Does anyone have advice on how to handle plan B when doing court stuff? For the Family Court Services meeting this week, WW and I sit down with a court-appointed social-worker-type person and see whether we can reach an agreement for child custody. It sounds like WW wants to continue our 50:50 arrangement, but we will have to talk in this meeting, and I'm a little concerned (as is my lawyer) about Plan B making me look like a non-cooperative parent. The recommendation of the arbitrator carries a lot of weight for the hearing that follows, and I don't want to come across like some kind of wacko. WW does a good job of appearing sane and rational.

I'm toying with the idea of relaxing my plan B just long enough to get through this meeting. She will be bringing the kids over on Sunday for our first exchange since my parents have left, so maybe I will meet her at the car and actually interact with her about the kids. And acknowledge her at the meeting.

Thoughts?

With respect to custody, I have decided that 50% is good enough. If I was convinced I could get full custody, I might do it just to make WW feel the effects of her actions, but I really don't want to take the kids away from their mother. Aside from the affair, she seems to be doing okay with them. So I think my strategy is to get into the meeting, get 50%, and get out. Not get dragged into any verbal sparring.

For the meeting, there is a Mediation Data Sheet that is supposed to be filled out while you're waiting for the meeting to start. My lawyer gave me one ahead of time and pointed out the key question: What parenting schedule would you like to have? I'm thinking about writing this in: Given that my wife has repeatedly brought her affair partner into her apartment in the presence of the children only one month after removing them from the family home, I question her parental judgment and think that the children would be better of with me, in the home in which they grew up, with the support of neighbors, and with the availability of my parents when required. Because I believe a custody battle is not in the best interest of the kids, I will be satisfied with a continuation of the 50% agreement we have been working with. I would ask, however, for a ruling that overnight visits by new romantic partners be prohibited when the children are present for a period of six months.

Sdguy,

I will not be too far behind you....But.... I don't have minor children. In any case when I finally sit before a County Judge I will be in the ultimate Plan A. Cooperative and upright. I can only control me. Plan B will look bad to all in the court room.

I am rooting for you big time.

Hmm. Revert to Plan A for the meting. I hadn't thought of that. That sounds like a pretty good idea, actually.

SD,

Chrisner's statement, "you can only control me".

I've read your posts.

You can get through the toughest of times. Strong, confident.

You'll do what is right for you and the kids.

No need to get involved with any verbal sparring, strong, confident for what is best for you and the kids. You know the issues. You know what is best for those kids.

Have to agree about reverting to plan A.

Just like chrisner, I am right behind you in terms of the "process."

I'm trying to think this through. If I go plan A, it seems likely that "the only reason WW is leaving is to pursue the affair" will come up. WW will counter that affair and our marriage are completely unrelated, we went through MC, we Did try. I would probably counter that

-our marriage never had a chance because
-WW was still working with OM and clearly emotionally attached,
-WW was never invested in MC--just going through the motions

And maybe

-Everything unfolded exactly according to the pattern of romantic affairs
-There is no reason to think this one won't end the way most of them do
-If WW gives up the affair, she will find that we can have a happy marriage again

If it goes this way, it will essentially be me holding the mirror up to WW, and she will HATE that. She is so stubborn that I'm afraid hearing this from me will make it That Much Harder for her to figure this out on her own (and admit it), and it seems like that's what has to happen before recovery is possible.

Today was the first kid exchange without my parents being here (so I actually had to be present). I relaxed my plan B a bit (in advance of the mediation thing this week) and left her a voice mail last night about stuff I wanted her to bring. When they showed up at the house (late), I came out to meet them. I got my daughter out of the car and talked mostly with her. I had on sunglasses and avoided direct eye contact with WW. I said a couple of kid-related sentences to her but otherwise was very happy and upbeat with the kids. WW didn't hug them goodbye, and I had to remind DS7 to wave goodbye.

I'm really proud of myself. Not the slightest bit of trigger. What's more, I felt like the strong one while she looked like the weak, sick one. I know it's always been that way, but it actually felt that way today.

So later in the afternoon, I take the kids to their swimming lessons. They got dropped off at 12:30, and the lessons were at 3. I'm sitting there at the university pool when in walks WW. Parking was really difficult, so she says "Did you find parking?" as she walked up to me. I said "Barely" and then proceeded to ignore her. I was sitting on bleachers. She sat down not right next to me, but next to next to me (one over, one down). I angled myself so I didn't see her. When DD3's lesson finished, I went to get her. WW asked me if I wanted her to take DD3 to get dressed, and I responded clearly "No." When we came back from the locker room, I asked DD where she wanted to sit, where I had been (next to WW) or over on the other side of the pool where DS's lessons were, and she pointed over to the other side of the pool from where WW was sitting. I was civil in getting out. DD said she wanted to wait with WW while I helped DS get dressed, so I let her do that. I didn't say anything else to WW.

This sounds to me like what Schoolbus told me WW would do. I'm pleased that it didn't trigger me either, and that I still feel strong and determined. I hope the mediation goes as well as today did.

Amazing, simply amazing. You are doing such a good job with your kids. You should be very proud of yourself!

great job sdg!!!!!!!
keep up the good work.....

You're a great dad SDG! She sees it too.

sdg,

When I went to mediation, I did not try to pull out any "stunts" with WH. I did not speak directly to him at any time. I spoke directly to the mediator. Because they handle this stuff all the time, they will be impressed with 2 people who can politely do what is in the best interests of the children.

I did not try to "stick it to him" in the meeting, but I stood up for the things I felt were important.

I however did not have a lawyer. But I don't think that they are involved in the mediation process. For me it was just my WH and I.

The only sticky point was when my WH tried to get the mediator to "make" me communicate with him (instead of using intermediaries). But, he was not able to pursuade me and gave up.

The mediator is great because they don't have an opinion one way or the other...they are very neutral.

Hope it all goes well.

IHC

Hey sd...

Just wanted to pop in and wish you well. It is strange how there is this little club of us--a club NONE of us wanted to be in--who are all in about the same time frame.

I'm only in Day 16 of Plan B, but my "settlement conference" (whatever that means) is April 26. I assume it is the first meeting at which we will begin to hash over the distribution of our joint assets. How disgusting.

Custody and support will not be an issue, because WH isn't interestd in custody and support is state-mandated. But I have a list--a LOOOONG list--of things I want us to hash out, in the hopes of dragging this thing out.

I truly think that WH believed the D would just magically finalize, having never required him to go through any icky stuff or get his hands dirty. Poof! Marriage over! Now we can all be friends! Happy, happy, joy, joy!

So I feel for you...the ambivalence, the pain, the frustration, the disbelief...unbelievably, someone else feels it, too. What a sad, sad place we meet up in, isn't it? But I wish you and your kids the best; reading your story shows what a great dad you are. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

Your fellow unlucky member of the "Plan B 2 D Club,"
LilSis

Hey guy...

I just wanted to let you know how appreciative I am of the posts that you have made to me regarding my questioning moving forward with D. I have finally (just minutes ago) decided that I will not think on the subject again, not in depth, until the summer comes.

One problem at a time. WH has expressed to me that he believes that HE needs help, too, along with our DS. I need help, too. I hope to begin a cycle of healing, first with my son, followed by me. After counseling is established for DS, and payments are figured (I will be splitting the burdon with WH), I will be a bit more firm with Plan B. I have only spoken with WH regarding DS; WH offers up tidbits about himself, I DO NOT ask. I think I need some much needed silence, and much needed FUN with my kid.

Spring starts tomorrow, and then the warmth returns; lots of days to spend outdoors playing. I will be more at peace when we are active together.

So, again, thank you for your posts, they really gave me a lot of food for thought, especially the 'what's the hurry' thing...

Thanks very much, all. I continue to feel strong, but I guess I'm also feeling some anxiety regarding the meeting on Thursday. I thought about trying to set something up with Jennifer to consult on just how to play it but think I have it figured out.

I think I'm going to go in, get 50% custody, ask for an order preventing overnight visits by members of the opposite sex for a period of six months, and get out.

If asked by the mediator, I will state that

--I choose marriage and absolutely believe our marriage can be reconciled

--WW's desire for divorce is all about pursuing the affair

and maybe that

--there was never a true opportunity for reconciliation, because WW never gave up OM and attempted to let me back in

WW will likely assert that we did try to reconcile, that she did get over OM, bla bla bla, and I don't want to get into a back and forth with her over that. I'm determined to stay calm and reasonable and rational and know that I can do that.

OH yes you can!!!!!!!!!! I love your plan....very simple statements...don't try to defend yourself....state it and get out....I would let your lawyer know just that and if WW pursue's the questioning further...I would simply reply "I don't agree"

the affair has nothing to do with our D..."I don't agree"
that will end the debate pretty quickly...what can one say to that.... JMHO

you are doing great....you CAN do this...

You're doing great, sdguy. Hang in there. You're plan for mediation sounds good. Calm and reasonable, but firm with your beliefs.

I understand your nerves, had them recently myself and appreciated your support. You should be proud of yourself, you were dealt a crappy hand and you're making the best of it. Your kids and WW are VERY lucky. You're kids probably already know it, your W will one day.

SD....

You ask for no contact with new relationship partners for six months.. meaning either of you have to be in a committed relationship for six months before introducing the kids AND the other parent needs to know before kids.

Overnights, that is simple no overnights until remarriage.

Don't back down, you need to establish boundaries for your children, even if their mom doesn't want too

Major anxiety set in this morning. I think it's just like the performance anxiety I suffer from--when I have to give a presentation in front of an unfamiliar group, I tend to get depressed and lose my appetite. I am pretty good at speaking, though, so once I get going I'm fine. I anticipate that tomorrow will be the same way--I have a good plan, the ability to execute it, and the high ground, so I'm pretty sure I will be fine.

Have you had your session yet, Fox?

I feel for you about the anxiety. I do that myself, when I actually get into it I do just fine. It's the build-up and the anticipation that I have a hard time with.

You'll do fine tomorrow. Think of what your WW is going through, knowing she is the one who caused all of this. And she doesn't HAVE to do this like you do, she CHOSE.

No, I haven't had my session yet. My lawyer ended up in the hospital so we had to cancel. He should be out today and is supposed to call me in the next couple of days to reschedule. I hope it is soon. I really feel the need to get on with it. I had the same kind of anxiety you are talking about. I was anxious, apprehensive, and sick to my stomache. Then it was canceled....and it was such a let down. Even with all those feelings I felt ready to do it. I was prepared and had myself all steeled to see WH.

After it was canceled I had a whole new set of feelings. Relief, frustration, anger, sadness, exhaustion. I was all over the board yesterday, close to tears one moment, very confident and sure of myself in the next. Just odd how many emotions you can go through all in one day. I never considered myself to be a moody person but I flip flopped every where yesterday.

Today I've felt different. I was surprised to come to the board and have nothing to report. I was just okay and it was a "normal" day. Nothing new to report, no frustrations to vent, just another day.

Although I do find today that I have less patience with other people's waywards. I have the tendency to want to shake them and say "who the heck do you think you are? What gives you the right to treat your spouse this way?"

Fox

I really hadn't thought about it this way. Thanks for the perspective.


I think it's a trigger, like the other ones. Something that forces us out of the protection of plan B and makes us face the pain and suffering and madness and waste. Or at least, I'm afraid that's what it will do. And if we're mentally preparing ourselves for that, we're doing a bit of our own triggering, so I can see why you were on the roller coaster yeseterday. Glad to hear it didn't last too long. I'm thinking now that I should allow for me being bent for most of tomorrow.