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#1822916 02/08/07 07:07 PM
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Piterek Offline OP
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I met my wife-to-be in a lesbian chat room of all places. Yeah, that was stupid thinking back on all this, but I did it just out of curiosity, and simply just for fun. Heck I was single! In any case, I started talking to a girl and we became friends. There was no ulterior motive on my part. Heck she was supposedly a lesbian, so I didn’t even give it a second thought. But, I thought she was a great person otherwise, so we struck up a friendship. The feeling must have been mutual because she wanted to be friends as well. In any case, as our friendship progressed, she started to open up and started telling me that she does in fact like men. This peeked my curiosity. Now, I have to clear something up. This friendship was purely long-distance. We only talked via telephone and email because she lived out of state. This continued for several months until she had to go back home. She was from another country and was here in the US only for a job. I guess what brought this friendship together in the first place is that I’m also from the same country. So we had some cultural things in common. I’ll try to make this as short and thorough as possible, because it is a long and complicated story.

The relationship started changing between us after she left. She started telling me that she felt less and less attraction for women and was no longer feeling comfortable with this. I visited her several times after she went back home and on one of those visits friendship turned in to love. She actually lived with her parents and when I visited her I stayed in their house. We fell in love. Heck, her parents were even crazy about me as well. Since our relationship now grew into something much deeper, she no longer had any feelings or desires for women. To make a long story short, several months later she came here to the US and we got married. Everything was great until about six to eight months after the marriage. I have read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts in great detail, I almost know it by heart, so NOW, I know what went wrong and why, but at that time I had no clue that things were going to ******. Thinking back this was classic! Everyday life just got to us. We didn’t know how to manage our marriage correctly. Poor communication, spending less and less time with each other, not willing and even knowing how to address each others emotional needs, etc…..we fell out of love.

I suppose this all started because of my ever decreasing libido. My sexual desires started dwindling. Before, sex was almost everyday, later it was less and less frequent. Being a young and energetic woman, she needed it more and I was not giving it to her. I know now that it was stress related. But not knowing the problem then, or trying to live in denial, hoping that things will somehow fix themselves, the situation got worse and worse, until I started to discover that she was having an EA with another woman. An internet affair. The girl was from our home country, so because of the distance there was no threat of a PA. I obviously was angry and very disappointed. I started trusting her less, but forgave her. Things were not changing between us, our problems were not being addressed still. That summer we went to visit her family back home. Due to work constraints I could not stay long, but she was in college (still is), so she had the summer off. She stayed an additional week. About a month after the trip, I later found out through her sister that she used that week to visit in person that OW. This devastated me, but I did confront her. She did not deny it but said that nothing happened. Both her parents and that OW parents actually got involved as well. They confirmed that it was impossible for anything physical to happen because they were always in their presence. Regardless, whether it was a PA or EA, it did happen. A line was crossed! I almost threw her out. It was an intense time. She promised not to do it again. I somehow got over it. Never forgot it though. There was now very little trust left. But we continued to live our lives, not much changed. She continued to blame me for our problems saying that it’s because she was not getting any sex. I was ashamed of the situation because I thought that I could not satisfy my wife. I kept thinking that it was almost justified what she did. But for some reason, I could not snap out of it. I kept living in denial, doing nothing to help our situation. So, this was about two years ago…and that’s how we continued to live until the present.

My wife frequently expressed interest in the military. Even in the beginning she said that she would like to join the ARMY at some point. I was not comfortable with this, especially with all the crap that’s going on in the world. The issue kind of died for a period of time until she joined the ROTC program at out local University. This was last Fall semester (Fall 2006). Things were so bad now that she was very egotistical about her feelings and all her decisions. My opinions no longer counted. We were so withdrawn at this point that I became accustomed to all this and even accepting of the situation. But divorce was never in our conversations. Well, the ROTC recruiters must have done a nice brainwashing session on her because they convinced her to join Army Reserves. On January 9, she left for Basic Training. She will not be back until end of May.

And here is the latest problem…On January 22, I had to pay her cell phone bill (I actually pay all the bills). The bill was unusually large. Since she was not available anymore, I could not talk to her about it. But I noticed that there was many reoccurring numbers. But she has many friends so it was almost impossible to figure out. However, what stood out is the number of text messages sent and received. Over 900, between early December to mid January!!! I could not think that it was humanly possible to do something like this. I guess you learn something new every day. In any case, that’s where I caught her! One number in particular stood out. About 80% of all these text messages were from one number. Knowing my wife’s past I already know what this meant. She actually was able to take her cell phone with her, but can only use it on Sundays for 10 minutes. I guess the Drill Sgt. takes them away. In any case, I know she could not use it now, so I was able to check her voice mail. I knew the password. What do you think I hear? A very sexy voice with a British accent telling my wife how much she misses her, how she can’t stop thinking about her, and how she frequently thinks about the great few times they spent together. She also said that she is a fantastic girl and that she hopes something more happens when she returns. Well, we all know what that meant. I called the number right away and confronted the girl. She denied everything – of course. Said they just met recently and that they were only friends and that she was actually engaged and getting married soon. Wow! Doesn’t that put a nice twist on the whole story? In any case, I subsequently pushed that girl for more details and information and after one conversation, she admitted that it was only talk and no action.

When my wife called one recent Sunday, I told her everything. She did not seem very shocked that I found out. I later discovered that this was because before she called me, she called the OW. So, she found out about the situation ahead of time, and was prepared for the inevitable. Everything came out in the open, I talked again with her this past Sunday. She got the letters I sent her which explained my anger, my disappointment, my pain. She told me that she is very confused and that she is not sure whether she is a lesbian. She said she loves me, but you all know that this does not mean much. She also say that right now she cannot see herself with me sexually, or any man for that matter. But she does see herself with a woman. After reading Dr. Harley’s guide on how to survive infidelity, it all makes perfect sense. All her current feeling confusion, etc. are classic examples, regardless whether this was a PA or EA with a man or a woman. Since then, I have written about three letters. I stated that I do love her and want to work things out, that I realized my mistakes and faults. I have been going to therapy and feel much better about who I am and what I need to do. When I found Dr. Harley’s website, however, it was like an epiphany. Whatever doubts, uncertainties or confusions I had on why it happened and how to fix it, finally disappeared. The fog was lifted. I printed out every page of the Basic Concepts as well as the guide to surviving infidelity. Since she is in another state and we hardly have any communication it makes it this more difficult to try to work on this. She said there might be hope yet for us. Whether that was the truth or whether she was saying it out of guilt, or because that was something I wanted to hear, I don’t know. I guess the only thing I can do for now is to wait for her letters, her calls, and hope that she reads all the information I sent her. So, this is my story. Sorry it’s so long but I just didn’t know how to make it simpler. I guess I also needed to get this out of my system as well. Any suggestions, opinions or advise would be greatly appreciated. There is still a lot more to this story and I’m sure I might have left out some parts, so please ask.


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Welcome to marriagebuilders. I suggest you don't look in a lesbian chat room for future partners.

Of course, once you married, she needed to be faithful. I guess you could try Plan A, and see what happens.

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Piterek Offline OP
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Believer - I wasn't looking for a future partner in that chat room. I just happened to be there out of fun. It so happened that the friendship developed into something more. I was very surprised of how our friendship developed from something like that, but it did. But, please don't misunderstand, I definitely was not looking for any type of partner.


BS (me) 33 WW (she) 27 D-Day: 1/22/2007 Married since 9/2002 No kids
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Piterek Offline OP
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Well, I thought that more people would be able to help me out with some suggestions and advice. But it appears that either everyone is too judgmental or my story is not interesting enough. I thought this was the place to go to seek advice from people that would care and understand. I guess not.


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Well, I thought that more people would be able to help me out with some suggestions and advice. But it appears that either everyone is too judgmental or my story is not interesting enough. I thought this was the place to go to seek advice from people that would care and understand. I guess not.

Maybe it has to do with sugar or salt....which one do you project?

I read the first sentence in your post....then stopped. YOU cannot change a person and this is what you want to do.

Did it cross your mind that this might be a problem in the future?? We have dealt with bisexuality here, but I've not seen this. Usually lesbians don't marry men.

I'm sorry for your situation but I think you knew this was coming...and it was just a matter of time. I'm sorry.


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
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Piterek,

1. Nobody owes you an answer or help in any way... we are all here to support and help each other of our own free will

2. The boards may get slow, people may be busy. We know you're hurting, but accusing everyone here of being judgemental will not win you any sympathy or help

3. Many of the regulars here have great advice to offer. Give them a chance to get around to helping you.

4. Welcome to MarriageBuilders. OJAR is a great place for support, but this is the best place if you want to give your marriage a shot

Good luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Dev BS - 31 (me) WW - 29 M ~2 years, No kids DDay - 2nd Dec 2006 Exposed - 15th Jan 2007 NC started - 14th Jan 2007 NC broken 23rd Jan 2007 NC broken many times since Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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You mentioned that your wife is from another country as well as yourself? Did I understand that right?

I think there may be several issues here that need to be looked at.

Please be patience with us...Fridays and the weekends here move slowly...

I'm sorry that you find yourself here and in pain...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Sorry all. I'm sure you know how frustrating and painful this is. Because she is not around now and it's next to impossible to talk to her, except slow snail mail, I'm going out of my mind trying to figure her out. All these speculations and theories are driving me insane! Perhaps the reason that she chose to marry is because she was not a lesbian after all. I think that when I met her she was about 20-21, so she was still confused about herself and her sexuality. Obviously if she was a lesbian she wouldn't even consider any sort of relationship with me. When things started going south and getting worse, she turned to what she knew before and felt comfortable with before she met me. Well, that's just another theory! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


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Sorry all. I'm sure you know how frustrating and painful this is. Because she is not around now and it's next to impossible to talk to her, except slow snail mail, I'm going out of my mind trying to figure her out. All these speculations and theories are driving me insane! Perhaps the reason that she chose to marry is because she was not a lesbian after all. I think that when I met her she was about 20-21, so she was still confused about herself and her sexuality. Obviously if she was a lesbian she wouldn't even consider any sort of relationship with me. When things started going south and getting worse, she turned to what she knew before and felt comfortable with before she met me. Well, that's just another theory! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You say she chose to marry you because she's not a lesbian

THEN

You say she goes back to what she knows best.

??????

You knew she had problems with her sexuality before marriage. I'd move on.


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
Second D-Day 12-08....Divorce in Process
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Dedicated - I talked to her last Sunday. Yesterday received a letter. She says she is very lost and confused. Said that going to the Army is doing her a lot of good. She indicated that she likes the discipline and that it all allows her to clear her head and be more peaceful inside.She also indicated that until she comes back, she will not make any decisions about our future but agrees with many of the points I made. The issue of her sexuality is paramount here - I agree. But it's not that simple. When everything was great between us she never had any urges towards women. Perhaps this is some kind of a curiosity/addiction on her part that was never resolved? If she is bisexual, and I think that might be the case, then those urges for other women can be controlled as long as I meet her emotional needs, we communicate effectively and basically follow all the Basic Concepts. Maybe this just sounds to methodical. But at this point it's all speculation. She admitted that she doesn't know what she wants and that she is very confused. Until she actually comes back from this military training and we sit down and talk face-to-face, it's all speculation.


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Piterek- Hang in there...unfortunately, it's never that easy and we understand where you are...

I strongly recommend that you work on yourself at this time...pull yourself together...exercise...MAJOR self care...become the person that ANY woman would want to be with...

The best thing for you to do is accept the sitch and concentrate on yourself...you said yourself there's not much that you can do at this point in time...focus on the positive things in your M...make a list...

Shoot...make a list of negative things for that matter, that way you have something to work on at a later date...when you are having a bad day refer to the good list...

Also, please do us a favor... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Break up your text for easier reading...more people are likely to response to you...

Wishing you the best...and I get it, you know the part about itnot being THAT easy...

As far where to start with your WW, I think you really have to ask yourself what YOU need to move forward in your M should YOU want to work on it...for that matter, what does your WW need...of course, only she can come up with that list...

It would be a starting point....

Wishing you the best...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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This might seem like a silly question but...I'm familiar with somoe of the acronyms you guys use on this forum (EA=emotional affair, PA=physical affair, OW = other woman, etc.), but I'm really confused about the others. Is there a link on this website that spells it all out? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


BS (me) 33 WW (she) 27 D-Day: 1/22/2007 Married since 9/2002 No kids
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Good question if you don't know it.

Click on main index then go to Just Found Out - 3rd thread down. All of them are there.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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DDAY May 06


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Piterek,
Wow you are in a tough situation. Do you have children yet? The reason I ask is that children obviously make this type of situation more complex.

My WW is a serial cheater as I now know. Affairs with partners of both genders. We do have kids. I do not think that I would be able to deal trying to repair my own sitch if it were not for the kids. I do know this however:

1)It will be very difficult for you to rebuild trust with your WW. You will need to be careful about her friendships with men and women. Who does that leave for friendships for your WW that you can also be comfortable with?

2)The life that you choose for yourself has to be sustainable for the long term. You are probably feeling a little panicky about the thought of breaking up your marriage when there is still hope, but try to imagine the same scenario when you have a 4yr old and a 2yr old and your WW is involved in another "friendship". What would you do then? Be a doormat? Allow your children to be raised in a home that does not have both their parents?

You must decide if you can live the life of doubt. Almost all affairs start out as some sort of non-intimate friendship. Your wife will probably not want to live her life without friends. Think if the stress you will take on trying to balance your marriage and any kind of a social life.

Envision the life you want to have, then figure out if your WW can realistically fulfill the role you see in that vision. You may need to ask her, you may need to observe her actions to figure this out.

I wish you the best.

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GameFace. No, we don't have children. At this point that's a good thing. I can't imagine what it would be like if they would have to go through the same pain.

As far as trust is concerned, that is a paramount issue. Trust and honesty are the most important values in a marriage and both are non-existent at this point. Once someone breaks this trust it's hard to get it back.

So, I'm not sure how that will play out. The worst thing about this situation is that she is not available so that we can at least attempt to work this out. She's off playing soldier, while I'm here suffering.

It's hard for me to deal with this distance and lack of face-to-face communication.


BS (me) 33 WW (she) 27 D-Day: 1/22/2007 Married since 9/2002 No kids
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Google the "straight spouse network". That will get you a lot of information and links to groups of people in similar situations.


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