minwife - If you don't want to be married to your husband, then sign the papers and be done with the marriage.

BUT, if you really would like to see your husband repent and return to the marriage do NOT sign anything. Make it as hard as you can for your husband to divorce you.

I get the sense that you don't like conflict and that you place "embarrasement" on too high of a level. It is NOT you who should be embarrassed, it is your husband.

You need to STAND for God, and that includes opposing your husband's attempts to deceive everyone and willfully sin against God.

If you want to save your marriage, then your focus needs to shift from "self" to your husband's soul. If you love him, will you let him slide into perdition without a "fight," a "struggle for his soul?"

Now is not the time to fold up your tent and go home. Now is your time to prepare for a pitched battle with Satan over your husband's soul. Don't you think that Mary might have felt a little "embarrassed" to be pregnant without first having been married to Joseph? But she knew that "embarrassment" was a "small price to pay" for humble submission to God's will and for standing in obedience to God's commands and teaching.

Be willing to stand for God and to enlist the aid, not just the sympathy and prayers of others who know Christ. God's Word gives you the "sword" and God's strength gives you the ability to "do everything through him (Christ) who gives me (his) strength."

Meet with Pastor. Get all the facts and ask him to stand on his obligation to God in Matthew 18:15-20.

Make it plain that your husband needs to repent to God and that forgiveness awaits him.

God bless.

Go above your pastor, its a shame that this happens in a church

Minwife - in addition to what FH has said, let me add.....

1. God HAS ALREADY put you together
2. God Hates divorce and does not have divorce in his plans for you.
3. God does have something better - a loving marriage with your husband.

It is within your rights to divorce him - but this needs to be your choice, not you feeling like you are forced to do it. And please spare me dressing this up as God's will - it clearly isn't.

What exposure of this affair have you done in your church? I would say almost none if he is still working there.

You are not powerless in this. You can turn this around by taking positive action. Lying back and letting events overtake you is not goingto get the job done any better now than it has in the past. This is a time to exercise your faith, gird your loins and FIGHT!!

Minwife,

You have said that your H is very good at downplaying his involvement w/ OW. But I have to ask...what reason is he giving the leadership of the church for his filing for divorce. Scripture is very clear that there is only one valid reason for divorce and even then, God would prefer that things be restored instead.

Please, Minwife, heed the advice you are being given here. Do NOT just lie down and wait for all of this to be over; the outcome will not be very good if you do. Go to the leadership of the church and make a fuss. Create a scene that must be addressed. If you do not expose this to the church, you are not only giving up your marriage, but also allowing an adulterer to be in a position of authority in the church.

BTW, when I say "make a fuss" and "create a scene" I mean to do so in a calm, calculated manor that leaves no possibility for misinterpretation on the part of those present. You don't need to be a screaming shrew, but please don't just roll over and let this pass.

Mark

Minwife,

To reiterate: God has already put you and your husband together. God has brought you to this site. Take advantage of the advice and techniques offered here, and fight for your marriage.

And from a practical view---you would do very well to get coaching from the Harley's. It is worth every penny---they will help motivate you, explain and clarify the situation you face, and be with you on this journey. It's so important to have a coach who cares, who knows, and who understands the situation and can help develop a gameplan with you (is the Super Bowl on today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />).

Seriously---I worked with Steve many years ago. It was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

God bless you...

((minwife))

I feel for what you are going through.

I do agree with those here who say you need to go to the church leadership and let them deal with the fact that your WH has filed divorce papers. They need to be able to follow through biblically to keep their church aligned with God's teachings. You aren't doing anything wrong by letting them know.

Sometimes the things we need to do to obey God are scary.
But His promises are true. You won't do it alone.

I understand your hurt and confusion. I cling to the truth that God gave us free will. He didn't make this happen to us, but He allows others to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices cause others pain. His promise is that He will make all things "work together for good" if we turn it over to Him.

God hurts for you too.

minwife,

The up and down feelings you are having are very normal. One day you have the strength to stand up and say "NO, I will not let the enemy rob me of my M." The next you are ready to give in and quit fighting. I felt like this a lot at first. I feel like I am more even now, but there are still those "days".

I want to encourage you to BE STILL! WAIT! God is still in control. He does desire for restoration to take place. Just because your WH is driving down the wrong road does not mean that you should pack his bags and give him gas money for the journey. STAND FIRM! God is faithful.

God is also a BIG God. We often forget that He created the universe. Nothing is too difficult for Him. We often don't realize that we are settling for a drop of water when God has the oceans at His command. He can do MIRACLES.

Do not give up...STAND FIRM!

You are recieving very wise counsel here..don't let it pass you by.

IHC

Hello all,

Just wanted to update you on what has been going on in my life. My divorce will be final this month. I have had very little communication with my husband. He cannot even look me in the eye when he is speaking to me. He is still living with his mother and I am in the process of moving to my new place. Even though I have gone to the Pastor of my church, nothing has been done. I don't even think that anyone has even tried to minister to my husband. I continue to pray for him everyday because I feel that if I don't then no one will. My husband is still dating the woman that he left our marriage for (even though he says that is not the reason we were having problems in our marriage). She is a member of the church and to people who know me, it is very obvious that something is going on. She is always around him, she tries to sit with my husband's family during service and has also tried to be friends with my friends. I think that my husband has pointed her to the key people so that they can approve of her. I found out that my husband preached last Sunday on salvation. When I heard that he was preaching, that help me confirm that I was making the right decision to leave the church. I am very disappointed in the Pastor of my previous church because he allowed a known adulter to preach in his church. I don't think that my husband has been convicted. I don't think that he has asked for repentance. Actually, I'm not exactly sure what conviction looks like. What I do know is that he does not see anything wrong with what he is doing. My friend told me that he looks happy and there was something strange about that to her. I am so afraid for my husband. It scares me that he thinks all of this is okay and just a part of life.

I am still feeling sad about the divorce but I have been working with a support group that is helping me get through the infidelity issue. I have days when I feel like God has forgotten about me. I feel like I have been suffering for so long and it doesn't seem like the pain is going away. Then I hear about how happy my husband is. He makes me feel like I was standing in the way of his happiness.

So, I am taking one day at a time. I hope that the hard part is over and now I can look forward to how God will use me to help other people.

((minwife))

Thanks for the update. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by praying for your WH, switching churches, and seeking support.

By tolerating someone who is actively involved in unrepentant sin in a ministry position of any kind, your former church is showing that they are unwilling to follow God's word outlined in 1 Timothy 3 for church leadership. That's a place you don't want to be. Whatever their reasons, it isn't biblical.

As far as any one reaching out to your WH, you may not ever know how many have tried. Perhaps your WH is ignoring them. Perhaps God is setting things and people in place for when that time comes. I know how frustrating it is when your WH has a call from God and you know they have willingly walked out of God's will. I'm in the same place with my WH. Just when I had given up hope that my WH's heart was open to God's leading, I learned through my BIL that another former minister who is now back working construction for the same reasons had a talk with my WH. WH told this man he couldn't forgive himself. The former min ended up at a jobsite where my BIL was superintendent and let him know what he had said and heard. Even though my WH refused to hear what this man offered him (a reminder of God's forgiveness) I was reassured that God is still putting people in WH's life even though he has cut himself off from all family and friends who knew him before.

The biggest thing to remember is that your WH is God's Prodigal, not yours. Even Jonah got spit back up on shore.

Keep praying for him. Pray that God's will be done in his life. Let God decide what that looks like. Once I got to that point in my prayers for my WH I was able to release him to God's capable care and discipline.

Two books that really helped me when things were so hard for me were When He Leaves. It's written by two Christian women who have been through this too. Another one that helped was In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart by Billy Graham's daughter.

I too will be D this week. I've also switched churches. My DS15 was ready to go to a different youth group. It's the church where I went to DivorceCare so I already know people there.

I'm glad you are looking forward to letting God use this experience to help others. He will. I've seen that already in my life. Even before all this chaos had calmed down, I invited to women from my old church to the support group with me.

A verse for you as you look towards the future.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God." 2 Cor 1:3-4

Blessings on you.

Good Morning Minwife -

I don't think I have posted to you before, but let me say that I have read your sitch and I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

My XW and I were heavily involved in our church and active Christians, having raised our kids in a conservative Christian home. It was her who lead me to the Lord some 30 years ago.

Of her 2 EA's, the first was with a man in our church.

Let me say that the power of denial can be much, much stronger than one would imagine. The justification of why it's okay...and the denial that anything is wrong with the actions of the WS can be mindboggling.

With me....I had always trusted XW so much that I began to believe that she was right..there was nothing wrong with her actions and I was the one wrong. I began to take on her warped sense of reasoning....

It is for this reason that I am writing to you today. You say:

"Then I hear about how happy my husband is. He makes me feel like I was standing in the way of his happiness."

Don't believe it for a moment and don't allow your foundation to be undermined. You have been a faithful and supportive wife to a man who said he was called by God. If he is happier now it is because he is validating that Satan comes to us as an angel of light....hence the beauty of temptation. However...you and I both know (as Christians) that his new-found happiness will be temporal and the mortgage payment on his new lease on life will come due...and he will not be able to sustain his facade in the long haul.

Don't allow yourself to be sucked into his illusion. Let him own it...you stand firm on your solid ground.

I think my XW is now fairly miserable as (it seems to me) most WS's end up.

Keep the faith...

Georgia