I'm not saying that I would not hold my son accountable for his actions.

But I would do it MY OWN WAY and would want my DIL to give her opinions to me in a manner in which she communicates CONFIDENCE in my ability to do the RIGHT THING...

I do think it's different looking at this from the perspective of a PARENT OF AN ADULT like I am..than from the perspective of a PARENT OF A CHILD....

I looked at my parenting much differently back then..and my son was a lot different back then...Shucks, when he was a little boy I couldn't conceive of him ever leaving me and falling in love with a woman.

It's the same as if I told his GF what he needs to eat for dinner and how often he needs SF..I'm speaking of boundary issues....

And Plus:

I don't want us to get in a disagreement about this. That's not necessary. I was just sharing MY PERSPECTIVE.

I would hate for Sis to lose her MIL's support is all.

I agree with Mimi about this >>>

"You are ENABLING him remain immature. You are NOT ALLOWING him to feel the NATURAL AND REASONABLE CONSEQUENCE of his choice to leave his home and family. The longer WH avoids these consequences, the longer he can remain in this la-la land of unreality."

this is tricky

be BRIEF
be KIND to the in-laws
and only own what YOU are doing

Pep

I am not debating you Mimi... just giving my perspective as a parent.

Thanks, MEDC.

In the spirit of getting NOTHING done today...You got me thinking, CC!!

I ended up on a vacation rental site...maybe DC would be a great trip for the boys and I...???

Think I could do it on my own? Navigate the metro, et al?

EXACTLY..The first part of your post when YOU were talking about YOURSELF seems fine...

GOTCHA, MEDC...

Even though you are absolutely right in everything you say here, I'm with Mimi on this one - take this part out. It will only force MIL up against a wall so that she has to choose between you and her son. Which one do you think will win?

Just take all this out and replace it with something like, "I hope I can count on your continued support for preserving N and J's family as well as your help in keeping adulterous third parties from intruding in that same family."

Mulan

I think LilSis' post was really a vent about her MIL, rather than anything she actually intends to say?

Personally, I think LS made many fair points, but ultimately she has no jurisdiction over her MIL - all she can do is state her position and ask for help...and accept that her MIL has a right to refuse.

If it were my son, I think I'd feel a sense of guilt that I hadn't raised him well enough to stand by his wife and children. I wonder if I'd be trying to 'make up' to my DIL for what my son lacked?

Allowing the son to stay in the parental house rent-free does seem like supporting him as if he were still a child. I wonder how much guilt the MIL feels for doing this? I would be surprised if this were not a very sensitive area for her.

Perhaps needs to be broached with delicacy?

TA

I'm a little worried that you haven't heard from MIL. I wouldn't send her an email like this right now... I would wait until you talk to her because it seems like something may have changed.

I agree w/Mimi that it might not be received too well the way it is currently worded. Some of it may across like scolding. The problem with email is that it's too easy to be harsher than you would be if you were talking face to face.

Oops...all my internet vacation browsing I missed the latest.

Those comments that mimi and pep quoted were not at all what I would actually SAY...just my own thinking...venting. I see how that could be interpreted as disrespectful, although I beleive I could make the point in a very respectful, loving way...by stating it differently, using the right tone of voice, etc.

However...

I am concerned about MY boundary and how I might define it. If they continue to enable him (I think we all agree that's what they are doing??) then what is my relationship with them to be like?

I can't go to their home. I can't have dinner with them. I can't drop off the boys and have a conversation.

More important...I don't know what feelings I might experience as a result of their actions/inaction. I might withdraw...I might lose trust...I know those feelings are MY choice...but they would be natural reactions, yes?

I really don't want to go down this road because we really dealt with it yesterday....ultimately, I NEED MY OWN SUPPORT SYSTEM apart from MIL.

To rely on her is to set myself up for pain and disappointment....she will choose her son.

But I DO need to think about and anticipate what my relationship with ILs will be like, now in Plan B. I'm trying to work that out in my own mind.

mentally step away from any area where you currently have no immediate reason to wander ... such as the MIL/FIL issue

"what if" ... is a mental trap
... avoid it .... BEST PLAN today ~~~> be respectful and polite to in-laws ... and that's IT

there may be months and months of plan B

NOTHING needs to be said or decided ~by you~ ... at this time

instead, plan a trip!

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Pep

TA: YES! a vent/rant! Nothing I could communicate verbatim.

I agree with FF...I have not even told them yet about my going dark. Last I spoke to MIL I was half dopey and very upset about having recieved the settlement conference notice.

I don't know....MIL seems so totally sincere and we talk for hours. But I feel like I'm the one always initiating the contact. I have asked her about that and she INSISTS that she loves to talk to me, every time, anytime.

Now with complete darkness from her after our last interaction being one in which I was not in a good place...it's just weird. I wonder what FIL is saying...

All that I can do is say my truth...I have said this before and I believe it so strongly that I cannot keep it to myself:

ILs, I have decided to go dark with WH. I will no longer enable WH to avoid the natural consequences of his choices or prolong his inevitable hitting of rock bottom by making his life any easier while he continues to engage in adultery.

This man is a stranger. He is behaving out of selfishness and immaturity, and in doing so, continues to inflict pain on me and the boys. I am concerned that this STRANGER is also taking advantage of your love and compassion for your SON, and I would urge you to consider that possiblity as well.

I firmly beleive that the sooner he feels the pain of his choices, the sooner he will begin to make better ones.

You have said to me that he is "immature" and needs to "grow up." I simply do not believe that he will do that as long as he is living in his childhood home with the protection of his parents.


That is my opinion. Again, coming from a place of protecting me and their grandsons, I feel obligated to call them on what I firmly believe as behavior that is prolonging my suffering and that of their grandchildren.

That's it.

Where the statement above leaves my relationship with ILs is unknown...from my perspective and from theirs. None of the above is disrespectful, nor can it really be argued.

They need to get their heads and hearts in sych, too.

But I'm not going to sit back and not challenge them on it...really...I can't. This is my one last "intervention" before I completely step away. I can't step away without knowing I have said my peace, done all I could, even if it insults them (which I don't think it will...we've had battles about it already)

Does that make sense??

Speaking of planning a trip, back to the DC idea....

Lilsis, I'm mostly a lurker but have been following your story and think you're doing a great job. I'm local to the DC area and would be happy to offer tips/advice or whatever, if you decide to pursue it. I think you wouldn't have any problems at all.

I think you are very wise to get it all out and process it before opening your mouth.

I think by venting and saying everything that is on your mind -- will allow you to pick and choose what is best (and how best) to say what you need to say to them.

yep, makes sense to me. You can not enjoy your quiet time away from all the chaos wondering if you said everything that you wanted to say.

I vote for going to as nice of a hotel as you can afford close by.

The MIL deal -- yep, tricky

Sis, I posted all the names of those helping you so will not feel alone. I understand.

Thank you, Pep. NO, I DO NOT need to go here now...and shouldn't...when I'm feeling good, just getting going on Plan B. It just brings me down.

It will not be months and months of Plan B. I will be forced into Plan D whether I want it or not. By the time it comes, I may want it. I have too much living to do, too much to offer, too much love to give to hoard it all for a man who may be gone forever.

Eventually, I will get on with my life, and another marriage will have been lost to A. Very very sad, but a very possible reality....that grows incrementally more possible with every passing day.

I do not like that feeling, but I have it none the less.

Aside...back to ILs: I think that FIL doesn't see the A as the primary culprit here. I think he sees WH as having some sort of identity crisis, whatever...that the A is a symptom of. So to him...the A is part of a bigger problem, not the other way around. This is a difficulty...he has said before that WH has "so much work to do." Implying that the work will result in clarity with regard to the A, not vice versa.

it does not matter what FIL thinks

Plan B allows YOU THE FREEDOM to stop obsessive thinking

Yea..How about Disney World..I can't get enough of that place...

Washington DC has free entertainment..the Smithsonian...my boys loved those trips....

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Obsessive, huh???

Abso-friggin-lutely!!

On to DC!! I'd be more interested in a little condo or something rather than a hotel...more comfortable for me and the kids, buy cereal, etc...there are some listed in the Mass and 12th area NW. Little studios for about $150/night.

which anti depressant are you on?