Sis, for me that's why this place is so important. What I've learned from here is what makes me able to do what I'm doing. Other people don't know. You describe the addiction to them, and sometimes they agree with you and sometimes their eyes glass over. Always there's a sense of "But how long are you going to keep doing this?" Other people don't get it. They don't know.

And I think that understanding it makes it harder. My WW appears sane most of the time--if I just listened to her, I would have given up long ago. But her actions follow the pattern, so she *will* wake up at some point. What's best for my kids is if I'm still available to reconcile at that point, so I work my plan B. I think it would be easier if I didn't understand how the affair works, because then I could walk away and *really* move on. The right thing to do frequently isn't the easiest thing to do.

Good luck tomorrow, Sis. Shield yourself as much as possible, and know that you will get triggered. Remember to breathe and be calm.

(((LS)))

(((LilSis)))

Are you remembering to practice: "That may be YOUR point of view, but mine differs GREATLY"?? Practice it 25 times a day until you can say it in your sleep...because I guarantee you that your WH will try to push your buttons sometime tomorrow. Even if he's in another room, he will try to say the ONE THING that really hurts you and pushes your buttons just to get you to react. Be ready for it. He may say you have been a HORRIBLE mother and that he has witnesses. He may say that you are violent and abusive. He may say that you caused him to lose his job with your tantrums. SOMETHING.

Go into this settlement conference with your heart behind a shield and sort of detached. No matter what he says, just let it completely bounce off your shield and tell him that may be his point of view, but your point of view differs greatly. You can do it!!!! You will be alright -AND- we will all be here praying for you!!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Lil Sis... please allow me to pray for you for tomorrow.

Father, I ask that you give Lil Sis strength tomorrow as she faces the giant in her life. Give her the wisdom that she needs to stand strong for her marriage and her family. Let her not be discouraged or beaten down. Let her light SHINE so brightly that all around know that You are in control.

You know her heart is broken and that she longs for an end of this time of trouble. Heal her broken heart and bind up her wounds. Give her a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Thank You for your promise that all things are possible with You Lord Jesus, and that You, and You alone, will give her peace-- that no one can understand. You have WH’s heart in your hand. If need be, break Him Lord, as you broke my husband. Let him SEE the carnage he is creating. Let him SEE the tears in his children’s hearts. Let him SEE the destructive path that lays ahead if he continues on this road. Let him SEE the beauty of Lil Sis… her goodness… her kindness… and her love. Turn his heart back Lord to the wife of his youth.

Lord, help Lil Sis to take captive every destructive thought she may have and make it obedient to You. She will not be afraid, for You are with her. She will not be dismayed, for You are her God. Thank You that anyone who contends with her or wars against her or comes to destroy her marriage, is as nothing, as a nonexistent thing, for You, the Lord God, hold her right hand, telling her to “Fear not, I will help you.”

Let her be calm in the face of her adversary and that no matter what happens, she will know in her heart that You are God and will NEVER leave her.

Amen.

LilSis,

The very best of luck tomorrow. You will do great!

Thinking of you, Sis, and sending good thoughts your way.

(((((Sis)))))

Sis, I like CJ's approach, kinda the 'I'm rubber, you're glue' thing for adults.

You totally rock, girl! You perservered a most beautiful plan A, when many would have just sunk into a depressive state, you kept fighting, sending the notes and giving the hugs and the roses. You, quite literally, smiled in the face of a monster and kissed it good bye every time. I am in utter awe of your strength.

Carry that with you tomorrow Sis, that you will prevail, no matter what is thrown up for you to react to, you will prevail. Be cool, Sis, reeeeal, cool Just play it cool... ...

Hey Sis,

I've followed your thread since the beginning and think of you often.

I know tomorrow is a big day and wanted you to know that I, and I assume countless others from this board, will be praying for you. Princessmeggy's prayer said it all.

I am not one to pass on email forwards...and most I barely even look at. But this one touched me today. Actually, a good friend called from out of the blue to read it to me. She felt a leading from God to share it with me. It was much needed and very timely.

When I heard it, I thought of you and thought I would share it with you.

It's long, but worth the read.

THE DARK TUNNEL OF DEPRESSION

Jesus will walk with you down your long dark tunnel. At first
even His presence may seem far away. But if you look, and
feel, He is there. Right by your side you can feel Him
standing there. Suppose you had to walk this path alone? But
you don't -- He is actually there. You can talk with Him.
Share your bitterness, your anger, your guilt. Tell Him how
depressed you are. Tell how afraid of the darkness you are.
Tell Him how lonely you are.

He provides courage in that dark tunnel life has forced you to
walk...

While you may see no light at the end of your tunnel, you
never know when the tunnel will curve. And right around that
curve may burst the light of a great new day. You cannot see
it from where you are right now, but it is there.

Then, too, every tunnel ends someplace. Otherwise it would
just be a cave. And life is definitely not a cave for the
Christian. Jesus verified that by His resurrection. Listen
closely and you may hear His voice bidding you to quicken your
pace.

I remember a time of tunnel walking years ago. The darkness
was suffocating -- so dense I could feel it. No light at the
end of my tunnel could be seen. I prayed -- or tried to -- but
I couldn't seem to get through the ceiling. Sleep was
impossible, so I went outside and walked around in the night.
When I looked up, the stars were all there. Not one was
missing. I thought surely there would not be one left, but I
was wrong. And the God who put them there was also right where
He had always been. The next morning the sun rose just as it
had always done. The birds were singing, too. Not even they
failed me. The day came when the tunnel took a sudden and
unexpected turn. There was light -- lots of light. There were
answers to prayers, too. It didn't happen overnight, but it
did happen.

Your tunnel will have light at its end, faithful Christian.
Just keep walking.

-- Robert E. Maner, as quoted by Barbara Johnson in "So, Stick
a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy!"

((( Sis )))

Sending prayers and thousands of hugs to you for tomorrow.

I know that you will be able to feel us all there with you.


carnation

Today’s the day.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughts and prayers. Meggy, your prayer touched me so deeply…I read it with tears streaming down my face…and then again, later, when I read yours, IAG.

I had my mini-nervous breakdown last night. It had been an incredibly hectic day working, with a volunteer activity with my students in the evening. I took the boys along, but it was 8:00 by the time we finished, they had not been fed, my kitchen was a disaster from the 220 cookies I had baked earlier in the day for the volunteer activity, and I had no food in the house. As we were driving home and I am contemplating all of this, where to stop for fast food, and stressing over court, the kids started fighting because one was touching the other. I screamed at them, “Knock it off!!” in my loudest, angriest voice. Then immediately burst into tears. The boys were silent, except for a tiny, “Sorry, mom.”

I dialed my sister, who was at home (my mom’s). I could barely get the words out, but just told her I was losing it and just needed to talk to her to hang on until I got home. She made sure I was safe, talked to me calmly, got me to realize that I had frozen pizzas in the freezer and the kids can just have that for dinner. We stayed on the phone for quite a while, and at some point she said, “Mom’s on her way.” Which made me cry harder. No one asked, the just did what needed to be done.

So an hour later (about 10 p.m.), my mom shows up, and she has a refrigerator full of groceries and a nice shoulder to cry on. Together, we cleaned up my kitchen, put away the dishes, and put away the groceries. Some sense of calm began to emerge from the rubble of my life…just having a clean kitchen. She told me what she’d be preparing for dinner. It felt so good just to have a person, a human being there with me. She has to drive all the way back home (1 hour) to teach a class this afternoon, but she’s coming back about 6 to watch the boys while I go hang out with my friends for the shower. They all know what’s going on so they won’t expect anything from me.

I spoke to my attorney this morning and he told me what will happen. He has drafted a pre-something something and it outlines the areas of dispute in the settlement. Knowing I want to drag it out, he came up with spousal support and “disproportionate division of assets based on fault” (even though MI is a no fault state). He asked if that sounded good, what I was thinking, if WH and I had talked at all about settlement…fine, not thinking about anything except getting through the day, and no. He reminded me that this will get finalized at some point; that I can’t put it off altogether. Yes, I know…I just don’t want to make it easy for him.

I’m positive that WH is going for the intimidation factor. He’ll show up in uniform…no question…he’ll want to look like the fine, upstanding cop who has a criminal wife. Today, for the first time since he left, I saw a cop car at the fire station that I pass on my way to work. WH would frequently go there to talk to the fire guys, use the bathroom, or run radar. I’m POSITIVE that he did that as a way to shake me today…knowing exactly what time I drop off the kids and would pass by there….clearly he has avoided being there for months now…he used to park there all the time. He chose TODAY to pay them a visit, right at the time I drive by...letting me know, probably, that he's going right on with his work day as if it is any other day.

My attorney also said that if I don’t want to see him, he can have me sit in a conference room. That’s what I’ve wanted to do, but I wonder if I should hold my head up and go into the courtroom….but I don’t know if I can keep from crying and I WON’T do that in front of him. Everything today will be between the lawyers and the judge. She will look at the issues and give an indication of where she stands on them, send us to mediation, or set a trial date. My friend from work is going with me to help me make sense of it all.

2:00 EDT, it is 10:00 right now. Four hours.

Sis, you can do this, you have your real live friend there with you, use her energy, too.

YOu can do this. If you cry, cry silently, let the tears roll down your face and quickly wipe them away with a tissue or hankie.

Don't let that [email]d@mned[/email] squad car shake you, Sis. KNOW that he is doing it on purpose, to shake you, and how MEAN that is, how Wayward that is. Your H is just not able to run the show right now. He has been possessed by this evil thing and TODAY is one of the days that you can use to start performing the exorcism of this demon. Today could be a good wakeup call for him.

Please breathe, slowly, calmly.

morning.
what a great mom you have!

about your WH....his car at the fire station.if you had not called the cottage i would have thought you were being paranoid about him and the way he intimidates. not anymore.

i trust your insticts @ him.
you know what he's about.
i also think he's probably always been a bit of an intimidating jerk and you prefer to forget about it.
stay away from him......stay in the conference room. don't let him see you.

nia has a good point, one to not be overlooked, maybe NOT being in court will deflate him a bit, because he is getting all dressed up for no one else but YOU. He's trying to rattle you. The attorney and judge and other people in the courtroom don't give much of a hoot what he is wearing, but YOU DO.

Hmmm, maybe staying out of the courtroom. I dunno, you may WANT to face him, only you can know that.

I know that you have said that your mother has had a high demand for perfection from you, but I see a very loving mother. She is always there when you need her, and that is mom in ACTION. She shows you how much she loves you. I'm so proud of the both of you.

Sis - the way I see this is by him trying to intimidate you just means that he is still emotionally connected to you. I see this as a good sign. He still cares what you think - even if it seems like it is in a bad way...

Him not caring one bit would be a bad sign - it is when they don't care one way or the other any more that things really change... make sense ?

My best friend LK is a Catholic school teacher. I told her to look at the picture of Jesus in her room at 2:00 and give a little shout out for me. She replied that she has 25 students praying every hour and she'll make sure they all do.

Just wanted to share that. It made me smile.

I'm not so sure it means WH is emotionally connected (although I understand your point). I think he just enjoys making me miserable and seeing me miserable; he gets some kind of twisted satisfaction out of it.

”Good, she’s miserable, because look how miserable she’s made ME…making me go through FOC, making me look bad in front of my friends and co-workers, telling everyone that I’m a cheater, getting in the way of my Brady Bunch fantasy. All this when I'm trying to be such a stand-up guy, paying her CS and making the house payment.”

and if he didn't CARE, he wouldn't BOTHER.

if he was so HAPPY, he would just get on with life.

LS, when I went through this with my XH I treated him extremely respectfully and fairly. There was no conflict. Because I just wanted to be DONE.

Your WH is not DONE. He is still playing games with you and your intermediary. He is still in "conflict".

You're telling yourself differently to protect yourself from the hope that he's still emotionally connected. I understand that. But we here on MB see it differently.

oooo Lexxxy, great post. That is what I have said to so many. No one puts effort into those things that they do not care about. If he didn't care, he wouldn't bother. I agree.

Read your own words, Sis




A person who has let go, doesn't take the time to HURT anybody, unless they are pure evil or a sociopath, and I know it is truly hard to believe, but I don't think your WH qualifies. He hasn't let go, he wants you to TAKE NOTICE of him, to feed his ego, whatever he can get from you at this point, he'll take. Now YOU are doling out the crumbs and he DON'T like it, not one bit...

My little voice tells me that is true...telling myself differently to protect myself from hope...couldn't really articulate it, though, and don't care to admit it, even to myself.

I'm really glad that you understand where that comes from, Lex.

(Having said that, I'm sure HE believes he is being very respectful and fair. But it doesn't feel that way to me at all.)

Thanks again everyone. You all here, plus my mom and all my other friends who are stepping up today, are going to get me through. I've been through worse...they all remind me...and I KNOW they are right. I can do it. One friend said not to sweat the in/out of the courtroom thing...just let my gut tell me what to do when I get there...and that will be the right decision.

It is true LilSis. You will clearly know when they have truly let go. Trust my experience on this. He is still in there somewhere.

BUT he won't SEE a "miserable" LilSis. The only thing he'll see is a calm, serene, beautiful woman exuding confidence and SHINING with the love, peace, joy, hope, mercy etc. that's inside her... no matter how ugly the circumstances.

Whether you see him or not, hold your head high and know that "you've got people" unseen lifting you up.

(((Sis)))

This is 100% passive/aggressive behaviour. He does something seemingly innocent and harmless ('I'm just talkin' to the fire guys!") while being fully aware that this action is going to zap YOU right in the head. Nasty, nasty, nasty, but also sadly predictable and really quite pathetic when you think about it.

If he didn't care about your Plan B, he wouldn't be pulling crap like this in pathetic attempts to get your attention.


Good. I think you should stay completely out of WH's just as you do all the rest of the time in Plan B. Do NOT let him get his fix of you. Let him strut and preen for ABSOLUTELY NO ONE and see how he feels about that.


Frankly, I think you are doing this to get your own fix of WH. Please do not do this. Continue to protect yourself from having to see him and experience his P/A cruelty and do NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing you. He will be expecting to see you and will absolutely be thrown off balance when he does not - and may be surprised at how disappointed he is.

Let Rat Turd deal with his grumpiness when he gets back from NOT seeing you.

Heh.
Mulan