That's part of plan B, but that's not the "best" part. The part that's most beneficial for you - getting yourself on an even emotional keel - is separating yourself from her drama. You no longer meet any of her needs - you force the OM 2 do that, which he will not enjoy doing for long. You focus on doing things for yourself (and your kids). Find out who you are without the attachment 2 your WW - which, after all, is about 2 legally end if she doesn't choose 2 stop the DV anyway. My guess is that the DV will go forward, and if you do reconcile it'll likely be months or even years after. People have done it many times on here.


NO! You remove yourself from the fight. You refuse 2 fight FOR HER, but you keep fighting for your right 2 raise your kids.


First and foremost, you learn how 2 be whole by yourself. You learn the difference between loneliness and soli2de and realize you can enjoy being alone. After all, it's better than trying 2 entice someone who's having an A 2 want 2 end the A when they get the needs they want met from both of you (and the OM is only all 2 happy 2 get his fix by letting you meet the needs he can't or won't).

you learn 2 detach with love. You learn that a healthy marriage is a commitment between 2 healthy individuals - not between 2 needy individuals who can't be complete without a partner.


Good, because you don't want your oldest daughter thinking she isn't as "completely" your daughter as the other 2.


This tells me something of her character. I would submit 2 you that, even though she wasn't married 2 this man, she was having an affair with you when you first started dating. You may have been an unwitting OM in the process.

You may have more of a struggle 2 recover with someone with this kind of background. Not that you can't recover, but it suggests she had some emotional baggage she brought in2 the relationship with you that she's never fully dealt with - and it's coming back 2 haunt her (and you) now.

best,
-ol' 2long

Good morning all,

Well, I went to the house last night and told the kids I was leaving because mommy did not want to be married to me anymore. My oldest already knows WW is seeing someone else. My 4 y/o boy asked me why I was crying as he saw some tears on my face, I told him it was because I did not want to leave. Early on in this, I was gone for 2 weeks and came to take the kids to dinner several times, my 4 y/o must be remembering this as he asked if I would go to a resturant with him when I returned.

My 14 y/o was sad but she is so strong. When I went to give final hugs, I was crying, she pats me on the back and says, "it's Ok Dad, just calm down". I had to go to the porch and sob.

I have been thinking about all the posts yesterday. You people are right on many levels. I still have not done my B letter and could return home and god knows I want to, but I do not want to meet her needs anymore. At least not until she will reciprocate them back to me.

As I left the house last night, I drove the 45 minutes to my mothers, I was going over and over in my head what I should do. Was I making the right desicion to leave and go to plan B or should I return home and plan A. How do you decide which action will get the desired results?

I have never been super religious. I did grow up with a mother that is. I remember reading here that sometimes you must give it all over to god. I started thinking, which way do I go, back home to my disrupted family or to my mothers. Something inside me told me that the place the devil would want me least is at my mothers home.

Anyway, I am going to seperate my emotions from the financial side of this. I am going to get the best deal as I can in this. I am going to call my attorney today and see about winning custody and my chances there. I want to live with my childeren full time. I will no longer fight for my WW's love. I will fight for my childeren's best interests. If this requires me to move back home and change jobs to better hours, albeit less pay, then so be it.

I must go do some work for a few hours but will be back to post how I feel.

Good Morning! I'm sooo sorry that you had to go through that with your kids.

I strongly feel that Plan B is your best option right now; however, I don't feel that you are the one that needs to move out!

I'm very happy that you have decided to fight this...I'm not sure but I know in my state you can have the OP removed from the house...petition for removal...legally force her out...then she really has to deal with her A. Please ask your attorney about this.

I hope that you are able to get your head and heart in sync. I can't imagine how hard this is for you!

(((((A2)))))

Wishing you the best!

Alrey,

I still feel the same way as above. I think you may be making a mistake legally and it may be seen as abandonment of your family. I feel certain that her lawyers will use that against you. It may hurt your chances for any kind of fair settlement in custody hearings. JMO.

You really need to see a lawyer and get some good advice.

Throw her clothes on the front lawn, change the locks and STAY HOME!

YOU need to be the one fighting for family as she runs around with this kid. You have the deck in your favor. Keep it that way.

Moving out deems you powerless!

STOP BEING A PUSHOVER!!!

Confront the kid, but don't get physical. Confront his MOTHER. I'd think a 23 YO kid would RUN with just a few inconveniences put in his path.

I do have Italian blood.....may you find some of mine now.
C

Second That!!!!!!!!!!

So, is it concenses that I return home to plan A her and protect my children until the day of the final divorce decree. At such time if I lose custody and the home, then I plan B? Plan B as a divorcee?

Also, I talked to my attorney today. See when I went to the house last night to say good bye to my kids, the kids told me mom had called and said she would not make it for supper and they should eat summer sausage and crackers. I was there until 7:30 and the kids started back school from Christmas break the next day(today). Bed time is 8:00 for the little ones. I do not know what time my WW got home she told me today 7:30 but I was there until then. I told my attorney that I did not think I could honor the mediation agreement on child custody if this is how she acted when she thought I would not be there.

He told me to document it and if we can show a pattern, this is good evidence. I asked about being gone from the home for the next 2 months if this would hurt me legally in regards to the custody. He says no and in fact being gone will give her more rope to hang herself with. The problem I have not being there is I can not see what she is doing all the time to document. The problem with being there is then she has me to say "well he was home with them". We need to show how she acts when I am not there

Stupidly, I answered her call today and kind of argued with her about last night and the kids. So much for my work in Plan A. She ended up hang up when I told her I was coming back home to protect my kids. She said I make stuff up about how she raises them and she has never neglected them.

Anyway now I am even more lost as to what to do.

NO...No PLan A...kiss her @ss out...that's what I'm talking about enabling her A...you are allowing her to continue her A in your present...effecting not only you but the kids...

Your kids NEED one stable parent and right now that NOT your W...

I'm not trying to be pushy...really I'm not...thing is with her out of the house her A really affects her...you can also document after she out of the house...what kind of parent she is...

Do you feel that it's safe to leave the kids alone for hours on end with you 45 minutes away...

I remember my mother being gone ALL night once...I can remember thinking that she was in an accident, dead, etc...that was tramaic for me...What can this do to your kids?

Rinder,

I see your point that it would really effect the affair if she was out of home and away from the kids but really, how on earth could I get her to leave. I told her before that she should leave, not me. She says that she would but she is on the loan docs for the morgage and she will not leave the morgage to me to pay because I could hurt her credit. Also she says she would take the kids with her.

So, how do you make someone leave the home when they refuse?

I am not trying to be dificult but I don't see it happening!

Did you ask your lawyer about the petition for removal?


I understand THIS is a difficult sitch! I admire your strenght up to this point.

I'm speaking out of care and concern.

I am worried about your DS14...she is being put in the position of having to 'Take care" of her sibling...to a child this is controlling them...teaching her unhealthy habits/patterns for down the road...

I'm sure that she is intelligent, and responsible enough to care for them...but in extreme cases like a fire while they sleep should something happen to one on those kids...she could feel that IT IS HER FAULT...

Please consult your laywer again...ask about the mortgage...and how you can set it up for your WW to pay you child support to help paid for things like the mortgage...

Supporting you...offering you a different POV...

Don't try to make her leave just get yourself home and protect your kids.

Document everything she is doing.

She will do it whether you are there or not. But your kids needs you at home.

And by the way I would get another opinion about abandonment. It has happened before in numerous other cases such as yours. The BS leaves because they can't be at home for what ever reason then the WS lawyers use it against the BS.

Everytime she is out with OM, drop her [censored] to the curb. Don't be afraid of a WW. Let her know that this isn't acceptable as long as you are married. Eventually she'll either break it off or move out. Enact and enforce some marital boundaries. Don't let your WW, stinking with the stench of adultery and sex, enter the home and be around your children. Do whatever is legal and tip-toe right up to the line. Women cannot love a man they don't respect. She doesn't respect you. If you do this, at least she'll respect you. I would also hire a PI to watch this punk kid cheat on your WW. If you want to save your family it is all out war.

Yesterday I thought I had it all figured out. I would move to plan B and make her miss me. Now I don't know. It should still be plan B, but her out. Not sure how to get her out.

If I go to the house and stay for the kids, with her there, I will either need to plan A her or fight to try and get her out. Or do I ingnore her completely with the D ever approaching.

Gosh this is impossible. I think I should have stayed Plan A. At least we got along even if she was faking it. I still think some things were getting through.

Easier still would be to move out and on and forget I ever knew her.

Yes, I know the respect thing is big. I kinda thought leaving her and sticking to it would gain some respect from her. Man she would blow a gasket if I threw her stuff out.

This would be your old brain, the part that makes us want to fight or flight...

Your new brain knows that there are other options available to you.

How about plan F-U? That's the plan your WW is using and I think the plan Jim is referring to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Second that Again.

You need to take a stand somwhere. Moving out is not a stand it is caving in.

With you out she will sooner than you think be bringing the little boy over to play.

So what, what is she going to do, cheat on you? Oh wait, she already is. I guess there's nothing more to be afraid of.

A2 worte:
Gosh this is impossible. I think I should have stayed Plan A. At least we got along even if she was faking it. I still think some things were getting through.


M2L:

At least you got along. WHAT? You get along while some punk a55 kid is getting it on with your wife.

Stand up and let them hear you today!!!! You are the H and father - time to man up. It is not easy, he(( if it were easy this site would not need to be here.


Come on man