Happy Birthday Nia!!!

thank you.
actually, i am not tommorow...i am tuesday the 17th...i got the dates mixed up. silly me.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Does LK read here? Does she really understand what Plan B is all about? The mind of the WS?

If she hasn't read here, you might start her out with Hiker's thread on romantic affairs.

And I agree with Mimi and BR. Dark. Drama is what he wants. Don't give it to him.

Slightly different opinion here regarding the gift.

My opinion is that 1 it's pretty much completely irrelevent and 2 it shows waaaaay more investment in his reactions than I think is good especially for plan B.

Send a gift from the kids..don't send one..who cares? Certainly not him. The kids might have an opinion there...YOU might have one and I think you might do well to put more weight on making choices that YOU are happy with and that meet your standards with no strings attached?

What do I mean by that?

I mean that I think you should do what satisfies YOU with no expectations for turnabout or fair play. Do what you do because you are who you are..and how do you know if you are doing that rather than trying to effect the outcome in him that you want?

You know by your resentment level...when he behaves like a conniving, simpering, mincing, cowardly manipulative little mommas boy you can accept that this is who he chooses to be and not feel offended when he blows off YOUR birthday or the kids or disregards their gift or does any of the other things bottom feeders do.

So there is no.."I remembered YOUR birthday" [sniffle] resentment. You KNOW who you are dealing with...if giving a gift to him is appalling to you or you can't actually GIVE it no strings..then don't. If you can't NOT give him one without crossing one of your personal ethical codes..then do.

Neither choice has the power to make or break you but YOUR investment and motivation in your choices DOES.

WS will not make a big deal out of his own birthday

let it go

Just another thought for consideration...

I know that there is a lot of detail examination and strong opinions about what [in their opinion] the absolute best ideal choices would be.

I see a strong potential for obsessive dissection and drama in every little decision as a result...especially when you consider the validation factor.

Everyone likes the winning team.

So for example you post about some detail...listen to peoples perspective...and make a choice.

If things go well not only do you get validated in real life...you get kudos HERE too.

If you do well against the majority opinion you will get a lot of "good for you being brave and following your gut"...if it goes poorly you pretty much get I toldja so...but no one here has to live with your choices and you should NOT judge your success or failure by our personal measuring sticks.

You are not the only element at work in this equation...a lot of the outcome lies outside your area of operation.

Just do what you can live with.

My .02

YEP..ANY OCCASION IS USED AS AN EXCUSE TO GET HIGH..OFF OF HER, THAT IS!!

I think the only thing I would do in this sitch about the BD present is to remind the boys that it's there. Let them decide when and how to deliver. You ARE their mom and part of mom's job is to remind little boys about their manners...

As far as going to another cabin close to the original one... I think that's a very bad idea. Do you REALLY believe that YOU would enjoy that? Let WH take them to the family cabin. You've got many many more years to go with them again. You take them on the NEW vacation and make NEW memories.

Just my .02.

{{{Lil Sis}}}

Back from LK's...had FUN, BTW. Much better now. 2x glasses of wine don't hurt. We also made our plans for the group spa outing the Friday before Mom's Day...more fun! Plus a trip to Detroit to see Billy Joel in May...more fun!

Thank you for all the input; here's my decison...drum roll please.

Gift: I'll toss it in the boy's room, unwrapped. Given what that room looks like, it will not be noticed. If they find it, or ask about it, fine. If not, fine. It's in their court. They got the gift, they KNOW that I cared enough (should I say, was not petty) to purchase it on their behalf...WAAAY more than WH did for me.

Reply: LK and I decided. 2x glasses of wine sort of boils things down. Here is the response:

F i n e



Check back later, gotta go make myself scarce for the drop-off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yuck. Triggered...so I'll share it here and try to identify a way to shake it off.

DS11 comes running in at drop-off, "Mom, where's dad's present?" So I got it and handed it to him, still in the bag it was purchased in....

As I'm sitting here reviewing homework with DS11, he spills the beans that on Friday, the three of them went to SIL/BIL's for dinner. Guess WH is getting cozy back in with them. Time to extricate myself from that relationship as well...civility and friendliness at church, but that's it.

I'm sure WH told them great stories about how bent out of shape I was over him taking the boys to the cottage; how I might not ALLOW it...crazy and all that.

This is what I have to brush off....do not let myself be triggered...but then, 30 seconds later....

Out of the blue, DS11 tells me that dad is going to buy a house; that they were looking, something about a big backyard...and I interrupted him.

"Okay, DS11? This is not my business, okay? I really don't want to hear about it." Which I think hurt DS11's feelings, but I couldn't hear it. It's too painful.

So now I'm here, wondering if Windex works to clear the mind. I just want to wipe it all away. Do you SEE how badly I REALLY do want to be dark? It wasn't lack of committment to Plan B, it was ignorance...I didn't believe that MIL was essentially a wolf in sheep's clothing, and I didn't realize that the volume of intel that was going back and forth between LK and I was non-Plan B.

I thought I was doing great, because I haven't SEEN or HEARD WH...and it was a heck of a lot easier to do all of that when he was gone, and I was gone.

And DS11 is asking me what's wrong, because I never shut him down like that...he looks hurt...

Working to clear my mind....spa....Billy Joel...wedding shower for a friend...Cape Cod...

What about right this moment?

LOL

Wasn't it the ancient Sumerians who implimented this type of decision making?

They believed in thinking twice before they arrived at any decision. Once sober and once drunk..(Not that two glasses of wine will get you more than buzzed, but you get the idea.)

Worked for them.

Your second, two glasses of wine thought, sounds good to me.

~ Marsh

Shake it off.


Please, don't do this.

Don't cut people off b/c they are still reaching out to your WH when he is w/ the boys.

Please don't do this....for your sake.



Stop this.

Don't go here either.

You are assuming alot here...and most of it is coming from your own DJs about yourself. Do you think you are crazy? Horrible for reacting to the cottage vacation the way you did? Are you human?



That's a fine response.

My bet is DS11 is probably concerned he added to your pain thoughtlessly more than he is about your having hurt him.



I wish you didn't see her as a wolf in sheep's clothing, now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((((LS)))))

~ Marsh

I would be careful about shutting out your son like that. I know why and can understand your pain... but the child needs to be able to share his whole life with you.

Lilsis...from what you have said about your SIL, I doubt he will be ******!ng about you to her. I can only imagine that would open him up for criticism. I suspect your WH is trying to avoid any criticism.

I know you are in a lot of pain... it really sucks what this man is doing to you.

I have a question that I think you need to consider... If he comes back at this point... will you be able to forgive all this? When the answer to that question becomes no, I would strongly suggest getting yourself off this rollercoaster. Also... are all your legal ducks in order right now concerning the divorce proceedings? I think you should consider trying to expand your role as the custodial parent through the courts. Frankly, IMHO, your H is showing himself to be an unfit parent.... the courts may agree with that perspective. If I am correct... some if not all of this legal stuff is supposed to happen this month. Be as agressive as possible if you are forced into court.
I am sorry for your pain and pray that your heart is healed.

MEDC

You do know know that. There is no way to know for sure WHAT he says or may tell. Quit trying to analyze and figure it out. You spend way too much of your time and energy thinking about what he is doing.

That is the purpose of Plan B.



Next time maybe you could say "that's interesting, HEY, what movie would you like for us to watch tonight". Just change the subject. That way he doesn't have his feelings hurt.

Sis, your DS11 should be old enough to understand that what WH is doing hurts you.

"I'm happy that you had a good time with it. I think you know that what your father is doing hurts me, so maybe we could talk about something else, okay?"

Something like that.

It's a BIG Trigger. You did a good job recognizing it. I know how hard it is. Hang in there.

(((LS)))

So much to say, so little time.

Your MIL is not a wolf. No mother wants to believe their precious baby is lying to their face. It took you a long while to believe your precious husband was lying to your face.

Even if, once she comes face to face with that ugly realization (if she does), she does not act in the way you want - in the way we here would know to be best, does not make her a wolf. You can't truly understand what going through adultery is like until you have been there. Even then, some never get it.

Be light, fluffy, and happy with all family memebers of his, confiding in none. Don't pull back, but don't be too close, either. Let them see your wonderful self.

I have much to say on the subject of intermediaries. LK needs to change her approach in order to deflect drama and protect you, but that is no criticism of her. Being an intermediary is very hard. It actually takes a stronger person to ignore the garbage, than to stand up to a WS.

I think LK has that in her, and just needs more info to become an intermediary superstar. She is so funny! It is hard to curb that, but she must.

Do not change intermediaries mid-stream. If anything, have a panel that WH does not know about, so LK has someone to discuss responses with, but to change now would make it appear your system is not working, and it is. It just needs some fine-tuning.

Sorry this is so hard, and glad you can see the need to go completely dark.

One final thing: IMO, it's actually a good thing that he is taking the boys to the cabin, and thinking about houses. Whether he is in the old familiar places without you, or trying to move on, he cannot help but have you intrude on his thoughts. It will emphasize the strangeness, and wrongness, of who he is, and how he is living.

It may take much time, but those are the beginning steps to realizing he needs redemption.

Give God time - He is never idle.

In this moment, I hope this prayer will help and bring you peace:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Thank you everyone....I went upstairs with DS8, we laid down on the bed and I read him three chapters of "Ida B" (current read-aloud). Cuddling up with my little boy certainly helped me regain some perspective.

Agreed...too harsh on my assessment of SIL...emotionally driven again. You made good points...WH will certainly not fool her. I will not cut them out or change my behavior necessarily...my remark was more along the lines of NOW understanding better about what my boundaries have to be...don't let anyone too close who has the potential to harm me...??? Does that make sense?

Keeping my friends close...and wary of anyone with a connection to WH.

Also good call on my "assumptions" again...I knew it when I typed it even, but my fingers are faster than my brain.

With regard to MIL, probably a card will do? I really can't TALK to her without the real possibility of getting "off message" or incurring more hurt. Something nice, gentle...I value our relationship too much to put you in such an awful postion anymore....???

This will require some thought.

But I'd like to get it done. Once I establish that boundary, I should be much more firmly in a true Plan B.

I don't really see her as a wolf...however, the imagery works in terms of my buffer...not seeing her for the threat that---unintentionally---she really is. A threat to me and my state of mind, as well as a threat to my darkness.

Neak, I'll try to find your Intermediary 101 thread...

I do think that LK NOW understands as well the need for absolute business-like communication. She had a long talk with her FWH about it...he was very clear to her that anything beyond the pertinent info...any preaching, her opinion, etc...is just so much blah blah blah and a pointless waste of energy.

I'll take some quiet time tonight before bedtime to "check in" with DS11 and explain my earlier reaction.

About ds11...

I agree he is old enough for honesty...while he can't be your confidant I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him something like..."DS...when your dad talks about buying a house with a big backyard...he is talking about where he is planning to live without us as a family...and I feel sad and hurt when I talk about it."

That should also do the trick to clear the spreading fog he has been feeding his children about how much fun it will be for everyone when RTs children get him fulltime and his own children are sure welcome to visit when it's convenient [rolls eyes at evil shortsighted waywards].