I posted this once...didn't take apparently??

There is an email in my inbox "Important financial matters" from WH.

He must have set up a new email account, because I had blocked the other one. I forwarded it to LK, but she won't be at school until Tuesday.

In the meantime, my neighbor is coming over to read/screen it for me after I get the kids in bed.

Any reply will go through LK.

I'll keep you posted...

BTW...this has been a rather crappy M-day. I would much have preferred a day with absolutely no drama.

Adultery...the gift that keeps on giving.

WH did buy the boys a gift for me...a big wisteria tree/vine to grow on the trellis that WH build a few years ago. This is the first Mother's day gift I've gotten from him (even via the kids) in I can't tell you how long.

LIlsis:

pardon the dumb question, but I admit I haven't been following your story lately.

How long do you plan to stay in plan B? How long has the affair been going on?

Just curious. I recall some of your story from another post you had a few months back.

Lemon

No plan on the length of Plan B. I guess I'll know when I'm done.

The A has been going on three years now, d-day was June 28, so almost a year since d-day.

"powerful" "spirited" "passionate"

your right, not all cops, firemen, and corrections officers are scum bags. i am just lumping my sleazy ex in the same category as lil sis's wh. her wh and my ex happen to basically be in the same line of work.

i stand corrected and should have worded it differently i guess.

mlhb

Okay, my neighbor served as my on-site email screener. She should work for homeland security.

Totally boiled down, he wants me to change the utilities over to my name by June 1.

There might have been some additional crud, but she didn't share it with me. She said if she were in my shoes, it would have upset her, so she was happy to do it.

I also forwarded it to LK, and the response will come from her. Something along the lines of "Fine."

LS,

So sorry that your special day has been full of drama. May God give you the strength to overcome it.

Your response was great. WS's do not get to dictate what you do on your time without children. They don't even get to request.

Ditto your times with the children.

Hi Lem! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In fact, I would say that if a WS tried to fob off the kids on your time off and you did not have plans, you should hurry up and make some.

It should never be convenient to be a WS.

You should always have plans. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Apparently the email closed with something about how much the kids were excited to give me my Mother's Day gifts.

I have a question for you all:

Does hope just fade away on its own, or is it a conscious choice to no longer hope?

I feel like any hope is false hope...let's face it, no matter how good the Plans A/B, some of these things just don't work out, for a variety of reasons. And remember, I blew it the first few months after d-day. I didn't start a Plan A until December.

I don't want to hang on to threads of hope beyond any reasonable time to do so. I know the Harleys say one year of Plan B. For me it's been almost three months.

Ahhhh....I don't know.

I had a dream (don't be freaked, LG), in which LG said he was troubled by the fact that H hadn't shown himself at all. Don't know where that came from....

lil sis, i think you plan b for as long as you feel you can. it will be different for everyone. i don't believe at all in time lines. i plan a'd for about 1-2 months with no effect. i found this site after it was probably too late in our marriage. my ex had been sleeping on the couch for 2 years all ready and had had numerous affairs i was finding out about by that point.

he said he noticed the changes i was making but it was too little too late. and honestly, by that point, i had no fight left in me. after 2 months of plan a, i made him leave. there was no hope left. could i have held out longer and continued my plan a? probably. but i didn't have it in me anymore. i am as close to a plan b now as you can get and i do that only for my own protection and sanity, not because i want ex back.

there is a point when you look over your marriage and you have to be honest with yourself. i looked over mine and saw 2 people who never should have been married. yes, we did ok in the in the beginning. there were sparks and chemistry, etc. but you need more than that. i thought i loved him and he me. but hindsite is 20/20. i have a wonderful man in my life now and my ex could never have been what this man is. had i stayed in an unhappy marriage i never would have the great man i have now. i don't regret for a second finally letting go when i felt all hope was lost.

you will know lil sis when you no longer want to hang on.
some marriages just don't work out.
some waywards don't ever come back around again.
i think my ex was always the way he is now i just didn't see it. it was always there.

not trying to be a downer, just trying to be honest and real for what my situation was. i didn't have anymore fight or hope left in me.

mlhb

Does hope just fade away on its own, or is it a conscious choice to no longer hope?

I feel like any hope is false hope...let's face it, no matter how good the Plans A/B, some of these things just don't work out, for a variety of reasons. And remember, I blew it the first few months after d-day. I didn't start a Plan A until December.
_______________________________

i think they are very good questions...i hope somebody w/ insight and experience will respond.

in my opinion, it could be an aha moment when ou realize you no longer hold any hope or a conscious choice to let it go. You'll know.....i think that is a big part of what plan B is about....acceptance and ....not of the affair, but of yourself the things you have no control over....and faith in yourself.

who knows what WH is up to.....i think it is smart to be wary of hope in his case.....just stick to your plan....no contact unless he gives up OW.

LilSis,

I can so relate to the feeling that any hope is false hope. I wonder about that all the time.

It is especially hard when others IRL have a hard time understanding our hope.

MLHB,

I also think about if I'm hanging on to something that just hasn't been good for a long time. And maybe there is someone out there for me. Someone I can love and will love me back.

Still

i would never tell anyone to give up on thier marriage. that is a personal choice and you know when you have held on long enough.

i can say our was a marriage that never should have been. we met in jan of 06, engaged in april 06, married in sept 06 and i was preggers with twins by nov 06. we were both early 20's. wtf? as you can see we really did not know eachother at all. we tried for 10 years with 2 separations thrown in there. now we just have many resentments built up and it is all we can do to get along for the children's sake. we both screwed up the marriage. it was not healthy and needed to end.

like i said, i found this site prolly way too late in the game. i did try the plans but mostly what i learned here was how to better ME. I changed ME and in changing me, i realized i deserved so much better. someone said on another board here that i needed a higher class of man and they were right. my ex, in his true form, has few morals, is very narccissistic, and looks out only for number 1. the man i have now is def a higher class of man. we share the same goals and same beliefs and same values. both very family oriented. it makes a huge difference to be with someone who is kind and loving and unselfish. we are taking our time and going slowly.

my first marriage was impulsive and a huge mistake. we both suffered and hurt way more than 2 people should. i have learned from that mistake believe me.

mlhb

Sis, he's still playing games.

Why respond at all to that email? He's still sneaking around your intermediary by emailing you this way. Now he thinks, "ah-ha, I can get through this way. I KNOW LS HAD to of read that email before she forwarded it on." Have LT call him on it. That emailing you directly is not acceptable. Any further direct emails will be deleted without being read OR forwarded. If it's that important, he can contact you through the appropriate channels.

I wonder why the utility change all of the sudden. If I were you, I wouldn't do it. Is there anything addressing that in your "agreement." Make him go through his attorney and PAY to get that message to you. As a matter of fact, this is an issue that SHOULD be addressed through the attorneys and not your intermediary.

Ugghhh. I'm frustrated for you. That was cool though about the Mother's Day gift. Wonder what got into him? (((Sis)))

LilSis:

About the dreams? We only remember the dreams we were having when we wake up. So you can hve 5-6 dreams a night, but we will only remember the one as we wake up.

I got to be the Dr. in your Dream and pronounce your H dead? And WH in his place forever? Cool... Was I wearing the White Lab Coat?

The gifts for Mothers Day?

Guilt ones. "See, look I give her gifts! for Mothers Day! Why won't LS come around and see that I'm OK!"

Cuz he isn't.

Leaving kids with IL's? To have a Mothers DAY celebration? Of course. Not making plans? WELL, HE TRIED! But he wasn't there... Both IL's and the outlaw need to make plans with you. They should ASSUME nothing.

Little tidbits of Hope? Yes. Without hope, there is no life. You hope that H will return. So do I. But, it's his choice.

Remember, Silent had to go thru a false recovery and long Plan B to get to where she is at.

Now, that is Hope.

But PWC made a choice....

I had an interesting thought. Reread your Plan B letter. What would you change? Would you lessen any boundaries now, or would you make some of them stronger in hindsight. And you gave a copy to MIL, didn't you?

Just something to remember why we are here. Because of WH actions, not yours.

LG

It's easy to allow hope to fade away or even to conciously choose to no longer hope because it protects our heart. If we don't hope, we won't be disappointed.

Sis, you have hung on and been a great example to many on this site. Only YOU can decide when to give up on your marriage. The only thing I can think of to say about that right now is to remind you that sometimes it seems the darkest before the "dawn."

PM,

Don't mean to TJ... what you have written to LilSis about it's always darkest before the dawn.

I just want to let you know that has helped me to continue to pray and hope for my M. I was pretty discouraged this morning after taking to attorney.

Still

Maybe you need to resend plan B letter to WH and to MIL.