I SO glad it helped. I wrote that not only for LS but also for myself because I'm facing some serious health issues right now... waiting for the report.

Sorry Sis, TJ over.

PM: What got to him was wanting to look like a good guy for his mom, and maybe a bit of RT talking about how her XH always did such nice stuff for her, and WH is wanting to make sure that he looks just as thoughtful.

Now he can brag about how great he is. I wish that weren't the case, but I sense it is (I know, mimi, assumptions!) It would be nice if he did it because he actually cared about me, or was having a crisis of conscience.

Good question about the email. I forwarded it to LK...she's a bit more savvy than my neighbor in terms of the actual financial content. She'll let me know if there is anything really, really pertinent beyond the utilities issue.

I don't know about changing the utilities. Apparently the cable bill hasn't been paid in four months. Who knew? I figured once things started getting turned off, that I would start paying the bills myself. The cable bill must come addressed to him, and it ends up in the pile of mail. The rest of the bills are on autopay, through our joint account or his private AMEX, and I don't ever check the balance in our joint account, since I don't use it.

I kinda don't know without reading the email, or getting more info than my neighbor provided. As she was reading, she said something about it "reflecting on me" so I wonder if he went off about how being late on bills, etc. is effecting his credit. Since they are all in his name, I don't see how it would reflect on me...I'm squeaky clean.

I guess if he were concerned about that, he should have made sure that there was always money in the account, or made sure that I KNEW that I had to deposit $X every month.

Oh well. I don't really care that much. I can afford to pay the utilities. It's probably $300/mo. Plus something more for the car insurance, which he took himself off of.

Our temporary order does not call for him to pay the utilities, just mortgage and taxes.

I admit...I have been very lax in all of this. I'm just living my life and taking care of my kids. I haven't paid any attention to the business end of running a household. Kind of a "I don't do divorce" or denial coping mechanism.

My neighbor also mentioned something in passing about how "we need to communicate directly" ....must have been how the email began.

Ahhh...don't think so.

I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE..for myself..for my marriage..

I can't imagine a LIFE without HOPE...



Sis, I'm sorry to hear you say this....

I'm such a believer in HOPE that I don't even know how to respond to this...

Have TRUST and FAITH in the LORD that he will DELIVER YOU FROM EVIL...

I know this may sound PREACHY to some but I don't know how to say it any other way this morning...

HOPE has brought me a mighty long way from the depths of DESPAIR..not just about my H's AFFAIR but through many trials in my life...sometimes the HOPE was as tiny as a a pinpoint..but I HELD ON to the EVERLASTING ARM...because MY LORD AND SAVIOR SAID.."I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU"....

PM,

I'll keep you in my prayers about your health issues.

Still

Not very "Plan B" of me to pick this all apart. I'll forget about it and let LK guide me through it.

About the PBL. It's been sent...it's there...both MIL and WH recieved a copy. I said my peace, now I'm dark. I don't feel that it's necessary to re-send the PBL unless there was some inkling that he was looking for direction home.

In terms of the boundaries? I think they were exactly right. I haven't re-read the PBL in a while, but I can't imagine how I would have made them any LESS firm...or any MORE firm for that matter. Don't call, email, or attempt to speak to me unless there's NC and you want to work on the M. Pretty straightforward.

I was thinking about silent, and something keeps popping into my head that she said a week or so before PWC turned the corner. She said that she KNEW that he wanted to come home, he just didn't know how to make that happen.

I don't KNOW that WH wants to come home. I really don't beleive that he wants that at all. The thing about silent's false recovery (as painful as it was) is that it gave her a peek inside his heart...she knew there was something there...still tying him to the M. Even the fact that PWC would call DS so frequently...

Anyway...rambling...

OK..LG and I are on the same page..

LG, I hadn't read this BEFORE my POST..

That's. COOL..You and I said the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



I win the PRIZE on FALSE RECOVERIES..I know there was at least 2 and almost 3... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your WH is trying to wear you down...

Trying to get you to BREAK YOUR PLAN...

Remain VIGILANT..

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...

There is no conceivable reason for you do that...unless you want EVIL to WIN OUT..unless you want to hand your H over to RT...

It's YOUR CHOICE but the HARLEYS DO RECOMMEND TWO YEARS OF PLAN B...

I was planning to GIVE UP HOPE FOR MY MARRIAGE after TWO YEARS...but NEVER, NEVER GAVE UP HOPE for MYSELF and MY OWN HAPPINESS.....

ACCEPT THE PRESENT, MAINTAIN HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!!!!

And further more..let me correct what I said...I planned to remain in PLAN B FOR TWO YEARS but I don't believe I ever got to the point of GIVING OF HOPE and never planned to GIVE UP HOPE...That's me...

What helped was to FOCUS ON THE PRESENT...getting as much happiness as I possibly could out of EACH DAY...maintaining my FAITH that GOD was going to take care of ME...and that my H was in HIS HANDS and GOD was working on HIM...

Since he is not abiding by the terms of the plan b letter, that is why I suggest you resend it- reminder of how he is supposed to be communicating.

also as for hope-you are a do-er. A lot of your hope has been in the fact that you are do-ing something to hopefully bring him home.

Plan B is not do-ing. Plan b is about letting go of the DO and in doing so, you are letting go of your hope. However, that is not to say you are now hope-less - you are just do-less.

I think it is more of a mindset change and not a hope change.

Lilsis:

ABout the Plan B Letter. No need to resend, and MIL has it. Cool.

Just wondering if anything would have been different 3 months in.

Your H is trying to peek in. Going around LK, thru your Sister, and even using IL's.

I still think that pick up one day will result is WH Standing in the Kitchen, waiting to talk to you. You will know in thirty seconds if it is WH or H. Keep the letter on the fridge. Hand it to WH.

H can talk. WH is asked to leave.

So be it.

Let him move the utilities. He left, he can change it. I'm sure he can have MIL deliver the copies for signature....

Did you plant the wisteria? Have the boys invite thier father over to plant it some day when you are not around.

What is wrong with WH? They give you stuff that you have to take care of. Rats, Plants, Dogs. What happened to paperweights?

Geez.

LG

PM: I am so sorry to hear about your health concerns. You will be in my prayers as well.

mimi: It's not hope for ME...I am very hopeful for ME. More than hopeful. It's hope for my marriage. Some days I feel so confident...the A will end, implode, and H will rise from the ashes. I KNOW this to be true. Other days, I hope it will happen, but I'm not sure. Other days, I am certain it will NEVER happen. On those last two types of days--the less hopeful days--I feel such sadness for what is lost, for what will never be for me, the boys, our families, for H.

I feel almost confident about ME and my ability to be successful. However, I am not so confident about my ability to be happy; truly happy and content. I feel this sense that I have been deeply scarred for life by all of this. Innocence lost…trauma experienced…deep trust betrayed…that type of thing? Things that have been etched upon my soul. Those things, and the sheer multitude of LOSSES caused by something so very very very false, wrong and superficial…such a WASTE!!

So I know that I posses the ability to keep moving ahead for ME. But I grieve the loss of these other parts of me. I just feel so much more jaded, not so starry eyed. That can certainly be a good thing, but starry-eyed had its advantages.

Maybe, mimi…can you help me with this?? Maybe it’s more of a scale or a continuum. Hope on one side, reality/pragmatism on the other. Is there a tipping point at which hope is just so completely outweighed that it goes away completely? Is it all or nothing? Maybe it’s me feeling like I need to hold on tightly to hope, put energy into hope…when maybe I can just let it go a little bit and let it BE. But is that giving up hope?

I think that’s what I’m struggling with. If I let go CONSCIOUSLY to hope, will it be gone forever?

This is probably just one of those waaaay too instrospective days…

mimi...just read your post. Were you really that confident all the time? I feel so ineffectually wishy-washy in comparison. Really grappling with stuff. I gotta process and process and process until my processor is sore!

I lack that CERTAINTY that you possess. Maybe it is that my relationship with God is so new and untested...I don't have that same strong faith that is so evident in you.

I am--actually!!--enjoying the present! So much more often than I have in a loooong time, feeling blessed in ways I never did before. It's just those moments...dark of night, in the quiet, doubt creeping in, prompting me to question, to be afraid, and calling me to pick at the "what ifs."

mimi...I bet you have something to say about where that comes from....evil?? Am I guessing right? Do you think?

RECOVERY is best when both spouses know they can make the choice to walk away from an unhealthy M if they choose to. The CHOICE is meaningful when each spouse knows they can live, and live well, if the recovery does not take, and the M does not survive.

These feelings you are currently working out now Sis, are the scaffolding for future RECOVERY.

Desperation and need are the antithesis of true recovery.

When you no longer NEED your spouse but DESIRE your spouse, recovery is sweet indeed.

This is also the most fertile environment for POJA.

Take care

Pep

The way that I was COACHED by Steve Harley was to go into PLAN B and to stay in PLAN B in order to MAINTAIN HOPE for THE MARRIAGE. Plan B allows you to SAFEGUARD the LOVE that you have left for him. Remember the day when you saw him and waved and felt the feelings of love left in the bank? Continued interactions with the WH would not allow you to PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE..to PROTECT AND HOLD ON TO THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE LEFT FOR HIM and there is LOVE still there.




I know you don't mean it that way. But, when I read your statements like this, I tend to wonder what makes you feel that you are ANY DIFFERENT? I've gone through every bit or more that you have gone through or EVEN MORE..but I'm THANKFUL FOR MY SCARS..yes, THANKFUL..I'm THANKFUL that I'm not the NAIVE PERSON that I was before..I've been through a WAR and I've SURVIVED..I'ma WAR HERO, in fact. THIS IS MY LIFE. I can't say that I would have wanted it any differently.

Just like my friend said to me one day, I'll say this to YOU.."WHY NOT YOU, SIS?"...Why were YOU not supposed to SUFFER IN THIS LIFE?

I agree with the other poster that you still want to DO SOMETHING...

JUST SIT AND WAIT..try to ENJOY EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST...doing any and all things that YOU ENJOY...and HAND HIM and YOUR MARRIAGE OVER TO GOD...

Don't plant any trees..

Don't get the power turned into his name....

JUST STAY DARK....

GO INTO NEUTRAL....

My thought process each day WAS: IT IS WHAT IT IS..MY H IS HAVING AN AFFAIR...THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT...

Being "DARK" may have a whole new meaning if the bills don't get paid!

(see, I can still make a joke, so I'm not that far gone!)

I had forgotten about that day, seeing him wave.

I, too, have found blessings in all of this...many, many blessings that I think I've ennumerated before. Maybe it's just because I'm in the midst of it still...I can't quite get to the point where I am GRATEFUL that this happened. I probably will be grateful for this experience later, but when I get to a place of happiness and contentment...right now...it just stinks a lot of the time.

And sure, life isn't fair, and I'm not special. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

My regrets, my feelings of loss...I see older couples, or men with their wedding bands on, and I think...why couldn't WH have honored his vows? Why were they so meaningless to him, when this guy standing over there has his ring on his finger?

Why won't I get the chance to look back over my life when I am 80 and not have a long-lasting marriage...filled only with the typical kinds of ups and downs?

And I know that's making assumptions about people and what is happening in the dark places of their own minds, but it's just this sense that something was stolen from me, something very precious that I can never, ever get back. Right now, from where I am, from MY perspective, that's not a beautiful sight. From your place, mimi, I can see why it would be.

I'll get there, but it's not what I see right now. I'm still slogging through the mud and muck, trying to get to the nice green grass, where I can look back and see the whole picture, not JUST the muddy part.

It's the kind of person that I am. WHEN I GET SOLD OUT ON SOMETHING, I"M ALL IN..that's how I feel about MBer's...
I BELIEVED IN THE PLANS and tried to FOLLOW THEM BY THE BOOK..

Remember, though, that I read SAA and HNHN every single day...so maybe I became BRAINWASHED..it was good brainwashing, though...it's turned out WONDERFUL FOR ME... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So when I started to question, I went back and read more about the situations in SAA that SEEMED HOPELESS and the couples reconciled..I said to myself, "if them, why not us"?



I actually I very well know what you mean..EVEN NOW...

My H has been away some and MY MIND started playing those tricks on me...having WHAT IFs....

I think it speaks to how traumatic and devastating this is for us. Those of us that have withstood this truly should WIN WAR MEDALS. I think SURVIVING AN AFFAIR is one of the hardest things that a person can do...REALLY..It takes everything in your heart and soul to SURVIVE and TO HEAL.

What helps ME is to think what my H is has gone through and continues to go through to get to this point. I truly admire him because he certainly could have easily given up on himself, me and the marriage. He continues to be PAINED by stuff he has done so WE BEAR THROUGH THIS TOGETHER...

HOW WE ALL HERE HAVE SUFFERED!!

But I don't see that as BAD..through our SUFFERING we are ALL GROWING..NO PAIN, NO GAIN..and we will be able to HELP OTHERS..ARE HELPING OTHERS....

LilSis, have you subscribed to the MB email newsletter?

Sometimes it has really good stuff.

Okay! I'm still working my Plan. Hanging in there. Dark! That's fine with me. When I get into trouble is when I begin to over-think and look into the future. I suppose this think about the utilities is sort of one of those "future" things that is now upon me; I preferred to just sit happily in denial and not deal with it!

I'm glad to know that the doubt creeps in on all of us...even the most firmly recovered.

Yes, I subscribe to the newsletter, but I don't get it that often. Maybe once a month? I wonder if sometimes it gets blocked. (If only the filter I set up to block WH's emails were as effective! I can't figure out why it didn't catch that! Makes me mad when technology doesn't comply.)

Sis --

You've just been triggered again. Every time he tries to breach your security it puts you in a funk.

Just important to notice and chalk it up to the right source rather than feel like you are losing hope.
You're not. You're just being poked.

Lilsis, go back and re-read about the Plan B effects on the WS. He is feeling loss of control -- everything is spinning beyond his ability to control it. He desperately wants to be able to get to you directly. He is going to through a dozen different types of tantrums.

It would be best for you to understand how HE is feeling and how he is going to try to get at you. It will help your Plan B to know what you are up against and how to sidestep it!

((( Sis )))


I may be 100 % off base here ~ but I see him giving you, via the boys, that tree as POSSIBLY a good thing. He chose to give you living thing, that will grow.... maybe there is a connection there, maybe not... I certainly do not want to give you any false hope. Just my thoughts to how he is thinking...perhaps wishful thinking... but he could have chosen anything/nothing to give you... he chose a tree !!!

Mimi - I too have said (or usually just thought) when people say - Why me ??? --- why not you ??? Not in a mean, or condesending way - but all of us are created equal like thing... I totally agree with what you said...

Lex: between you and guy smiley, you think I'd recognize a trigger by now. You think I'd know the bait when I see it, and swim right on past....

Again...at least I'm not acting on it...and I do think that I am bouncing back a little better than I have in the past. Yay!

Yeah...the tree. It's a wisteria, that I have always admired, but thought we were too far north. When we would drive to Florida, we would be in awe of the wisteria that would inevitably pop up once we hit about Atlanta. Gorgeous; really stunning. If we were still "together," I would have been delighted by such a thoughtful and meaningful gift. He knows I love gardening.