The affair is not because of a deficit in you.

The affair is not about you, but sometimes, in our desperate attempts to put it in a context we can understand and control, we make it about us.

We are all too often contributors to our own betrayal - because we choose to believe the lie from the WSes lips that it IS our fault.

The affair is his misguided attempt to fill a giant hole in him.

Unfortunately, no other human being can possibly fill that hole - which is why the affair WILL end.

And he leaves. Not just leaves, but found someone "better."

It went right to the heart of my deepest, darkest fear. It proved it. I was right to be afraid, I was right to doubt my worth.

_______________

first off.....he did not find someone "better."
he simply found someone "willing'.
he felt "entitled" to take advantage of that...and then he had to justify it.....has nothing to do w/ her being better.


you are judging yourself by what you THINK WH thinks.
don't judge yourself and YOUR worth by HIS weakness and poor judgement.

Please consider that the A is not about you, Sis.

Let that go completely, it's not about you. It affects you, certainly, and your children, most definitely, but it is not about YOU.

a woman who would have an affair with a married man who has small children is in NO WAY BETTER!

let's see, she has no morals, she is f*cking your husband but cries abuse when you give her a much deserved slap across her smug face, she is a tramp, a ho, an adulteress... shall i go on? she is NOT better lil sis.

my ex wanted someone who would bow down to him, do whatever he says, make a lot of money so they could buy him stuff, and someone he felt was hot. only in a narcissists world are those kind of superficial things important.
i pity the day ow gets into an accident that puts her in a wheelchair or disfigures her because my ex won't want her anymore. OR, worse yet, if she were to lose her job and not make the amount of money she makes now? he would toss her like yesterdays garbage.

we do NOT need men like that. if i were to meet my ex today i would not date a man like that! my ex, being who he is now does not interest me in the least. and i would not interest him. he used to want a nice girl, now he just wants a young dumb one that drools over his existance and cosigns loans for him. i am "too good" of a person for him. see, they are well matched because they are both bottom feeders.

and as long as your wh is acting as he is, he is well matched with what he has now, and no where near good enough for you.

mlhb

The thing is...

I KNOW EVERYTHING you all are saying is TRUE. I know this!! I know this!! And again, I get so frustrated at myself for even acknowledging that at the deepest CORE of me, THAT FEAR is the heart of what is holding me back.

Why does the doubt keep whispering to me? Why can't I just flick that voice off my shoulder and say FU? Why can't my INTELLECT, my LOGIC, even my own OBSERVATIONS about myself get that stupid voice to shut the f-k up?

I guess what I'm wondering...is this a common way to experience what has happened, and if so, were you able to muzzle that voice in time??

And how did you do that? Inventory? Self-reflection? Affirmations? The post-its? Journaling?

Clearly, I have had serious confidence and esteem issues going waaay back...we all do, of course, but maybe mine were a little worse than average? or maybe not? And I'm continually revisiting this with IC.

I'd say what you are experiencing is average... maybe better than average.

This is a fire you must endure, all this self doubt. The spiritual maturity you will develop as a result is well worth it.

in my experience you WILL stop blaming yourself in time. there is NO time frame of course, everyone is different. once in a great while i will get a little tiny voice that says "if you had done this, or hadn't done that, he would not be what he has turned into" and than i am able to right away say "no way! the signs were there all along, from almost day one, that these things could happen." i think, in time, you will be able to look back over your marriage, if you really honestly look, and you will see where he was selfish here or neglectful there. mine was ever so slow but looking back over 10 years i could see mine had anger issues, and selfishness issues, and on and on. it was not so huge in those 10 years that i noticed them until BOOM, he just totally became what he was always capable of becoming! and THAT had nothing to do with me. it was something always deep within him. and i believe it was only a matter of time before they reared their ugly heads. my ex did not fall too far from the proverbial tree. everyone thought he was different and would be nothing like his father. problem is, oh yes he is everything like him. and that possibility was always there. (and he was not even raised by his biological father, however he has turned out just like him.. interesting topic for another time...)

so yes, lil sis, i do believe in time you will be able to say "no, it is not ME or my fault! it is him and his lack of morals and his selfishness that allowed this to happen"
and you will be able to say FU to that little voice.

i am there now, took me probably almost a year to get there after he left, but i got there. you will too. remember, this is a process......

mlhb

LS, do I know about the need for perfection. My need to be perfect at everything has caused so much stress in my life. Right now, I am struggling with forgiving myself because of my need to be perfect. It is so frustrating and seems endless. And you know what is so ironic? Those 2 words, frustrating and endless, describe not only my struggle to forgive myself, but also my attempt to be perfect. Round and round, in circles I go!

If there is one thing I know, you did not push your WH into having an A. He decided that 100% on his own, and he choose RT because she was available and willing. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else with the flashing arrow sign that reads Open For Business. She was easy for him. Not better, easier.

And as everyone else has already stated, she doesn't even come close to you. She is so caught up in herself, that she doesn't even recognize the destruction she has caused and is causing to others, her own children included! You are the one worth fighting for. She is the one of least resistance. The fact that your WH is choosing her right now, shows his lack of character and strength, not yours.

My IC told me that someone once told me a lie about myself and I believed it. I have to stop believing the lie LS and so do you. Your courage, humility and compassion is a blessing not only to yourself, but to all of those lucky enough to have you in their lives. Believe that truth.

Here is to a wonderful, funfilled, energizing Memorial Day weekend. You deserve it!

Know what is really sad Sis?

Some betrayed go through what you are experiencing and do not take self inventory. Instead, they hook up with someone new almost immediately ... put a bandaid relationship over a festering wound.

LilSis

A cognitive approach to this would say...there are many possibilities for WH's actions. A sample might include:

- WH had a hole in his self-esteem that needed constant filling from outside. His wife ran out of fuel, so now he's sucking RT dry.

- WH was unwilling to reveal the true 'him', and felt pressured by having a real wife who made herself vulnerable to him.

- WH felt he was entitled to more than the normal satisfactions of marriage and fatherhood, but was unwilling to admit that to himself.

- WH was scared of failing at fatherhood, and found it easier to blame the marriage than face his own fears.

- WH felt threatened by having an intelligent, competent wife who challenged him in ways he found uncomfortable.

All of these are reasonable possibilities, yes?

Where would you place 'WH grew to dislike LS so much he didn't want to live with her', in terms of likelihood?

So why pick just that one?

You're doing a great job on the self-inventory.

TA

Yes, absolutely common. I was finally able to muzzle the voice with time but it was not easy. And this was even with my FWH dropping OW and his activities on DDay and agreeing to recovery. The self-doubt continued for a LONG time even with FWH offering affirmation of my worth, etc. I was fixated on his former actions that "proved" that I had no value. And in fact, they proved nothing of the sort. They proved only that he had been weak and had not protected his weaknesses.

After 1 month of IC for me and 6 months of MC, we reached a good place.

My IC had me exercise self-affirmation. I know this sounds corny to some people but making lists of your positive attributes and giving yourself positive strokes DOES help. I also found journaling to be theraputic. If I devolved into a pity party, I would go back later and review the circumstances - how had environment contributed to my self doubt in that moment? Was it fatigue? Was it a trigger?

And then I would work on what I knew to be true about me. That I had value. That I was wonderously made and absolutely deserving of love by others.

I know you are working on this with your IC. Hang in there. It WILL get better.

And even to those of us out here on an anonymous message board, it is CLEAR that you are a wonderful, witty, strong woman.

Whew. Okay, normal. Check.

This is probably true:

It helps to know that I'll endure this fire of self-doubt, and emerge with the ability (willingess??) to truly internalize what my mind knows to be true: I am worthy, not everything bad that happens is my fault, that "the lie" is just that...a stupid, destructive LIE.

If others have done it, so can I.

I thought TA's post was really important.

Why choose that one? Why choose that cause? When it is the least likely of all of those listed?

Having been in the shoes of a WS, I can tell you that flaws in a BS might provide a whole bunch of justification -- but it is NEVER the true "cause" of the affair. The true cause lives within the WS.

And it is one of the cruelest side-effects of the affair. When the BS asks why, the WS throws out all of their justifications -- which causes so much injury to the BS.

When in reality, the WS is simply too weak, selfish, etc. to admit the real "why". Its the deficiency in the WS that leads to the affair. Not a deficiency in the BS....

Lex: That was an excellent post from TA. Sort of lays it out there, doesn't it? Talk about PERSPECTIVE!

I think the reason I "believe" WH's justifications is because they went right to that very, very deep doubt about myself; that I'm not worthy, I'm not perfect enough...turns out not even good enough for my own husband, who VOWED to honor me, who CHOSE me.

The little voice has been saying "you're not good enough" my whole life, unabated, and suddenly..."Ah-HA! Told you so, LS. This PROVES it! Gotcha!"

It's the control, thing, too...that if I have control over others, or if I EXPECT my actions/words to effect the actions of others, then I am always RESPONSIBLE for everything. If I just do things right, then everything will be alright...all the problems in life can be averted. If a problem arises, it's because I didn't do something right. My fault.

It's never about anyone else.

So who's calling WH selfish! Here's me, hogging all the responsibility all for myself!! Not willing to SHARE with anyone.

This is starting to click...maybe a little.

pollyanna syndrome

I had that too

I killed my pollyanna ... she was causing me all sorts of grief

at first
I resisted killing her off

she was a part of me that I had always been proud of

she was so darn cheerful
so perky
so loved by others

pollyanna was my ambassador to the world
my "go to" persona

what I did not realize was this:

pollyanna was also a bit of a cop out

she was my excuse-maker allowing me to avoid conflict

pollyanna was the one who wore blinders over her eyes and refused to acknowledge repairs screaming to be made in the woman I had become

I grieved the loss of her innocence

pollyanna syndrome kept me young, immature, ignorant of some ugly pieces of reality

she was too stubborn to go away politely .... she had to be killed

once she was dead
I felt a vacuum
I had lost my spark
I felt old and defeated

for awhile

but, as other false pieces of me, remnants of my past self fell away, as I grieved the permanent loss of that young girl in me, my pollyanna

I found someone better
someone who had more depth and a much wider range of possibilities

a mature wisdom slowly developed in the places where pollyanna used to skip and sing tra-la-la

life is more challenging without pollyanna
more real
the hurts keep coming

but at least it is real

LilSis ~ everyone is giving you such great perspective - I just have one thing to say...

And that is - I don't think "muzzle" is the right word when dealing with fear.

I think what you are doing HERE on your thread is the right way - you named, you put it out there, and you are seeking input from outside perspective.

All of "this" that you are doing is how that fear will lose its power over you.

Did you ever experience fear of the dark when you were little? All those shadows were sooooo intimidating...until your Mom flipped on the light and suddenly you saw that the thing you were convinced was about to pounce and devour you was really your bathrobe over the back of a chair?

My sponsor always said that the mind is a scarey dark neighborhood that one should never go alone. She said, take a friend and hold hands.

You've got a whole train of friends holding your hands to inspect that scarey back alley of your mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Edited for massive typos, I'm sure I didn't get them all. Stoooopid eyeballs.

Wow Pep, this really got to me. This is what I've been trying to explain to my FWH, I'm not the same person I was pre-affair. I've got four grown children and I've seen one or two of them get hit with this realization as well.

Sis, I see a little of this in you too. Re-read your posts from the very beginning and SEE how your Pollyanna has been dying bit by bit.

Excellent post Pep!

Ah, sweet little Polly...

She's gone, daddy gone. I'm okay with that. I think I began to grow from her when my son was born, but my FWH didn't; he's still working with his Paulyandy. I don't mourn her as I appreciate growth more.

I turned 35 this year, and have begun to think about the second half of my life (longevity doesnt' seem to be my families strong suit). I want to become more wise, secure with me, understand my fallibility, see myself for who I am. I'm always curious about that last one; how do others perceive me. Not so that I can bend to their vision, but I am curious. I would rather people see my vulnerabilities AND know that I can be strong in the face of them.

All of my friends have seen me as a mess over the last two years, and all of them have seen this Phoenix rise from the ashes. I don't plan on going backwards.

Sis, you are coming a long way, just read back from where Plan B started. A new voice will begin to emerge and drown out the other, it just doens't happen overnight.

On the perfection tip; I was never really into perfectionism, but PWC was, probably still struggles with this. He recognizes that he is NOT perfect, but he still has those pesky little EXPECTATIONS of others to deal with. I think you two could learn a lot from each other. It's a shame he doesn't post here. Maybe he will someday. I KNOW I certainly have appreciated LG's posts to me. So real, from a place that I don't understand or know, and prefer to NEVER know. The FWS perspective.

I could prattle on and on, but you'll get there in your time.

Silent:

I really liked this:

I KNOW I certainly have appreciated LG's posts to me.

And then this:

So real, from a place that I don't understand or know, and prefer to NEVER know. The FWS perspective.

Ouch!

But my own fault, Huh?

Somedays, I wonder why I do. But I do try to provide a perspective that few here have. The Formerly Wayward Male.

But, I had lunch with Flamingo today.

Because of this site.

So I try to pay it back somehow.

(((SL))) (((LS)))

LG

LG, I deliver the message with total respect. I never want to be wayward; doens't mean I'm not susceptible, I'm nowhere near perfect.

It's funny, you said the Formerly Wayward *Male* and that is exactly what I was thinking when I wrote that. I need to understand from a male perspective, or atleast be told what the male perspective IS.

Now, I want to preempt anyone feeling snubbed by this, as all Former Wayward perspectives are of value to me and others; I am just particularly interested in the male perspective.