy I have not yet experienced and I suspect these feelings will start to become more a part of me.

I am sure I have many angry moments yet in store for me going through the divorce crap but as far as a relationship spanning nearly 27 years she is becoming a shrinking image in the rear view mirror.

Your situation is so much more difficult than mine with your two young children. Their welfare is first. You sound like a good guy and a good and caring father. There are not enough of both in this world. You are going to be okay and you will find happiness again with or without WW.

If you live anywhere near Colorado let me know and I will meet you anywhere and the first barley pops are on me.

I will keep my Plan B going at least through the hearings if not until the papers are signed. Then I will know that I have done my best for my kids.

The kids are what this is about now. I would have given up on WW LONG ago if it weren't for my children, who deserve so much better than what they are getting. Ultimately, they will adapt and be okay, but It Doesn't Have To Be This Way. Argh. The kids have apparently been talking to WW about it--telling her that it's 3 against 1 that she should come back home.

"I don’t seem to have any real yearning for her and a little part of me started to feel sorry for her for the messy train wreck I believe her life will become. But I have no desire to muddy myself stopping it. I am sure this is just another hill on the rollercoaster, but it is feelings of apathy I have not yet experienced and I suspect these feelings will start to become more a part of me."

I think I'm entering the same place. I'm beginning to not care whether she comes back or not. I know that I can find someone better for myself. It's all so sad.

OM still hasn't filed for divorce. I don't think WW knows that.

You are entering the Plan B zone. You may think you dont care...that is fine. This is the fruits of Plan B!!!

But, dont make rash decisions, because most of the time, locked up inside, your love still continues. Plan B just locks that up.

You are doing fine.

sdguy,

I have been through those feelings recently as well.

Like MM said,


It is a very strange feeling. I am still coming to grips with it. One day I will have hope that things are going to be fine in time. The next I can't stand the thought of WH coming home - it's too painful.

But like MM also said...

I am finding that most of these emotions change from day to day and that until I have one for a very extended amount of tie, I should not act on it.

In some ways it is still like the roller coaster, except you are in charge of this ride not your WW.

Be encouraged...I think there are a few of us going through the same feelings at the same time. At least it is good to not feel alone in this.

IHC

Thanks, Mortarman. I really needed that bit of perspective.

Like you said, IHC. It's still a roller coaster, but I think that understanding (and trying to eliminate) the triggers helps shorten the dips.

It is nice to not be alone in this--good to have the support of others in the same place, but I hate that so many good people are suffering through this.

Ditto..it makes me so sad that this is truly such an epidemic in our society. UGH! For all the people who have found this site, so many others have not.

This place has truly been a life line to me and I know helps me grab on to the sanity that I so desperately need on a daily basis.

Feeling down again today. A big part of it is getting over the stomach bug, which has sapped most of my energy, but there's a depression component, too. I meet with my lawyer tomorrow to prepare for the Family Court Services session next week, and it's making me anxious. I guess I will find out tomorrow what she is asking for.

The Family Court Services thing is where WW and I sit down with some kind of court mediator and see if we can reach an agreement for child custody and the like. Then that mediator makes a recommendation to the court. If WW is holding to what she's said all along (50% custody), then I don't see it as a problem. She's pretty angry about Plan B (and her life, probably), so she may try to take it out on me in court. My lawyer is going to prep me tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that I can make it through the session without going Plan FU on her. I really want to avoid an ugly custody battle. She's a pretty good mother (if you throw out the affair and how it affects her children, and right now she is incapable of understanding that), she will come across as sane, and I probably can't win. California is a no-fault state.

Hi sdguy,

Although I am not an expert, there may be a time and a place for Plan FU but it’s probably not in front of the mediator. But what an epic MB story that would be.

Hang in there. It really will get better.

Sorry to hear you are having a down day, sdguy. Been there, still doin' that too. It does get better.

I'm having a negotiation conference with WH and his lawyer and my lawyer next week. I'm glad it isn't a court appointed mediator...that would make it more stressful. Right now it is just the four of us trying to hammer an agreement out.

It's all so nerve-wracking. How in the world did we get here? A year ago today I had no clue what was coming and now I'll be sitting across a table from a man I don't know anymore dividing our lives. I'm hoping I can keep my emotions together. I've been pretty strong lately but it's because I don't have to deal directly with WH. I will have to face him next week and I am dreading it.

I'd rather get it done and over with, though. What actually happens is probably not nearly as bad as what I imagine will happen. Fear of the unknown again. I'd rather deal with knowing than not knowing.

Hang in there.....we're with you.

So right. Is this my life? How did this happen? I really want to wake up. It's mind-boggling when I stop to think about it, so I generally try not to.

I met with my lawyer today. WW appears to be asking for 50% custody (as per what we are currently doing) as well as spousal and child support. Based on her declaration, I think it's because she needs money. There was nothing in what's been filed about finalizing the divorce, which is a bit of a relief for me.