You can't do anything about the cottage. You don't want to stop the children from time with their dad. (As long as custody is not nailed down, be very careful).

You CAN do something about overnight vacations with RT.

I agree with Pep - you go legal. Call your attorney and ask what you can do to ensure that your children are not taken out of state for overnights with RT.

SL: the current legal agreement is a temporary order for the pendancy of the divorce. It is legally binding.

In terms of visitation, it is "as agreeed upon by the parties" or something like that. We did not include specifics. As specific as we have gotten is the PBL where I formalized the "pattern" that had developed and established firm drop-off times and pick-up routines.

I know you are saying hold off...but WH emailed LK on Monday while she was still on vacation. Shouldn't I have her respond with something?

June is fine.

However, you and LS had a verbal understanding that she would be taking the boys on vacation the first week in August.

I am planning something new. Cape Cod with my aunt. Can you just HEAR WH, though? "Boys, I WANTED to take you back to the cottage, but your mom is so petty and small that she $crewed you out of going to the place you wanted to go to every year! Your mom is so mean and she's trying to make you hate me and think I'm a bad person!"

Again. I am so discouraged.

fyi...The cottage is NOT out of state.

The agreement about no contact (NONE, not just overnights) is verbal only...with the understanding by both attorneys that if it becomes an issue, I will go to court.

I'm sure WH is assuming that the D will be final by August. (it was supposed to be final already, in his mind, remember--six months---Wha-la! Marriage over!! Yippee!)

I DID verbally inform WH back in December/January that I INTENDED TO TAKE THE BOYS TO THE COTTAGE THAT WEEK. He is DELIBERATELY countering that.

No...there is no legal visitation terms, it is "as agreed upon," and I DID NOT AGREE to this...in fact, it flies in the fact of what I TOLD HIM.

LS,

Please don't do anything today.

Take time to think through this.

Yes, he's entitled jerk...he told ya he wanted that house to vacation in this year. Sooooooo as luck would have it you missed the deadline and he jumped on it. Talk to the owner and make sure you get it next year.

It's interesting that upon your return from your first family vacation w/o him, he chooses this time to let you know about this....seems to me your trip to DC must have bothered him....I believe it would give him great satisfaction to know that he's upset you.

Don't give him that.

Be smart. Think through it.

Don't react to this news.

Not even through your BF.

I'm really sorry about this...(((LS)))

~ Marsh

Sorry to keep posting randomly....

So essentially it doesn't matter WHAT WH is intending to do that week...I had communicated to him verbally that I would have them that week...he SHOULD NOT HAVE planned ANYTHING with them during that time...regardless of whether or not he rented that particular cottage out from under me.

He can't just announce that he's taking them for a week that I had previously told him that I had plans for them!

Could he be deliberately trying to provoke me? Or is he just that STUPID, DENSE, THOUGHTLESS, CONNIVING...yada yada

Sorry Sis, I know that I read about your agreement before, my little pea brain just has a hard time storing info.

Make sure that WH was the renter, then respond. Since the email did come on Monday, it has been a couple of days since then, and you don't want to look uncooperative (to his lawyer) with the system that you set up for communication.

What a dingleberry he's being.

Do you think the timing of this is rather odd? If he rented the cottage, why wouldn't he discuss this particular week with you before?

IMHO it looks like WH is feeling guilty. He went on a 2 week vacation without his sons, which overall he doesn't see that much, and without much phone contact. Then he finds out LS is taking a vacation with sons, to somewhere cool and fun. Not that this is a vacation contest, but the contrast between the two behaviors is glaring. He did this right when you got back bc he wants to be able to tell his sons that he planned a vacation that includes them. It is guilt that motivated the e-mail. You don't have to do anything other than what you are already doing, surviving as best you can, making your home life as happy as you can and always thinking of your sons welfare. This is something he can't compete with bc he is a wayward and puts himself first.

Call about the cottage if you must, but I would look at this as he is acting pathetic, and torn by guilt. Take the high road, enforce that you took the same week off and informed him first. If you have an e-mail to your boss or vacation request form, send it to your BF and have her include this with her reply.

[b]Make certain that EVERY e-mail response from your intermediary is not a legal shot in your own foot ...

ASK Mr Wondering for his opinion if anything is questionable.

The e-mails can be used as a legal record of either

A. your cooperation & demonstrated efforts to get the boys time with their Dad

or

B. your non-cooperation & seemingly emotional reactions

if you DO have your intermediary respond to this recent declaration ... make sure there is some language refering back to your VERBAL agreement

something like:

"as per our verbal agreement on (date) regarding vacation time this summer I have reserved (weeks) as my vacation time with boys"

read it aloud AS IF it were to be read aloud IN COURT

every e-mail must sound business-like

Pep

Okay. I'll hold off. I haven't gotten a thing done today at work, and probably won't. I've got a mountain of stuff to do, too, but I'm so distracted now...like the cobwebs are thick?

Anyone know the feeling?

Thanks everyone. Crap. Why does this stuff keep happening? Can someone tell me when it will END????? Please????

Okay, I just did one of those faux stretches at my desk...reaching my hands to God. Take it away.

If your WH really did rent that cottage after YOU told him you planned on doing it.....he IS a bad person......rotten.
If he tries to play innocent and the good guy in all this he's even worse then i imagined.

but, for now....relax.
find out for sure if he rented the house and then decide about the email.

I think SL had a good point. If I take too long to respond (his email was sent on Monday) then WH can use this as evidence that I am being uncooperative. After all, I already am REQUIRING him to go through an intermediary to communicate!! Good heavens! How ridiculous and silly.

So I don't want to be too slow in responding, or he CAN use THAT against me.

I don't have ANY idea of the date that we talked about the cottage. Darn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If LK indicates in an email that (1) June is fine, but (2) remind him of the verbal agreement that we had made previously, I don't think that seems uncooperative in the least. One, I am agreeable to June. Two is simply reminding him of the previous understanding.

He should have to justify WHY he signed up for vacation during the time that I had told him I was taking the boys.

It is not inconcievable (princess bride, sorry) that once I learned that our traditional cottage was booked, that I reserved somewhere else instead. It is TOTALLY presumptuous that he ASSUME that the kids are available at that time...REGARDLESS of whether or not he booked the cottage (which I am sure he did, but ultimately, it's irrelevant).

He may end up the winner here, and I will not deny the boys time with their dad...but I am NOT going to allow him to PUSH ME AROUND. That is JUST what he is doing...trying to bully me....ANNOUNCING when he is taking the kids...

"I have received your message and I will respond after careful consideration of this apparent time conflict."

My vote goes to he's trying to provoke. He's thinking he's done a zinger on you. DON'T let him know it affected you. I agree with everyone else, wait to respond and when you do, just state the facts 'mam. June is fine. August is not. No deal.

If he is taking RT... ewwwww... how classless is that... of both of them.

I know you're discouraged. It's hard. Praying for you. {{{Sis}}}. I'd love to fly up there and give him AND RT a whatfor!!

HEY LS...
I KNOW you mentionmed on YOUR other thread WHEN you and WH talked about the cottage. I remember it.
it was a long thread and will take some time to find it,but i am sure you could get a close estimate @ the date of the discussion.

perfect.
respose taken care of.

You know, it is very possible that your WH rented the house before you told him you wanted it.

And when you missed the deadline and called the owner they used the missed deadline as the reason you couldn't have it rather than the fact that they had already rented it to your WH.

If you want that place next year, I'd get your money together soon and reserve it before he can.

~ Marsh

I'm not sure thinking about this in terms of winners and losers is constructive. He's a loser. You know that. What he's doing right now is losing his life. You want to help him, but you can't. The best thing you can do for him is your Plan B. If you engage with him over this, he knows he's getting to you. I'm not saying just give in to what he's demanding, but

You're triggered. Calm down. Breathe deeply. Think about the long-term picture, because that's what you're fighting for. Don't respond today, or if you think you have to, send the response that Pep suggested. And call the cabin-lady to confirm.

LS, get a grip.

Good grief, the only thing that has actually happened here is that WH has announced that he wants to take the boys on holiday in August.

On the basis of that, you have flung up an entire conspiracy theory, generated a doomsday script, and cast yourself and WH in some kind of Verdi opera, with blood all over the stage.

If you react to him from this state of emotional excitement, you will overreact wildly, and he will have every reason to paint you as a hysterical nutcase. Remember, you have already established yourself in the eyes of the court system as someone dangerously unable to control her emotions - whatever the provocation - so don't give them any more ammunition.

Assumption 1. You're assuming he has in fact booked The Cottage. Establish that first.

Assumption 2. If he did book The Cottage, you're assuming he layed a nefarious game to hurt you. He may well have asked to be given first refusal if you didn't take up the booking. Is that nefarious? He may well not have booked it at all.

Assumption 3. You're assuming he's chosen that week just to anger you. He may not even have remembered the dates; he's in lala land right now - real life is largely irrelevant. Perhaps it's the only week RT can get away.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Assumption 4. You're assuming he's trying to bully you. There are dozens of other interpretations of what he's doing, not all of which have something to do with you.

The fact that the email came on Monday is hardly important. Any intermediary - even a lawyer - can have sick days and holidays. If WH requires guaranteed access, he can request a back-up intermediary. How can you make out that having an intermediary is somehow going to make you look bad? Given your history with RT, having insulation between you and the A is nothíng but sensible and mature.

Lastly, all that this situation requires is for you to point out that the week is already spoken for, as was already agreed. That's it.

STOP PANICKING!

TA

TA has been giving WONDERFUL ADVICE...

I agree with the need to CALM DOWN...

First find out if he has REALLY rented the cottage by CALLING the lady.

One of my major lessons was NOT TO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MY WH..not to make ASSUMPTIONS about his ACTIONS or his MOTIVES...

In my emotional state, I usually was DEAD WRONG...

There's a HIGH LIKELIHOOD, though, this contact with the intermediary is in response to Sis' trip and PLAN B...

He's probably TRYING HIS HARDEST to MAKE THIS WORK FOR HIM/THEM....

I would say to get out of HIS STUFF and ON WITH YOUR LIFE..your new job..PLANNING YOUR OWN NEW ADVENTURE WITH THE BOYS...

Find your own NEW COTTAGE...NEW VACATION SITE...

I’m only referring to the fact that he may “win” by ending up with the first week in August with the boys at the cottage.

It’s just a battle…he’ll lose the war, one way or another….I know that. He can never “win” anything but emptiness, loss and an eventual first class ticket to a REALLY warm climate if he stays on this course. If he chooses to change course, then there’s no war left to fight, because he’ll be doing the right thing.

SD...You are really good at reminding me about being triggered. I always forget about that! Who was it that talked about fish…not taking the bait? Dang, I just bit the bait…didn’t swallow the hook, but I let it get stuck.

I’ll be okay. I need to think it through a bit. I am a little leary of involving the cabin lady. I don’t want word to get back that I was checking up on WH. I do feel that I am on pretty solid ground with the whole “I informed you of my intent to have the boys that week back in Dec.” thing. (THANK YOU NIA FOR THE SUGGESTION TO GO BACK TO MY OLD THREAD!!)