I'm not sure what the motive behind my sister's email was...I think that she was feeling like she needed to explain why she was pushing me so hard on Monday.

I was quite proud of myself for making the distinction between defeat and admitting my fallibility; letting go of my illusion of perfection.

Couple of other things today...I got a nice email from my sister who is living in Japan. We have not been in touch much, and she was writing to apologize...she was embarrassed for not being in touch more, but didn't know what to do. I told her not to worry...my local support system has stepped up nicely, and there really was not much she could do from so far away.

When the boys got back from their time with WH, DS11 told me that they had gone to his school carnival. Sometime during the carnival, his teacher took WH aside and complimented him on what a fine boy DS11 is, how he hopes his son is like him, what a kind and helpful student he is.

I gushed all over DS11...again reinforcing that nothing could make me more proud than to have someone comment so glowingly about his character; about who he is inside. That Mr. V obviously had respect and admiration for DS11, and that DS11 had earned that through his actions.

I asked if dad told him how proud he was too, and DS11 said that he talked to him quite a bit about how proud he was, and said his eyes teared up a bit. I'm so glad WH had the opportunity to hear that directly from Mr. V, that he had to look Mr. V in the eye while he commended DS11's character and integrity.

I wish that even in his fog-addled mind that he is humbled and affected by his son's example.

Little pieces are falling into place for me...reconnecting with my sister; reminder of what great kids I have; my garden and yard; looking forward to a friend's wedding this weekend. Lots of good things around me, new things to hold on to as I let go of other things??

I went to a graduation ceremony this weekend. Now ordinarily, the speakers are pretty boring. This one, however, was pretty good.

She told the kids that they would be asked what they were planning to be when they were out of school. She told them she wanted them to think more about WHO they would be.

Example:

WHAT he was: Harvard educated man
WHO he was: The Unibomber

WHAT he was: Corporate CEO, responsible for largest energy company in America, college educated, earned billions of dollars per year, swindled billions from his employees and stockholders
WHO he was: CEO of ENRON

WHAT she was: cashier at a store
WHO she was: an ordinary woman who spent 250,000 dollars of her own money to build a school in Africa

WHAT he was: janitor at the high school where this graduation was taking place
WHO he was: now the mayor of the town, college graduate, and owns his own business, after earning his degree and working nights to do it


This is what our kids needed to hear as they moved into college from high school. She gave so many examples. It was amazing - the crowd just listened, and her message hit home. It's WHO you are, not what you do for a living, or what you own, or where you live, or what clothes you have. It's what you do with your life, what you contribute, what you give to the world. DS11 must be special, because teachers don't pass out praise about character much.

Kids also don't learn that in a vacuum, Sis. And WH heard it. God speaks to us in many ways. Another call. We shall pray for WH to listen to those calls.

You hang in there. No matter what, when we think God is not paying attention - that's usually because we are talking and we should be listening.

SB

You asked about my FAITH...

I've had a DIFFICULT LIFE..difficult CHILDHOOD... lots of stuff...

But IN THE MIDST of my pain and turmoil I would continue to receive GOD'S BLESSINGS as you describe here....I learned TO STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN...just like SB is saying....

I would PRAY to HIM..even as A CHILD and HE would be there for ME and HE would WORK IT ALL OUT...one way or another..not always EXACTLY as I WANTED IT TO BE, though...

Let's just say WE'VE established a RELATIONSHIP with me HIM BEING the LEADER and me being the follower,saying: "OK, LORD, have it YOUR WAY"...

Things would be REVEALED to me MIRACULOUSLY...

Like coming here to MBers..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SB... I don't always agree with your posts...but you are one special lady. Between you and BR, I feel as though our boards are lifted up to another level at times. Your story about the nursing home experience....I had one not incredibly different with my dad a few years back before he passed on... and now this graduation recap are both very touching.
From one here who is probably known more for his "edge" than anything else, I wanted to let you know (and you too BR) that I think you are a wonderful lady and in your own way, an angel to help Lilsis through this tough time.

MEDC

LS, there is a newbie on the site who is married to a policeman who has left her and is living with his parents. Her name is Miraclebeliever. I thought you might want to drop in on her thread.

I agree, MEDC. There have been so many angels here who have lifted me...sometimes dragged me...to a better place.

MF: I'll look her up.

Another email from my sister this morning. She totally doesn't "get" where I am. Yes, when she was here on Monday I was reduced to a sobbing mess...so much to do, so little time, triggered by seeing WH, learning to do this all on my own (parenting, house, work, etc.) and she's pushing me to make decisions. I had had enough and just broke down.

Today's email was about how she thinks I need help and I'm not taking it when it is offered. The thing is, I don't ALWAYS need help. My mom called this morning and asked if I wanted her to come, and I said no. I have an appointment this afternoon, I pick up the kids, I have to mow the grass, get dinner...today is manageable. I may even get around to folding some laundry.

Now take some other day, when I have slightly more than I can manage to get done, add in a letter from the attorney, PMS, or an RT sighting or some other random trigger...and you've got the makings of a meltdown. THEN I can really use some help.

Unfortunately, I can't schedule those. I just need to take them as they come, feel what I need to feel, and move on...hopefully learning something in the process.

It's not pretty and it's not easy.

But it is not helpful for anyone to tell me that I am defeated or on a "downward spiral."

Maybe she has unrealistic expectations of me. I have bad days. I am grieving. I have a LOT on my plate. I am go go go from the time I get up until the time I go to sleep. I am still trying to figure out the whole single parent thing, all the while I'm still "walking wounded" from the betrayal.

I feel as if she is saying that I am not allowed to lose it on occassion.

She told me that after her son died, she went on autopilot for about three years. She barely remembers that time. She knows she drank. She remembers driving drunk. She didn't think, didn't feel, she just did what she needed to do.

I asked her how healthy that was. (Personally, given where she is now, I would say that didn't work out so well for her...she is still walking wounded.)

"Well," she said. "I got through it."

I guess I see it as though I don't want to just "get through it." I want to at least grow from this...might as well make something good come out of this.

This kind of thing is very discouraging to me. I'm going to talk to my IC about it.

But what do you all think? I feel like what I hear from all of you is that what I am experiencing is fairly typical. I'm getting through each day, some good, some bad; I'm often overwhelmed (as any single working parent would be), I'm trying to grow and adapt...but it's hard, and sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes exhausting.

And sometimes I just need to cry from the frustration and pain of it ALL...and the safest place to do that is with my mom or my sister...but then they think I'm a basket case.

Interestingly, LK doesn't. She says, "I wonder every day if I'm nuts. So if you are, so am I." Then she laughs, and I feel better.

I think you're doing very well, LilSis. What you describe is pretty much where I am, too. I think it's typical.

Our friends and family hate to see us in such pain. When you have the breakdown, then SHE wants to do something to help you, but there isn't anything she can do. Then they say what seems natural to them--you should GET AWAY from this pain and just Move On.

I understand it, and I appreciate their concern for me. When people ask me how things are going, I have taken to responding "All things considered, I'm great." Things suck, of course, but not everyone needs to hear that. One of my friends put it well "I really admire you for what you are doing; I just hate to see you in such pain."


You need to be able to do this. It's important. Can you explain it to them? "Look, I know you hate to see me like this, but this is what I'm doing. I don't need you to try to solve my problems, I just need a shoulder to cry on and some unconditional love. I would really like to be able to get it from you."

Lilsis...
crazy people don't wonder if they are nuts...they think everyone else is!

you are just fine!

LilSis ~ the way people acted when my sister died, and when my husband left me was very similar. The reaction that people had to the news was very interesting.

There were those who totally GOT IT. They understood my need to cry, to talk things through, to experience the grief.

There were those who really became very instantly uncomfortable. There were those who just never experienced such a loss and were afraid of it, and afraid to hurt me, and therefore, tiptoed around me like I was fragile beyond belief. (It drove me crazy!).

There were those who wanted me to "get over it". Most of those found my grief uncomfortable for many reasons. Many were afraid of the pain themselves and so were not comfortable seeing me in pain. There were those who had been there, done that, and not processed it well themselves. These I found were the dangerous ones.

These gave me advice, critized me for odd things and demanded that I change to make THEM comfortable.

I had a very close friend who was going through husband problems at the same time. She wanted me to divorce my husband so bad - her own husband had done terrible, abusive things to her and her kids, and she saw my husband as the same. (He wasn't, not even close).

She needed me to get a divorce to feel better about her own choices.

I had to learn that at the end of the day and in the morning when I get up, the person I have to look straight in the eye is ME. My life, my choices, MY consequences. No one else can do it for me, no matter how many of them wish they could.

Your sister loves you and I am sure she is well intentioned. That doesn't make her intentions or motivations healthy. Take her comments with the love and concern with which they are given, but leave the advice that doesn't work for you.

"Dear Big Sister,

I love how much you love me. Thank you for being there. Knowing you are there when I ask you to be is priceless."

If she reaches out to help in the ~not so right~ way ... just thank her socks off anyway. Don't need to correct her unless she is harmful. Her not-quite-on-target efforts are a lovely part of God's blessing.

Bad morning; crying again.

I just had a phone conversation with my sister. I tried to explain to her how I just felt too overwhelmed with everything that happened this weekend and I feel entitled to having a meltdown that night when things stacked up the way they did...

--stress over the holiday, not only what the kids would be doing, but missing it myself and knowing that I will never be a part of it again.

--feeling like crap with the kids realizing that they had been told it was my fault

--my sister telling me that it shouldn't be handled that way; that I should be the bigger person and make whatever arrangments I can to allow the kids to enjoy those kinds of experiences, even if WH doesn't

--dealing with the schedule...this is what my life and my family has been reduced to

--dealing with the arrears crap...again, what my life has been reduced to; fighting about money

--and then seeing WH when I went to pick up flowers.

I really feel like WH has a gun to my head. Forcing me into this corner, forcing me to make decisions that I am not prepared to make, or emotionally in any condition to make.

Can I vent to you all here?

What right did he have to do this to me? What right did he have to do any of this? What right does he have to break his promises, to take away any security that I had, to force me to work more, do more, take on more responsibility than I feel I can handle?

And how can it be that he is not accountable for ANY of that? None? Why is that perfectly okay? perfectly acceptable?

I know I only have control over me. But why is it, then, that others ALSO have control over me? Why do I feel like a puppet on a string with this divorce? Being yanked to and fro, told what to do, expected to do things...MANDATED to do things...all on WH's terms, on HIS timeline, based on what HE wants?

It really, really feels like my control of myself is only secondary to the control that others exert over me. I am forced to REACT. And yes, I control how I react, but it's a lose/lose. The paths from which I have to choose seem equally sucky....and I am limited to those sucky choices.

And those choices were selected for me by someone else...someone who deliberatly and intentionally gave me only sucky choices...AFTER vowing honor me.

And now I've hurt my sister's feelings. She's made this about her...about how SHE feels like she did the best she could and was trying to help and it just made things worse. I told her that's NOT it...its the WHOLE situation that has caused this...but she is looking at this one incident and blaming herself...failing to see the context in which it took place.

And now I have to go to school...field day. I am sooo not up for this...

Aaaah oh boy, do I recognize that vent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I got nasty one day with my Al Anon sponsor (I had not found MB yet). I said to her: WHAT RIGHT, HE MAKES ALL THE CHOICES AND I HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM! HE GETS FREEDOM AND SEX AND PARTIES AND I GET THREE KIDS AND BILLS AND OVERWHELMING STUFF.

She said to me, No, BR, that is not the case.

Your husband chooses to abandon his children and his responsbilities

You have chosen not to do so.

You could choose to do the same thing, there is NOTHING stopping you from walking out the door and leaving everything behind.

She said, life isn't fair, but here is what he will get: A distant, broken relationship with his children. You will be surrounded by your loving wonderful children. You will have the satisfaction of a job well done and a job done RIGHT. Your husband is missing out on the wonderful moments of your children's lives and the close relationship that comes from trust, love and respect. He will wake up one day and suffer the burden of guilt and loss and regret.

She said, BR, you can choose those things too, but you do not.

You are NOT A VICTIM.

I didn't want to hear her, because I was busy feeling angry at God and sorry for myself.

But once again...she was right.

You are not backed into a corner, you are choosing another path...and your rewards can't be counted in dollar signs.

LS:

Sorry about the bad morning.

You are feeling backed in a corner.

Why?

You have a plan. Some aspects of this plan you have to react to.

Many more YOU GET TO BE PROACTIVE with. Remember that.

You can decide TODAY to end your M. ONE Phone call to your A will end this M. Your choice.

You choose to slow it down, to give your H the opportunity to return to the M. Your choice.

All WH needed to do for Memorial Day was ask. He didn't. His Choice. Make you look bad?

OH? Did he take RT with him up there? NO.

Did he even go? Probably not.

HE can blame you all day long. But he decided to walk out of your M. And with that choice of his, suddenly he doesn't get to participate in his own family gatherings. Not like he used to. His bad choice. Did his family think that the boys were not there because of you? Perhaps. But THEY KNOW WHY the boys were not there. His bad choice.

Your choices Bloom everyday.

DS11 being complimented by his Teacher.
Your garden and the organized garage.
The successful conferece you ran.
A Schedule for the summer so that the boys will have varied experiences and you get to spend time with Mom, Sis and others as well.

You can walk across that paint on the floor. Step out of the corner.

Go DANCE.

Cuz' nobody puts our LilSis in the Corner...

LG

You can share w/ those you love why you do what you do, but you can't make them agree that your choices would be what they would choose.

And you don't NEED to.

Agreeing FEELS like acceptence, but is it?

Does your sister need to agree w/ you to accept you?

Nah!

She loves you! And THAT is EVERYTHING!!!

This is that two way street I keep telling you about.

If you can accept that others will choose differently from you...not needing to agree w/ all their choices...then you will find that you don't need others to agree w/ YOUR choices.

~ Marsh

((lilsis))

I know how you feel-and it's completely okay for you to cry and vent. This is part of the grieving process. And it is unfair because we-the betrayed and the kids-don't have a choice when a WS chooses to walk away. We do get stuck taking care of all the details, and dealing with the collateral damage of what our WS has done.

The truth is, he didn't have a right to do any of these things. It is pure selfish entitlement on the WS's part. It is sin. They have to lie to themselves to justify doing what they know is wrong and we get stuck with the fallout. And the more they justify, and lie, the worse they seem to get.

My XH and I were able to talk last week-where it seemed like he was really "there" and could hear some of the things I said to him. His reason for divorcing me was "I'm done" and he can't yet explain what that means. I told him it would help me if one day he could explain that because when he was "done", he ended My marriage. The look on his face was complete surprise-as if he never considered that his choice to end his M also ended mine (seemed obvious to me).

It doesn't help that our country has made it so easy for someone to walk away from their vows and promises. But God doesn't let them go that easily. Please believe that. I can see God working in the smallest but most interesting ways.

I also understand how hard it can be with your sis. At least she seems to be trying to help even if she can't understand your pain. It's impossible to explain the searing pain of betrayal to someone else.

My oldest sis always makes everything about her. When I was in chemo, she would call, ask if I was tired, then go on her rants about work, her loser boyfriend of 10 years (dump the idiot already) etc...all about Her. And if I was too tired to listen, she'd call John and complain about how hard it was on HER that I was too tired to listen to her.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Know that I am sending prayers up for you today, that you will get "love letters" from God for your spirit (that's what my DD25 calls them-unexpected little things during the day that let you know God loves you-whether they are puppy kisses or a timely phone call from a friend or just a gentle breeze that calms your spirit).

Hang in there-it's a bumpy road but you are not alone!

I'm already late for field day, but as i was sobbing in the shower it occured to me. He doesn't have a gun to my head. He already pulled the trigger and walked away. He pulled the trigger a looooong time ago, and he's miles and miles away now.

I'm just not dying nice and easy. I'm still here bleeding...with fewer and fewer people around who are willing to watch me bleed. They want to help. They want to bandage my wounds. But I'm not letting them. I only want H to bandage them...and he won't. He never will. He is miles and miles away. He doesn't even exisit anymore.

Isn't this true? It feels true.

Maybe I should just break Plan B and tell him...whatever. Do what you will. I will no longer try to control you or what you do, no longer try to delay the D. Let's work out the details and be done. You have chosen this, and I need to find some closure.

I would love to find closure with him, to understand why, to be able to put this in some sort of context, to put it in a box and put it on a shelf.

But I'll never get that. I won't ever get that. I can wait around my whole life waiting for it and it will never, ever come. I'll never understand, I'll never be able to put this on a shelf. It is a part of me now, a wound that will never heal fully.

I'm feeling really miserable.

And don't get me wrong about my sister...I know she's doing her best, and I don't feel like I need her to accept my feelings...I just want her to accept that my feelings and perceptions are different than hers. i would like for her to respect the fact that my experience is not the same as hers, she did things her way and I need to do things my way.

Because I do not want to have to put up a boundary with her if she insists on me seeing things her way.

But maybe her way is right. Shut the door, walk away. Get what I can, make a schedule for the boys, accept that this is our reality, that our family, what I loved so much, and all I ever wanted...a whole and complete family...that it was just a dream that only lasted a few years, and then it was over.

Not my choice. My reality.

do NOT break plan B to offer WH anything about YOU
how YOU feel
what is happening with YOU

go for a walk or something ... you are having another "I need to take ACTION and DO something moment."

let it pass

you're OK

Today, LilSis, you have chosen to have things your way instead of God's way.

Do you see how many "I wants" you posted? You are back to being powerful and victimized today.

(((LilSis)))

You don't have to see it her way, and she doesn't need to see it yours.

Just accept and love your sister as she is.

Your husband is not under your control, so breaking Plan B to say anything is pointless.

In fact, breaking plan B for this reason IS an attempt to control.

Live in today Sis. Tomorrow is in God's hands.

she does respect the facts of the differences of circumstances ... she has an opinion which she expressed, which made you react.... allow her to express her opinions ... without making it a big deal ...



OK?

One does not have to agree w/ what you do to accept you!

You can't keep cutting people off from you b/c they don't agree w/ you.

Accept your sister's opinions as HERS. NOT yours. And it will ALL be ok.

There's no need to try to convince her that your choices are "right" for you. No need.

Embrace her love!

~ Marsh