Job was the book that really helped me get through my journey. The thing about it is, I taught it in my AP English class for 8 years as a book of ancient poetry with many allusions that pop up in literature today. Talk about a God-thing! He was preparing me to know that text so that when I needed to learn it with my heart, I was familiar with it. Even then, it was like reading it over again new.

If I were you, I would start in chapter 38 where God answers Job by basically questioning if Job had control over the world and universe. God lists everything from stars to wildlife, to the sea. It's very poetic.

For me, the verses "can you loose the bands of Orion?" that Neak shared showed me that God is totally in control. When I first got my cancer diagnosis and wondered why so much bad stuff seemed to be happening so fast, I stood outside and looked at the night sky and those words came back to me almost like God was telling them directly to me. That helped me understand Job when he said to God- "I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." (42:2) I don't have to understand why. God's got in in His control. If anyone can do the impossible, it is the God who calls out the stars and counts the clouds.

You will be able to look back and see that it is true that "..we know that suffering pproduces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character,hope." Rom 5:3-4


In His grip-

PS: Phillip Yancey's book, The Bible Jesus Read goes over what Job and Psalms may have meant to Jesus. It's pretty good for insights into the whole book of Job.

More of Job is on tonight's reading list.

Confession time: I fell back into some old, destructive thought patterns today. I had to remind myself that they weren't true, even though they were FEELING really true.

The old thought pattern: for WH to have left all this, everything that he always loved and enjoyed, his boys, being with his family...for him to have left ALL of that without so much as a second glance...I must have been the most horrible, awful, repulsive thing on the face of the earth. Which then also means that I am not worthy of the kids, either.

Because we spent ALL day doing things that WH always LOVED, and I couldn't stop thinking that he would have LOVED this. The boys and I went on this nature program held at this really great nature center that I'd never even heard of before (about 45 minutes away, but well worth it). They had a falconer there with his birds, and we got to see some other previously injured raptors that they keep there now. DS11 is a huge bird fan. After the program, the boys and I stayed there for about 2 more hours, wandering around on these great trails, looking at bugs and listening for birds. We saw a pair of Sandhill Cranes, and a pheasant. We were the only ones around.

After we left, we stopped for burgers, then went to a state park where we could hike through the dunes to the beach...ahhh...the beach...my favorite place in the world. Nothing like Lake Michigan in the afternoon. We wandered on the beach and the boys built a whole fort for some ladybugs, with a moat and all. We wrote wishes in the sand at the water's edge so that they could be washed out into the lake and become as big as Lake Michigan.

There are so many beaches within a half-hour drive from my house...we are so fortunate. This was one beach that even WH had never taken us to before...so thankfully no memories of "the last time we came here..."

Although this particular beach was near a town where WH and I had spent a day the summer before last (mid-A), during the time that I was nearly despondent over his distance. I remember begging him to find out what was going on with him, begging him to tell me what I could do, and he just shrugged, like he didn't care...I had already failed him. On the drive home, I was crying..."All I want is to be happy!"

And his response--his SHOUTED response--was, "I guess you really f***ed that up, didn't you, LS!" I sat the rest of the ride crying in stunned silence.

When we got home, I ran up to the attic (which was nothing but dust and insulation at the time) and bawled my eyes out for an hour. WH never said a word, never apologized.

It was abusive, actually...looking back. He was so cruel, so hurtful, said so many awful things...and this was BEFORE d-day. Then he would turn around and have these moments where he would say, "Look at this...this is everything that's important to me, my kids, my wife...my family. Why can't I be happy? There's something wrong with me." or when he said, "I'm so sorry, LS. I'm going to start going to counseling. I felt nothing today when I heard the first red-winged blackbird. I can't live like this, and you don't deserve it."

I was certain he was depressed, and just needed a good therapist and some good ADs, so I was totally relieved....thinking we'd hit bottom and could start climbing back up.

I just hate the memories....I hate them. They hurt. It seems like I don't have one memory over the past 13 years that doesn't hurt. Because each memory was either wrapped in a lie, or is of a man who is lost forever. Neither one is a good option.

[color:"blue"]This is the truth.

Drug addicts don't/can't enjoy the things they used to.

Everything fades to black except their drug... [/color]

spouse, kids, family.... the first red-winged blackbird.

[color:"blue"]Typical addicted wayward.


~ Marsh [/color]

I've been reading your story since I am also contemplating plan b in the near future. I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness in remembering the past with your H. But you did have a wonderful day with your children and this time there were no shouted, cruel words directed at you. Just hold your children tightly and build new memories with them, and without the abuse. I know it's hard, I'm there right now too. But I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel where I don't miss him as much and I don't wonder as often what I did wrong. Hang in there.. there are so many more of us out here who are in your corner than you even know.

While my husband was in his A, my father was deathly ill and in a coma in Johns Hopkins University hospital a couple hours away. Husband drove me to see him, and during the ride, I read Job out loud to him.

After D-Day I said I felt embarrassed, and accused him of being cynical, thinking what a drag I am compared to shallow mow, knowing how little he thought of me, then.

But he denied that, telling me he respected it and it made him feel closer to me.

God works in mysterious ways. I just wanted to share.

Thanks, Forever. If you are in a good place now, you'll do fine in Plan B.

Marsh: It does fit SO perfectly, doesn't it, with the whole addiction model? We ALL see it, from our end. Mimi said it once...and she is right...the whole psychology of this (WS and BS) is ripe for some extensive scientific research. I am amazed that there is so little, really, given that so many marriages break up over it, and I think there is pretty broad-based agreement that divorce is not a good thing for anyone, ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. And when you think about an A, you have the potential for the destruction of two families. (raising my hand)

But clearly...there are a lot of WSs who go on with the OP and either never come back or who wait so long to pull their head out that it's just too late. I hear over and over here (and people cite Harley and Pittman) that "As always end," but there sure are a lot of people here for whom they have not, or did not.

And more and more people in MY environment seem to be turning that blind eye to WH's choices...it makes me feel ill. "WH isn't addicted! He's just found someone new, and is selfishly behaving like an adolescent. Divorces happen all the time, LS. Half of marriages. You are not immune. Just move on. So, did you see that new movie?" Like we are talking about how the weather changes.

Nevermind, I guess, that no one in my family or WH's has ever been divorced (with the exception of my sister, whose son died when he was 2 and has never recovered from that loss). Nevermind that WH was his whole adult life (until 3 years ago) had contempt for cheaters and who dispised divorce. To me, it feels like no one else CARES...not about me...but about HIM. Can't they SEE it isn't him? Did they care so little about the good guy that they will accept this behavior as NORMAL?

GRRRR.....this weekend has been one long battle of the mind to put this away. I have given up the need to control, to DO something, but I haven't given up wishing for movement or feeling real pain from my memories (maybe that's just code for wanting to do something...??)

The new memories seem less "full" somehow. Like it's still off kilter, not quite right.

Maybe part of this is due to Thursday's upcoming "settlement conference"...knowing that I will be innundated with emotion and pain and reality. If it makes you all feel any better, I do have plans for that evening...the poker/Chicago girls are having a surprise shower.

Does anyone get the feeling sometimes that something's got to give? I'm six weeks (technically) into Plan B, and probably only one week (really). Seems like it's been a lot longer than that...

Sis, I ON and OFF feel the 'something's gotta give' feeling. That is a feeling of desperation, and IT WILL FADE.

I had a EUREKA moment, where I completely and totally realized that I have to live my life without my husband, and I need to begin to enjoy my life again. I immediately planned a vacation. IMMEDIATELY. I feel the burden, and this is BIG, so hear me, THE BURDEN of the recovery of our M is gone from me. I have a plan, and I'm following it, outside of that, RECOVERY is on him.

I'm not saying that I don't feel the loss anymore, but I don't feel it so acutely, and it doesn't inundate my every thought, not anymore. Good thing is, quietly, and in my own way, I am still on the battlefields, still at the front.

You will get there Sis, but control issues can be very hard to break. Read what Orchid is saying about her reaction to a WAYWARD spouse. She put the world of recovery on her WH's shoulders and said we will accept no less. That is where I am now. It takes a while for desperation to turn to resolve.

((( Sis )))

I am willing to bet that those who are telling you about the divorce rate and to move on have not been betrayed like this themselves. As always is the case, you have absolutely, positively no idea how something will feel -- UNTIL it happens to you. right ?

Try to be happy for your friends/family that they have not been through this pain and embrace them for being there - in whatever capacity they are able.

Sis ~ I pray for you and your sons every single day.

SL: I think I have had that realization that the burden is gone from me. It didn't come so much as a EUREKA moment...but I do not feel any longer as if the burden is on me. No...I did my Plan A...that was my burden. I begged him prior to d-day to work on our marriage, to tell me what was wrong. That was simply fulfilling my vow....so is all of this actually...keeping the promise I made.

I did everything that I could think of, everything that I could manage, to save my marriage. Yes, I have regrets, but the emotional strain was intense....and whatever regrets I have couldn't possibly compare to the regrets that I would have if I were WH. I was never deliberately malicious. cruel, calculating. I never abandoned the boys. I never betrayed the person I vowed to honor for the rest of my life.

Everything that Orchid is saying resonates with me exactly. After everything I have been through, I don't know how I would react if H walked in the door. The burden would definitely be on him to prove that he's working on earning his F badge. That's why I was asking the question the other day...and mimi and meggy both talked about how they finally KNEW...their FWHs both came home absolutely broken.

The "something's got to give" feeling isn't about me...it's about him, about others...I sometimes feel like I am the only one experiencing this same reality. (Thank God others here validate my feelings or I'd be checking myself in to the psych hospital).

And even though I know I don't hold the burden anymore...I still get twinges of panic that this whole thing IS my fault...and other times that I feel the loss of H so accutely. It's those bad days....

I talked to my mom (yes, my mom!) and she HELPED me today. I was being really negative, really down on myself, feeling totally overwhelmed by a yard that needs all the spring stuff done (weed and feed, cleaning up, gardening, etc.) and the house needs it, too. Plus there's laundry, grocery shopping, court this week...I was crying.

Crying...I said I wished dad were here. She mis-heard me, and said sadly, "Yes, the one who doesn't exist anymore." I realized that she thought I had said WH's name. For some reason, I appreciated that so much. She didn't say it right then, but I understood...she regrets the loss of H, too. She sees it as a split...that he's a different person, all of that. She still cares for the old H...and swears to me that my memories were not all a lie, that he WAS sincere and loving...and he is gone now.

So here I am sobbing...and she just up and said she was coming on Thursday after she's done teaching. She will watch the boys while I go to my Chicago-girls party, and while I'm at work on Friday she will work in the garden or clean my house....whatever needs to be done.

She ACTS...I guess that's where I get it. She's a do-er, just like me. Can't sit around and let a problem go unsolved without trying every avenue to resolve it (even if it means hijacking the problem, which is something I try NOT to do). She can't turn away, can't pretend the problem doesn't exist, or if she ignores it will go away (this would be the IL's MO).

No, I can never quite measure up to my mom's standards, I can never quite get her to see my perspective if she has her mind made up, but when the chips are down, she's the one who steps in and saves the day. She's at her best then, being mamma bear. So carn, I am grateful for her being there, and everyone else who IS there...

LilSis, you don't know me, but I have been here for some time listening. I feel such sympathy for you, and so does the Lord. Right now the Lord is wanting you to begin to forgive your husband. Ask Him and He will help you do this. This will also help your anxiety and the memories that are haunting you. Forgiving your husband does not make what he is doing right. Forgiving him will free and heal you of depression and anger. It won't happen overnight, but if you begin asking God now to help you do this you will see a change in your pain level. I promise.

Praying for you and the boys,
Lady

Lady:
Every time I feel like I can get to a forgiving place, something else happens. Who am I forgiving? WH? H? Myself? There's so much of this that I have to work out.

I have done a lot of reading on forgiveness, and I'm in the camp that my job is to be prepared to offer forgiveness (not that I have to say that aloud), regardless of whether or not the person I am forgiving has asked for it. I can only control me...I need to make myself ready to forgive if asked.

So I need to get to the point where I forgive him in my head and heart. If he asks for and accepts forgiveness from me, then the cycle between us is complete. He has to do the same with God.

I think my pain has more to do with the LOSS of H...that good, admirable man. It is as if he died. I have to let him go, to understand and to internalize that he is DEAD. That's my pain. I miss him, I grieve for him, I'm angry that he was taken away...all the same stuff than people go through when a spouse dies....only worse.

Exactly LS...and well put.

Forgiveness is a gift

you give to yourself

I just came back from the little neighborhood family-owned market, one of those with great produce, fresh bread, huge cheese selection, and a real butcher counter. I used to stop there once or twice a week just to pick up bread, milk, whatever small items I needed as opposed to going to the grocery store.

I haven't been there since the day of the "incident." It is half a block from RT's house.

I took the long way around to avoid going down a street that would put me within sight distance of her house. I felt so funny being back in there...I've been in that store hundreds of times but I have felt like I couldn't/shouldn't be there. Truly, afraid to be that near her house; what if I saw her? I'd probably throw up. And the fact that I was there THAT day...it was such a "normal" day until it happened...

But I went, and made it...thankfully the kids were there so I couldn't get too panicky. But I did not like it, and couldn't wait to get out of there. I used to love that place.

This is the kind of stuff that's so discouraging.

Grrrr... that makes me so upset for you. One of these days kiddo, you're going to reclaim that place. Don't tell me it can't be done (remember?). Keep the faith!

move.

get away from those triggers.

new memories, new stores, new schools, new gas stations, new police force, new house, new pets.

embrace new things. make it FUN.

Sis, I pass the exit sign for the town that my WH and Aimless are living in and I cringe. I think the whole town will be off limits for quite some time.

If I could move, sometimes I think I would, and I don't even live anywhere near WH and either OW. It's a pretty interesting suggestion.

There is a concert where my WH works that I would like to see, and when I saw that it was being held there, I rejected it right away. His place of work is EVIL to me. It's a ship of RATS, that place is. Such a shame, really.

Stay the heck away from that store. You can get milk and cheese anywhere. Get online and look for a new market, something small and interesting.

Actually, I have been here for about 4 years, and I can safely say that A's do not last. I can only think of 1 A relationship that was on here when I first logged in, that is still active today. When you say that there are a "Lot of people" on here whose A has not ended, that is just because it is still too soon.

Also, I think that many times the A eventually falls apart but by then the BS has "moved on" and it is really sort of a non-event, and they don't come back here to report it.

WOF: Thank you for the perspective. It's hard not to read about all of this suffering day after day and wonder why there is no recovery that is unfolding now...real time. Yes, on my timeline! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lex and SL: Far more preferable would be my ability to deal with these triggers. Please someone tell me that will get better with time; it would have to, right?!?!

A move isn't in the cards. The kids are finally settled in a new school district and have that stability of familiarity in world that has been disturbingly uncertain as of late. I have a fabulous, very well-paying job that offers a ton of flexibility...plus they know all about my "past" and are okay with it. A new job would mean disclosing that.

The custody order will also prohibit me from moving any further than 100 miles without going back to court, and I would have to prove that it would vastly improve my circumstances to move (how ironic is THAT?? WH can destroy our family no questions asked, and I have to get court approval to escape).

I just need to get back up on that high horse. Hold my head high. I'm hoping that today was just dipping in my toe into that one pool, and that I'll get used to it.

There are triggers E V E R Y W H E R E. I have to believe that as *I* recover, as *I* get stronger, I'll know how to deal with them...either they won't hurt so much with time, or I'll just laugh at them, or I'll come to realize that I will not allow them to affect me, and I will choose to pick up and move away....on my terms.

Right now, it would be running away, and I don't do that.

SL: I think that RT and Aimless have the same name.

Sis, it will get better, I promise you this, time does wound all heals...

I still have triggers that abound, but I am better able to shake many.

Here's a for instance, every night, my WH calls at 8PM to speak to DS. Ring, ring, the bell goes, and ring ring goes my head. One of the calls that my son took, I could tell that WH was in a bar, and my imagination went off on it's own expedition. It's tough, but I get through faster these days.

I know it's not fair, but I would avoid those places that cause you such trauma, at least until you are in a better stage with all of this.

You will find that it gets easier.

Hey, I have one great job, where my bosses are like family, and even with that, I have considered a change. I won't be doing that anytime soon, but I think of it as an option.

I agree that you have enough going on right now, IMO, just avoid the triggers.