First, get your meds checked. Although that seems like a crap shoot most of the time....and keep in mind that meds won't address everything. You'll just have to make it through.

Second.....I SOO hear you on the "this is all so stupid" front. My words exactly as I sat crying in my co-worker's office yesterday.

Fighting over OUR children that we brought into this world together in love.

Fighting over where they will be and when and for how long.

Fighting over what's best for them....with someone who is perfectly willing to destroy the security of their intact family and all the advantages that brings to children.

It's not just stupid, it's absurd. And sickening (thus the Ensure and Xanax dinner).

And I have the same issues IRL. And it's true. We ARE better off without the-person-that-is-now. Do not forget that.

At the same time, we recognize that our CHILDREN are NOT better off...even with the-person-who-is-now. THEY still deserve to security and advantages of an intact family.

And we crave that for them. We want so desperately to be able to give them that gift....and cannot believe that their other parent has no interest in giving them that most precious of all gifts, too.

Therein lies the rub.

Arrrgh....TJing again.

We are on the exact same place in the roller coaster again. I am so sick of this ride.

Oh boy.. do I feel that pain acutely.

Especially in the midst of my own temporary custody battle.. and that's just to decide what happens while we work on getting unmarried.. which I don't want to do in the first place!

Yes.. it's frustrating, it's absurd, and it's -wrong-. But it is what IS.. not what SHOULD BE.

I was actually fairly peaceful today before reading this post, and it reminded me why I am really so distraught over the whole thing. It doesn't make sense to any rational human being. It won't, and you already know that.

Sometimes we aren't dealt the hand we want, but God wants us to play it out until the end. Win or lose, we've got the hand we have for a reason. We simply have to make the best of it.


As far as the kids go, I look at it this way. Consistency is key for -anything- having to do with the children. If the court sees you waffling it will look far worse on you than if you are focused on providing as much stability, consistency, and spending as much time as you possibly can with your kids. Now in and of itself the 'full weekends' are probably going to be seen as pretty trivial to the court. If she wants to litigate for full weekends, let her. If she gets them, fine.. but she's going to have to pay for it.. but the court is probably going to look at it this way: Am I going to see this woman in here every time she wants to have an extra day here and there with the kids? Am I going to have to -constantly- change this agreement that she now cannot agree to?

I find it just as likely that a good judge will tell her: This is what you agreed to, this is what the court ordered. This is how it is.

See Guy Smiley.. SHE is resisting what IS in favor of what she thinks SHOULD BE.. now... we all know where that leads.

I hear ya!!



Oh yea,,,,am in the same place on this, too! That's why it's so great to have MB all all here.

Remember, you are doing this because you are living YOUR truth and defending what is Right. Doing what is Right is often the opposite of doing what is Easy! Hang in there and confirm in your mind that your motives are in alignment.

Check your meds, run around the block, punch the bag,,,,,but don't let this OVERWHELM you! You know how to work through this kind of phase. You can do it!

No, not a TJ, Sis. Eloquently describing the thoughts that are in my head. Absurd is the right word.

Thanks, James and Bugs.

I still haven't decided how to respond.

Six of one, 1/2 dozen of the other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FWIW, I'd stick with the plan as you have it now if it is working for you and the kids. If she wants more, let her litigate for it.

She doesn't have to like it.....this certainly isn't what YOU chose. She could have been with them 100% of the time.

Take it from someone who knows.....if you are kind and try to work with her on these things, she'll just push for more and expect you to give in. Then a precedent is set. If you did it once, why couldn't you do it again, and again, and again.

Negotating trades opens the door for more communication...and reasons for her to get to you.

Maybe just a simple "no thank you. The schedule we have is working"

But then again....I'm just the pot (or the kettle).

Fox

Just to clarify, I'm NOT considering giving in because she is demanding it. What I'm mulling is

Agree to the trade because

--I could use the weekend to travel and see my friends and family--I was already thinking about taking this trip.
--Being agreeable now makes her more likely to be agreeable in a final settlement (which is also in the air right now)
--Fighting over stuff like this is against my nature

Refuse the trade because

--She will use the time to take the kids on a trip with the OM
--She was manipulative and then demanding in how she approached it. It's offensive to me, and I don't want to give in to those kinds of tactics.
--Giving in on this feels like accepting and even condoning her adultery.

A REASONABLE person might think that way. Will she? I'm not sure I'd count on this.



Sorry....can't relate to this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Actually, I guess, I can relate. Fighting over stuff like this stuff with H is foreign to me and not something I like to do. Fighting over stuff like this against the ALIEN is in my nature. Protection of my children from outsiders, including WH, is a must.

"Fighting" about it shows the children that it is NOT ok and you do not agree with what goes on with OM. If Dad's agreeable, why wouldn't the kids learn that this is all ok?



I'm on board with these. Why are these reasons not good enough?

Fox

I wouldn't assume anything about the future here, guy. Don't slip back and allow assumptions to mar your thinking. If you give her the weekend, she will just keep pushing, because to her it is a TRADE, not a favor, and she will OWE you nothing.

I would never assume that you being nice is going to win you anything in the end. Go for what you want and stick to it, even if you want to go and see your friends, it may be in the childrens' best interest for you to stay home this time.

Why are you afraid of your anger? If you were saying anything hideous above, we would call you on it. Why would you expose your kids to OM any more than you have to? It's sound thinking, guy.

Priority 1: Protect the kids for as long as you can.

Priority 2: Protect yourself.

Priority 318,672: Be agreeable and therefore enable her affair.

SD,

You don't have to reply right away.

Just sit on it a while.

Let her wait for an answer.

~ Marsh

[color:"red"]Yep[/color]

Why not reply,

"Well since you put it that way, why don't we just leave the schedule as the court ruled. Maybe later we can get to a place where we can discuss the children with their best interest in mind."

Hmmm?

I think PM has struck oil with this answer.

I like princessmeggy's thought on this, too. It makes sense. [color:"red"] YEP [/color]

[color:"red"]Yep Yep[/color]

Hmmmm.....I HATE to be the one to disagree BUT....

should she really be asked a question "why don't we". She may have plenty of reasons why she doesn't want to do that. Why open the door for more discussion? Is it up for negotiation or does sdguy have the say?

He can still be kind...."since you put it that way, I'd like to keep the arrangement....etc"

Don't give her an opportunity to slip in those cracks and argue her point. Her point doesn't matter....yours and the children's points do matter.

Fox

Wild, you make a great point. No sense in opening that door, even a crack.

Thanks, everyone, for all the input.

I had been thinking about responses like what you suggested, PM, but I was wondering whether it might be too much interaction (there are subtexts in it). At least, I think that's what I would have told the Kettle (I mean Fox) if I had seen her write it.

How about this?

"Since you put it that way, I think I choose to keep the court-appointed schedule this time and not trade Sundays."

Don't "think", Pot, be firm.

"Since you put it that way, I choose to keep the court-appointed schedule this time and not trade Sundays"

Don't show weakness....she's a piranha and will smell blood.

Be kind...but be firm.

Kettle (Fox)

Okay.

What does it say about these situations that we would be better off if the WS had died? I'm not sure that my kids wouldn't be better off if the SCQ had died.

I feel lousy. On the bright side, I can feel the pounds coming off.