How are your own fundraising efforts going, IHC?

Sdguy-
So did you talk to Jennifer? What did she say?

You are a good man. You should be proud of yourself.

I know how it feels to want to just 'give up' and start dating, but you have done a marvelous plan b. Your kids deserve it. And they are lucky that they have a man like you as their father:
someone who will not confuse them with the comings and goings of new 'dates'
Someone who cares about them, loves them
Someone who takes care of them
Someone who holds true to their values, even in the face of someone who does not.
You value family.

I take my hat off to you. You are doing a great job, and I just wanted to let you know. Depression does suck, I hope the meds are helping. I have my little thing I do when I get down. I walk my dogs, and will talk to my friends. Sometimes while I am walking my dogs. It helps me.

I hope you feel better!
Sadmo

Thanks very much, Sadmo. I am feeling better tonight.

I did talk with Jennifer, and it went well enough. Nothing earth-shattering (sigh). We talked some about the conversation I had with the SCQ a couple of months ago. Jennifer was most concerned that I love-busted (which I did, even if it was calm). She gave me credit for the kind, constructive things I said, too, but cautioned against the LBs.

We talked about Plan B being a marathon. That the SCQ is still foggy. That there's no reason to give up yet. I hinted at the "how long do I do this" question, which she wouldn't answer, of course (just like the "what are my chances" question). She could tell that I still have energy to keep going and said as much, and so there wasn't really much of discussion of giving up.

Regarding Plan B, the bits that she stressed were protecting myself from wayward behavior and protecting the SCQ from my reaction to that behavior (i.e., LBing). I tried to get at how important the third component (no longer meeting the SCQ's ENs and how important No Contact is). Jennifer didn't seem to think that I've been having too much contact and said that "if the SCQ comes back, it will be because of what the OM does, not what you do." I'm still trying to let that one sink in, because I think it's important.

I talked about my Anger Bank concept, and she seemed to agree with it. Of *course* you'll get angry, because wayward spouses are what they are and do what they do. The trick is to not let the Anger Bank fill up to the Plan FU point, and that's what Plan B is for--to extend the period. To buy yourself time and let the affair die.

She coached me on what to say next time the SCQ calls me: "SCQ, it's really good to hear your voice. And I would like nothing more than to talk with you about our family. That is my heart's desire, but it's just too painful under these circumstances, and I don't want to say anything to hurt you. Can you please send me an email? I have to hang up now."

Jennifer also told me it is worth reminding the SCQ when the opportunity presents itself "It doesn't have to be this way--I love you, I care about you, and I want us to be a family."

She agreed that additional conversations with the OMW are probably not helpful.

I think that about covers it.

I got the kids back yesterday, and we had to stop at the grocery store on the way home, so they're already a little antsy, so I project ahead to what's going to happen. We'll get inside the house, and there will be a competition to see who holds the kitten first and for how long and whether DS7 will try to take her away from DD4 and . . . . So before we get home I ask the kids what we should do about that. DS7 has the idea that they should alternate going first each day. DD4 likes the idea but adds that she should get to go first every night. I agree with DS7's idea but mandate that DD4 will go first. DS7 thinks that since he came up with the idea, he should get to go first. It teeters on the verge of a full-blown fit but backs down when I say that the alternative is that *I* be the first one to hold her every night.

Crisis averted. I have one load of groceries in the house when they start in. DS7 wants me to do some hitting (baseball) with him, while DD4 wants me to take her on a wagon ride. As I go back for another load of groceries and think that I still have to make dinner before the kids fall apart I realize "I don't want to live like this." Anger rush. It subsided and we had a good evening, but still.

I was thinking mail-order bride, but maybe I'll give that Vitaly guy's strategy a whirl.

Sdguy-
WOW! I know exactly what you are saying... I go through periods of feeling that way. It get overwhelming... and I think, "OMYGOSH!!!! I can't do this!" But I can, you can, it is just normal.

I know when my WH first left, I had so much anger towards him, that he would put me in a position to be a single mom. I never wanted it, never fantasized about it, never thought it would be me... I honestly would not have had kids if I knew that we were not going to last. Not that I do not love them dearly, and am not grateful for them. Just that this is not the way it was supposed to be. It took me about 6 months to get on an even keel with it. I was stressed, on edge, aggravated, and I would get stressed with my kids. I do not know what finally changed, I just accepted that this is how it is, and I have to make the best of it.

One word of advice... if you do try Vitaly's strategy, go for being a nuclear scientist, or something more eye catching than a rocket scientist. Oh, give a short rundown on your appearance, so the women will not have to ask. LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SDG,



I KNOW this feeling. I love my children more than anything, but I do not want to do this alone any more. It has been a year, and I am ready for someone to share the load again.

But, I have already let go and moved on since OW is "with child". You still have some strength left...do not give up until you cannot go on anymore. Your children are worth it! And so is the real SCQ, and so are you!

I'm embarrassed to admit I actually have a "crush" on someone, but I think it is just a safe crush, in that I do not believe anything could actually happen. So, he is a SAFE crush for me.

But it has made me realize that my life is not over...

Finances...sigh...got a loan extension for my mortgage, so it will be current soon...they will just tack on 3 months to the end of the loan. that is no big deal since we are selling anyway.

Borrowed money from my mom...how embarrassing is that??? 35 years old..."mommy I need money!!!"

But, tax refund check should be here within 30 days and that will be the final push over the hill. I am also considering renting one of the rooms in my house out. I could share my room with my daughter again in order to help get ahead...

So, all in all it is looking up, but I am still not in the clear yet.

My meds have started working again and I feel calmer now, still having some anxiety (finance related) but it is not unbearable.


So, how's that for a thread jack?!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

PS: Decided I will come on Saturday..too much fun to pass on!

Can someone loan me an AHA moment? I think I'm in desperate need of one.

I want my family back. I can't think of anything I have ever wanted more than this, and it's something I have so little control over.

I've been fighting depression for the past two weeks. And I'm having trouble not thinking about the marriage. It's a chicken-egg thing for me now: am I depressed because I'm thinking about it too much, or am I thinking about it too much because I'm depressed? Or a combination? Vicious cycle. Lose sleep . . . no appetite . . . fetal position again. Made a med adjustment. Here's hoping it kicks in.

The get-together yesterday was a good time, but I didn't feel quite myself. I missed meeting you, IHC.

I want something to happen. I know exactly why LilSis broke her Plan B. I know how Fox's head comes close to exploding when she reads "You're doing it wrong. You should be doing it this way." This is hard. And it hurts. A lot.

I want to reach out to the SCQ and try to reason with her. Show her how things could be. Or just find out if she's happy with where she is so that maybe I could move on.

She was (via email and TM) gracious keeping the kids yesterday and offered up extra time for me today. I talked with the kids about it, and they wanted the extra time with me, so I accepted it. Then she texts me asking if I can bring them back an hour later than I had said I would. Why? What's she doing? Who's she doing it with? Torturing myself.

I know that I need to go darker and protect myself better.

It's not supposed to be this way.

SD, it was very nice meeting you yesterday. Can you believe me when I tell you it is better for your health and your heart to NOT know what she is doing? Reasoning with a wayward spouse is like throwing cotton balls at a alligator (thanks to noodle I think). You are not going to reason her out of what she is doing, plan A was to show her the changes are permanent and plan b is to protect you. I am sorry you are hurting, I really am.

Oh, Mr. Smiley,

I'm so sorry for all of your pain. The only real alternative to Plan B is being a punching bag, or Plan D.

Hey, I'm not perfect, guy, I broke Plan B back in December when PWC called the house and 'mistook' me for Aimless. I would have rather never received that call, EVER. There weren't even any crumbs there for me to lap up; it was awful.

It sounds more like stress, anxiety is a big part of your depression. Doing it alone is rough, especially when the kids are so young. You always have to be ON. You broke Plan B once, and got some answers, however foggy they were. You have to remind yourself that it didn't work, and groveling at SCQ's feet won't work, either, NOTHING YOU DO WILL. She has to find her way back. You can't force her.

YOu want your wife back, you are doing everything that you can to affect that ending. Please know that this is not a 2x4 in the least. Your pain seeps from the written page.

And, you are right, it is not supposed to be this way.

SD,

I feel your pain. I want my H back too, but I know if I break my Plan B, he will come back but I will then be the third person in my own marriage. I have been for a long time now, and I know that I don't really want that. I'm sure you don't either. Sometimes, I do consider it. I keep thinking maybe if I do that, then I will grow to hate him and this won't be so hard. Do we really want to hate them? ******, I don't know. It sure would be a lot easier for me, but I don't have little ones at home. My DD is grown.

Come here and cry with us. I'm afraid it's the only way we can all get through this. As long as they are with OP, they have to come back on their own.

Thanks, guys. What's most frustrating, I think, is that I had been doing so much better and can't figure out why I feel so bad now. Meds, missed sleep, the vacation trigger--none of those seem significant enough for how long this bout of depression has lasted. Maybe taken as a group. . . .

I know that my feeling better and stronger is right around the corner. And I know that I can't reason with the SCQ and that I'm better off not knowing what's going on and that there's really nothing I can do (not that I don't really really appreciate the pep talks), but the urges to DO SOMETHING still come. Do they ever stop?

I think I've been afraid of making myself okay with the way things are. Accepting it. I think I'm afraid that if I accept it and get too comfortable with it, I won't want her back.

I don't know whether any of this makes sense. Mostly I post this stuff to get it out of my system. It's a safe place to bring this kind of pain. People that aren't particularly close to me don't get why I'm doing this ("You should just move on"), and those who are close (my IC included) hate to see me in so much pain.

Tomorrow will be better.

sdguy ~ depression is suppressed anger turned inward.

For me, writing about my anger helped a great deal. There is something profoundly therapeutic about the physical act of putting pen to paper and letting the anger flow outwards.

Working towards acceptance also was key. Acceptance will bring you peace.

I don't think accepting how things are will cause you to give up on her. Letting go is tough, but once done, it is a weight off of your shoulder. Once you stop shouldering the burden for your wife's welfare and let her be fully in charge of that, something in you will change.

If you have love left, it won't disappear, but you will be at peace, and able to function better. Who gives a [email]d@mn[/email] about what other people think; let people think what they want about your motives for this. Now, as for those who love you, just keep thanking them for their support and let them know that you are going to ride the storm out, that for you, there is no other way to do this, for you, for your children and for your wife. My friends and family never got that one, but they supported me.

(((guy smiley)))

Oh man, sdguy, I feel you. I don't go through such long periods of depression, but some pretty long hours. I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

I don't have any advice for you, just know that better things are coming. This won't last forever.



For me, this was a valid concern. I was done, was justing waiting for the D. I was looking forward with NO glances back. I was at the point that I didn't want him back. But BR yanked me back, pointed some things out, made me think. Made me MAD, but made me think, too. I'm still a bit confused on things, but I've been reminded that this is a marathon. At the finish line what is my ultimate wish? For DDs parents to be in love with each other.

I truly believe this CAN happen, I just have to figure out (with help) how not to destroy the possibility by what I do.

It will get better, sdguy, believe it.

Fox

As always, ladies, thanks for your thoughts.


I think you're on to something here. Early on, I was journaling. Later, posting here kind of took the place of journaling. And then when my Plan B settled down I stopped posting so much because there was nothing to talk about. And I haven't been talking much about it with friends for the same reason (and the worry that they will get sick of hearing about it). But that stuff doesn't just go away, so maybe it just all built up and started clogging the pipes.


I know what I want. I believe that I am doing everything that I can do. I know that trying to do more won't help and can make things worse. It is what it is. Either she will come back or she won't. I will be great either way once I get there. I have the serenity prayer posted right in front of me. I guess I just need to remember to look at it more often.

It's the damn problem solver in me, always asking "but what if. . . but what if." Professionally, this serves me very well, but in this case it's agony.


Great words, Fox. Thanks for them. Marathon. Right.

Have you noticed how much easier it is to help someone else see this stuff than it is to apply it to yourself?

Okay, if not an AHA moment at least a HMM moment. Getting back on track, as it were. I slept in this morning and feel pretty good so far today (I wore the kitten out yesterday and so she went easy on me at the crack of dawn this morning). Sleep is good.

SDG,
I missed coming on Sat. but the opportunity to borrow money from a relative came about and I had to follow up on it.

I am sorry that the depression has hit you so hard. It is weird, because you can be plugging along feeling strong and ready for the long haul and then you just get blind sided and are down for the count.

But, just like the wave analogy I have used before...yes the wave knocked you down...you got covered in sand...now you get up, get rinsed off and get back out in the water. Will another rogue wave hit...maybe...or maybe you'll see it coming and get out of the way. But it is worth it to get back in. YES the SCQ is worth it (in her right mind!), YES your kids are worth it and YES you can do it.

I wish that BDS was worth waiting for, but he's not. It seems like every week I hear new info that confirms he rarely was who I thought he was. I am confused and saddened to comprehend how I never realy knew him. I feel a little dumbfounded, honestly.

GUY SMILEY, You are strong and you will make it through this latest wave!

Good to hear from you, IHC. The wave analogy is a good one. I think I have gotten some good ideas about where things are coming from and how I can better protect myself. Thanks for the pep talk.

I'm sorry for your own journey. Based on what you're hearing, it sounds like you will be better off without BDS once you get to that place. At times you get glimpses of it, I think. I'm glad to hear that your financial situation is better, but I haven't seen anywhere that you have made advances in getting BDS to be accountable for what he owes. Have you had any luck in that area? You're not avoiding it, are you?

sdguy ~

It was very nice meeting you on Sat., and I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are hurting so bad.

This is an awful, AWFUL thing to go through (I was on Dr. Harley's radio show, and he told me it is the WORST thing I will ever go through; and that I have PTSD, but that eventually I will be ok); it hurts and the pain seems neverending at times.

It is hard to believe that you will be ok, because you don't feel like you will be. I know, this is how I felt and this is how I STILL feel sometimes. It's hard and it sucks and it is JUST NOT FAIR. I know...

No advice to offer, just wanted to say hang in there, you are making it, whether you feel it or not, you ARE getting stronger and better everyday.

You will be ok.

(((sdguy)))

Today's email from the SCQ:

"You transferred money to the joint. Was that just to cover your insurance? Once we each change the life insurance to our own accounts the account can probably be closed so it doesn't cost $6 each month to have open. You can transfer money directly to my account.

Is the Acura now paid off?

Have you started looking into refinancing the house?"

So now I'm triggered again. Six and a half months into Plan B and over two years into their affair and she's still proceeding toward divorce. Angry. Want to vomit. Want to unload--to ****** with her and her worthless family and that POS OM.

I'm not convinced she will ever wake up. If she does, I don't know that she's strong enough to go through a recovery. She's stubborn, weak, cowardly, and narrow-minded. I'm not sure why I want her back to begin with.

Okay, that was some good venting.

So, my intermediary is on vacation so this came directly to me. But I'm not sure how my intermediary would have filtered this.

I'm not sure how or whether to respond.

Respond by deleting it.