Don't be scared ....

God is your Quarterback

Pep

IMAGINE, SIS....

Mama Bear protecting those cubs again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cool plan Sis!

Anybody got resources for her on empowering her boys?
Give them the confidence to speak their minds to their dad without worrying about losing his love?
poor kiddos.....

Excellant questions, Lexxxy. I'd love some suggestions on this myself.

AND I feel SAD for RT's children...who don't have a caring mom...

I'm going to also put them in my prayers....

What a rotten rotten rotten thing to do to those boys!
...to put them in this position. To have to coach them on how to interact with their dad, because he's made this ugly situation!

(Thank God they they have Momma Bear! Thank God something brought your attention to that e-mail before DS got there!Amazing how God works....)

Give yourself a HUGE BEAR HUG for stopping that e-mail from getting through. You truly saved your DS much pain and confusion -- WTG!!!

I think you have the right idea, but you started one of your posts with "Deep Breath," and I think that is also a good idea. When you say IMMEDIATELY contact your attorney, that makes me think of drama, which is what the affair thrives on. I think just deleting and ignoring the emails would be just as effective in terms of killing the affair, which is what you want. If you do feel the need to communicate it, do it through the lawyer, but I would try to make it low-key. "Oh, by the way, we're deleting these emails unread, but since this is really a violation of the agreement, you ought to stop sending them." Simple. Unexciting.

I encourage you to dig up the 'Be Still' post. Plan B takes a long time. It will be boring, and you need to figure out how to deal with that. If you're constantly on the alert and wanting something to happen, you're likely to wind up triggering yourself, and then you'll be, well, triggered. And triggers are what you're trying to eliminate or at least minimize. Be Still.

I know how hard it is. Believe me, I know, but I'm afraid that if you continue at this frenetic pace, you will burn yourself out. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Right.

My Alanon sponsor gave me a tape of a speaker who said: God exists in the very thin membrane between the past and the future.

Live in the NOW, in the present, do not live in the guilt and shame of the past nor live in the fear of the future.


Decisions based on fear of what has not yet happened are usually not great decisions.


You can SAY whatever you want. It's just words. There is no value to SAYING, no power to SAYING.

You have clearly outlined your expecations in your agreement with your husband - how does saying it again change anything?

He is who he is: A wayward husband in the throes of addiction.

Boundaries protect you, they don't change behavior. If SAYING had power, then all of us would have SAID to our spouses that we would not tolerate infidelity - and voila - our marriages would not be broken!

SAYING a boundary at this stage is powerless, and instead, it drags you back into the drama, puts the focus on bad old LS, and enables your husbands affair.

Right now, if you react, both WS and RT are simply going to commiserate about how you are overreacting and unreasonable and how you can't face the reality of their love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don't give them things to talk about (drama) because it enables them to stay close. Thats WHY SHE NEEDS YOU! Don't give her that.

Drawing boundaries is what YOU DO (not say). I think you have drawn the boundaries. Talking about them won't change your husband.

Think of it this way:

Do you try to reason with bugs, pests, mosiquitos that invade your home? Do you threaten them with what you will do if they come in? When they enter your house, do you talk to them into leaving and changing their behavior?

Or rather do you simply put up screens, traps, bug spray, etc to keep them OUT!

Sounds pretty silly to talk to a BUG huh?

If you want to keep it with the FOC, by all means, do so. He's not calling the shots anymore, remember that. He's used to controlling you, take that away!

Loved your post, Bramble Rose.

It's so nice when someone elequently puts the words to all the "STUFF" that's running around in my head. thanks.

I did start talking to the boys. They were sitting around eating ice cream as a afterschool snack, and I told them that I needed them to do something for me.

I told them that I am their mom, and asked them if they understood that it is my job to protect them from things that I feel are bad or harmful, and that includes people. I wouldn't let them be around someone who took drugs, or around someone who hurt kids.

I consider Mrs. RT to be a bad and evil person. Anyone who would destroy a family and take a dad away from his kids is not a good person, and I do not want them to be around her.

(I didn't know how else to say this guys!! It felt so un-mom-like, so un-Christian to say it that way...but I said it anyway!! I just choked!)

I told them that dad is making some really bad choices right now (they agreed with this), and that he might make a really bad choice by bringing them around Mrs. RT. Dad knows that I do NOT want them around Mrs. RT and he's told me that he won't, but because he's making such bad choices, he might decide to anyway.

So if Dad brings them around Mrs. RT, or her kids, they need to let me know.

"Are her kids evil?"

"No, and we should pray for them because their mom is making bad choices, too, and hurting them like you are hurting. That's not their fault....but I still don't want you around them."

They should never be afraid to tell me if Dad brings them around Mrs. RT; I won't get mad, but I need to know about this so that I can protect them.

Then we held hands and said a little prayer, thanking God for each other and all of our family, friends, and school, and asking Him to help dad begin to make good choices again.

UGH. I really hope I handled this okay. I wanted to keep it short...then we just let it go and I made biscuits and gravy for dinner (their favorite). We can take it a little farther another time...maybe talk about what their feelings might be if he did take them around her.

Privately, I asked DS11 what he's thinking and feeling about all of this. Typically, he doesn't have much to say. I told him that he doesn't need to be afraid of hurting my feelings. The only thing I could get him to say is that he's sad, that he never thought his family would have a divorce, and that sometimes he feels angry. I told him all of those feelings are perfectly okay.

Tonight, after DS11 goes off to his friend's, I'll have a similar talk with DS8.

Be gentle with them & yourself

GOOD JOB

Pep

I think it's good that you talked to your kids in such a supportive way and that you are looking out for them so fiercely. I guess what makes me nervous about this is that kids are way more perceptive than we think, and they may wonder that if this is true about Mrs RT, then why isn't it true about their dad, too? They only have one of him. (I don't know all the details about Mrs. RT--she may well be evil, but be careful when painting with the 'adultery is evil' paintbrush, is all I'm saying).

Good JOB, LilSis! What you said about RT was very "Christian" because it is the TRUTH. Children can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. And Christians don't lie or softpeddle evil. What you said was fabulous. SO PERFECT.

When I was a little girl, my mother thought it was a good thing to pretend away evil, so she just never mentioned that my Dad's affairs were wrong. [this would be BadSpeakTruthTalk] I grew up very morally confused, depressed and full of self doubt as a result. What seemed so obviously WRONG to me was not validated by adults so I concluded that I must be a stupid girl. My instincts were screaming that this was WRONG, but since no adult would validate those feelings,I stopped trusting my own instincts about right and wrong. I was SO CONFUSED!

By being a stand up guy with your boys, you are validating their instincts about right and wrong and given them some SORELY NEEDED moral guidance. You are a GREAT MOM, Lilsis!

YES YOU ARE!!

Your sons are blessed!!

Personally, I have a problem with the phrase 'evil person' (maybe it's just me...).

However, I think in the future it would be wise to describe the actions as selfish (evil, if you must), rather than condemning the person.

Surely, there is something of value in RT-- even if you are unable to see/embrace it.

Something to consider... ~Marie

I think that words do have meanings, and the appropriate word should be used, especially with children. Children are damaged by doublespeak and weasel words. They develop a warped sense of reality and become morally confused. The definition of evil is:

1. morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked: evil deeds; an evil life.

So a person who embraces immorality as a way of life would be considered an evil person. LilSis did the right thing in using the TruthTalkOldeTruth words. Children need to hear the truth, lest they become morally confused.

MelodyLane-- I understand your POV. Mine is just different from yours...

To further elloborate on my POV-- I believe that people can be *good* individuals, yet make poor decisions (or can be temporarily misguided). Just because someone's actions are evil (at a certain point in time), does not mean that the person is evil/bad.

My WH did some pretty nasty, vile, evil things during his A-- yet I did not condemn him as an evil person.

I think it would be hard for a child to understand why the OP is labeled bad/evil... and not their own parent (??)... when the WS/parent also chose to deviate from the marriage/moral code (??).

Clearly, I think it is OK for us to disagree on this point. I am certainly not expecting everyone to adopt my thoughts/opinions.

As previously stated-- just another POV to consider.

Sincerely, ~Marie

Marie, if your H were STILL doing those evil things, he would be an evil person. But someone who repents and changes their life is not an evil person, but a good person, who is forgiven.

We can't define anyone as "good" if we can't define anyone as "evil", because there is no standard of good if there is no bad. Our actions are an extension of who we are as people. Murderers are defined by the act of murdering, rapists by the act of raping, philanthropists by the act of giving, nurses by the act of caring for the sick, etc, etc.... We don't say that mass murderer, Hitler, was a "good person who just made bad decisions." Words have meanings and bastardizing the English language will not change the underlying reality, unfortunately.

What is hard for children to understand is when the words used to describe bad behavior are presented as WORSE than the underlying behavior. That gives them a warped sense of reality and ill equips them to deal with the world at large because they forever question their perception of reality. Lies and weasel words about parents do not make children feel secure; they make them feel morally confused.