nia: yarmouth??

Lilsis,

I liked you first couple of sentences in the above post about entanglement. We are both in the same place our Waywards could careless about us or or feelings or the impact on their family to their actions. Mine is currently not seeing anyone but she has created such a fantasy fogworld that she believes all the lies she has created to justify what her actions have been. Back to entanglement, I have been trying to detangle myself from her, but I continually find myself finding ways to keep a contact with her, a simple text message about a non specific childrens event would just make may day, I never get a response, I would never see any action but I feel like I have reminded her I am alive one more time... This is a co-dependence issue that I have to work on I now.

So your doing really good by keeping it this dark, stay strong and we all love you and your not alone

God is patiently standing by your side, waiting for you to let go and step out of the way.


So put all these bits of your life into your God box and leave them there.


Fear that if you let go, Life will not turn out to your specificataion and disaster will result.

You are not that powerful, although you have convinced yourself that you are...


Do you really imagine that a calendar schedule will protect you from the unexpected this summer?

The calendar may give you a fix, a control rush, but it is an illusion only....

I don't have a problem with schedules and calendars - except when they are used to support the idea that you are powerful and in control.

I sit back and watch MYSELF in you, Sis..and so, of course, want to rush in and FIX you..

Because this ILLNESS of PERFECTIONISM..ILLUSION OF CONTROL..COMPULSIVENESS..whatever it is..is so hard to STOP...

I scream it to myself daily..LET IT GO..YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF THIS..YOU CANNOT FIX THIS..

(MIMI) "YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF"...

and NOW..my LOVED ONES know that I am struggling to pull back..

So I had to almost laugh at myself the other day...my 20yo son was lamenting to me/venting to me while he stood in OFFICE DEPOT about how DISORGANIZED he is..cause his MOM is not MICROMANAGING his life anymore... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He was SOOO CONFLICTED...I was about to rush in and help him decide on an ORGANIZER to purchase..he says: "YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE..LET ME LEARN HOW TO DO THIS"..(OUCH)..

THE CONFLICT: Why was he calling me then????

Life is SOOOO complicated.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA...if you're reading, I know why he was calling...

He knows that the NEW ME..can JUST LISTEN to him..I can JUST BE there FOR HIM...

I LOVE THE NEW ME...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />CHILLIN'

I totally get this.
It made me depressed (and angry) too, at first.

I wanted to be in that house of mirth. That's where my pollyanna could be hostess.

Keep going, you are very very close to a breakthrough Sis.

I woke bawling 2 mornings ago. A dream about my Mom upset me. I was in her house and she was telling me to leave, she was going away and she was never coming back. I was trying to decide which of her nicknaks to take and which to leave behind .... I could not decide which memory to part with. Mom told me I was not parting with the memory, just the stuff. This is pretty close to what just happened recently, we moved our Dad out of his home he shared with Mom (deceased 3 years) and we had to edit all their belongings. While I was there, doing the deed, I was OK, for the most part. But, there was this grief I had stuffed in order to be able to function so I could get the job done.

The grief (house of mourning) visited me in my sleep, because my self will was too powerful to allow it to come consciously. I did not want to go there., so I was led there, by my Mom in my dream.

I will be dead someday, and my children will be going through my "stuff", making such an edit. What would I like them to understand from that process?

Tears of joy and tears of sadness both are necessary to grow.

Life is unbearably sad sometimes. Yet, we find a way. Or, a way finds us.

Oh, and besides the objects of obvious value that my siblings and I split amongst ourselves .... I took one of Mom's lipsticks !

Can you believe that?

I tried really hard to throw it into the trash with all the other left over cosmetics ... but my hand just clung to that Revlon Sugar Poppy and would not let go.

I decided to use it up. With every application, it's like a kiss from her.

The love of your your Dad is in the house of mourning. Not in the house of mirth. Laughter through tears brings you closer to him , and to HIM.

{{{{PEP}}}}

Deeply EMPATHIZING with you today...

BEEN THERE..DONE ALL OF THAT....

I REALLY wish I could REACH out and HUG you...

Pretend that I am....

You are ON MY HEART...

Lilsis

For your day:

Lam 3:19-24 "I remember will my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning' great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself "The Lord is my portion, there I will wait for him."

Pep:

Cleaning out the house?

Always tough.

I really liked your use of the lipstick.

What a fabulous touch.

LilSis, keep cleaning the house.

LG

LS, you might want to look into getting a tooth guard...sounds like you might be grinding your teeth.

Pep,

My heart goes out to you. It's so very hard to lose a beloved parent.

My dad died last August. I feared his dealth most of my life b/c I loved him sooooooo much. And when it actually came it was worse than I imagined it would be.

Such an empty place in my life now. Such a loss.

I've had boxes of his things that I wanted to keep to remember him still sitting in my garage. Last week I tried to go through them.Didn't get very far.

LS,

I'm so sorry for these two huge losses coming so close to one another.

((((LS))))

You're healing and growing so much! I see it.

~ Marsh

LilSis,

Regarding disentangling, it has been my experience that over the years, more and more threads are put in place that entangle you with someone (if you let them be put there). Some are pleasant tangles...like happy memories of holidays, birthdays, and "that camping trip where you rolled the canoe." Some are tangles such as joint bank accounts, having both names on the mortgage, and even retirement accounts that you both saved "for the days when you retire together." I think you can tell that you have made some significant progress in disentangling THOSE kinds of tangles. It's a little like the Gordian Knot--slowly but surely you untangle ONE thread...then another...then another--and you can't really untangle the whole knot all at once.

The threads that are MUCH, MUCH harder to disentangle are the emotional and mental threads. These are the threads that cause you to be "afraid to do XYZ" because he'll be mad...or that cause you to do this or that manipulation because "it always worked before" or "it's the way we've always been." I call those threads Moves in THE DANCE: I move this way, he moves that way...I say this, he counters with that. These are the threads that are so frustrating to disentangle, because you have to UNLEARN your previous Dance and learn a whole new way of Dancing...or choose to stop Dancing!

Sis, take a moment and do some personal inventory here. When you first went into Plan B, you didn't want to go partially because "it would make him angry." Now you make your decisions because they are good for you and/or your kids--not based on the reaction you expect him to have! That's one thread disentangled!! When you first went into Plan B, you wanted to call him or contact him ALL THE TIME!! Now, you contact him when it's pertinent to business or the kids. Another THREAD!! See...if you look closely, you have made some marvelous strides in disentangling...and you have more threads to untangle too, but slowly and steadily, you are coming closer and closer to emotional freedom and differentiation.

Now, here's my prescription for the holiday: REST. You have done so much work, on yourself, on your kids, on your life and on your marriage--and I think you deserve a REST. So, your mama bee prescribes one day of eating dessert for dinner, reading a good book (like a smooshy book by Nicholas Sparks), a hot soaking bubblebath, and maybe paint your nails so you're a GODDESS/DIVA!!! Rest. No more work on yourself today. No more work on the boys or the summer schedule. No more budgeting. Just...go to Dairy Queen and have that Double Chocolate Brownie thingy you've been eying because calories don't count today.

(((((LilSis)))))

Your mama bee,



CJ

Gosh, with all of the great advice that you are gettin, what more can I say? LMAO...except YOU KNOW you are NOT alone...

((((LilSis))))

Still in your corner!

Wow, everyone...did I ever need this tonight.

It was an emotional day. My sister and I did the calendar thing...yes, it is a control thing. I NEED it so that I can determine my work schedule for the summer, and so that the boys can have a better idea of what's going to happen and when. None of this uncertainty for them like we did this weekend for the Mem Day thing.

Sure, those "little things" will come up, but at least I can have some sense of when I will be in the office, and when I need my mom to come and help out so I can work, etc.

Sis and I then went on to begin looking at the FOC stuff regarding the arrearages. She went through all the paperwork with me, wrote down a whole list of questions and issues, and I'm just going to copy everything and give it to my attorney to figure out. Let him deal with it.

So that was pretty emotionally draining. Then she and I headed off to the market to get the flowers.

Just as we were packing up the back of the Vibe, who pulls in to the fire station adjacent to the market....WH. He knew I was there, I didn't look at him; he hopped out of the cruiser and went into the fire station.

Driving back to the house I started crying. I just broke down and told sis everything...how I hate seeing him, how I still love him, how I hate running the gauntlet every morning, how I feel so overwhelmed, how I feel like I can't keep everything together anymore...not with all this divorce stuff breathing down my neck, how I feel so completely ALONE here in this town with she and my mom an hour away, how I've got no back-up, how seeing WH breaks my heart because it's like my H is dead, but no, he's walking around acting like a complete stranger and hurting me....

All the while bawling...it ended up feeling good. She was crying, too, just listening...

It did feel good to get it all off of my chest. I really unloaded.

I'm going to do more self-inventory tonight, when it's quiet. I wonder if some of that episode today was triggered by my beginning to realize that I just have to let go. Beginning to understand what that means. But I am afraid...I will admit that to you all...very afraid, I still want to fix, to find a way, scramble, make it work, if I just try HARD enough...

Sigh.

So mama bee, you are right...I need rest...but I didn't get it today. I really do need it, though. And thank you for pointing out the little knots I have untangled.

And Marsh, pep...the anniversary of my dad's death is June 6, so I think that's another issue I'm dealing with right now. This time of year brings back all the memories of that year...our nightly vigils at his bedside the last couple of weeks, taking turns so my mom always had someone at the house, the sound of the oxygen tank.

What did I take? His favorite Celtics sweatshirt. Just close my eyes, I can picture him wearing it right now...and he's not sick. You know exactly what I mean, don't you?

My sweet little boys wants to cuddle. So I'm going to go do that...

Yes. And this all ties into your belief that people will find you worthy if you're perfect.....good enough.

If people choose to love you based on whether or not you are perfect, than their choice can be manipulated by your working towards becoming that.

BUT, if people's choice to love you is based on something else...something that is out of your control...then what?

Will you cling to your old false belief, b/c it gives you the illusion of control?

Trusting that illusion comes w/ a heavy price...do you want to keep paying it?



I remember this sound.



Yes.

(((LS)))

~ Marsh

THIS is what scares me. If I don't deserve someone's love, if I'm awful towards someone, if I'm just a terrible person...why would ANYONE love me??

Everything in the Bible says God would. Is that enough for me? I don't know if it is...and I know just saying that is awful.

But if *I* feel that God is in all of us (somewhere) then maybe someone COULD love me even if I'm awful...imperfect.

This is so hard to grasp. I want to fully understand it; fully believe it.

I did have sort of a revelation this morning (obvious to you all I'm sure) that I've been fighting with God. *I* know, God! Just do THIS, God!

I wish I could just hear his voice saying it will be alright.

But I don't know if I believe that. My dad died. My nephew died at 2yo. All the sufferering in the world. How was that alright?

It's this battle in me, wanting to believe, wanting to take the leap...but afraid to. Afraid there's not really anything or anyone there to catch me.

This is probably all heresy.

Sis:

Sorry if this sounds like I'm preaching but I say this with the LOVE OF GOD in my heart...

What about all of the BLESSINGS that GOD has bestowed upon you?

HE did not promise us a life without SUFFERING. I've lost my father and my beloved grandparents..I miss them sooo much..many of us here have lost loved ones..but they are with THE LORD...in a much better place..it is SELFISH/YET HUMAN of ME to want them here FOR ME..there's a sweet day when we will see each other again...

HE has compassion for our SUFFERING....as JESUS died upon the cross...but this all has A PURPOSE..HIS PURPOSE that is beyond our understanding...



GOD cannot be UNDERSTOOD or else HE would not be GOD...



In HIS OWN WAY..in HIS OWN TIME..not MY WAY, LORD but YOUR WAY is the PRAYER...

In the Christian belief, JESUS left us with the HOLY SPIRIT to guide us...and I BELIEVE the SPIRIT is working in your life..even through this forum..as we all come to speak to you...

{{{{SIS}}}}

Mimi, always trusting in the LORD....

Are any of these statements true????


You don't deserve love?
You're awful?
You're terrible?

Where on EARTH is this coming from????
We've all been communicating on this forum for months....and I don't think one single person thinks you are awful or terrible.

Is this really your belief?

Lex: No, it's not my belief; I'm speaking hypothetically. I'm not saying that I AM undeserving of love, awful or terrible...but can my ACTIONS ever make me so? I'm sure there are some people I have come across in my life to whom I am awful or terrible.

Like to RT. Or to the girl I hated in 6th grade. What about axe murderers?

My question is just that....if I do NOTHING to deserve someone's love...or even if I reject someone's love...WHY would that person love me?

Part of me answers my own question. I still love WH, despite what he's done. But that seems different, somehow?

But Marsh asked, "if people's choice to love you is based on something else...something that is out of your control...then what?"

What is that SOMETHING ELSE? Is she saying that if someone loves me just BECAUSE...maybe even BECAUSE of my flaws...when I'm not perfect...but what is it based on?? What gets me loved in the first place if not my actions, things that I do control?

I feel this NEED to make sure that people love me...so I have to DO to insure that. I can't get over needing to earn love. Because love isn't a free pass forever, is it?

I'm talking human love, not God's love, which I see as much more divine and all-encompassing.

mimi: I SO SO SO envy your ability to trust in the Lord so completely. (and I don't mean envy in the ugly way, but in the sense that I sincerely wish I had that same capacity...right now, MY time...I know)

I WANT to trust, but then there's that voice..."but look, Sis, how can you trust someone who took your dad? How can you trust someone who let your nephew die? How can you trust someone who allows all this suffering in the world? Yeah, He's done great stuff and given you wonderful gifts, but if He's so great and so all powerful, why does he let all this [censored] happen?"

I want (I know...WANT) God's voice to be louder. That's why I keep reading the Bible...searching.

And all I find is that it's not for me to understand. Why does God keep us in the dark? Is it a test of faith?

And I let the hub-bub of life drown out the small voice of God, who whispers. Maybe some time to be still, to meditate, to clear my mind...see if something more peaceful enters my mind...

Okay...this is way too much, isn't it, for a post holiday weekend...

I am much, much closer to letting go...I think. I know I need to, I just need to find peace with it...

You are all helping...thanks for listening to my ramblings...

LilSis ~ here is a book by a Jewish Rabbi that I found very helpful. When Bad Things Happen to Good People