Lilsis;

Plan B is good for you.

You realize your value, your sons' value, the importance of family/home, and you have your integrity intact.
You will never take those things for granted again.

And because you know the value of those things -- you won't settle. You are operating from a position of such strength!
Who knows if H/WH will ever be worthy? But there is no doubt he will have regrets. You're right -- you may not "see" them, but those regrets will be there.

Isn't it just amazing that you were able to protect DS11 from knowing his dad gave RTS a rat?? That is amazing -- God was looking out for you and the boys that day!

This means that PLAN B is doing its JOB. YOUR LOVE for your H is tucked away..SAFEGUARDED..and CAN RETURN if HE RETURNS...and YOU CAN DO RECOVERY...Please try NOT TO TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU CANNOT. The PURPOSE OF PLAN B is to PREPARE yourself for RECOVERY...to LOCK YOUR LOVE FOR HIM AWAY FOR SAFEKEEPING....



This is EXACTLY WHAT MY H was doing...no different in your case...HE WAS GIVING UP EVERYTHING FOR THE OW..

AND HE HAS RETURNED..AND he DID ADMIT HIS WRONGDOING..and CONTINUALLY DOES...and it didn't take 20 years...

I just want to make sure that you and others know that the WS CAN WALK AWAY WITH NO PLANS OF RETURNING and CAN RETURN...it SEEMS MIRACULOUS...



I'M SURE THAT MY HE IS NO LONGER THE WH and I am so thankful that I was able and willing to FORGIVE HIM and to work on our recovery....

I'm so thankful that I OPENED UP MY ARMS...

I hope that if your H returns that you will open up your arms too...

It's taken LOTS and LOTS of work on ALL OF OUR PARTS and the work is CONTINUOUS day to day for my H, myself and our sons but OH WHAT A BLESSING to US ALL and for FUTURE GENERATIONS....

We've ALL learned the TRUE MEANING OF REDEMPTION AND FORGIVENESS AND PERSONAL CHANGE....

Mimi, beautiful post.

Sis, I'm right there with you, and Mimi is DEAD ON!

The filter that your intermediary is NOW AWARE to put on emails and communication will help you to hang on to that socked away love.

I made a mistake and let my WAYWARD H have it via email. I was fed up with his antics. Truth is, I know that he would like to come home and be happy, but he doesn't know how to do it. The drug is so hard to stop, cold turkey. All addicts think, if I just titer down, just ween myself, then I will be okay and not have this problem.

It doesn't work that way. COLD TURKEY with CONVICTION is the only way it works. Just like my quitting smoking. I used no AIDS, no gums or patches. Sheer will. An addiction that I still fight sometimes, more mentally, not physically. It was my buddy, pal, always there for me. Now, being away from ciggy's, I see how damaging they were/are.

I began to feel like I was losing respect for my H, but I'm not dealing with my H. It FINALLY CLICKED. Problem with it clicking was I lost my cool...

Okay, so this is what Plan B is SUPPOSED to feel like?!?

(light bulb appears) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I had meetings today in the afternoon, and arranged for both boys to go home with friends. I wrote a note for DS8, and asked DS11 if he needed a note to ride the bus. "No, mom."

I get out of my meeting at 4:15 and there's a VM on my cell. "Mom, I needed a note to ride the bus so I'm stuck here at school. I guess I'll call dad." This was at 3:20.

I called the friend's house, and it turns out the mom came and picked them up. DS11 had called WH, but got no answer so he didn't even leave a message. I guess WH wasn't concerned when he saw the school on caller ID.

After I got home and the kids all arrived back, we shot baskets for a while, then walked down to the ice cream place. DS8 skipped the whole way, back and forth.

Delightful!!

(mimi: it would seem miraculous. ABSOLUTELY. and in terms of open arms...if H walked in...yes...but how would I know? WH is SOOOO good at lying an manipulating...KWIM?)?

YOU WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE...at least I did..THIS LAST TIME..he came back BROKEN..like the WALKING WOUNDED...PITIFUL..

And there was BASICALLY, LOTS OF BEGGING AND PLEADING..not EXACTLY down on his KNEES but LOTS OF CONCESSIONS that had to be made...

Same here. He was broken like I'd never seen him before. Low, low, low. It was hard to watch.

Oy, Sis, I don't know how you feel, but it would/WILL hurt me deeply to see my husband so wounded. I know my WH is in PAIN right now, and is having such a hard time fighting against his addiction, his problems.

There is no happiness in what your WH has chosen, not really.

So what I'm hearing is that I'd KNOW somehow...that his brokeness and would be obvious. ??

Can I ask a favor, though?? I've got a RIGHT NOW problem...

I just got home from work, and my anxiety is hitting really hard...started just before I left the office. Shaky. Scared. Feel like crying. Panicky.

Worried, I think, about a weekend with the boys. We have plans to go to a nature program out by the lakeshore on Saturday, and then a "service" for the rat on Sunday (she's in the freezer). Not enough to help me feel like I have a "plan" to get us through the weekend. Lack of structure.

I feel like I have to be "on" for the boys this weekend and I'm not quite prepared emotionally. They need me to be "on" now...they've been having a tough time lately, and I've been really busy and not feeling like I'm giving them all that they need.

Any suggestions for reducing that anxiety? I can't take a Xanax and just knock myself out, but I feel like it.

http://www.i-amperfectlyhealthy.com/naturalcalm.html

http://www.mgwater.com/benes.shtml

If you'd like to try something natural, you might want to consider looking at these links. I know someone who had terrible anxiety and she said this started helping her immediately. I figure with your infidelity diet, you might be magnesium deficient.

Anxiety and panic attacks are AWFUL. I've been thru them myself. I know you probably don't want to always drug yourself to get by. This stuff also helps you sleep. The only "unpleasant" side affect is it makes you have to go to the bathroom more (#2) when taking the higher dosage. The friend of mine who takes it said she didn't care, she felt so much better.

I know this won't help you right this moment. Make sure you've had something to eat. Anxiety can be triggered by low blood sugar also.

{{{Sis}}} What they need... is for mom to be okay. Why not "tell" them you're having a tough time? Kids can see right through mom putting on a "happy face". Maybe ask them if they'll say a prayer for you. Right then. I think just hearing their prayers would do you a world of good. Finally, write down your fears, then YOU say a prayer, "God, I'm out of sorts right now. I need your help. Here. Take my anxiety and fears. I can't fix this. My boys need me." Then tear the paper up and THROW IT AWAY.

Then go have a great weekend with your boys. EVERY minute doesn't have to be filled. Just being with mom is probably cool for them.

((lilsis))

Just breathe. Really-take in a deep lung filling breath through your nose and hold it for 3-5 seconds. Then, let it out through your mouth, also for a count of 3-5. It checks the chemical change that panic creates. You may have to do it a few times. It can help you also focus on something positive. I learned this technique from ptsd after witnessing a tragic accident. It really helped.

For the week-end with the boys-how about just having a "lazy weekend". My kids needed down time through all this too. We'd watch old movies or marathons of tv shows we liked. We'd putter around the house. We'd eat cereal for dinner.

Sometimes it's okay to downshift and just "hang out."

The weekends are not a performance or a competition.
And you don't have to schedule everything.

Movies are a great way to relax and veg-out!

FCF: I will look up the dietary stuff...I have been eating horribly this week; lots of meetings and eating on the go. I had not considered the impact on me physically. Thank you for pointing that out...I'm sure it's a factor.

PM: I sat right down and wrote out my fears. Before I say my prayer and throw it away, I just wanted to tell you...I wrote down a page full of fears (no problems coming up with them...) but the one that stood out as I read it over, "I am afraid that H will never come home and that the boys and I will never see him again."

It was in the middle of the whole page of fears...but when I read it over, that one made me stop and think...Yep, that's it. Boiled down to a few words. My deepest fear.

Now I am going to complete this, say the prayer and tear up the fears and give them to God. Then I am going to go pick up the boys, tell them that I'm not having a great day, what do they think will cheer me up? (they love a challenge!) and allow God to lead us through the rest of the day and weekend.

No pressure. No need for perfection. Right?

an attic picnic tonight...movies and a pile of those frozen treats that the boys get to pick out...

AFTER a walk or shooting baskets to burn off some energy

AFTER some deep, cleansing breaths, sitting outside feeling the warm sun on my face...


thank you everyone for running to my rescue...

Sounds like an EXCELLENT plan lilsis.

I found this for you:

"Fear not. Do not be afraid." God knows our tendency to let circumstances terrify us. And yes, God definitely does care.

...The waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4: 37-40

God can calm your inner storms, even though outside the waters may still be rough. You are not promised an easy journey, but you are promised God's presence all along the way.


Yeppers. Just you (remembering God's promises in your head) and the boys chillin'... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LS-

Have you tried any anti-anxiety meds? I went on them after having a lot of panic attacks- I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or I would find myself eying the door, thinking, "I can just run through that door, and NEVER look back!" So I finally made a dr. appointment.

I told the dr. that I did not want to feel drugged up (like Xannax) I just wanted to feel normal, and I just wanted it until most of my drama had passed. So the Dr. came up with a plan and 2 meds. that make me feel like myself. I still feel like me, but I am not having any extreme anxiety.

You should talk to your dr. about all of your options. It will help.

Good luck!

Sadmo

All blessings, Sis. He is faithful, even when the people we love are not.

Neak: How did you know I was thinking of you? I was just this morning re-reading something you had written to me previously...

Before bed, I picked up the Bible; I wanted to re-read (for the 1000th time it seems like) the Prodigal Son.

I opened it to Job...either 21 or 22? Job was responding to three friends, asking why is it that those who have rejected God seem to live life on, happily, without suffering. Job seemed to be expressing the same feelings that I have had...why, why does God allow innocents to suffer, yet those who reject him suffer not?

I was so tired (had taken a Benadryl for my allergies) that I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I am going to continue on in Job...I never got to the Prodigal Son. Probably the Prodigal Son would be the better read, I have a feeling that Job's not going to tell me what I want to hear. (Don't forget this is all a first-time read for me)

I think what meggy's story evoked was envy. Deep down, I am envious that she recovered her marriage. An ugly emotion...which is why I feel badly. I know--even intellectually, now!!! which is a switch--that I will recover from this...I will survive it.

The thing is, I STILL want to recover my marriage, and when I look at ALL the ugliness, it seems so impossible. Then I read meggy's story--whose story is pretty darn ugly--and I think it is possible. And I want it, too.

Oh, well...off to a program on birds of prey with the boys. It is a beautiful day. I am counting my blessings--2 at least! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think Job is excellent.

He finally asked God, why did You do this to me? (With the reader knowing, of course, that it wasn't God, though He did permit the trial.)

God didn't answer Job's question directly. He asked him a bunch of questions instead. Can you measure the weight of the wind? Were you here when I made the world? Can you hang the earth upon nothing? Can you loose the bands of Orion?

By the end, Job repented "in dust and ashes". Though he still didn't understand why the trial had been permitted, and couldn't see that his actions had vindicated God before an entire universe of watchers, he could see that any God big enough to do all that, was big enough to trust with his life. Even when everything was going wrong.

Job passed the test. God blessed him with much more than he had already had before, and gave him ten more children.

As far as we know, Job himself never found out just how much was at stake on his faithfulness. He may have lived all his days wondering, what was that all about, anyway? He may not have known that he was the hero of all heaven.

You will get discouraged sometimes, too. It is a normal part of the process you are in. But if you hold on in faith, contrary to what you can see, you are the same kind of hero.

You are blessed today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />