Sis you aren't rambling. I read your posts and you are helping me just by doing your "ramblings"

I agree with your first statement here and I LOVE your "I" statements where you are talking about YOUR GOALS for YOURSELF...regarding health and finances, etc.

But I hope you realize you can't CONTROL your boys...

I'm concerned about the SECOND STATEMENT...

They are likely to get off track AT THEIR OWN DOING..despite all that YOU DO AND PROVIDE FOR THEM...and that's GREAT LEARNING for them...

I'm referring to the things that ARE within my control with regard to the boys at this point in their lives...good food (they're not eating out yet alone), enforced bedtime, wearing helmets, talking about feelings, limiting TV. There's plenty I can do NOW (while they're still fairly young) to instill good habits, promote thoughtful decision-making, etc...

Hopefully (God willing; fingers and toes crossed) these values will serve them well as they become more and more independent.

(and I understand and value this concept very well, as my whole job revolves around young people as decision-makers; I have no problem with allowing failure as a teachable moment)

Sis:

I realized that I may not have explained myself well to ya.

I relate so much to your struggles. Not saying that you are just like me, but I certainly had CONTROL ISSUES...trying to be MISS PERFECT..wanting my BOYS' LIVES to be PERFECT..well, none of this happened...

So despite making sure that they got involved in all the activities....church, music, sports, tutoring..dressed just right..ate just right..THE TOTAL PACKAGE..they both veered off course...and we continue to struggle some with my need to STEP BACK..they rebelled, I think, to me always trying to step in and FIX STUFF...

But you are right, they are both saying out loud NOW..writing me notes to the effect of how thankful they are that I instilled MORAL VALUES that they continue to rely on....

I sit back and watch my H wince as they tell him stories about the "BAD" people that they encounter in the work that they do with him in his company...such as men who do not take care of their families. They don't seem to be pointing their fingers at him DIRECTLY but..if the shoe fits...Thankfully, they are working diligently on their relationships with HIM...

I'm kind of just RAMBLING, too...

Sis I have been going through your thread looking for how you sent your letter. My eyes hurt. How did you do it?

Your letter was beautiful. You really put a lot of thought into it!

Just wanted to share one of the little ways I saw God working yesterday/today....

I have a neighbor, a friend who lives down the street a couple of blocks, I'll call her L. We have kids the same age and we used to carpool them to school back when they were in the same building. She and I have a number of things in common, and we had always been friends but not especially close. We would sit and chat but not "do" things together, mostly because we were always busy.

I haven't talked to L since just before d-day. I avoided her all last summer, and thought she probably was offended by that. Then it got to be so long, I sort of felt stupid calling her.

Yesterday, I was out mowing the grass, and saw a car just like L's drive by, and began thinking of her...thinking I should call her; I can never have too many friends, and she is a kind, compassionate person and probably wouldn't hold anything against me if I hadn't called earlier. Thinking I should reach out....she'll find out sooner or later.

So after I came in the house after mowing, there was a message on my machine from L. (it was not her driving by)

I called her back this afternoon, and she had heard about the A. She ran into church-lady (remember her?) at the neighborhood market and church lady told her that WH and I had separated and that WH had had an A.

Same neighborhood market...same church lady...you see how incestuous this whole neighborhood is? We all know each other and can run into each other at any time; L's kids also played on the same t-ball team as RTs, mine, and church lady's. I ran into that team's coach at DS8's field day last Friday....see why I feel anxious? I live in Triggerville.

Anyway, it was nice to speak to L. She is working nights now (nurse), but we talked about maybe taking a girl's weekend away. She's going to come by in the next day or two and we are going to go over our calendars and make some plans to get together.

As I was talking to her, it occurred to me that this is one of God's little ways of getting me through. He may not answer my prayer for WH or for my M, but he's throwing me little lines every so often.

Sometimes, God's answer to your prayers is,"Wait".

SB

If only I knew what I was waiting for....

I guess it's happiness; contentment.

I want contentment.

Why do I struggle so? Why do I insist on questioning everything? Why am I so not accept the mystery of life and how it unfolds? Why do I want to pick everything apart, examine it, find out how it works and be able to put it back together? Why am I so impatient for contentment to arrive? Why am I power-struggling with God?

It comes back to control, doesn't it.

Do you think God's forcing me to wait in order to teach me patience?

It's a Catch-22. I want contentment, but I don't want to allow life to unfold in the way that God has planned.

If I could just trust God...trust MYSELF...then I could find contentment. I'm afraid to trust anything.

I feel like one of those incredibly annoying women in the movies who is dangling over a net hanging on to the heroic firefighter, and the firefighter is saying, "LET GO!" encouraging her to drop so that he can escape before the fire gets him...you know the scenario.

You watch those scenes and you think, "Would you let go, already, you big wuss. I'll be mad if the hero dies because you were too scared to jump."

So...what am I waiting for??

Good morning, sis

That is so interesting, isn't it? Being pushed to reach out and that same someone reaches out to to you. Meeting you part way.

I've been feeling the urge to reconnect with some old friends of WH and I's. But the wife now works for WH and I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward spot. After much consideration (because I REALLY miss her) I decided I will let her decide if she is in an awkward spot. I will reach and see if she meets me part way. If not, that's okay.

I don't have a lot of friends IRL. My family was my focus and I didn't go out unless they were included. WH did (can you tell?). We used to do family get togethers with this couple and their 3 boys. She used to take care of DDs when they were quite a bit younger. She only has boys and absolutely ADORED our girls. Let them play dress up in her clothes, etc. Had fashion shows..... and our DDs and their boys put on a pretend wedding and got married! EEK! It was always a joke between us to keep their DSs away from our beautiful DDs. The H works with WH, too. Both are managers of different departments. It was just a good mix of families and now I fell disconnected. They both work with WH, I met them through WH. Is there room for me anymore?

I hope so, I'll let her (MS) make that choice.

Anyway, that was a lot about me (sorry). I'm glad you reached out and she welcomed you. Don't let yourself become secluded from people you enjoy. You are a valuable friend..don't take that from anyone.

You do not belong on Pg2.....so I'm givin' you a little bump bump. Have a good day.

It will come, sis. I swear it will come. Each one of us has our own timeline. There is a reason you struggle. The peace you eventually find will be all the sweeter because of it. Peace WILL come.

I know those words don't mean a lot right now and you probably question why I think I know. I know becuase I struggled, I clung and clung and clung. And one day I just knew. Letting go was the only answer. I don't know HOW to do it. It just comes to you. When YOU are ready. Somehow I found a CERTAINTY that WH and Bab's will destroy each other. I BELIEVE this to bottom of my soul. That faith is what I think helped me let go. WH HAS to hit rockbottom, with no WildHhorses cushion.

I wish I could explain why I am so certain. Mainly it is because I KNOW H. It WILL happen.

I wish I had the words, sis, to help get you to the next level. You're getting there....we see it.

I, for one, doubt it is God's plan for us to feel "contentment" ... unless it means contentment with HIS will.

I suspect/feel/surmise/think
God's design for us is to experience conflict/struggle

we really do not "deserve" happiness .... like so many times gets written on these forums

"You don't deserve this."
"You deserve better."

I think this is folly ... this thinking that justice/fairness/balance is our due in life.

We get our struggles if we want to remain breathing.... "deserve" has nuttin' to do with it.

So when thinking about contentment ... if it means acceptance of "what is today" .... and acceptance of today's struggle .... yeah, I'm in.

Some of the worst things I've had to deal with were on my "Please God, never let this happen to me" list.

My son in a mental hospital 9 times is THE biggie. My physical injury and resulting lifestyle changes is right up there too.

I am accepting this contentment within my limitations/fears/frustrations/hurts/gifts/failures/successes/turn-arounds/dead-ends/and confussion.

this IS life = enduring the struggle

Sis you and I have the same issue. Patience. I agree with you that part of this was to teach us patience.

Why do I struggle so? Why do I insist on questioning everything? Why am I so not accept the mystery of life and how it unfolds? Why do I want to pick everything apart, examine it, find out how it works and be able to put it back together? Why am I so impatient for contentment to arrive? Why am I power-struggling with God?


I feel that same way too. My answer was that I was trying to regain control of a situation that had gotten so OUT of control. I was trying to fix things that really I just can't fix.

Maybe it is because we know what we want! And we are angry that we no longer have it?

I agree. It brings us in touch with our humanity, our connectedness with others.

It happens right here on this forum.

Just read the beautiful things that Fox wrote. We are all struggling, but our humanity draws us together and in our struggles, we help each other, support each other, help each other grow through the pain and hurt that we feel.

What a blessing, what a beautiful gift to have learned this about our fellow human beings...that we can connect in this way...perfect strangers, drawn together. This is a gift that can only be reiceved as a result of suffering.

Yes, true. However, to strive for happiness, to wish for it...while attempting to reject or avoid suffering, is also what makes us human.

Sometimes, this drive causes more suffering, but at other times, this drive leads us to medical advances, to express ourselves through art or music, to show compassion by giving of ourselves...

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. But I still struggle with finding contentment in TODAY...bemoaning the fact that this is not coming easily to me....

It will, as Fox says...be sweeter in the end for it. And if I can start by being content with that....it's a step.

Just popping in to say hi and let you read my new sign line...i think that it goes well here!

Something must have been brewing the last few days. Last night I had an inkling, and I woke up this morning with a new feeling...and I want to write it down so that I can really, really capture it...I am afraid that it is fleeting, but that it is where I need to be.

Contentment.

The word kept floating around me.

Yesterday afternoon, the boys and I started talking. I mentioned briefly that we may end up moving some day. DS11 began crying. He doesn't want to move, he loves this house and this yard and it's the only place he's ever known. I explained that I didn't know what was going to happen; a lot of things are up in the air, but that if we moved into the district where the boys attend school, had a smaller house and yard, it would be a lot easier. New life, new place. Start fresh.

DS11 was really upset; I could hear it, feeling like everything is slipping out of his grasp...and we really talked. I pinky promised him that I would do whatever I could to try to keep us in this house.

We were in the attic...I was laying in one of the bean bags, DS11 was on the couch, and DS8 was in the rocking chair. DS8 picked up this Nerf football and we started to play catch, just tossing it around in a circle (the attic is made for this kind of thing; spare and wide open).

And DS11 says, how about when you get the ball you have to say something. I was DELIGHTED. Here's the kid that NEVER says anything; who keeps everything bundled up inside (just like his dad), who I can never get to spill. We tossed that ball around for about an hour, just talking, laughing, being real and honest. They talked about RT, they talked about WH, they talked about the house, they talked about their feelings...and when the ball came around to me, I would respond and acknowledge them.

DS11 said that he wants to do this--have "talk time"--all the time, and came over and gave me a kiss and a hug. DS8 jumped on and joined in the little love fest.

It was just we three....we had each other, we are happy to be together.

We went to Blockbuster and got a few movies. They opted for Tatertots instead of popcorn, and we went up to the attic to watch. I was happy...CONTENT...I wasn't internally feeling the absence of WH. It was enough that the three of us were together and enjoying one another.

So later, as I was laying in bed, just before falling asleep, I felt it. THIS IS ENOUGH. It may not be all that I ever wanted, but it is enough. I have enough "wonderfulness" in my life...people who love and care for me, my job, my home, my sons...that I can (dare I say it???) let go of the other.

I imagined myself floating down a river, not swimming, just laying back in a tube, eyes closed, sun on my face. The river will take me where I need to be, I do not need to steer it or even look...just enjoy the ride and the feeling of being guided along, safe on my tube in this peaceful, gentle river. Guided by a force that is greater than I, something that is really impossible to overcome.

I've experienced this before...at the place where we rent the cottage...there's a river that goes out to Lake Michigan, about three feet deep with a sandy bottom, we would tube it every year, you just float along through the woods, peace and quiet...it's wonderful, and you end up at the beach, with its spectacular, truly awesome scenery. And while floating, you can't make your tube go against the current...it just doesn't work.

(In this little imagery, I don't know what happens if I hit a snag, which happens occassionally. Usually you have to hop off and get re-situated, or someone will reach out and pull you back into the stream.)

But I realized that this is a state of mind. I can wake up every morning an regret the loss of what I no longer have, or I can wake up every morning and anticipate the wonders that are to come. And they surely will come; there's no way that they can't...I have so much going for me.

I really will be okay. Why fight it?

So the question I need to keep asking myself is, "What will bring me contentment?"

For example, when I think about the arrears thing...do I fight it and make an issue of it? or do I just give him credit for half and call it good? (if he wants to pursue it further, then he'll just end up paying his attorney more than what he'd be out)

When my mind starts to go back to all the ugliness, to the unfairness of it, to the resentful place....I need to remember that does not bring me contentment. It is what it is...it is past...it is history that cannot be rewritten. Quit fighting it...contentment is not found in that direction.

Contentment is in the NOW. Contentment is is trusting myself and God. Contentment is finding joy in the mundane. Contentment is understanding that what will be will be. Contentment is accepting what life IS, not what it is NOT. Contentment is relaxed shoulders, eyes closed, floating along with the sun on my face.

I may have it, guys.....my eureka moment??

(I'm half tempted to start a new thread, "LilSis' Contentment thread," but that may jinx it; I don't want to get ahead of myself....I know that I have these ups and downs...)

"Eureka!"

indeed

the "folly" is thinking/saying

"I DESERVE such & such"

the folly is NOT the struggle for a better life

the folly is entitlement as a method of finding happiness

Yes!!

Notice my SIG LINE...

I LIVE with THIS...NOW....

ETA: But I have to wear the DIVA SHADES to keep the sun out of my eyes...when I'm flossin' and pumpin' up the volume... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

In all seriousness, I SOOO have come to agree with this point that you are making, Pep.

I truly believe now that TRUE HAPPINESS comes from going through the fire and coming out on the other side. I've come to appreciate my BLESSINGS even more.

I remember Steve saying EMBRACE CONFLICT and this is part of that.

The more I experience STRUGGLES with my H and children and talk through them, FACE them..we are even closer...RAW, NAKED, HEARTBEAT TO HEARTBEAT....

The more EMOTIONAL PAIN that I EXPERIENCE, the HAPPIER I am..because I feel MORE REAL, MORE HUMAN, MORE WOMAN, MORE POWERFUL...

I've said this before somewhere.

I don't want to be that naive woman that I used to be.

I used to want EVERYBODY to like me, even love me...now just RESPECT me first..then, there's a greater likelihood that the LOVE will come...

Being OPEN and WILLING to FACE INTO THE PAIN is a SOURCE OF MY CONTENTMENT...NO MORE FEAR!!!!

Mimi the one who ran from conflict

LOL

I love this!