Heh.. funny how something like this changes your outlook on things.

I've always been a pretty laid back guy myself, and now when things seem like they're going to pot here at work and everyone is running around like the sky is falling, I'm just calm through the storm. Heck.. I'm going through worse than this right now.

You're a survivor Guy Smiley.. just like the rest of us BS's with SCQ's and IQ's to deal with.. honestly, I believe that our small journey through ****** and our perseverance to hold true to ourselves and to our faith in love, God, and marraige.. we'll find ourselves rewarded in the end, either with a better life here.. or a better life once this one has come to conclusion.

Glad to hear things are good with you, and the kids are back home safe.

DS7 called and left messages on both my cell and house phone. They are carving pumpkins over at the SCQ's place and he wanted to see how I was doing. I called back and told him that I am okay, but that I am sad they are not here for pumpkin carving and won't be for Halloween. He said he was, too.

I went back and forth on whether to buy and carve my own pumpkin but wound up getting one. Probably I'll carve it tomorrow.

GuySmiley,

Definately carve yourself a pumpkin! Everyone needs an empty shell with the guts scooped out and a flickering light inside,,,,,OOPS, we already have that in our WS's don't we??

Ok, maybe that wasn't really very funny - Sorry!

It's hard at times like this, when we are forced to change the 'traditions' of special moments with our family, I know. DD brought that up to my Sis last night when she took her out Trick or Treating (we get 2 nights of it where I live).

I'm sorry you won't have your kiddos with you tonight. Did you make up special bags of things from you for them? Do something new and special this year for yourself and them as a new tradition.

It was too sweet of DS7 to be thinking of you. You have some GREAT kids - - because you are a GREAT dad!

LOL. At first I thought you were talking about me, but it's funny either way.

Great idea on making up special bags for them. Thanks!

"Exxxxxxxcellent" - Monty Burns

One of the best and most accurate descriptions of a Wayward ever!

Careful with the flickering candle, it's still fire season.

Triggered again. My lawyer received a letter from her lawyer about changing the weekends. Says if they don't hear from us within a couple of weeks that they'll file a motion with the court to revisit it. I was already feeling twitchy this morning (maybe because of my son's calls last night), and this just adds to it. It's all buzzing around in my head again.

Sigh.

Awww...sorry sd. Sometimes it feels like it never ends, doesn't it?

What does your lawyer say?

My attorney was always really honest with me...he's been doing divorces for 34 years, so he had a pretty good idea about which way things would go. Some things were worth fighting for, and other things were not. Unwinnable things are not worth fighting for....no matter how unfair they are.

Is there another perspective that you can take on this that makes it more palatable? For instance, what's the WORST that can happen? Is it the end of the world for the kids? Is there anything that YOU can do to make it less worse?

If I remember correctly, your biggest concern is that the kids will be free to go off on weekends with SCQ and POSOM. That would be a huge issue for me as well, and one I will likely face soon.

Just do what you have to do--so that even if you lose this battle, you can put your head down at night and know that you did everything you could do.

Here's my question...say you don't respond, and they file a motion. How long does that take to go through all the hoops of bureaucracy? If you have to get a court date, etc., it could take a loooong time. ??

How are your meds? You were saying the other day that you were feeling like something biochemical was going on. Did that ever abate?

This is a rollercoaster. Yuck.

Thanks, Sis.

I think that my lawyer thinks that what she's asking for is reasonable and not worth going to court over. The transfer is Sunday at noon, so neither of us has a whole weekend (either with or without the kids) unless we arrange it with the other one, and while it hasn't been a problem for me to arrange things with her, she has not done the same (presumably because she only wants to take the kids on adulterous activities, and she knows I won't approve).

Obviously, this schedule can't go on forever, but the way it's set up right now, if I give up my Sunday so that she can have a whole weekend, it's five days in a row where I don't see my kids. My daughter is 4. I think that's too long, and my psychiatrist agreed with me.

It's just all so draining. So tempting to just get the divorce over with and/or spell out all of my concerns to the SCQ. Why am I still doing this? People say "you'll know when you're done," but will I know when I should be done? There's the noble/admirable aspect to what we're doing, but when does it become stupid? Did I already pass that point? Maybe I should call Jennifer again.

Anyway, I think I'll tell my lawyer to offer up one full weekend every other month starting in February of next year. If they don't like it, we can go to court.

The biochemistry. . . I'm not sure. It feels different than it did before. I think it's getting better. Now I feel kind of slow and thick-headed most of the time, but I think my sleep has been messed up, too. Today I feel broken, but I'll feel better as the day goes along. And I think I got some stuff out, which always helps.

How are you doing, Sis? I was about to dig your thread out for you.

SD,

So sorry about the trigger. I understand about having to go too long without those little ones with us!

If I were you (which obviously I am not), but if it were ME, and it was something I didn't want, then I'd make her absolutely WORK for it. I'd force her to file the motion or whatever she has to do. IF it is that important to me.

Her A is likely telling her the same thing,,,,,it's not worth going to court over and therefore, they expect your A to tell you the same so that you just agree.

It's your call,,,,

Hey, get that Pumpkin Scoop out and clear your head! he he!

Seriously, I hope you are feeling a bit better!

{{SD}}

I had forgotten about the long stretch of days apart. That is, I'm sure, a non-negotiable. Weekend, schmeekends...just make sure that you are a far more regular presence in their lives than once every five days.

More later on the resignation thing...kids just arrived...

My feeling is that "knowing you're done" isn't like a light switch flipping. It's more the dimmer bulb phenomenon. In time (soon?), we will look back and think...wait a minute...I truly do not WANT that person in my life anymore. S/he has become so unrecognizable, and has been so awful to me and my children that even if I am able to forgive, I just don't want to live with that baggage.

I KNOW that I gave everything I had to try to save my marriage. I KNOW this. I can't be ashamed. I give WH every opportunity. I am okay with myself. My integrity is intact. This is the noble/admirable thing.

You can say the same.

Keep in mind that if you are thinking of being dark as just being noble/admirable, you are missing the fact that it is protecting you, too. You don't need to have contact with SCQ...all she does is make you feel like [censored], makes you angry, makes you hurt.

So if it's important that you are not just doing this to be noble, think of it as taking care of yourself.

I think you know you are done when you come to a place where the balance shifts. It's not all or nothing. It's like a teeter totter, and it's at the tipping point, and can wobble either way for a while. Eventually it will tip fully toward the place of DONE.

IMO.

Anyway, the one full weekend every other month starting in February of next year sounds fair.

About the biochemistry thing...I am much more tuned in to the times I might be vulnerable, and sort of prep myself for them. Like certain times of the month, or when the boys are gone, or I have a couple of really long days in a row.

When I get stressed out, I'm vulnerable to the negativity...both from within and without.

Gotta go make sure all the hair paint came off in the shower...

Thanks, Sis. I'll process this later. Just got home, did a really quick pumpkin carving (but it still looks pretty good), and got the candy ready.

I think if my kids come trick-or-treating to our door I'm going to cry.

Okay, so I'm cool. I got compliments on my pumpkin-carving job, went down and hung out with neighbors, and had a pretty good evening.

(((guy)))

You're in a tight spot! I think that your suggestion for one weekend every other month is a good one. Be firm on what you want. If you can afford it, don't give in on what you cannot agree with, fight it, go to court.

Don't project into the future and think on what may or may not happen, just think on what is best for your situation and your children RIGHT NOW--TODAY, and act on that.

I think you nailed it with your post, Sis, on the Done-ness thing. I thought I might have a yeah-buttal on it, but I really don't.

Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to be done. I could say what I want to say without thinking about whether it is LB'ing, for one thing.

But I'm just not done. I think again about how stupid this is--the split time custody. Sometimes I think maybe it's a curse that I know what I do about affairs--that at best the SCQ and the POSOM will have a dysfunctional relationship and that it will very likely completely implode at some point. What's best for my kids is if I'm still around. If I didn't know what I know, I could/would have walked out ages ago.

Just whining. Going to go get my kids and enjoy them. I get the whole weekend. (She asked me if I would still keep them for the weekend and that she would still like a whole weekend if I would reconsider the swap. I said yes, I'd keep them and that I'd think about the swap.)

Hey, you shovel packin', Batmobile drivin', cape wearin', fire escapin', pumpkin carvin', kid lovin'.......damn, that's all I got. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



The Done-ness things reminds me of the energy saving lightbulbs. Flip the switch...and wait...and wait... and it flickers and stutters and gradually gets to full brightness. It's a lightbulb....just not an instant one.

What's a "yeah-buttal"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My first reaction to your suggestion of a full weekend every other month was NO, NO, NO! DON'T GIVE IN!

My initial thought was that if you offer it up then you are agreeing that spending a whole weekend with POSOM and SCQ is okay. And if it can be done every other month, why can't it be done every month?

Just a thought....I'll admit to being a bit hypersensitive about setting precedents.

Also...about your lawyer not thinking it is worth going to court over: do what YOU think is right for you and your children. Lawyers are paid no matter what the end result is, you and your children have to live with the decision. Consider their advice, of course, but don't discount your own wants/needs.

You sound good, I'm glad to hear it.

Fox

So you did guess who I thought of as I typed that. Thanks for stopping by, Fox.

The infamous status conference (originally scheduled for something like March and pushed back 5 or 6 times--most recently because of the fires) is now on Monday. My lawyer asked me for my thoughts on rescheduling weekends, since he will likely have sidebar conversation with the SCQ's lawyer, and reminded me that whatever decisions are made will be based on the best interests of the children. Here's what I sent him:

Sounds well thought out.

Good luck Monday. Keep us posted.

Thanks. I don't have to show up. It's just the lawyers and the judge.

Well that's even better!

Personally, I never want to see the Jefferson County Court House again.