My wife wants a divorce, is very certain of it, and I can only think that there's still hope... I keep asking to work on things, but she constantly tells me she's made up her mind.

We've been married for almost 2 years. It's been a rough two years. There has been a lot of very serious health issues in our family; mystery illness in my wife that took her out of work for months. Stress over work and possible loosing my job during a merger. A psychotic ex-wife on my part who has done her best to manipulate my new household through my son from that marriage. A perception on the part of my wife that I do not treat her kids the same as mine and that I haven't given them enough love.

Recently I have realized that through all this, I haven't been as supportive as I would have expected from myself. I hadn't lived up to my standards. I dismissed my wife's requests to work on things, thinking it wasn't very serious. I was lazy, and thought things were fine because I had my head buried deep in the sand like an ostrich. Since this all came out in the open a little over a week ago, I feel like I've had a series of epiphanies. I’ve realized all the failures over the past couple years, and rededicated myself to living life, and treating others according the standards I had previously set. I initially felt compelled to bear the burden of these issues on my own, but have started coming to terms with the fact that my wife and I are both at least part at fault.

I have faith and confidence that she and I can work things out, but she is convinced that it’s too late, and the only thing to do is to divorce. She points to the times she tried to get me to work on things, only to have me ignore her concerns. She constantly says she is done, and she doesn’t want to get my hopes up.

So here’s the question; Is it hopeless? Is there any point in trying to get her to try, or is her mind made up? She has agreed to go to a marriage consoler with me tomorrow, but I feel it’s a one time thing on her part, and she’s only doing it because I asked, not because she thinks anything will change.

I’m stuck between hoping for some opening, and giving up.

Zenerman,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You will find a great deal of knowledge and support here. If you wish to recover your marriage, this is the best place to be.

I would suggest that you read the basic concepts first, if you haven't already done so. Be sure you understand them and the way they interrelate with each other.

It sounds as if your wife is in withdrawal mode, based on your description. Her "TAKER" has come to the forefront, based on something she has felt or perceived. If you read through some of the articles on this site, you will find that it is possible for one spouse to lead the other back from withdrawal into conflict, which is, believe it or not, an improvement. From there, it is possible to bring the spouse back into a position of actively working on repairing the marriage.

You should probably read the book "His Needs/Her Needs" by Dr Harley. You can find it from the book store on this site, at other online sources and at many Christian Book Stores. You may also find it at your local library.

Once you have a grasp of the basic concepts, you will have a better idea of what specific things you need help with. You may attempt to get your wife to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, from the book HN/HN or it can be printed from this site.

There are many other resources available here, but understand the basics first. This forum is a good place to get instruction and support, but the General Questions II (GQII) forum in the infidelity section has the most traffic and is where many of the experts hang out on a daily basis. After reading around a bit, you may want to post your questions there, just because of the increased traffic.

Again, welcome!

Mark

Hi Zenerman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A few questions, so we can understand your sitch a little better.

Why did you and your first wife split up?

How old are your and your wife's kids?

How soon after your divorce did you get married again?

Alph.

Hello Zenerman,

Welcome to MB.

There is always hope until the 11th hour but I am glad you did "wake up" and see how serious your wife is about how things were.Many times people do reach a point where there is no turning back but you still have hope: your wife will go with you to counseling.

It does take two to make a marriage work,no doubt but part of what you need to do is convince your wife that this time you mean business and will listen.If you want this second marriage to work,then fight for it.Being wishy washy will not get you where you want to go.Same goes for your wife.

Also,you need to set some firm boundaries with your ex wife so she can not poison your current marriage,through your son or otherwise.Bad behavior on her part or,manipulation as you call it,needs to be addressed with her and your son and there also needs to be consequences if certain behavior repeats.

Remember: actions speak louder than words.You need to show your wife that this time around things really will change and you can work on making your marriage just what you both want it to be,as a team.You can start,without being asked,by doing things for her and around the house that she may need help with.She will be curious but showing people change is a lot more effective than just talking the talk.It's a start.

Hang around and read the concepts too.There are many good ideas and books here to get going.

Thanks for the responses. First to answer the easy questions:

I got married about 5 years after the first divorce.

My son is 7, my step-kids 8 and 12.

Why did my first marriage end is a harder question; I firmly believe my ex-wife has a narcississtic personality disorder. The marriage was never good, she was very controling and manipulative; going so far as to screen my mail, hang up on my friends and family when they called me, etc. Even today she does things so clearly to just annoy me like sending pictures to my cell phone, or flowers to my current wife. There was even an affair on the part of my first wife, but I never thought of that as the cause fo the break up, but rather a symbol of her complete lack of respect for me.


As for this current situation, I feel that all hope is lost. The counselor on Friday did not help, if anything after the meeting my wife was headed for the door even quicker. She constantly express guilt for hurting me, and the discomfort over those feelings make her want to leave the home even quicker.

Through all the thinking, and talking with her, my friends, my pastors, the conselor, and my family, I've come to think that my wife was very depressed and sad, and it didn't have much to do with my actions, but when being with me didn't make her feel better, all the little issues she brings up were suddenly so much worse in her mind. Now she thinks she's past the point of no return.

I am so torn by just giving up, or by standing up and saying NO! Telling her I feel an overwhelming desire to continue to fight. But I fear that will send her out the door even quicker.

I'm like you, I'm the only one that wants to try and fix things. I hope that your wife will continue going to counseling with you. Don't give up hope.