Hi Sis -- I too always felt like I didn't deserve a pedicure, so I understand that... Once I started my new process of thinking - post MB - my toes never looked cuter !! Trust me, not only will you be staring at your feet all day, you will prolly never be without polish from now on -- what fun you will have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I also agree that WH just prolly wants to go fishing with his friends and is trying to make himself look good by changing plans about the boys...

Wow ~ new Sis on the inside ~ and new Sis on the outside !!

You Rock !!

Ahhhhh, the Pedicure....what an addictive pleasure!!

Can't have just one!!!

LilSis, I just wanted to let you know that your growth has been a huge inspiration to me, and I'm sure many others! And for some reason, I have started making more soup!

Keep up the hard work! And enjoy that pedicure, they're pure heaven!

Lilsis --
I've been gone for a few days, so I am a little late for the "concert" party....but want to throw in my idea --- how about a Tom-Selleck-Look-A-Like-Bodyguard????

Taller than WH..
Cuter than WH..
Stronger than WH..
Richer than WH..

And there 100% to protect you from approachment from any unwelcome concert attendees???


(ok, not serious...but fun to dream!!!)

WH is still trying to breach your Plan B. He thinks your sis is a weak link in your support wall. He thinks he can get her talking and get a "fix" of you. Why do you think he is so happy???? Still trying to protect yourself???

Oh heck no. He HATES Plan B.....

LS, Your sister should refer him back to LT for messages he needs conveyed to you. She should just tell him that she respects your need to be away from him right now and she simply doesn't talk about him with you. She loves you too much to allow him to bypass your Plan B through her.

Lex...you got it...trying to protect myself. Better safe than sorry.

So the spa! The six of us spent five hours getting our pedicures, facials and massages with a few bottles of wine and tons of snacks, followed by a great meal with more wine and ending with some mass of chocolate on a plate....

....ahhhh....and I get to sleep in tomorrow! And my toes are SOO cute! I am never going back to the old way again.

I'm just leaving WH alone. I think any acknowledgement that he even called my sister could back-fire. Remember, I'm so "unreasonable." If she communicates with him, then he gets to state his case and "goes on record" that he tried to be Mr. Goodguy on the Mother's Day thing. If she doesn't communicate at all, then who's to know that my sister ever got the messge.

He knows the channels for contacting me, he just doesn't care for LK. Talking about it tonight over drinks, the other four women laughed out loud, "I'd be scared, too!" said T. And they all agreed that my sister probably appears an easy target for WH. She's hurt and vulnerable (opposite of LK). He thinks he can con my sister...and she doesn't need or want the drama.

I had emailed LK with a head's up this morning in case WH emailed her, telling her to respond with a "no thanks."

When I arrived at the spa, she was so disappointed that he hadn't emailed; denying her the opportunity to say it. LK is such a character; she kept us in stiches the whole afternoon and evening. I had tears running down my face.

It was a great afternoon and evening. Now I'm off to bed...

Sis

Am SO jealous of your spa day. You SO deserved it!

You are doing So,So well!

Enjoy those beautiful little piggies! It's good to be a girl!

Still admiring my piggies, and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Ruby: we registered on the same day! I'm off the soup now, and on to salads and chicken on the grill. Hmmmmm....what toppings sound good today? What marinade shall I use? In a couple of months, we will all be sick of salad and chicken.

Lex: WH is 6'3", so my Tom Selleck (he and Harrison Ford were my dream guys!) prolly shouldn't be taller.

I do not think WH is trying to break Plan B. I think he likes it fine, he just doesn't like to be ignored or put in his place. I'm sure he took great pains composing the e-mail (that I never read) explaining why and how he got the cottage yada yada...and all he got back from LK was a curt reply.

My friend T was saying last night how delighted she was that the ILs were back, because now WH has to live with them again; see his mom every morning. "I don't care HOW convenient it is, NO 38-year old likes to live with their parents! I mean, I love my mom, but I would NEVER live with her..."

Hopefully that's not just a girl thing, and it will feel very "crowded" in that house now. WH has had the run of the place for several months, and before that, it was the batch pad with he and FIL. Now he has to adapt to some standards that might rub him a little (or a lot?) wrong. Oh, I do hope so! (rubbing my hands gleefully!)

All the talk with the girls last night, with my IC on Thurs., with my sister and mom made me realize how my relationship with MIL was like a stealth attack. Not that it was intentioal by MIL, but I was so unaware of how effectively she undermined me by really promoting WH, talking about his suffering, the good things he did, how readily he promised to not have RT in their home, etc. Loving her son, she bought everything, hook, line and sinker, and convinced me (loving my H) of the same....when I shouldn't have believed any of it.

I am so confident in my need to be very, very wary of MIL....no matter how well-intentioned she might be. I am just now realizing how much pain she inflicted without even knowing it, trying to do what she thought was right.

Poor MIL. I so wish she could come into her own, to claim some of her "personal power." But I fear that a lifetime of being submissive (the culturally appropriate thing to do for her) has made that possibility very unlikely.

LilSis,

The next treat to myself on the agenda is a pedicure.

Also just to chime in I love Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford.

Still

Maybe living with and observing her son's behavior up close and personal will make it a lot harder for her to make excuses for him. The cognitive dissonance may build to the point where she can no longer abide it ...

Nearly three hours later and I've only got the backyard done. The grass is so high that the mower keeps getting bogged down. Looks like once a week ain't gonna cut it (no pun intended).

I like mowing. I'm outside, I'm getting sun on my hideously white legs, I'm getting exercise, I'm listening to my favorite tunes, and I get a lot of deep thinking done.

I am claiming another adjective for myself. So far I have survivor. My new one is fearless.

I like that one. I think it was the comments about MIL that prompted it. I really feel like she lives in fear...fear of offending, fear of not doing exactly what others expect of her, fear of upsetting her husband, fear of making any possible kind of mistake, fear of revealing her true self, fear of even getting to know her true self.

As I thought about that, I thought, how sad. Imagine living one's life under a cloud of fear all the time. I recognize NOW how much fear I lived under...that was Miss Perfect. Remember her? She has really, really taken a hike.

There's not so much to be afraid of anymore. I've pretty much been publically humiliated. I've proven to myself that I am capable of taking care of myself, my kids, my house and my job...it isn't easy but I can do it. I've learned that I can ask for help. I've learned that I'm a pretty remarkable person. I've learned that other people are pretty remarkable, too....mostly in good ways, but in some bad ways, too.

So....fearless...whaddya think?

Although I will admit that I didn't let T into my house yesterday because it was so gross...I had left in the AM with the kid's breakfast dishes still out on the counter and last night's newspaper strewn on the floor and cat puke on the rug...we were late for school and work. But at least I was honest with her about why I wouldn't allow her in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Time for a snack and then off to do the front yard!

I have cat puke on my rug right now.

It is H's duty to clean it up.

I'm waiting him out. It's just not my turn.

Besides, isn't there some rule out there like:

If you pretend you don't see cat puke on the rug, then it isn't there.

OR

The first person to acknowledge that there's cat puke on the rug has to clean it up.



-He acknowledged it earlier, so...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
SB

OR

If you are lucky the dog will lick it up.

DANG, I don't have a dog anymore. I guess I get the honors.

Once my arms stop feeling like jello from the mowing, that is.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hi SB! (waving)

LilSis,

You have become fearless. I wanna be like you when I grow up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I tried raking some more of fromt lawn... the black flys were awful. Lasted about an hour and a half.

Tomorrow going to mow my backyard and pick up dog poo... if I let it go any longer it will be difficult to cut. Hopefully the push mower has gas.

Still

Ugh. Had a bad dream this morning, that I broke my quasi-Plan B with MIL, and WH ended up on the phone, yelling at me for hurting his mom's feelings, that I looked like a stupid fool for not accepting D and that everyone thinks I am pitiful.

The part that hurt was MIL saying that the D was okay, and that she had accepted what WH had done and has moved on.

I hate bad dreams, especially the ones that happen right before I wake up; I end up feeling out of sorts all morning.

I talked to my neighbor (on the other side, not the one who helps me out all the time) yesterday while I was cleaning out the dead limbs on my viburnum between our houses. Just chatting, and she asked how I was doing, I said really okay, and it occurred to me at that moment that I felt sorry for WH...I said so to her and I believed it.

I am a fearless survivor with boys who know they can count on me, a great job and wonderful friends. He is an unrepentant adulterer living at his parents house who barely has a relationship with his sons any longer and a job he hates.

Why do I even have an inkling of self-doubt or sadness? Where does that come from? Because it can't come from any place of logic or objectivity. And it must be very, very strong to surpass the logic and objectivity. Ewww...that sounds wayward.

Does it just take time to truly, deeply internalize these things? The doubt seems to creep up when I am truly alone...like in the early morning today.

Anyway, just processing this...

(also...I was thinking that "fearless" isn't such a great word, because fearless could apply to someone who bungee jumps off a bridge. "Courageous" is a better word, but is sounds sort of self-aggrandizing, and doesn't really apply to some situations. Like getting a bikini wax for the first time, which I am considering....)

Why do I even have an inkling of self-doubt or sadness? Where does that come from? Because it can't come from any place of logic or objectivity. And it must be very, very strong to surpass the logic and objectivity. Ewww...that sounds wayward.

___________________________________________

Because you are human.
for some reason self-doubt and judgement has been passed down to all of us......well, most of us.
but, you are figuring it out.
I like curageous better than fearless!
fits you better.
YOU have the courage to face your fears.
YOu are very curageous!

Happy Mothers Day!!

Grrrr....

My plan for today was to go to 11 am mass, leave immediately for my mom's (1 hr away), spend the day there and return in time to get the boys at 6, after which we were meeting LK and her girls at the Melting Pot for chocolate fondue.

Just pulling into church and see there's a VM on my cell. It's DS11. "Happy Mother's Day...blah blah...Wondered if we could come home early and have a special Mother's Day celebration with Nana (MIL)!"

I was so angry...why would MIL cook up some plan with the boys, get them all excited and not check with me first? For one thing, my mom's expecting me, and for another thing, I don't want to see her!

I headed off to my mom's after church as planned...and talked to sis when I got there. Turns out WH called her again yesterday about M-Day. She picked it up this time (WH blocks, and so do several other people that she gets calls from). Sis said she did not want him to call her anymore, but her assumption would be that if he hadn't made any other arrangments, that he should plan to have the boys back at their pre-arranged time, just like any other week.

So I was going round and round and round the whole drive about what to do and how to handle it. If I called ILs, either FIL or MIL would answer...ugh.

I ended up calling ILs, MIL answered. "Hi, it's LS, Happy M-Day." (very plesant) "Oh, happy m-day to you too!" (very gushy) She continued, "You have two very excited boys who are just waiting to talk to you! DS8 is right here!" And she puts DS8 on. We chatted, all happy.

Once DS11 got on, I explained in a very cheerful voice that...oh, I had already made plans to come see Grandma on M-Day, but I have a big surprise for them when they get home. Hope they are not too disappointed....?? "No, that's okay, mom." (and he sounded okay)

Gotta go get ready...I was just so pi$$ed. As I was in the car, i was so wishing I had an MBer I could call to help me figure out how to respond, but I guess I did okay. I mustered up my courage to make that call.

i don't blame you for being po'd.
ws's can be such manipulators!

your ws sounds soooooo much like my ex it is scarey.
mine is not a cop but a correction officer and a volunteer fireman. all the same breed.

plan b til you can't take it anymore, but you may find as you get your life together and in harmony, it is wayyyy better without your ws than it ever was with him.

mlhb

he's a conniving one, that WH of yours!!
i hate the way he keeps involving MIL.
or maybe MIL is pushing him to be more insistant w/ you.
be careful of her.

never mind.....don't think twice about it.
You did great. YOU made plans.....he didn't stick to the rules and call intermediary and you never got his message.
not your problem.


Chocolate Fondue at 6!!

no... they are NOT all the "same breed." Just like every stay at home mom, nurse, doctor.... etc... are NOT the same breed.