The first step - acknowledging and accepting that I am not so powerful.

The second step - acknowledging and accepting that someone bigger than me (God as I understand him) is powerful and in control.

The third step - Letting go and letting God take charge.

Lil Sis, I too struggled with that very question when my dad died at the age of 53. I was distraught and angry. I haven’t really come up with “the answer” but I have to come to understand what Jesus meant when He said that rain falls on just and unjust. Christians and unbelievers both suffer. The Bible tells us right off the bat that Adam and Eve had it made (everything was perfect!) but they blew it big time. Before their “fall”, there was nothing but goodness, beauty, etc. But, in His perfection, He also gave us free will.

God could have created us as robots—no pain, no emotion, just created and programmed us to worship Him. But He didn’t. He allows us to make our own choices—so much sweeter then is the worship from his creatures who choose to worship Him. Because of Adam and Eve we live in a spiritually fallen world and good people AND bad people suffer alike. Only in heaven will everything be completely right again. Till then, we as believers have to deal with The Fall in grace and with hope .

So what I’ve come to understand is this. Life happens. Babies are born. People die. Not everything that happens can be blamed on the devil or on God. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes God intervenes, sometimes not.

ETA: and sometimes He's intervening in HIS way and we have no clue what's going on.

You know, I don't know if it's significant, but I am much more settled and able to focus at work today (dispite that fact that here I am typing this).

I think unloading it all to my sister yesterday helped. We did have a long conversation about the schedule. Her primary concern is that I get an answer about that as soon as possible so that I can have some (yes, I know!) control over my life. But again, we are talking about my work schedule, knowing who will be taking care of the kids and when...so I don't feel like I am blowing in the wind so much.

God may be in control, but He's not going to make a babysitter magically appear when I need to go to the office. Darn it.

I will get this...I need to keep reminding myself, and focusing on, that God is in control. He has a plan. He knows all. Only this will bring me peace.

meggy, I love this: "But, in His perfection, He also gave us free will."

And BR: I am not so powerful, but God is. Let him do his job. How'd you know I was a list person? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This morning I prayed that He'd just take the doubt and fear away, and let this trust in Him come easy. Grant me the peace of knowing I am in his hands.

LilSis ~ I used to pray for the willingness to be willing to accept God's will. I was and still am a stubborn old broad and I like things MY way.

I don't know if this will help, but one of my sisters died in a terrible accident when she was 19. Her death hurt my whole family terribly, but there were and continue to be beautiful things that happened out of her suffering: National Catholic Register article

The Holy Spirit...Angela touching your life, Sis....

Here's an answer to one of your questions:

Sis,

My mother's burial was on February 14th. Not a very good day for me, most of the time. This year, I didn't really celebrate Valentine's day, so much as enjoy it's passing, and take the day for what it is, just another day.

It is very tough to disentangle from your WH when you see him and are constantly triggered by every [email]d@mn[/email] place you visit in town. That's rough, so give yourself a break. YOU ARE NOT, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, PERFECT.

Your boys were disappointed because they couldn't (seemingly) go to see their family. Not your doing Sis. Do what Pep suggests and mention what you are doing during the holidays that you aren't with the boys, and tell them that you are willing to consider changes to the schedule, upon request, but you cannot KNOW when the boys may want to change things up, so they need to be open with you and tell you. Yes, those boys can ask to spend MORE time with their family, but you are no mind reader. This does put them in a tough spot, but learning to voice your opinion or a want or need is an important lesson we all must learn. No one knows what is in our hearts and minds unless we verbalize it.

Letting go takes time, so just take that time. You don't know when it will happen, but control issues are toughies. They take time and realization.

Sis, I've had a lot of loss in my life; never knowing my father, my grandmother's death when I was 12, having no grandparents from that point on, my mother's marriages and divorces, moving from place to place, being poor--LORDY I can hear those violins.... you know what, though, I have so much to be thankful for, too.

For instance, my mother remarried when I was 8, to a military man, sooooo, we up and moved to Germany. We lived on the 'economy' (amongst the Germans) so no one spoke english, therefore, my brother immediately took to his Berlitz and learned German (a plus from the sitch), and my sister and I bonded very closely (a plus plus). We also got to live overseas, and experience such a great place (plus plus plus); our family was so far away (minus), but came to visit, and took us on trips up the Rhine river (++++++).

My point is, I miss Germany, now. I loved the experience, even though it was pretty tough in the beginning. I consider myself lucky for getting the opportunity to live in another country. I learned a lot! Plan B was the same for me, it was trajic that my M was falling to pieces, but it was great to put myself back together, in preparation for come what may. I am in marital recovery, but Plan B afforded me personal recovery that I could not find in Plan A.

I could prattle on and on, but I have been blessed with a great life and family. I have lost much along the way, but gained equal or greater amounts. I can't say that I am happy with what has happened to my M, but I am grateful to have learned so many valuable lessons, and learned to be more peaceful and patient.

You live in triggerville, Sis, and you cannot escape that, but you will learn so much about yourself and learn to cope in ways that you could never have before. You are given what you can handle, and you are doing just fine.

Sis,

I'm not surprised that you are finding yourself comparing the situation with WH and your marriage with the loss of your father. The parallels are tremendous, and with the anniversary coming up, your mind is working overtime.

You are a faithful woman. It is normal to question your own faith. People of faith worry that they don't have enough faith - those who are most in danger of loss of faith are those who don't think about their level of faith. Because they are not paying attention, it dwindles and they find themselves without.

I lost a brother and BIL, both in tragic car accidents. Too many friends as well. For many years, I also worked in the health industry, and lost many patients. The following story gave me great faith in what I now truly believe as an afterlife. This is true, it is real, and it happened with me as a first-hand witness. Have faith, LilSis, for there is a God, He visits upon us Angels who watch over us, and they care for us. We are all worthy of love.

Here is the very true event:

I was working in a nursing home, and a respiratory therapist "Susie" and I had a mutual patient who was nearing the end of her life. This patient had always called everyone "Honey", and never used anyone's proper name, having been the victim of a very serious stroke some 10 years earlier. I will call her Ms. C.

Ms. C had been a smoker for many, many years. She had COPD, and Susie had to suction Ms. C's lungs about 4 times a day to give her comfort. Part of my job was to assist Ms. C during meals and to verify that she had not inhaled food into her lungs. Susie and I were in the room, and it was clear that Ms. C was dying, and Ms. C told us that she would be leaving soon.

"Can you see them?" she asked. "Who?" we asked her. "The angels. They are waiting for my beloved John. As soon as he gets here, I will be going with them." she answered.

Susie and I were frozen, still and silent. We didn't know what to say, so we offered Ms. C comfort and support. The next morning, Ms. C turned to Susie as we went in and said, "Susie, they are still here. All the angels are still waiting for John. He's not coming though, because I'm getting better."

And she did. For about two days, she got better. What was strange, was that Ms. C used Susie's actual name, and NEVER HAD GIVEN ANY INDICATION TO ANYONE BEFORE THAT SHE EVER KNEW ANYONE'S NAME. She had always called everyone "Honey".

Two days or so later, we went into the room. Ms. C grabbed my hand, and held me, calling me by name. Susie and I looked at each other. "They are here, and my beloved John is here. I am going soon. They are all here now, and I will be going on. It will be okay, because they will all take care of me."

She died that day, just hours later. Peacefully.

Susie and I both had never had an experience like that before.

I know there is an afterlife, because Ms. C told me so. She saw it, and they came for her. They were there for her. And I believe in all my spirit that your father, my brother, BIL, and all who go, are cared for.

Because our God is merciful.

He does not leave His children alone.

Not when they live.
Not when they die. No matter what age.

Not when their WH parks at the firestation, or when they act like idiots on Memorial Day weekend.

Right now, God is waiting for your WH to figure out that God is waiting for him. God is painfully sad for WH, but God still loves even your WH. And so do you.

There doesn't seem to be a need to be a "why" to love someone, does there? I mean, we love people even when they do things that seem unforgiveable, and we forgive them, and love them anyway. I told my daughter that love can be unconditional, but relationships are conditional. That's what is at play here, LilSis - you can still love WH; you can love him unconditionally, but the relationship IS conditional.

You asked about if you could do something that could make it so someone couldn't love you. Personally, I believe that yes, this is possible. There are people who do believe in "unconditional love". I'm not 100% sure I am capable of that. Others may be, I'm not sold that I am. The Christian thing to do would say that we must be; I would hope that I would be, but I wonder about my personal capabilities there. So far, I am. However, there are certain situations that I can think of.....

But with God's love, it is a different love, like you said. And you are always worthy of love in His eyes. Even when you were hating that girl in 6th grade. Because God forgives you for that stupid stuff. The very first time you ask Him to forgive you for it.

The problem here, LilSis....
Is that people have trouble forgiving themselves. We keep praying to God to forgive us - for the same thing, over and over! He forgives us the first time! (I have wondered if He is up there thinking, OK, ALREADY, I FORGAVE YOU FOR THAT ONE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

And people keep believing stupid things that aren't true about themselves. Like that stupid thing someone told you that isn't even close to true.......what was that stupid thing? Don't cling to it. Because it wasn't true then, and isn't true now. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's stupid - and I know because someone did the same thing to me (and to everybody else - we all have that "someone" in our life!).

And they keep trying to be perfect. Even when they know they can never be perfect. We all fight that demon to some extent. And we worry that everybody else will someday figure out that we are imperfect. Surprise, they already have! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oh well.........

Enough for tonight. I guess I had to say this or something.
I'm chatty.....
FWIW.

I could be wrong. Or not.

wow

that is really ... well .... no words

thank you so much!

SB, I was getting ready to leave for home from work when I opened up this thread. I am simply in tears. No words to say, like pep, just tears..buckets of tears.

Some day I will share my angel story. God bless you.

sis, i just feel so much for this path you are on right now. gosh how we have all, or most of us, been there.

i know it doesn't seem fair that there is pain in this world, and disease, and suffering. but God gives us all free will, there is evil in the world (until christ comes again in judgement that is) and we are human with human bodies and minds. and some things are just beyond our realm of understanding.

place all of this, place everything at christ's feet lil sis. i know that is hard when you want to be in control. i get that! i was one of those people. i understand how hard it is to let go of control. i wanted to control my ex, when he saw the kids, how he saw the kids, who could be there when he saw the kids... etc. that only flew for so long. unfortunately, in the eyes of the law he can see them with ow around, he can have them x amount of days a month, etc.

what i am trying to say is, i had to let go of my control and let god do his thing.

and it all happens in HIS timing, not ours. we all go through things for a reason that we cannot see right now. i completely believe that. had i not gone through what i have gone through i would not be who i am today. i would not have the faith i have today. i would not be the committed sunday school teaching, children's church teaching, christian singing woman on her way to becoming a teacher that i am today. all very positive things that came out of me needing to change and become who god wanted me to be. had my ex stuck around, i would not be her right now. i would still be stuck in depression and sadness in a marriage that was dead.

i now thank god for my thorns. for i learn something and i grow from each one.

keep growing your faith lil sis,and when you are finally able to let god be in control as he is anyway, you will just see amazing changes. my life is so much better now that i let HIM handle it. :-)

mlhb

sb, great story. and i believe it.
yes, god loves all of his children and i truly believe he weeps and sobs for those who are lost or who have turned away. i don't believe he is full of anger and hatred, i believe he weeps with disappointment.

BrambleRose,

I wanted to thank you for posting that link to the story of your sister. She sounds like a beautiful soul.

Also, I started reading your advice when you were posting to Frozen. Your advice and delivery really speak to me and I am always happy for any poster that you choose to help,as I know they're getting useful advice; and as a personal added bonus, I lurk and grow along with them.

It seems that remarkable women run in your family.

Thanks,
Pulp

I am so overwhelmed by what has been posted here today.

Look at all of this...personal stories, testaments to faith and hope and survival and perservence. Lessons for me to learn; stories for me to hear....for my heart to hear.

And before I even got the chance to read all of this, I really had a wonderful evening that brought me to just the right "place" to hear it all.

The boys and I had dinner, sat outside and ate ice cream, then planted our garden. Tomatoes, watermelon, strawberries and a blueberry bush. The boys each picked their things (DS8 chose the tomatoes just for me...he doesn't like them). Dirty and muddy...the smiles on their faces, the excitement and pride...what joy I felt to see it, to experience it with them.

Just joy! It was the boys and I. Us and the earth...God's creation all around us, under us. I was in the right place, the right time, it was just right. All's right with the world.

And I'm sure my dad was smiling; he loved to garden. And I need to imagine that, as my angel, I can picture him standing on the edge of the garden, leaning on the spade, overlooking his garden and smiling at his grandchildren. Those images take away the images of the ugly painful end.

My boys love me. They really, really do. While we were sitting on the patio eating our ice cream, we were talking about how God was all around us. And it occurred to me...so we are not alone, are we? All we need to do is look around, see something beautiful, see the smiles on the boys' faces, and know that God is here.

For the moment...all the sadness and anxiety is falling away, and I'm feeling peace with my life. Little by little...but this is a taste of what it is supposed to be...

I think.

And no need to prove the existence of angels...they are all here...

One last angel story. Puleez. When my youngest son Ryan was 3-years old, we were leaving a restaurant after church one Sunday. I had my youngest daughter (an infant at the time) in my arms. We were standing at the door laughing and saying goodbye to our friends. We told our oldest daughter who was around 8 at the time to take Ryan to the car, about 10 feet away across the parking lot. About the time she got to the car, he pulled away from her and began to run back to us. At the same time a Firebird drove through. My husband said that he watched my countenance turn from mid-laugh to horror in an instant. I screamed and everyone turned and ran towards the car.

We were terrified to look. We walked around and could only see Ryan’s feet sticking out from under the car behind the driver’s side front tire. He wasn’t moving or making a sound. Several of the men started trying to pick the car up, and we all began to pray. I was a basket case. They didn’t want to risk moving the car because a Firebird is very low to the ground. The teenage girl driving was in shock. About that time a man no one knew knelt down and pulled Ryan from under the car. Ryan didn’t have a scratch on him. He picked Ryan up and said, “the child is fine.” My husband grabbed Ryan and everyone began laughing and praising God! We turned around to thank the man and he was gone. It was as if he just vanished into thin air. We even ran back into the restaurant to see if he was there. He wasn’t. No one saw him arrive or leave. To this day we believe that he was an angel. There is no way Ryan should have survived that.

[quote]nia: yarmouth?? [/quote

__________________

cool...i'll be in chatham.
not far at all.
i think you'll love the cape.

sorry you were having such a rough day yesterday.
hope today is better.

Triggery today. It is RT's b-day, and I couldn't wondering for a few minutes this morning how they would be celebrating. Then I quickly turned my thoughts to what *I* would be doing today to make it a great day. I'm still working on that one...sort of average so far.

I also got an email from my sister, who apologized for pushing me so hard this weekend. She was very much in a do, do, do mode...wanting me to make decisions and get some things settled.

She was right...for instance, the summer schedule needed to be worked out so that my mom could get the days that I need her on her calendar. She was also pushing me to call about getting the appraisal, etc.

I was really resistant; as I mentioned, I was really feeling overwhelmed just by the everyday stuff, and didn't really have the ability to deal with those other things...so addressing them just drained me more.

Anyway, she said in her email this morning, "I've thought a lot about this. I think that sometimes I may not seem to accept the way that you are feeling, only because my own circumstances have a similar bent and I refuse to accept defeat. If you do, then I am that much closer to it myself."

It just made me really sad and disheartened, because I don't feel like I am admitting defeat at all. I AM admitting that I can't do it all, that I need help, that I am overwhelmed, that I am NOT perfect or all-capable or superwoman.

I also admitted to her (finally) that I still love my husband, that I am terribly hurt when I see him, that I am trying to live my life, but the pain really gets in the way sometimes. That I don't want this ugly version of H back, but that it is next to impossible to see him and separate out the ugly man from the one I married, whom I miss with all my heart.

I felt I was being honest with myself and with her.

I really don't see our situations as all that similar in terms of HOW we got here. She suffered a devastating loss of her young son 20 years ago, and it has affected everything in her life since. Her marriage fell apart as a result, and she is now a single mom, with her D just completed. She was the one who filed, she was the one who needed to get out of what had become an abusive relationship with a man she hardly knew anymore. She is living with our mom, which although not always perfect, at least provides her with someone very nearby, in her corner. Back-up.

I feel very, very isolated here, an hour away from family, surrounded by WH, RT, ILs, and friends who bailed.

Of course, I do have the friends who did not bail...who came out of the woodwork to support me...but there is still that sense of being constantly on alert, wary of every cop car, wary of every silver Chrysler minivan, wary when I go to the market, etc. It's exhausting.

And I suspect this is not just an emotional response...it is a physical one. Again...from a behavioral perspective, I've been hurt so deeply and so many times that I physically percieve them as threats and have a physical reaction to sightings, or the possibility of an encounter.

Anyway, I don't think that my sister understands that. And couple all of that with the fact that I still LOVE WH, it's almost too much to take sometimes.

You know, all the talk of angels. It serves as a reminder to me that God is working in his own way in his own time. I have to keep myself out of it. I still feel sad fairly often, though, and it never seems to stop flowing. I can put it aside from time to time, but it is still there.

Like it's a friggin' bottomless pit of grief. And I have to continually bail it out, bailing, bailing, bailing...wondering when the heck it is going to stop.

Oh well...onward with another day. I'll work on making it great.

You ARE exactly right here...but you can see how OP's POV can be so different...like you, I see what you see...and it's hard to admit that we can't accomplish everything that we want to accomplish sometimes...asking for help is REALLY hard for me...it's something that "I" have to work on!

I am in awe of your strenght, and even when you don't feel that you have much more left, a tiny bit of self-care and WHAM...there you go again...off and running...

You, my dear, are a survivor! Resilient in your efforts! Definitily someone to be admired...a source of strenght to others! For this "I" thank you...


This "valley" may seem REALLY DEEP right now, but once you are on the other side looking back...it won't seem as deep as it once was... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have faith in you! Lending you my hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on...just like SOOOO many others!

((((LilSis))))

It's okay to hurt Sis. I would worry if you didn't. I KNOW this is hard, so hard. But again, you don't know what's going on outside of your Plan B. It looks dark because you're dark right now. You're looking at the circumstances that seem impossible right now. I think you're doing a great job and handling your life well. There's no hurry for you to DO anything. Just love those boys and love yourself.

(((Sis)))

Rin: See, I look at you and think, Wow! Look at her. She is leading the charge of killer bees, tackling all the unbelieveable amount of crap--truly unbelieveable--and remaining strong and proud.

You, YOU are a rock, my friend and my sister Bee.

It's amazing how a few kind words from you and Meggy lift my spirits.

I also responded to my sister's email with much of what I wrote in the earlier post...very H&O with her. I don't see it as defeat, and telling her that it stung a little that she'd see it that way...instead that it's just me admitting my UNperfectness.

I told her that I shouldn't--nor should SHE--see admiting fallibility as a defeat, as a black mark, a reason not to be loved. In fact, it connects us all the more, to each other and to others.

Maybe this can help her a little, too?

Because I know she doesn't understand at all, I also tried to explain more about my feelings for WH, for the hurt I feel, for the deep down wish that H comes back, and why I hope that, even in the face of seeming overwhelming odds. And my constant stress living here in triggerville, feeling isolated and alone so much of the time.

Anyway...I feel better having been honest with her, for revealing my whole heart to her.

Good For you! See how we take back the pieces of self that we have given away! LOL Little by little, like CJ said we unravel the enmeshment...peeling back the layers of that onion to get to the core!

Okay, it's agreed that we both admire each other! Thank you for the compliment!

It's okay to have a bad day, it's what you do with it...just like making a mistake...it's what YOU learn...it's not getting stuck! AND, you're moving...You're acting, and not reacting! It's just never fast enough for us! it's God's time that we should be more concerned with!

keep up the great work!

Pulp ~ thank you - I am lucky to have such awesome siblings, and despite my difficulties with my dad, he had a hand in how we all turned out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sis ~ I have found often, that most people offer advice that has more to do about themselves than what is good for me.

This is a good lesson for both you and your sister, and a boundary that you have to define for yourself - that you will not feel obligated or burdened by advice motivated by an agenda other than your own.

This is not a boundary you have to set on your sister, its simply a choice about what you choose to take on....Take what you like, and leave the rest, is what I learned in Al Anon.

Letting Go is NOT the equivalant of Defeat.

Not even close.

Letting Go is how you will, in the end, become happy, joyous and free, regardless of what your husband chooses in his own life.