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bsj: Happy Birthday!!
Yeah, I'm going to try to plant it myself. I've done all of the other yard stuff myself; it just seems as if digging that hole is going to be a big job.
Yesterday was the culmination of my major annual project at work for the year. We hold an event to announce the accomplishments made over the course of the year, and it went off without a hitch.
Feels a bit anti-climatic this morning. I honestly look back over the past year; our year begins in August...and I am amazed that I made it through. I was on auto-pilot for the first four months....but it was successful anyway.
I don't know quite why I feel so down. Maybe I'm just exhausted from a really busy and slightly emotional week, and I think PMS is starting to set in. I'm glad I have an appt. with IC today.
Last night I thought I might be a little late getting home; WH is scheduled to bring the boys home at 8:30. I called my neighbor and she came by, turned on the lights, and hung out there for their arrival and to wait for me. I guess when he dropped them off, he stuck his head in the door and said hi to her. Hope that doesn't equate to getting a family commitment fix.
I'm hoping that my feelings of discouragement are just due to last night. I used to feel so elated after this event; it meant the beginning of winding down in preparation for the summer off. Now I just feel a little scared, as if I don't know quite how I will keep myself really, really busy. At least I have the new project...
Sigh. Yawn. Try to unclench my jaw...which seems perpetually clamped.
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lil sis,
do you think that when your divorce is final that will be the end of you "hoping" to get your h back?
just curious because i feel from your posts lately that that is going to be the ending for you. that, as long as you two are married you hold some "hope" but that divorce will be your signal.
i think you are doing well, btw. you must be ok no matter what happens. and if you never get h back, you will still be ok. you will be great alone for a while, and you will take all you have learned, and all lil sis desires and expects from a relationship with you to the next better one. i knew when my marriage ended what i would NEVER tolerate again, what i really wanted to have in someone, etc. and i would never settle for less again. no more crumbs for me.
mlhb
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
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mlhb: I don't know when the "end" will be. I think I'll go with my gut. Until then, I do have hope. Every single morning, I pray will be the day that God brings WH to his knees.
I know I will be okay. I have survived a lot. I think the questioning that I have been comtemplating in my posts lately is more a reflection of a Plan B that has been going on for a while, my withdrawal, the perspective that I have gained with the distance (recognizing the "crumbs" that I was settling for), and really just generally WONDERING what the heck I was feeling, and what it MEANT.
It has been good to be reassured by silent and others that once again, these feelings that I have are normal, and not indicative of any drastic shift in where I am emotionally.
Yes, the reality of the divorce is hard to deal with, but I am not letting it dissuade me. I can't control it, I just need to do the best that I can. I agree with what mimi said that it will be a great loss to WH if he follows through with the D, but it is his choice to make.
That is discouraging. But I am determined to stay positive, and take the punches one at a time.
One more non-Plan B commentary....last night when WH dropped off the boys, my neighbor mentioned that WH went into the garage. He didn't remove anything, so I asked DS11 what he needed. DS11 said that WH wanted to show him the special feed/poison that needs to go around the birch and ash trees to keep the bugs off.
I asked (with a smile) if WH noticed how clean the garage and the shed (attached to the garage) were. DS11 said that when he opened the garage door, WH said, "whoa." I had cleaned it all out, organized the gardening supplies, shovels, rakes, etc. on the walls, assembled a bike rack, and cleaned out the shed with all of the various bird feed, fertiziers, preen, etc. in the shed.
WH used to be fairly good about keeping things organized, but once the A started, it all feel to the bottom of the priority list. For two summers, the snow blower stayed in the garage instead of being moved out to the shed (another shed, which I also cleaned out and organized.)
Anyway, I wonder how he feels about that.
Thinking about how much he let things slip while he was in the A made me question it all again....maybe he really just wanted out. But I can't let myself think that...this is just typical WS behavior.
Anyway...he noticed. What it means to him doesn't really matter...and I guess I can't really care.
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LS:
That was the peek. The step in to the Kitchen.
Maybe he knew that you wern't there, and the neighbor was, but still the peek.
BE VERY CAREFUL, VEERRY CAREFUL. LG>>> in his best Elmer Fudd..
LG
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Anyway...he noticed. What it means to him doesn't really matter...and I guess I can't really care.
__________________
that's a good attitude. it's natural to wonder what he thought just don't ponder it.....feel it,acknowledged it,let it go.
you are doing great.
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LG: Careful of WHAT?!??
I assumed it was more along the lines of, "I am such a good and conscientious father that I will not drop my children off without knowing exactly who is there to care for them." Then, see ya, I'm outta here.
nia: exactly. Feel it, acknowledge it, let it go. I think that's the healthiest way to deal with most of this stuff. Don't block the feeling, don't hold on to it, either.
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BE CAREFUL
WH is going to catch a glimpse of Sis-at-home Sis-in-car Sis-in-yard Sis-at-store
there WILL be an "accidental" bumping into
you watch for it
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I caught this last night but hadn't gotten the chance to post... What your WH did was TRYING TO ESTABLISH CONTACT WITH REALITY..'cause he's feeling CRAZY having to REMAIN in a FANTASY WORLD 24/7.... My H would go STAND INSIDE OF HIS CLOSET midst ALL OF HIS CLOTHES THAT HE LEFT AT THE HOUSE... CRAZY ALIENS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It was DEFINITELY a PLAN B BREAK... As Pep says, MORE TO COME...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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AND this is why I said to be careful about who plants the tree...
He will be looking to see where/when/how it is planted...
I learned from my H that there definitely were FREQUENT DRIVEBYS...
He noticed that I had become a flower gardener...
He knew the SOLD SIGN had been placed in front of the house...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I could be wrong... but I don't see Lilsis' Wh doing some of these things. I frankly do not see him being all too interested in things "family" at this point. I hope I am dead wrong about this, but I see a man that has started in a direction that he has no intention of changing....even if he knows what is best for him. In order for him to come home at this point he will have to fully admit that he has been wrong all along....and there has been nothing in his behavior that suggests to me that he is willing to admit that to himself or others at this point.
I truly hope I am wrong but I see a man dead set on his present course. I really think he needed more of a jolt from his parents to possibly steer him off his present course...he didn't get that so my take on him is he is full steam ahead.
Mimi, I truly hope that he gets his head out of his nether region as your H did... Lilsis and her wonderful kids deserve to have their dad home with them.
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I have the same sense as MEDC, I'm afraid.
Maybe it's just the skeptic in me wanting to protect myself, (as Lexxxy says) but he seems pretty darned determined. Remember...he filed for divorce and is proceeding as such...full steam ahead. (admittedly, many WSs here have SEEMED relatively determined, but WH has not demonstrated ONE SINGLE instance of pulling back since he left home....not ONE...not one kiss, not one "accidental" SF, not anything).
Also...he really is playing it "fair" (as much as you can call any of this fair). He's paying support, he paid the utilities for longer than he had to, he's taking the kids when expected and returning them on time, he's making the house payment...he hasn't complained about a single thing. He just WANTS OUT, and is perfectly willing to do whatever he needs to do to get himself out.
I vacilate between this perspective (the MEDC scenario) and the typical WS scenario. One moment, believing he will come around, and the next thinking that possibility is simply ridiculous...and that I need to "get real." I suspect that's what the ILs think.
My heart SOOOO wants to believe the "typical WS" scenario.
My head is telling me that MEDC is right.
I just have to live today....but the thoughts creep in...every day.
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I frankly do not see him being all too interested in things "family" at this point. I agree that he's not interested in things "family"...there's a part of him that must FEEL CRAZY out there....he's BINGING...and it seems... trying to REORIENT.... In order for him to come home at this point he will have to fully admit that he has been wrong all along.... We are viewing her H as being DRUG-ADDICTED..in the ALIEN FOG....they don't fully ADMIT to WRONGDOING until the FOG is lifted..after WITHDRAWAL..this is according to the MB VIEWPOINT..the OP DRUG has to FULLY BE OUT OF THE SYSTEM... I really think he needed more of a jolt from his parents to possibly steer him off his present course...he didn't get that so my take on him is he is full steam ahead. And again, according to the MB VIEWPOINT, NOTHING will JOLT him until he SUFFERS, REACHES HIS BOTTOM, EXPERIENCES THE REALITY OF WHO RT IS...., making her COMPELLED to meet ALL OF HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS..this is accomplished by PLAN B... Mimi, I truly hope that he gets his head out of his nether region as your H did... Lilsis and her wonderful kids deserve to have their dad home with them. I'm HOPING AND PRAYING this too, MEDC....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I vacilate between this perspective (the MEDC scenario) and the typical WS scenario. One moment, believing he will come around, and the next thinking that possibility is simply ridiculous...and that I need to "get real." I suspect that's what the ILs think.
My heart SOOOO wants to believe the "typical WS" scenario.
My head is telling me that MEDC is right.
I just have to live today....but the thoughts creep in...every day. I really hope I am wrong Lilsis... and as far as the typical WS I would venture a guess that the majority of WS that have been involved in such lenghty affairs and have gone as far as your H usually wind up following through on their plans. So, in this sense I would see your WH as typical. I just think his compass is either way off right now... or it was never quite right to begin with.... either way, I do hope I am wrong... I want your prayers to be answered...but Lilsis, perhaps the old Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" will hold true for you. While divorce isn't a great thing, I am certain the Lord has a wonderful plan for you his blessed child. I am also certain he has a plan for rodent [censored] and your WH too... it just will be a very bumpy lesson for them. Keep your chin up Lilsis.... no matter what happens, you have grown from this. MEDC
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Sis, to be honest, I hate it when you talk about your WH as being SOOO SPECIAL..when he keeps acting out the typical WH scenario...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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We are viewing her H as being DRUG-ADDICTED..in the ALIEN FOG....they don't fully ADMIT to WRONGDOING until the FOG is lifted..after WITHDRAWAL..this is according to the MB VIEWPOINT..the OP DRUG has to FULLY BE OUT OF THE SYSTEM... I do not view her WH this way any longer. I think he is fully aware of what he is doing and is making rational decisions with irrational logic. I do not see him as being in any type of fog at all. Just my opinion. EXPERIENCES THE REALITY OF WHO RT IS I think after three years, he has a pretty good indication of who she is... just liek I have a pretty good indication of Lilsis' H lack of integrity at this point.
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Did you read this that Mortarman posted to me during my PLAN B? He was EXACTLY right about EVERY SINGLE WORD... Mimi,
I was headed to your thread right after I posted with Learnin. Obviously you read what I wrote to her in regards to Plan B.
Hang in there. My Plan B roughly took 6-7 weeks before there was a noticable crack. Now that my wife is home, I found out that during those 6-7 weeks, things were indeed reaching "critical mass." This is why once you go to Plan B...DO NOT BACK DOWN! It will hurt you and cause you to have to go back through withdrawal. And it will make your husband think that you are not serious the next time. He sounds like there may be cracks in is armor. Dont think about them together alone right now (easier said than done!). Understand that now that you have done Plan A, and have forced him into Plan B, you have put him in a no win situation. He has an "either/or" scenario now. Either you or her. And since you said she is an exact opposite of you, the contrast will be readily apparent (my wife's OM was exact opposite of me).
Look, you have been married a long time. Your husband is used to certain things. He will expect her to do them also, and do them the way he likes them done. But guess what? She cant! up until now, they had a common "enemy"...that being you. So they laid down the differences that they dont like about each other to confront the assault on their relationship by you. But now that you are in Plan B, there is no enemy to their relationship. So, for the next few weeks/months, they will begin to be truly alone with each other...warts and all. And the last thing that your WH remembers of you is your Plan A.
Just like I told Learnin, the cycle will begin. OW will begin to LB. He will not be able to come to you to make up for what she is not giving him. So, he will begin to try to "change" her...or worse yet...to LB her because he is angry that she cant do it the way he likes. Of course, this LBing will cause her to back up and get angry and LB him. And her new LBs will only make him want to change things more...or pull back from her. And all of the time in this cycle, he has the memory of YOU. You are no longer around so he can invent his view of you. He is left with the reality of your Plan A, as he sits alone in Plan B fog.
So, he will begin to try to call, or stop by for some stupid reason. He will try to get near you, and if he does, he will try to get you to LB, so he cna justify and feel better about the mess that is now his relationship with the OW. But guess what? You are not even in the cycle. You dont respond to him, talk to him nor meet ANY of his needs. He is now alone in a relationship that is increasingly becoming worse than anything he thought the two of you had. My wife said at one point right before I went to Plan B, that she would prefer to go back in time and go back to the worse years of our marriage than to go through what she was going through. Why do you think that over 97% of these relationships do not work out?
But Mimi, now is the time to stay out of it. I disagree somewhat with what was stated above about not "hiding" from your WH. Now, while I agree that you shouldnt go to undue lengths to stay away from him, since you have a child together, I also believe that it is better for you if you have very little contact, even visual. It will only cause you to get upset and go into withdrawal again. And it will give him the opportunity to have new memories where he might get the good Mimi of the Plan A out of his head.
I think that if you have to not go to something that he is attending, then dont go. When I went to Plan B, my wife and I did not attend the school functions atthe same time. We did nothing associated with Christmas together. Several times, she wanted to come by or catch up with us when we went out to eat...and I ALWAYS denied her.
Plan B has to be air tight. Since you have a child, you still must have some contact. Make it ONLY about the kids, and only things that you HAVE to do together right now. There will be plenty of time in the future, if you are to divorce, to find a comfortable way to deal with each other. Right now, he needsto continue to be as uncomfortable as possible. And you have to get as comfortable as possible. The only way to do that is stay on course, stay away from him...and let the plan do its work.
The cracks you see are real. This is not the time to give in. Stay the course. I think you are beginning to see the beginning of the end.
In His arms.
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I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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no, I didn't... I am basing this on what I see in Lilsis' situation.
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I do not view her WH this way any longer. I think he is fully aware of what he is doing and is making rational decisions with irrational logic. I do not see him as being in any type of fog at all. Just my opinion. I understand that this is your opinion, MEDC..but what is it based on? He doesn't seem to me to be a bit different than other WSes.... And Sis my H was agreeable, too..I had full access to his bank account..he agreed to PAY ALIMONY FOR LIFE...he was out of there as far as he was concerned..... I think after three years, he has a pretty good indication of who she is He has not had three years of her having to meet ALL OF HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS..which is the purpose of PLAN B..for the OP to have to meet all the the WS' ENs... In regards to time, my H's A lasted longer than 2 years before it was discovered... Again, according to MB's, the key time factor is tne NUMBER OF YEARS AFTER EXPOSURE....Most die within TWO YEARS AFTER THE LIGHT OF DAY.....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Nothing SPECIAL about Sis' situation..nothing SPECIAL about mine..
Except Sis' H is living in TURD LAND...mine lived in a back room in THE GHETTO...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Sis, lemme tell ya, my WH bent like a willow to whatever he was lead to, by me, for certain, and probably by the OW. He just fell back on the easiest thing. One major easy thing? Falling back on my Plan B. Taking DS on the days he was supposed to, dropping him off right on time. Working on the LSA, signing it, taking care of business.
He was no different, but for some reason, there's always that nagging voice in your head telling you that your WH is different, because of his lack of affection, lack of attention, leaving sooooo easily, filing D, whatever blah blah.
I'm with Mimi on this fog stuff. She is dead on about a lot of this stuff, because she lived it, and took advice from others who went through with plan B.
The nature of an infidel is strange, and to attempt to dissect an alien, without some sort of knowledge of their secondary structures gets you nowhere. What lurks beneath the skin is always surprising.
One thing my FWH told me was that he missed his home; he pulled up and saw everything blooming, the grass mowed, things planted, pruned, etc. He missed it. Now, since your WH peeked into that garage, he knows that you are doing stuff; doesnt' matter what that means to him, just that he knows.
I don't know, I think it's hard to move on to another life without missing, at all, the life that you had/have. Not being a full-time part of your childrens' lives, that is a big downer.
Yes, the A has gone on for three years, but not after exposure, not after cutting him off from his wife, not after taking his full time dad status away...
Sis, it took me a while, but I did get to the point where I accepted that my WH was no different than MOST others, because he was doing many of the things that I read about here. Your WH is too, so I guess you have to decide what you want to think, but I chose to believe that, NO MATTER WHAT (D or no D) my H was as wayward as they come, but he was living the script, no matter how quickly or slowly, he was living it.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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