Gee, I wrote a loooooooooooooooong reply to SS last week, and of course it disappeared!!!

SS, thanks for your kind words, as usual, and for asking about DS. DS is doing really well. I feel so blessed that I am his mother.

DS and I spent a lot of time outside this passed weekend, and had a lot of fun. Sunday we came back at around 7:40pm and soon as we entered the house, the phone rang. DS was very tired and fell asleep in the car so I did not answer it, as I figured it was from STBX.

Then I was outside, watering my lawn and flowers. Apparently STBX called two more times during that time, but I only found that out the next day. I checked my phone record over the internet (I have an internet phone) on Monday at work, and I realized that he called 5 times (!!) on Sunday. 4pm, 6pm, 7:40pm, 8:30pm, and 8:40pm. Although this time he left a message only once, and he did not yell and scream, like he did two weeks ago (for missing his calls). When he left a message, which was when he called the first time at 4pm, he sounded sad and/or depressed. He just said “hi, please call me back”. He didn’t even say “hi DS, it’s your daddy”, his usual talk.

That made me feel sad too. I felt his pain – I felt that he was feeling lonely. What was he doing at 4 in the afternoon (it was a beautiful day on Sunday!) alone in his apartment anyway??? He probably saw many outside, with family, and felt even more alone in his dark apartment. I could tell he was missing DS a lot.

I know, it’s HIS choice. He decided that he would be happier without responsibilities and wanted to be free. Yet I felt bad for him. Also he must be feeling that he is being ‘replaced’ by someone else in DS’ life.

I kept thinking yesterday why things did not work out between us – STBX loves his son, he does not do well alone, and he DID love a lot of things about me or things I brought to this relationship – whether that’s foreign culture, my family-oriented value, whatever. But he did not want to fight and gave up. Now, close to 4 years after he started to feel very unhappy about our marriage and over 2 years after he moved out, I am moving on and yet when I sense that STBX is not happy, I become unhappy too. It’s so crazy.

Then of course I felt very bad for the guy I am seeing now. He does not deserve this. None of this is his fault, and yet I was feeling sorry for STBX.

I am tired of feeling guilty all the time. I felt very bad for STBX, even for his multiple addictions and arrests – I felt that I must have made him so unhappy that bad things happened to him. I felt that I screwed up his life. And I tried to fight such thoughts, and was moving on. I found love again, and feeling being appreciated appropriately, which is a GREAT feeling. It’s great to feel again that I am making someone happy. And then STBX kept coming in and out of my life, and each time he makes this sad face, as if I am abandoning him, I feel bad tremendously. And I also feel so bad for my current b.f. And DS talks about ‘daddy’ this, ‘daddy’ that……, I feel bad that I am moving on. I even feel bad for my dog that he had to go through this. When I see my parents being happy for me again that I am moving on and having fun again – I feel great, so the minute I feel bad for STBX, I feel bad for my parents too that I am STILL tossing these backward looking ideas. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg!!!!! I want to stop feeling guilty. I know, I cannot make EVERYONE happy, but…… I wonder if I may have low self-worthiness, which makes me want to please everyone.

Then I had DS call his dad last night. STBX was very happy to hear from him, and said “I miss you sooooooooo much!” about 10 times. Then he said something about going fishing, etc., which is great for DS, but at the same time I KNEW that I was secretly hurting inside by being betrayed by my own thoughts – that STBX might want to come back. Honestly, if STBX does NOT mention about reconciliation at all, it will hurt but at the same time it will make my life so much easier. I have NO option, so just be happy and move on, period. But a part of me I think wants him to have a desire to reconcile. And I kept asking myself “why on the earth do you want him to want to come back???”, which is soooooooooooooooo pointless. He hasn’t changed and it is almost guaranteed that IF we ever get back together now, it will end up in a big huge fight/disappointment/hurt and divorce talk again. So why do I want that? I don’t! I really don’t want to waste my life anymore. Yet I know I will be hurt if I feel that STBX will be very certain about our divorce. I am so backward!!!!!!!!!!! I must be losing my mind. I can’t even be consistent in my own thoughts….

Milk

dating while married makes a very messy situation even messier

I do not understand WHY people do this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I agree Pepp. I do.

I disagree - if - you take out the word "deserve".

This "boyfriend" is knowingly dating a not-yet-divorced-woman-mother-of-a-minor-child .... and unless he is a totally clueless individual who has no social observational skills what-so-ever .... He KNOWS this is a minefield! he is DATING A MARRIED WOMAN ~~~> [color:"red"] YOU ! [/color]

and the worst part ?

Your little child gets to learn that adults have a higher priority (their own needs) that rise above the needs of a CHILD GOING THROUGH THE BREAKUP OF HIS FAMILY

It's more important to QUICKLY find someone new to DATE (replace Daddy) than it is to tend to the emotional/psychologicqal wounds of a DIVORCING CHILD

the CHILD is going through this divorce ...

It <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />pisses me off that you are dating, if you want the unvarnished truth!

It's like you come to MB and learn ~~~> (blank) about the nature of marriage, relationships, personal recovery, personal responsibility, value of family, needs of children

and I am sooooooooooooooo
disappointed

Milkshake,

consider breaking it off with your friend. The best thing for all involved right now is to be clear in mind, and involvment with another person only scews your version of things. You need a significant amount of time to transition; take it. Your son isn't equipped to deal with all of the turmoil from the separation and divorce, much less dealing with another person being involved.

Even if you have decided that the D is what you want, it's not time to pursue other people. I'm pretty sure that this other man's involvement with you doesn't make anything easier. You need time to fully get over what is happening to your family.

I want to apologize for not being the friend I should have been. Pep and SL are right. I was thinking about how to say it nicely...... but some times that doesn't work. If I had been a better friend, I would have said something sooner.

Now you have heard some things that must have hurt. I would guess it was very difficult to read, and even more difficult to think about.

What defines who we are, is not a total absence of mistakes. It is what we do about them. What will you do?

I encourage you to break off any relationships and wait until your D is final, and you have healed. I hope you are doing well this week. I hope you have been thinking, and know and understand what will be best for you, and DS.

You do know that Pep cares, or she wouldn't have posted?

I encourage you to talk about it some more.

How are you doing overall?

SS

Thank you all. I haven't posted in a while because I was travelling and then I could not find my post...

Hey, there you are! Hope you are doing well, let us know.

You will come tell us all about everything - won't you?

SS

Good to hear back from you Milk!

Come on Milk........... (SS taps foot, looks impatient.)

Ok, I'm teasing you, but we would like to know how you are.

SS

Thanks everyone. Since our office moved in June to a new building and I no longer have my own office (we are now on the new 'open floor' concept), it has been difficult for me to check this website. Everyone can see my PC screen....

Also, I have been a lot more productive both at work and home. This website has been one of the greatest support for me when I was going through the tough time, but I feel that maybe I am at a point where I should spend more time on improving my career performance, on my son, and my friends who are having some hard time and could use some of my help. In a way, I feel that this move (the office move) could be an indication that I am ready to move to another stage in my life and that I should spend less time thinking about my failed marriage and STBX. This move definitely 'forced' me to stay away from this website due to lack of privacy, and strangely it helped me minimize my sad thoughts on my relationship. During the weekend I am usually too busy to logon too. Things happen for reasons, and to me, the whole change probably happened because as long as I keep logging in, I will never stop 'looking back'. I certaily still do this, from time to time, but I do not want to spend most of my time looking into a rearview mirro. So in the end, I feel that this office move (even though I am now in a smaller space!) did good to me.

STBX and I agreed on everything and our divorce could be final within weeks. That's not a happy thing, and frankly, even STBX, who desperately wanted freedom, will not be jumping up and down once we get the final papers. BUT I truly do not think, at this point, that hanging in limbo will do any good to any of us. Also I feel that STBX and I grew so far apart now during the past two years. STBX calls only when he misses DS4, but when he is having a good time he doesn't even call for a whole week. But that is okay. DS4 is growing so much and getting stronger as a person. He knows that he is the most important thing in life for me. And I feel blessed that we - me and my son...., and also our dog - have one another and are a very strong family.

Thank you all for your support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Milk

I think it will be good for you to spend time doing the things you have outlined.

May God teach you, guide you, and help you do your very best. I believe if you do your very best, it will be good indeed.

SS

Thank you SS, you have been a great supporter and listener!!!

Milk