Just got another email from WH....

I was supposed to meet with my lawyer last week but it was rescheduled for tomorrow, which I already communicated with WH about. This is just a scheduling conflict and I am not trying to drag this settlement. WH said he understood and thanked me for the update. Besides, initially he was supposed to agree on our agreement over a year ago, but he backed off. He approached me last year after his DUI and before the tax return that he wanted to come home. He backed off. Then he got an accident and again it's a tax return season and he wants to settle...., again, he backed off from our first agreement. But now he wants me to move as quickly as possible. Why is it always on his term? Yet he thinks I'm being so unreasonable, selfish, etc. WHY???

In his email he said "You'll be gone next week. I have tried to make this an easy decision but it seems like it’s taking you and your lawyer considerable time to see this…

I need for you to agree so that we can move on…."

Why I'm always the bad person? Why can't he see that he has broken so many promises but ALWAYS expects me to keep mine? And I have, I have always kept my words, but they were not appreciated. He kept breaking his promises, yet I was too 'up-tight' to point that out. Was his love for me that shallow? What does a 'family' mean to him? What does 'honesty' mean to him? Or am I really over-reacting? Should I have said "oh, you have been smoking pot, but that's not a big deal" and let go? Am I too serious? Because I'm from another country where I was not used to see drugs so this is a cultural difference? I don't know what to think anymore.....

Milk

milk

i've got the answer to all of your questions

because sometimes men are just idiots!!

***the anti-discriminatory statement below resolves me of all financial recourse from the above statement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ps
as a woman who admits to making many mistakes in my marriage, i can also say.....sometimes women are idiots too

Thanks Eav. WH called last night for DS4 (but I KNOW he actually wanted to ask me if I would be accepting his offer!!!) and also asked me if I had received his email. I told him I hadn't met my lawyer yet and WH said "oh, I didn't know". Ooooookay, didn't I tell him that last week? When I asked him that, he denied it first and then said "well, I don't remember...". That's right, I have forgotten about this......, memory is not something WH was ever good at. Sigh.

I'll be fine, I think, this afternoon. Yes it stinks that I am spending my time and money to meet with my attorney so that we can potentially finalize our settlement agreement to 'complete' breaking up our family. Isn't that something. BUT, I am not going to run away from it any more. I did everything I could do, and WH chose this path, which is something he has to live with the rest of his life. DS4 is too small right now to understand any of this, and I am not going to bad mouth his father, but, he is a smart boy. He will eventually figure this out - his father's addictions, love letters to other women, his signing up for multiple online dating services while we were still together....., and he blamed me for his unhappiness...., that he broke so many promises...., and yet he is the one who filed for divorce.

I will try to remain strong. Eav, you are right, we could be wrong, making mistakes, not giving enough attention to men, etc., but men can just simply be idiots!!! Many of them remain 3-year-old inside... My DS4's behaviors and thinking patterns resemble those of WH's often, really.

Milk

I just came back from my meeting with my attorney.

It was a good meeting. I prayed before my meeting and was able to remain calm and did not get emotional at all.

I am getting more in assets, and in return, I told him that I would not demand 50% of school, extra curriculum, medical bills, etc., from WH. He said it's part of WH's responsibility as a father, but I told him I do make comfortable amount of money and instead WH has always been cash poor, so I do not need his money. I do not want to go through pain of retaining every tiny receipt to turn them to WH for him to pay a portion of it. And if he is late in payment or does not pay it at all, I will only get frustrated, hurt, upset, etc. It's just not worth it. I do not want to live the rest of my life like that. So I rather pay a premium so that WH and I can remain friends and we can minimize our future drama.

I felt good. I emailed WH to let him know that we'll be working on our settlement agreement. He should feel relieved by this news.

On my way back from the meeting, this is how I felt:

"I thank WH, despite what happened to us in the end. I did have good time with him, and I thank him for staying behind me for this long. He has issues, but after all I do not think he was a bad person. So I thank him and also God for that. I hope he had good memories with me too. And some of the things I did or did not do for WH, I hope I am making up for it by agreeing to this divorce in the end in a peaceful manner. I hope at least I am paying my price for my crime. I hope WH will forgive me for my crime. I hope I will learn from this and will become a better person. And I hope WH will always love DS4"

...and I think WH will. I think he will always love DS4.

Milk

Am I too serious? Because I'm from another country where I was not used to see drugs so this is a cultural difference? I don't know what to think anymore.....

You do too know what to think -
Right and wrong do not change from country to country. Only peoples perception changes. I applaud your high standards, and I recommend you look for a man who has the same. There are still a few out there.

I am sorry for what has happened. I know it has been very difficult. We tend to deal with the facts here, and what you could do, or might do.

We haven't talked much lately about how you must feel. Not having been where you are, I can only imagine, but I do know it must be very hard to have it come to this.

I do hope you have a weekend.
Thanks for the info about your family. If I ever meet your parents, I'll tell them what a good job I think they did when they raised you.
I hope that you and DS4 have a nice vacation planned for this year. I think you should.

As for my goals.........

I am trying to find out what God wants me to do each day, and do that. I used to have dreams about growing my business, and expanding it. I find these last few years I don't care about it so much, and I am more worried about my family, my friends, and having my life be right with God.

I want to be a good example for my children.
I don't want my W to wonder if I love her, I want her to know every day that I do. I want to show her that by how I treat her.
I suppose my goals run along these lines.
Is that what you wanted to know?

SS

Beautiful, your goals are very strong, confident, and beautiful. Thanks for sharing them SS.

And thank you for saying that my parents raised me right - it's very very sweet of you to say that. I think they taught me what's wrong and what's right - I just feel from time to time that maybe I'm too 'uptight', as WH used to call me and that might annoy American men...., I have heard from others that doing some drugs is not such a big deal, lusting over other women (as long as they do not actually cheat) is not a big deal, etc., and I began to feel that my strict rules might have driven WH crazy.

I want to be a good example of my son too. I also want to raise him in a way so that he will NOT excuse his actions. Whatever the path he chooses in the future should be a result of his conscious decision and I want him to be a responsible individual who has moral.

Have a great weekend!

Milk

It sounds like I was raised much like you were, and my feelings are about the same.

I don't think any good can come from drug use, except as prescribed by a doctor for treatment of illness. I know that before we do something wrong, we must first think about it. If we kept our thoughts under control, and refused to entertain thoughts of cheating, or anything that is harmful to others or our selves, then the the harmful act would not take place.

No country in the world will prosper, or remain free if it's citizens don't practice self discipline, and self control. You know this is true.

I hope you and DS have a great weekend also. Concentrate on the good parts of your future. That's where you'll find joy in the journey.

SS

SS, Seeing your positive attitude really helps me to stand still.

I'm leaving early morning tomorrow for Europe, and just dropped off DS4 at WH's place. As always, his place is such a mess. But that's not anything new. But now he's saying that he wants to change his job (again) and also wants to get a tattoo. I know many Americans have them, but I am an old school and don't like them. But I didn't say anything to him, b/c now it's really none of my business. I just do not want DS4 to grow up thinking shooting, having tattoos and riding motorcycles is 'cool', but I can't prevent WH from doing what he wants to do in his life. I thought we used to have a very similar standard, but I guess I was wrong. WH is becoming more and more a person I cannot relate much...

Also, his iron is still on and was on top of the iron board. I asked him to switch off when he is not using, because that is only asking for an accident - I don't even want to imagine what would happen if DS4 is running around the ironing board and the hot burning iron fall on his head/face. There are just so many things I can be very concerned, but I tried not to say much, and WH shut off the iron.

I pray to God that DS4 will be safe at his dad's place for a week. I’m not sure if I’ll have time to log in next week while I’m traveling – if not, I’ll talk to you when I get back! Have a wonderful week.

Milk

I'm back - had a very good time in Europe.

It is a bit depressing, however, to see the draft of settlement agreement as one of the first things in my mailbox soon as I came back.

WH is considering changing his jobs, and said the reason is he received a very bad review. He said "including my career, I need to figure out what the ****** I want to do in my life". An interesting comment, huh? IF he was referring to our divorce and his future plan, shouldn't he have spent a lot of time making sure he knew what he was doing before pulling the big trigger?

But we all know that it's pointless to speculate. It's not like he said he wanted to reconsider about our divorce. So I just have to keep moving on.......

I have a sore throat and feel a bit chill. Hope I'm not coming down with anything..... While I was in Europe, I slept only 4 hours or so each night, so needless to say, I'm very tired.......

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

Milk

milk

he still has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up does he?

maybe he will decide he wants to be a full time H and father again

wouldn't THAT be nice?

My H siad the same things
"I'm 40 years old and i don't know what i want to do with he rest of my life."

welllll it turns out he didn't know because OW hadn't decided to leave her H and move in with him yet

as soon as she did....he figured it out pretty quickly

and now, thanks to that "rat bast*ard" i'm going to be 40 years old and i have no idea what to do with the rest of MY life

Hi Eav, good to hear from you. I don't understand people like your WH and mine! Come'on, that's such a typical MLC comment! That they don't know what they want to do???

Well, it's not like all of us here know exactly what we want to do, but at least I knew what I wanted (a stable and happy family, and a few other things;), and I was making efforts towards that. A family is very important to WH as well, and I just don't understand how he drew the conclusion (a very firm one too!) that he would be MUCH better off and this is BEST for everyone involved that we get divorced. Then why is he still depressed? Why can't he perform at work? Shouldn't he be jumping up and down with joy (as we get closer to finalizing our D) and therefore doing an awesome job at work???

If it's THAT hard for him as well, then there must have been something WRONG in his plan to start with, I think....., because if you know it's genuinely good for everyone, you tend to such up whatever your emotions and can move forward.

You are doing fine, Eav, I can tell from your posts that you are doing much better. You may not know what you want to do with the rest of your life NOW, but that's understandable. It's the transitional period for you. You haven't even decided whether you want to move closer to your family or not....there are many things you have to consider, and unlike us, you two are officially still married! That's the wild thing, of course you can't quite decide what you want to do...., you feel like everything is still up in the air.... To certain extent, I still feel the same way.

I think I'm finally getting how to 'surrender'..... And it certainly helps free myself BIG TIME!

I've been wondering about something.....

There are many beautiful women, everywhere. In my opinion, those (I'm talking about those I know personally but also those celebrities as well) husbands often end up cheating. Now, I know a few couples (sorry, I don't know that many...) that stay together forever......., and the wives are, just on the surface, not very attractive. And I have to wonder....., is the difference that those men were not attracted to the women's outside in the first place, they managed to stay in love? And those who chose beautiful women married them because of their beauty, if there are other younger & more beautiful versions pop up, they end up cheating???

I know this is a very simplistic way to view the whole mystery (??) of the affair world, but some of my friends agreed.

So, in other words, if a man approaches you saying how beautiful you are, you need to be careful in my opinion, b/c he is focusing on your appearance rather than inside..., and if a man compliment both on your inside and outside, that's a good sign??? Just wondering...

Milk

Generalities are kind of general. (grin)

I suspect you are still trying to make sense of "WHY".

As I read on MB, I can see in some cases why an A happened. IN come cases it is easy to see that there was neglect, and temptation. Over time, some people in this situation let down their guard.
In other cases, it looks like a personality defect in the one who had the A, and we can see no reason for it.

The saying goes that there are lies, dam lies, and statistics. Statistics can tell us things when taken in proper context. They can also be very misleading.

For instance, a large percentage of people who die in the United States are in the hospital when they die. One could say that your chances of staying alive would increase if you stayed out of the hospital. An even higher percentage die in bed, so if you never go to bed, you increase your chances to live.... right?

My personal opinion is that selfishness is a better measuring device than looks. If you find an unselfish person, there is much less chance they will have an A. However, that is more difficult to measure. It takes a lot of time getting to know a person in order to make a decision.

Of course, selfishness goes hand in hand with vanity. Sometimes beauty, and vanity are connected, sometimes not.

Questions for you -
You slept poorly in Europe because ?
The time difference? Or you were worried, or ??

You say you had a great time -
That begs to be expanded upon. So?

What things do you notice about DS when you come home after being gone for a week? What do you look for?
Hmmm, that is kind of vague........
Lets try again. When you travel, you would probably worry about him quite a bit. When you get back, you are happy to see him, but I would guess you watch him close to see how he is. What would be the signs that he was not OK, and What things reassure you that he is OK?

How are YOU now?
How is your self image?
When you doubt your future, or worry about it, what thoughts come to you.

Most people believe they will be mostly OK, but sometimes we have specific fears.
What are your "what if's"?

For instance, "What if I can never have a normal relationship with a man"? I don't know what yours are, but I use that as an example so you can more easily see what I mean.

When you worry, what are the "what ifs" for you?

Ah.......... questions, they never seem to end. (grin)

SS

milk

i think you ahve a good point

at least in my case anyway

it seems my H fell in love with what he saw when he looked at me

not who he saw when he looked inside of me

and now he's found someone who he loves becaue of WHO she is not what she looks like

maybe that's what he meant when he said he's different now

Thanks for your input SS and eav, and sorry I haven't had a chance to reply...

I've been pretty busy with work and also my son was sick (I heard you were too, eav, how are you?) and I had to take care of him. I always had DS4 get flu shot since he was born, and it's the first time ever that I did not do so, and boom! He got a flu. At least I had a flu shot so DS4 didn't get me sick so I could take care of him...

SS, I know what I said was pretty general, but I do think it apllies to many cases. Really, when you look around, beautiful couples tend to break up more often..., because men (ok, women too but I think in general - again - men tend to be more visual than us) are attracted to outside beauty rather than inside OR they do not care much about women's inner beauty. But as you pointed out, what I am doing is trying to make sense of all, and that is pointless, I know.

Eav, my STBX also told me when he left "next time, I will choose a woman who weighs 300 pounds but is spiritual". That hurt. So I am not spritual? But that was just a talk..., he DID go to church several times but they all told him the way he was thinking was wrong and he should not leave his family - he stopped going. And now he says he does not like those people at church who tell you what to do as if they know better. And his profile on one of the online dating services says he is looking for a 'slender' woman, so guess he is (again) not sticking to his statement...

Well so I guess there may be some tendency among men who are overly visual, but at the same time, whatever your WH and mine said to us (that they are 'different' now, etc.) could be quite fishy.

So SS, you are right, in the end, that we might be wasting our time trying to 'figure' out our WHs...., because none of their behaviors make sense anyway...

Milk

So SS, you are right, in the end, that we might be wasting our time trying to 'figure' out our WHs...., because none of their behaviors make sense anyway...

Sometimes it makes sense, but usually not.
I do think both men and women who value inner beauty will have a better and longer lasting relationship. Of course, their partner needs to have the same values.

Perhaps what bothers me the most is that you don't seem to be at peace yet. I know it takes time, I hope you get there.

What kind of time frame are you on for all these legal things to happen?

SS

Well, I think I am at peace....., I don't really think about our M or STBX much any more. The only time I get depressed about it is when I have to think about the legality of it and also when it was reminded by my little boy. STBX is wants to remain friends, and I will do so for the sake of DS4, but really, I do not think I will consider him as my friend to be honest. Friends do not betray - so what kind of friend can WH be to me? But I won't say anything about it, as I'm sure DS4 would like to see us getting along well, even after the split. Besides I'm so close to his family and still get together with them often, I do not want any sense of hostility among us.

As for the timeline - we are basically in agreement and our draft is ready. I'm waiting for STBX's lawyer to get back to us with whatever changes or questions they may have. Then once we incorporate all the changes, we are done. It is very strange to think that we will be officially divorced soon. We will be strangers, that's so weird. I call his parents mom and dad, which I'm sure will not change. But we are not family anymore. So strange.

Milk

If you feel you are at peace, that is what counts.

You are correct in that a real friend won't betray.
I think it would be difficult for me to play the part of a friend in the situation you are in.

Prayers continue.

SS

Thanks SS.

There are certain things you just cannot do to anyone, even if you hardly know him/her. If you consider him/her as your friend, there is more hesitation to do anything that you think (s)he will not appreciate. And I just don't know how WH has managed to do all what he did to me, who has spent the past 16 1/2 years together and WAS his wife of 13 1/2 years and is a mother of his child. I wonder in his mind this is a 'payback'. Because in his mind I did not treat him right, he feels he is 'entitled' to treat me badly in return...

See, I might have yelled and screamed at him out of frustration when we were living together, but I never lied to him. I was always thinking of OUR future together and OUR life together, and that is why I got frustrated often when I felt we were not on the same page (like WH's smoking pot and playing computer game all day long when I felt we should be role models to our child and also should be spending time together as a family). To me, WH's years of lying and having a secret life behind my back is a much worse crime...., but is it???

Anyway, my point is that WH's ability to have done all of this while he knew how much his lying had bothered me, the fact he continued to show this ability by not keeping his words when it comes to our divorce agreement, and his being able to tell me that he wants us to remain friends..., are truly disturbing to me. Is it HIM, or could it be ME who gives impression to others that I am not worth any respect?

Then my thinking sometimes goes around and around again..., do people tell me nice things NOT because they mean them but they think I'm an easy prey? The truth is no one truly respects me in the first place? What is the 'true' problem here??

As long as I do not think about STBX, I'm at peace, but see, when I start to connect all the 'dots', I start to wonder a lot...., and obviously my peace disappears pretty quickly.

Who am I (in the eyes of others)??? Or should I even care how I am being perceived by others? But I do want to get a realistic grip on how I am being evaluated by others.

Milk