Sis, that's EXACTLY what I thought when I read that! Could it be? Nah... just the same TYPE.

I have to say, SL, I'm REALLY impressed that WH calls your DS every night. Even from the bar. At least he cares THAT much (showing you a little pinch). My boys are old enough to actually have a conversation on the phone that goes beyond the "yes" and "no" when they were your son's age, and WH never calls.

When I'm in a good place, then I know that the world is my oyster...that I can do whatever I want and I do NOT have to skulk around worrying about running into that disgusting piece of trash. (high horse days)

On my bad days, I want to hide under my blankets all day because I can't make a cup of coffee without being triggered.

On my in-between days, I know to avoid going certain places or taking a certain route because it's in my best interest to do so. Just tread water.

WEll, I have to say that YOU are very in touch with yourself.

Way to go, LilSis! I also agree with you an SL's WH calling...STBX knows he can call and choose not too! WHat a shame and L likes talking on the phone...

Like my IC said "STBX is no more worried about you than he is the kids...I'm sorry to say"

Sad but true, I guess we were just in his way...well, he's out of mine too!

Rin, I like your IC's take on things...it just seems to fit very well.

...but then again, WH is a good father, according to my MIL. Uh-huh.

Sick cat this AM and I can't get him in to the vet until 6:20 tonight. I HAVE to be at work today and my only option was to get him in first thing this AM but there are no openings.

Dead rat last week and a 14-y.o. cat who's not taking fluids or eating this week. Of course WH is off today and COULD deal with the cat issue while I go earn a living, but that's not a possibility. Life's busy when you are living rent-free at your parent's house with no kids, a postage stamp yard, no garden....oh, wait. He's washing his own underwear now...unless he ships it off to RT to do for him.

Sigh. Too much to deal with right now. My stomach is in knots.

BTW...we had a service for the rat on Sunday. The neighbors came over and Mr. Neighbor said a few words to make it very offical and formal.

I once had a funeral for a hampster.


it doesn't seem fair that you get extra work because of plan B...but, i guess that's the down side of plan B .....hope kitty is ok.

Sis, I have always been pleased by the fact that WH called DS every night. It's just not enough. Too little. His son needs him every minute of every hour of every day. It's just too little.

My WH has always paid CS and almiony also, but that doesn't bring my family back. It DOES keep life, FOR his family, on an even keel. I haven't had to change my lifestyle much, so far. He does care for his family in the most minute way right now.

Sis, I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I have one of mine buried in the backyard under my cherry tree. He was the most ornery, and my favorite.

SL: I was able to inject about 4 cc of water into kitty's mouth before I left for work, so hopefully he won't dehydrate while I'm gone. That's my biggest worry.

I agree about the phone calls, and I didn't mean to imply that your WH was doing anything remotely "admirable" by his phone calls. My WH also has been very good about the financial stuff, but phone calls = zero. I guess that's what he pays me for. yuck

I'm much better now that I’m at work, competent, and a kick a$$ doer-of-what-I-do. I juggled my calendar around some, and I’ve found time now to do all the things that need to be done today and tomorrow…Thursday will just work itself out. One of my good friends from work is going with me on Thursday; I just want an extra set of ears there and someone to hold my hand.

One of the “joys” of living an hour away from any family is that I’m on my own sometimes. Meanwhile, WH has more family than I can count. I’m hoping that my A is right and Thursday is a “big nothing.” Scheduling and stuff like that; but “settlement conference” makes me think we’re talking property division. I know it’s stupid, but I have been so avoiding calling my A to get more info because I am worried that it will just increase my already way high anxiety.

My neighbor suggested that it could be that at this conference, WH will put his “stuff” out there (what he wants), and my A’s strategy/response (knowing I want to drag this out) will be a “we’ll think about this and get back with you.” We are in no hurry.

My mom is all over making plans for Cape Cod; she wants to use her worldperks and get our tickets. I think my sobbing phone conversation with her on Sunday put her in the mamma bear/action mode and she wants to get me back on the right track. Yay, mom.

*********

Okay, here’s a weird thing that happened this morning. Please don’t think I’m nuts on this one. You all know that I miss my dad a great deal; he died six years ago this June. Sometimes I talk to him. You’ll be relieved to know that he doesn’t talk back (loony bin!!), but I can picture him there, listening and nodding. I wish he would talk back, honestly.

This morning, right when I woke up, I had this image: there’s my dad…the same image I always have of him when I “talk” to him, but right next to him is H. They are sitting there talking and laughing…just like they used to. I just got this very clear feeling that H is dead. He’s gone. I felt a peace with that. Gosh, it’s weird to even try to describe. That man that I love is gone…forever? Must be, if he’s with my dad. But the peace came from knowing that H was REAL…that WH wasn’t really there deep down all the time, that WH isn’t his “true” self.

I like thinking that H is with my dad, and that they are both up there looking out for me. But that means he's gone forever...just like Dad. How weird is that…to have this image and this notion that he’s dead…I’m mean REALLY dead…not just metaphorically?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sis,

First, keep up kicking booty at work! It is a GREAT feeling, isn't it?

Second, you are not nuts with the image of your H being in the same place as your Dad.

I see that as a possibly very healthy thing, in that you have put your H in a SAFE place, a GOOD place, where you can continue to cherish him, just as your cherish the your Dad and the memories of him.

It's all in how you choose to look at it. Choose a healthy point of view when you have the option!

Wow...great thinking, Bugs! I didn't quite know HOW to look at it; good/bad...but your interpretation seems right: my dad helping me to hold on to what is right and true and good. Letting me know that it's OKAY to do that; that he knew that H was right and true and good, too, and that he (my dad) can still "be" with H, even after what WH has done.

How's that for confusing? But it works, in my mind.

Thanks, Bugs! That really helps.

WHEW!! I was a little nervous after I posted that, because I know how minds work differently,,,,,,

Glad we were on the same kind of wave length there!

Not really all that confusing to me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, so, so glad to be able to help someone else for a change!!

hey LS...
what week did you decide to go to the cape?
do you know what town you will be staying in?
just curious.

LS:

Plan B is working for you.....

Not for WH. But he's RT's problem now....

(((LS)))

Sis, you are getting there. What it sounds like, from my perspective, is that you are letting go. There has been a big shift since I let go. I still long for my H, but I think of him as gone; maybe not dead, but gone. Almost like my H is in a coma...

I am moving forward with my life without WH, without H. It took me a while (5 months really) after my initial Plan B, to get here. Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 7 months since Plan B started for me (with that 1 month false recovery in between Feb-March).

Stopping in to say hi, and how is the poor cat?

Hi Neak! Kitty's going to be okay, thanks. Whew...no more pet funerals. After $126, IV fluids, antibiotics and a bucket full of cat hair in the Vibe, he should be getting back to his old self by tomorrow. Yay! Worth every penny.

Nia: I told my mom that pretty much any time in July was good for the Cape; she's going to try getting tickets with her miles. I don't know the town, but for some reason p-town comes to mind? My aunt lives in Worcester, with a place on the cape, so I don't have the address.

Thanks for checking in, LG. I'll be honest and say I wish I believed that Plan B wasn't working for WH. Even totally dark, it still hurts when he can drop off the boys and drive away....from them, from me, from our house, from our life....ouch.

SL: I am letting go; I keep my eye on you, though, for inspiration. You're okay, so I'll be okay. You are a beacon to me.

LilSis,

My hometown is about 20 minutes from Worcester.

Still

Another day….as Neak said to me, each day is just one day closer to the inevitable end to the adulterous liaison. It would be nice, however, if I knew if that end would come next week or next decade…

I had such a strong sense today that I am RIGHT. Righteous, even. (yikes! Don’t shoot me!) My husband is an addict. He is a good man who got himself addicted to a substance and as a result, is making hurtful, destructive choices for himself and his family.

I still love my husband. I want to fight for him, but I know that I can’t…that the best thing I can do for him is to let him bottom out (and get the he11 out of his way). Just like any addict, he can’t be talked out of his addiction. I love him, so I want him to beat his addiction…I want that more than anything. I also know that just like any addict, my real husband will emerge—scarred and battered—but he will emerge once—IF-- he ever beats the addiction. I am truly okay with that.

But this was my realization. With the exception of you all, I feel like I am alone in this viewpoint. I feel like everyone else has just decided that H is gone forever, or that this is who he is now and I need to accept that, or that he has some kind of personality disorder, or that he never really “was” in the first place. I don’t believe any of that, and I feel as if those who do believe that are giving up on H. And this makes me angry and sad. I feel like I’m the only one standing up for my husband, the only one who believes that he’s not lost FOREVER—that he’s still there, the only one who believes that he can escape this nightmare, but that he needs to fight his way out of the addiction.

I’ve called it an addiction since about two days after he left…about two weeks after d-day. It was crystal clear to me then, even before MB, but no one believed me…and no one else does still…except my best friend who is a FBW, and maybe my friend whose husband has just recently quit drinking after totally hitting bottom. She KNOWS what it’s like to live with an addict. I have a feeling my dad would know, too…he was a social worker and was very world-wise.

It just makes me sad that it seems like I’m the only one who believes in the real H. I feel like everyone else has just given up on him. I’m going to talk to my mom about it…she really, really loved H, and she absolutely believes that he was a good, honorable man. She might get it…she’s also pretty world-wise, and isn’t thrown by labels or afraid of stigma. She believes what she believes, and that’s that. (Makes her difficult when you aren’t right there with her, but if you are on the same page, it’s great!)

p-town...provincetown?
it's at the tip of the cape.
i don't want to scare you off....but i will be at the cape in july. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

we lived in a little town between worcester and boston....we all miss it terribly.

My dad grew up in Auburn. I assume Provincetown is what they are referring to...?? I have no idea, I just remember hearing them (she and the women with whom she owns the place) talk about p-town? They've had a place there forever...

Doesn't scare me off a bit that you will be there, nia. I'd love to meet for a drink (and a cry). I don't know when we will be there.

24 hours from now and the "settlement conference" should be over. One more step closer to the end of my marriage to the man that I thought--I KNEW--I would grow old with, retire with, have grandchildren with. We were supposed to live our lives together, be happy, be sad, grieve, laugh. Together. I feel sick to my stomach.

How can this be happening?

Good luck tomorrow sis.

Let your attorney do their job and protect you and look out for the best interests of you and the boys -- regardless of WH.

Don't feel too sorry for him; he chose this route. Now you just have to walk it to the best of your ability.

Insulate yourself from WH by using your attorney.