I do not get any sense that Sis is holding anything back here, and I have never seen her ignore any advise or words of wisdom. I applaud her for her strength.

Sis, the why's will come and go, you will question and want answers. Some things will never be answered, or pinpointed, because we sometimes don't really know what one thing caused us to breakdown. It could be a myriad of things that cause our little cracks (and we all have them) to become huge fault lines.

You work at your own pace; no need to defend your stance; you want to save your M, that is clear, so you are attempting to do as much as you can to affect that end. I don't have any answers here today; I have absolutely no idea what category WH you have, nor do I really care. Your H will either show up or not; when he does you can get some answers, until then, it's a lot of extra effort for you to figure out the WHY's---so why bother.

I want to tell you something about my thoughts and where I WAS headed. I was beginning to consider divorce, filed by ME. I had a timeline and was going to do it. I was feeling much stronger. I wanted to take the time I had set to give my M a chance, especially for my DSs sake. He was my main focus. Let's just say I had had about enough and only had enough fight in me to stick it out for my DS. I had love, but love is not enough, you have to have grit, fight left in you, and I knew mine was fading. I still wanted to save my M, so I sat tight, and worked on me.

You sound like you are JUST getting settled in Plan B, and could use some time to get your own self together. Take the time, as long as you have it. Work on you, for your recovery is imperative if you are to move on past divorce or into M recovery. No need to focus any efforts on your WH, really, because you don't want him in your life anyway. Fix you, concern yourself with you.

If he calls, don't answer; if a neighbor mentions he calls, say thanks but I don't need to know; if you bump into anybody, just walk on by, like they don't exist, because they are like strangers, treat them as such. Take the advise, don't, you do it Sis' way, okay.

You are your best protector, don't give that power to anybody else. Others don't know or understand your motivations, so don't expect them to know how or want to protect you.

Hope
Noun
The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Depression
(one symptom) Feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, pessimistic and/or guilty

Notice the definition of hope describes it as a feeling. Feelings are not wrong – they just are.

There are many different personality styles. Some people need to look at “reality” to cope. For others, that would be a catastrophe. Personally, if I did not have hope, I could not get out of bed in the morning. I hang onto hope that something I want will happen until it is virtually impossible. I not only see the glass as half full – as long as there is even a drop left in it, there is something to believe in.

My H is more of the “face reality” kind of person. That is fine, but if he tries to convince me to give up hope, or when he is being pessimistic about something, it makes me very angry. If I want/need to feel hope, then that feeling is what it is and it is mine to own and do with as I will.

LilSis,
If hope is what you need or want to feel at this time, I am behind you 100%.

Sis: If you don't mind my asking: How was your H when it came to admitting he was wrong about something (big or small), or taking responsibility for making a mistake?

I'm asking because I'm wondering if he is one of those people who just CANNOT admit they've done something wrong - especially if they've screwed up in a big way (like having an affair and leaving your family.) Some folks, and we've seen it here before in WSs, would rather go on living with their mistake than have to face the humiliation and perceived/feared punishment of owning up to what they did.

I have the feeling that your WH was one of those frog-in-hot-water type of guys. He was probably feeling a little bored with job/wife/kids and found that he got a little boost from The Turd. He kept going back for a little more and a little more, no doubt telling himself it was just some harmless fun and after all *his life sucks so he deserves to have some fun* - but by the time he realized how hot the water had gotten, it was too late and terrific damage had been done.

I'm not sure that this started out as an exit affair. I am betting it turned into one when WH realized just how badly he had screwed up so he HAD to make it seem "normal" and simply cannot face going back because that would be admitting he'd done something truly vile - as you said, Sis, something that was heretofore completely out of character for him.

So, what else could he do but finish what he started?

I wonder if it's not time to call Dr. Harley again and get his take on this.
Mulan

Here is the thing...

I remember the fear. I remember the guilt and the shame. I remember asking why, in a desperate attempt to put a frame around my situation that I could understand.

However...I did not value myself. I did not love myself or treat myself with respect. Additionally, controlling behavior was my response to fear.

So, when asking Why...I was distracted from examining ME and coping with MY life. Why brought me back into pity party mode, dragged down my spirit and my hope. When speaking to my sponsor, she made me stop asking Why.

Looking back at that time, I understand WHY she did that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Because I did not value myself...because I did not trust myself, I often blamed myself.

I was in victim mode, and was not able to accurately judge what I was responsible for and what I was not.

I had unrealistic expectations of others (ignoring my own responsibities in the process). But I sure had plenty of time to point fingers at all the people who had injured me!

I wasted precious time that could have been spent on ME (but I didn't believe that I deserved that time) on taking my husband's inventory. I had him figured out to a T - I knew possible nuance of everything he had ever done and I knew exactly what he should do to fix himself. Too bad I didn't have a clue about what was wrong with me....

Because I feared I was not enough...I believed that I was "less than"...it was easy to blame myself for so much...

You see...I had learned I couldn't control people and things that were not me. So, it was easy, with my lack of self respect andn self-trust, to rationalize that things were MY FAULT. I could control those things if they were MINE. (yes, I was one twisted babe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )

My why's had me in a downward spiral of self mutilation...

There is time for asking why. When and if marital recovery happens, when your husband can participate in the WHY (instead of creating your own inventory of him in isolation of his input), the Why-he-did-what-he-did part will be very helpful.

This is the time for asking WHY about YOU. WHY do you react the way you do. WHY you need what you need. WHY should not have anything to do with your husband.

This is your time, undistracted, to get to know YOU.

IF you do not reach marital recovery, and IF you end up divorced, then certainly, understanding WHY is helpful, IF you have reached a health acceptance of reality and yourself. However, you should not be addressing the WHY about your husband when you are vulnerable and in defensive, fear mode.

Do not get sucked in to taking your husband's inventory.

Take your own. You can do something about yours, you can't do anything about his.

BR... the more I read your posts the more you make sense to me.

I think you're getting great advice from all sides LilSis. The only thing I can really add is to say that there is much benefit in having hope while still recongnizing that reality is what it is. You seem to be doing really well with balancing hope for your marriage while at the same time realizing that Divorce is a possible outcome based on the fact that your WH seems to be dead set on moving in that direction (based on his actions). There is nothing wrong with being hopeful. There is also nothing wrong with accepting the fact that D may be the outcome. I think you grasp the fact that D is a possible outcome, even though it's not by your choice. The Harley's have said that not all marriages can be saved. I had to grasp that when deciding to consult with them when my ex-h was deep into his A with an OW. It was very helpful for me to understand that the plans can work, but it is not by any means a guarantee that my marriage would be saved. I was hopeful but not deluded by any means. My ex-h and I are divorced, but I am still thriving and doing better than I ever have in my life with a partner who loves and cherishes me. We both read this site and we do all we can to keep our marriage strong.
Hope for the best and prepare yourself to deal with whatever the outcome may be. In reality that's all that you can really do. There is a major difference between being hopeful and being deluded by refusing to accept reality for what it is. You are far from deluded. You are moving forward and making progress in self- recovery. Your WH is the only one who can turn this thing around by stopping the A. You have made it clear (in your Plan B letter) what he needs to do to help recover the marriage. The rest is up to him. If and when he comes around it will be your choice to decide if it is too late or not. Again, I think you fully understand what you are up against, and you are preparing yourself to deal with whatever the outcome may be, by working on yourself everyday.
Keep up the good work.

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

Boy, I am impressed with the advice you're getting here LilSis!! You are a lucky lady to have all these lovely people caring about you!!

Speaking as a BS, I know that it drives you CRAZY wondering, "I never saw this coming! Why did this happen? Was I just a complete FOOL?" So, from that point of view, it can be helpful to one day discover that some of the WS's behavior matches with this or that...or to learn about the personality time-bomb or character crack. Then some part of your (BS's) brain can say, "Aha! I wasn't completely naive. I didn't miss gigantic red flags that I should have seen. I don't have to second doubt myself."

HOWEVER, when your focus is mainly on the WS and "what's wrong with them" rather than being mainly on yourself and your own issues and your own areas of growth...that's when it can get a little weird. So, Sis, I don't think you missed gigantic red flags. I don't think you were in denial for your whole marriage. I just think your fella had a combo of a time-bomb and a crack, and now he his determined to continue down a path that is destructive to him. You were not fooled or duped all those years. He really did love you. You really did love him. You both really were fairly happy.

Your mama bee,



CJ

What CJ said. Absolutely.

This was not a terrible marriage. Keep reminding yourself of that every time that wave of 'so why did he leave me?' misery wells up.

Something went wrong with him.

TA

I think you're doing really well, LS. You get better with the triggers all the time. You recognize what kind of things are going to distract you from your Plan B and have taken steps against them. You know what you want to do, and you're doing it.

You have doubts and will continue to have doubts because it's the nature of what's happened to you, but it wasn't your fault. You know this, of course, but it's worth reminding yourself from time to time. It wasn't your fault. You're getting great advice from posters more knowledgable than me along these lines.

You can and should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

(((LilSis)))

LS:

Why?

Because.

That's why.

It's in HNHN, and 10 other places.

I do not think that CJ's (?) 3 types are inclusive enough.

Something did go wrong in your M. Went wrong in mine, went wrong in most of the folks who hang around here for any length of time.

Each of the particular reasons are particular to our own realtionships and the dynamics between the parties to the M.

RT caught your WH attention. Would have been someone else, if it wasn't RT. This, I know. RT had the advantage of being "safe" for a period of time and your WH let down his guard. And RT stepped into it. And WH LET her. It may have taken someone else, another OW, a lot more work to have gotten in, but his threshold was lowered, and RT kept pushing.

And then why did he continue? For all the reasons that you so eloquently enumerated already.

You can leave it at that. You NOW know where parts of your M went wrong and how to fix them for a future R.

That is the important part.

You don't have to take a class to get M. You don't have to take a class to get pregnant. But you can not adopt a dog without a background check and the puppys can't leave until they are over eight weeks old.

You came her and learned many things about your M. So did I. Wish I had learned them a long time ago.

My fault.

And I'm trying to, and will continue to, repair that.

(((LS)))

LG

....and as BR has pointed out, the WHY doesn't really matter at this point. Because it is only a way to avoid facing my fear.

That must have been spinning around in my head last night, because I woke up in a near panic. Ugly, false messages rolling around in my head. I got up, decided I would come and write them down here; face them down...but first I would get up, take a shower, put on my makeup, plucked a few rouge eyebrow hairs, and fixed my hair.

I refuse to even acknowledge those ugly words, so I will write the opposite:

I am irreplaceable.
I am irreplaceable (yes, I need to write that twice)
I am worthy.
I am loveable.
I am important.
I am valuable.
I am intelligent.
I am special.
I am unique.
I am great at what I do.
I am admirable.
I am a gift.
I am beautiful.
I have grit and determination.

Maybe the demon fear is worried that he's been exposed and he's vulnerable...so he came out fighting. I won't let him win.

Any tips, folks, on how to finish this guy off? I know that my humanity won't allow me to kill him for good...he'll always be able to poke his toe over the line from time to time, but I don't want to be his puppet any longer.

I'm a DO-er, as many have pointed out. So what can I do--proactively--to mount an offensive against this fear that's been pulling my strings?

******
It also may have been triggered by a realization I had last night. Memorial Day has always been a big holiday for the IL family. BIL/SIL from Fargo will come to town to celebrate their twin sons' birthday, and the whole clan heads up to the old farm homestead to lead the community Memorial Day commemoration.

Huge trigger...I was always a part of that. And I know there will be expectations and communication regarding that this week...WH has the boys this coming weekend, but they SHOULD be home on Monday. Of course I will have to allow them to attend the family event (WH is scheduled to work that day; it is likely that the boys would go up with ILs)

Also...DS11 concert is Weds. My mom is coming, and I think we've established how I am going to deal with it...wallpaper, out of sight. But stress, none the less.

Also...anniversay of my Dad's death is coming up on June 6. That's always been a difficult day.

I'll make it...I will. I have grit and determination (which I will add to my list above now that I think of it.)

It looks to me like you have a pretty good plan in place already for dealing with the fear.

Keep writing those affirming statements, and believing them.

How do I take my own inventory?

How do I get past the place of trying to convince myself of my worth and truly believing it?

How do I get past defining myself in relation to other people?

How do I get enought perspective on myself to recognize both my wonderful qualities as well as my flaws?

How do I own my flaws, without excusing them?

I feel like I have so much work to do. And I am scared. Because it is work I have to do totally alone. I have to face these demons alone.

Hi LS,

I couuld be wrong, but BR may be referring to step 4 of the 12 step program.

Step 4--Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The 12 Steps are powerful in any recovery. There is a ton of great literature available that can help you work the steps, if you believe they would be helpful to you.

I also just wanted to chime in and let you know that I think that you are amazing. Your growth is obvious to anyone that has followed your story and I have no doubt that you will experience a full recovery, with or w/o (W)H. Hope your buns get a little toasty from that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

God Bless you and your boys LilSis,
PF

How interesting! <smirk>

When we stop discussing the WS .... the thread gets quiet.

Putting the focus on ourselves...instead of the WS is not nearly as dramatic and riviting...lol!

Pulp is right, "self-inventory" is a reference to the 4th step of the 12 Steps.

While I firmly believe that a 12 step program can be helpful to everyone - you don't have to be in a 12 step program to take a step back from the drama in your life, from the distractions of your husband's antics, and spend some time simply taking stock of yourself.

It is a fact-finding mission - not a self-flagellation mission. It is just like taking store inventory. Think of it as housecleaning! You aren't trying to identify only the negative aspects of yourself - you are also identifying and recognizing your strengths and the really cool stuff about yourself.

You are answering the question: Who am I?

Along the way you'll probably find out stuff about you that you never really realized. Some of it will be great, some of it will require some work. But the cool thing is, you can not fix what you do not acknowledge. Just be simply acknowledging "what-is" is a big step forward!

I bet you find yourself introduced to a pretty wonderful woman!

Those affirmations were great. Stop by Barnes and Noble and pick yourself up a pretty journal. Hand write those affirmations every day. (Handwriting is far more intimate and personal than typing!)

Sis,

You asked "HOW" do you start doing the things.....that make you move toward healing yourself?

1. When you start the voice inside your head that tells you the negative things about you - stop and ask yourself this question:

If I were my own friend, what would I be telling myself?

We often tell ourselves things we would NEVER tell other people. We are so hurtful when we talk to ourselves. We often talk in such negative ways, and then expect to feel better! What is that???????

Tell yourself what is RIGHT about you. And don't just blow smoke. Tell yourself what is really right. You have good qualities, and you need to tell yourself about those things when you are feeling weak.

2. When faced with stressful choices, stop and think for a moment. Too often, people believe that the answer is either this one thing, or that other one thing. In reality, the answer is RARELY between 2 distinct choices. Resist those moments when you find yourself believing that you have just 2 choices, and take the time to see if other alternatives exist - alternatives that give you more peace. In most cases, the alternatives are there. Think about what would give you the most peace, the least stress, and what you could do that would approach the closest to that answer. Try to avoid the dichotomous choices. In this behavior you will find more control of your life, and much more happiness.

3. Your worth simply exists. Do not question that it is. We are all children of God, and in His eyes, we are all valuable. He knows every hair on your head. Because we are all sisters and brothers, your worth exists to those around you as well. Each and every day, in your living, you provide miracles to others. Miracles of living go on every day for everyone - because you smile at someone, they may be uplifted, a small miracle; because you buy gas at a certain station you keep someone employed and in a home, a larger miracle; it goes on. It makes each of us worth so much to each of the other of us. You in particular, LilSis, may not be aware of it, but by your actions of being who you are, your loving kindness to others gives them hope and meaning. Your children, your family, your friends, the readers here, the 10,000, because you are connected to others in this life in loving ways, you have worth. Let the doubt of your worthiness fall away.

4. In some respects, we all are defined by our connectedness to others. But grow not in the shadows of others. Plant your roots close to those of others, so that you may nourish yourself with them in their soil. But spread your branches out, reaching for your own sunlight. Lift your face up to the sky and let the light and heat of the sun shine on who you are as a separate being - roots firm with the people you love, branches reaching for your own light and wind. This is how you find your own identity separate from others.

5. Embrace your flaws. Laugh at them. They are what make you, you. Consider them part of the tapestry that is being woven into the tale of your life. If you don't like the thread of a certain flaw, cut it off and allow it to fall away. Don't regret it, for what it has already woven is there to remain to tell you and teach you something. Part of the story of LilSis. Remember, you control what is included in the tapestry, and what is left out, from here on out........your choice. Each and every thread. And remember, there are more than two choices, and threads can be blended - this is encouraged.

6. There are no demons you face alone. God would NEVER leave his child alone.

SB

Okay, LilSis...

You asked for it! It's kinda nutty, but here is what I did. You know those affirmations you wrote? Well, I took a whole Post-it note pack and wrote about 100 of those affirmations, and I posted them all over my house. Everywhere I went, I saw affirmations of how smart, capable, fun, independent, strong, lovable and valuable I was.

Then, whenever I saw one, I read it OUT LOUD, so that not only was I "thinking" affirming thoughts, but also I was hearing them with my ear. (For too long, my ear heard words that were not affirming...so I was changing the recording in my head by having my EAR hear it -and- by reading it!)

Next, I did a lot of "personality quizzes" and read books about personalities and stuff so I could identify what kind of personality *I* am! Turns out I'm introverted (although it doesn't appear so on the surface), because it takes my energy to be with people and I "recharge" my battery by being alone--yet I love people so much that I'm willing to expend all my energy on them! What I discovered is that I'm a person who is very empathetic, who loves peace and tranquility, who really wants to help others, who is pretty romantic, who really likes to be admired for what I contribute, and who had some inaccurate ideas about love and sex and how they are linked. By learning about ME and my personality, I was able to discover that I do NOT deal well with those driven, Type A personalities...I deal much better with a laid back, easy-going, low stress kinda guy. I read books like, "Self Matters" or "About Me" just to get to know ME! (BTW...I was fun to get to know)

In learning about "me", I learned where some of my personal weaknesses were so I could work on them. I worked a lot on boundaries--at the start of all this, I had NONE and had no idea what a "personal boundary" was. Hey--at the start of this, I had NO nurturing voice in my head!! I had to make one up! Anyway, I spent a lot of time learning how to be assertive, and neither passive nor aggressive...anger management! How to be angry and still be a lady--in other words, it's not a "sin" to be angry, it's a sin to be angry inappropriately. I spent a LOT of time figuring out what was normal and acceptable and what was not, because my exH had been physically and verbally abusive and I just could NOT visualize what was "normal." Finally, I spent a whole lot of time trying to figure out what "Love" was and what a healthy relationship would look like and how to tell what was mature love and what wasn't...etc.

Soooooooo...do you have any Post-it notes in the house?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


Your mama bee,



CJ